Isolating alone while DP spends NYE with female friend. Feeling uncharacteristically jealous

[toksvig]

Really down in the dumps on day 4 of omicron fun. Lucky to be able to recover alone with no responsibilities (DS is at his Dad’s) but it’s gonna be a lonely old day.

DP and I don’t live together, been together a few years. We spent most of Xmas together-but-not-alone-together and had plans for a NY in a deux, nice meal, etc.

Anyhow, along comes covid and those plans go out the window. Disappointing but fine.

Last night he told me that his good friend is going over to his tonight (he’s testing repeat LFTneg). I know her, like her, trust him, don’t expect him to not do anything just because I’m ill. She’ll stay over as he lives quite remote.

I’m feeling insanely jealous and not sure what to do with these alien feelings. I know it’s the grown up thing to do to discuss them with him, without accusations, expectations, etc. Didn’t sleep till 4am last night wrangling with this.

Alongside this is the feeling that he wasn’t particularly disappointed to be missing out on our evening, or recognise that this might be a vaguely threatening situation for me. I guess there’s some insecurity running deeper still.

How to approach this?

Points to note.

1.Thing is you've already been around him Christmas time so him coming over to yours 6 days later won't make much a difference really plus it's only a mild illness for most.

The woman with husband and kids why wouldn't she spend it with her family, not saying she can't but given the choice why would she pick your partner over her kids and husband?

3, there's a reason why your feeling jealous if you trusted that everything was ok you wouldn't doubt yourself for a second.
This isn't insecurity this is inate gut feeling.

Why can't you call him doesn't have to be zoom, stay on phone together for hours tonight ?

Sorry op hes definitely shagging, shagging SHAGGING her and he knows he can get away with it

I know you'd rather believe differently but take everything into account.

If your friend said this to you what would your advice be to her!

WonderfulYou Fri 31-Dec-21 16:23:00

So once you’re married and have kids you’re not allowed to spend New Years with your friends anymore?

If a female came on here saying she wants to spend NYE with her friend because she can’t be around her partner as he’s got covid but he’s jealous and doesn’t want her to - everyone would be calling him controlling

Does your husband regularly have drinks and sleepovers at other women's houses - just the two of them - no other people present?

If so, you have my sympathies.

Everyone can see that this isn't a group of friends getting together for NYE. This is one man, and one woman who has blown off her own husband to be with the Op's partner. It's not remotely normal.

@RantyAunty, as he lives about a hundred yards down the road, he’s unlikely to require a bed for the night, but he’s been here for a drink more than once. DH likes him too

If he didn't live just down the road, would you invite him for drinks and a sleepover at yours, if your DH was away on business? If you did, would your DH be happy?

@TomAllenWife

I agree. Trust, but it is best not to put yourselves in that situation. It's inviting trouble.

@Tisaxon my point remains - you have 40+ years to ensure your marriage survives, so you have zero evidence that your rules work better than someone else's.

Also surely you can recognise, that if you met your DH at 19, unlike many other women, you have had no time alone to discover who you are, and what you're about. Have you owned property or assets of your own? Have you ever lived alone as a completely single woman? Frankly, your life is my nightmare - never having lived a full life alone without a man. I can assure you, there are people who get into relationships in their mid 30s, who have a very different take on relationships and marriage than someone who has never lived a life or owned assets without a man has. So maybe, pipe down on what other women should do.

@TomAllenWife

I wouldn't have that sorry, massively unpopular view on MN

Me & DP don't live together but we also don't put ourselves in situations where we are alone at home with the opposite sex, or a weekend away, holiday etc
We trust each other implicitly go on separate holidays etc but it's just respectful not to get in those situations

Whatever rocks your boat. But if my partner said to me I could never go away with someone of the opposite sex or have them over if he wasn’t there too, I’d tell him to jog on.

The weirdest part of this is the wife leaving her DH & DC at home on NYE to stay with someone else.

And only on MN can feeling uncomfortable about your DP spending the night with another woman be seen as controlling.

@Justcannotbearsed Would he actually care if you told him to jog on - seriously? You can want certain things from a relationship, and your partner can dump you because it's not what they want. Why do people on MN think that breaking up with your partner if they have different needs is a bad thing? You're doing them a favour - and they can meet someone else who shares their views (given it's a common one, they'll likely be fine).

I shared a house with my male best friend for years. We love each other deeply and have never had the slightest romantic feeling for each other.

We were alone together a lot of the time but we used to sit and chat, play board games, listen to music and drink tea.

My boyfriend at the time lived a long way away and we only saw each other at weekends. I don't think it ever occurred to any of us that this was not a perfectly fine arrangement.

