Isolating alone while DP spends NYE with female friend. Feeling uncharacteristically jealous

[toksvig]

Really down in the dumps on day 4 of omicron fun. Lucky to be able to recover alone with no responsibilities (DS is at his Dad’s) but it’s gonna be a lonely old day.

DP and I don’t live together, been together a few years. We spent most of Xmas together-but-not-alone-together and had plans for a NY in a deux, nice meal, etc.

Anyhow, along comes covid and those plans go out the window. Disappointing but fine.

Last night he told me that his good friend is going over to his tonight (he’s testing repeat LFTneg). I know her, like her, trust him, don’t expect him to not do anything just because I’m ill. She’ll stay over as he lives quite remote.

I’m feeling insanely jealous and not sure what to do with these alien feelings. I know it’s the grown up thing to do to discuss them with him, without accusations, expectations, etc. Didn’t sleep till 4am last night wrangling with this.

Alongside this is the feeling that he wasn’t particularly disappointed to be missing out on our evening, or recognise that this might be a vaguely threatening situation for me. I guess there’s some insecurity running deeper still.

How to approach this?

Why not do a zoom party with them? And see in the new year together/ under your watchful eye.

I would not be okay with this. Could he invite a couple of other friends over too so it isn't just the 2 of them?

@TomAllenWife

I wouldn't have that sorry, massively unpopular view on MN

Me & DP don't live together but we also don't put ourselves in situations where we are alone at home with the opposite sex, or a weekend away, holiday etc
We trust each other implicitly go on separate holidays etc but it's just respectful not to get in those situations

I 100% agree with this!! It’s probably not the MN view overall but NO WAY would myself or my DP be okay with this- it’s not that we don’t trust each other- but human nature says that (even if no one on MN is willing to admit it)- the thought of my DP spending the night with another female alone in his house would make me jealous- he’d feel the same if roles were reversed. It’s just sheer respect for one another. I wouldn’t want to give him any reason for a second to feel jealous and vice versa. I think it’s a shitty thing to do.

@Sarasarah

Nope I wouldn't like it either. Neither would my DP. That situation would never come up for us because quite simply we both know that it isn't something either if us would be comfortable with. Hence why we suit each other.

Sorry not sorry for not being a 'cool' wife on this one!

Amen!!

But you clearly don’t trust him, or yourself, @NotaCoolMum — it must be terrible to live with that level of lack of self-trust, quite apart from anything else. I genuinely struggle to imagine being so unsure of my own ability to refrain from having sex with any of my male friends that I would have to restrict my life in that way.

@TomAllenWife

I wouldn't have that sorry, massively unpopular view on MN

Me & DP don't live together but we also don't put ourselves in situations where we are alone at home with the opposite sex, or a weekend away, holiday etc
We trust each other implicitly go on separate holidays etc but it's just respectful not to get in those situations

Wtf? This is insane. You clearly don't "trust each other implicitly".

I categorically won't be contacting the friend or making up a BS story about having my own private party.

His family are overseas and he doesn't have a particularly wide circle of friends. Socialising in a 2 or a 3 is normal for DP.

Will be mildly interested to see how the NYE plan goes down with friend's DH, but tbh I'm more focused on DP's follow up with me, while trying not to fixate on it too much when I'm ill.

@toksvig

I categorically won't be contacting the friend or making up a BS story about having my own private party.

His family are overseas and he doesn't have a particularly wide circle of friends. Socialising in a 2 or a 3 is normal for DP.

Will be mildly interested to see how the NYE plan goes down with friend's DH, but tbh I'm more focused on DP's follow up with me, while trying not to fixate on it too much when I'm ill.

You’re quite right, OP. Have a lovely, peaceful NYE.

He'd be an ex if this was my partner. It's all just so cosy and coupley , snugly spending New Years alone in that remote location.....sleeping over of course. No way I'd put up with that.

Is this friend pretty, kind of his type and single?

Huh? Why is her DH not going along? Or her kids? This is beyond weird to me and i have enough male friends myself. I don't expect any married people to ditch their spouses and kids on one of the few days off we get in a year!

Also you've said her DH doesn't know about the plan yet??

And his response seems very weird - going cold and being insulted. When people get defensive, I always feel something is off. You made it clear you were having FOMO, have been isolated, didn't accuse him of getting upto no good with her - so why the weird cold, defensive response!

Sorry - none of this makes sense to me, and it does seem like he's feeling guilty about something. If he had been warm, welcoming, made more effort to include you in a zoom call or message checking in on your during the day, it would be fine. But her leaving her husband and kids to cosy up with your partner for a night of booze and overnight while he gets cold and makes no plans to include you even in a zoom - not ok.

but I have a nagging feeling he’s a bit insulted

Maybe he is, or maybe he's sulking with you for asserting perfectly reasonable objections to this boundry-pushing behaviour.

@EarthSight

but I have a nagging feeling he’s a bit insulted

Maybe he is, or maybe he's sulking with you for asserting perfectly reasonable objections to this boundry-pushing behaviour.

I’d feel more than a bit ‘insulted’ if a partner were telling me what I could or couldn’t do in NYE or which friend I was allowed to see when circumstances meant our plans together had to be cancelled. Do people really live like this?

I would feel insulted if my DP thought I was going to cheat on him just because of spending an evening in another man's company tbh.

I'm so glad I'm not in relationships with most of the posters on this thread or in their worlds. Any hint of opposite-sex contact that isn't outside strict norms and their minds just go to SHAGGING SHAGGING SHAGGING. It's weird.

OP has even said her feelings are around FOMO, not jealousy, which is totally reasonable to feel! And yet everyone seems intent on telling her about the SHAGGING that must be happening.

WTF do you all think gay or bisexual people do for socialising.

@tisaxon I never told him what he could or couldn't do! In fact I expressly said I was happy he had plans but I was feeling weirdly jealous.

I am absolutely not possessive or jealous but I would feel challenged by that too.
Ask him to video call at midnight so you can 'be' together then maybe?

I don't think this has been answered but where is her husband and children and how does her husband feel about it?

Have neither of you mentioned a zoom call at midnight - if you want that? That seems a no-brainer and would make you present for the official moment. If you feel awkward asking for that or his reaction is off about it, that wouldn't seem right to me.

Gay and bisexual people are allowed to have different rules for their relationships. The same way, different cultures have different traditions. I don't go around asking Middle Eastern men how they think non-Muslims cope with only having one wife. Or South Asians, how they think people cope without arranged marriage. I find this comparison bonkers! We don't have to create heterosexual relationship rules based on the fact that gay/bisexual couples wouldn't be able to have the exact same - every couple, irrespective of sexuality gets to decide what they are/aren't ok with. And if anyone can make it to old age without becoming one of those dreaded couples staring blankly at each other over dinner with no conversation or connection - then whatever has gotten them there is to be applauded.

There are also plenty of gay couples anyway who have similar rules about their partners not developing emotionally intimate friendships with members of either sex. This is hardly a rule heterosexual people have come up with themselves.

@Tisaxon Yes, and that's a fair point that should be considered.

I was offering another possibility because many, many women are gaslit into accepting their partner's friendships with women who happen either to be pretty, their partner's type, single or younger. Very rarely will the friendship be with someone who doesn't fit those categories.

Often those women find out the hard way that they pressurised themselves into accepting things they shouldn't because no one wants to be labelled as unfair, controlling or not trusting, do they? Some men will use that to push boundaries, unfortunately.

Also, whilst I appreciate that friendships can be possible between men and women, women often do make the assumption that men think about female friends in exactly the same