I totally get that the op was sad to be stuck at home alone on NYE but I don't think her dp's plans were weird except that his friend's partner and son were not there.

@TomAllenWife

I wouldn't have that sorry, massively unpopular view on MN

Me & DP don't live together but we also don't put ourselves in situations where we are alone at home with the opposite sex, or a weekend away, holiday etc
We trust each other implicitly go on separate holidays etc but it's just respectful not to get in those situations

Wow, you obviously don't trust each other if you can't be alone with the opposite sex. How sad

@TomAllenWife. Jog on isn’t the right phrase, you are right, I meant he could have another think, more jog on past that thought or expectation.

But if a brand new paertber said the expectation was I’d never see my male friends on my own again…I would tell them to jog on in the accepted use of the phrase.

Would I be a bit hurt if my partner said, sorry you aren’t well love, I’m off out to have a great time. Yes I would, id feel a bit miffed and hurt. But I wouldn’t think he was off out about to shag someone else.

Also I don’t think nye is particularly coupley, but I’m Scottish.

I think you're missing my point.

I don't have any straight male friends, and DP doesn't have any female friends
NYE is special and if I couldn't spend it with him I'd be really miffed he was having a woman over to stay the night

DP goes away on trips with they boys, stag dos etc, as do I
But it's respectful and I trust him

[quote todaysdilemma]@Tisaxon my point remains - you have 40+ years to ensure your marriage survives, so you have zero evidence that your rules work better than someone else's.

Also surely you can recognise, that if you met your DH at 19, unlike many other women, you have had no time alone to discover who you are, and what you're about. Have you owned property or assets of your own? Have you ever lived alone as a completely single woman? Frankly, your life is my nightmare - never having lived a full life alone without a man. I can assure you, there are people who get into relationships in their mid 30s, who have a very different take on relationships and marriage than someone who has never lived a life or owned assets without a man has. So maybe, pipe down on what other women should do.[/quote]
Dear, dear. Lots of strange assumptions here. I can’t be bothered to contradict them in any detail, because they say far more about you than they do me, but let me say that yes, I have owned property alone, spent extensive periods living in different countries to DH for study and work purposes, etc, and that my idea of a ‘nightmare’ would be the kind of marriage which is fundamentally limiting in the way you seem to imagine, or the kind of mindset that thinks that is inevitable or even wise.

Maybe rethink your deeply limited and embarrassingly parochial ideas about marriage?

I trust my boyfriend so it wouldn't bother me. Also, him having a good time when he can't help me or be with me, doesn't take anything away from me. I'd feel more guilty if he had to be on his own because I had been struck with covid.

The main weirdness is that why isn't she spending it with her own family? Or why didn't he go to theirs ?

@toksvig hopefully he kept in contact with you a lot and made you feel as though you shared NY together?

If not, time to rethink?

As pp have said, it's the way he sorted out his own entertainment and left you to sort yours. Has he been selfish at other times? Hope you are feeling better and more hopeful for the future

@TomAllenWife

I think you're missing my point.

I don't have any straight male friends, and DP doesn't have any female friends
NYE is special and if I couldn't spend it with him I'd be really miffed he was having a woman over to stay the night

DP goes away on trips with they boys, stag dos etc, as do I
But it's respectful and I trust him

It's so incredibly weird to only have friends of your own sex and to segregate your social lives by sex. I can't wrap my head around why you'd want this.

I don't choose it, that's just the way it is 🤷🏼‍♀️
None of my girlfriends have close male friends either, and we're quite a diverse group

All the male friends I've had over the years have either wanted to shag me or vice versa

My best friend is male but gay

@Gannett my friends are all females. Not deliberately, just don't get that close and open with men. I'm friendly with them and have good chats and they were part of my uni group of friends but the only 2 men I have been as close to as my female friends are gay.

@Tisaxon I have to ask. Do you have an open marriage?

That would probably make a difference if that was the case.

How many male sleepovers have you had when your DH was not there and visa versa?

@Gettingthereslowly2020

I think the key question is what would you do if it was the other way round?

I know that if it was me, I'd rather spend it alone and be on the phone/zoom with my partner and just text my friend to say happy new year. There's no way I'd be spending it with another man while my partner is stuck in isolating.

This.

I wouldn't be impressed that he is so unconcerned.

If he was very concerned I would be pushing him out the door!

But his lack of thought would make me rethink.

He sounds quite selfish to me. I bet this probably comes through in other ways doesn’t it op. He sounds like my ex.

How did it pan out OP?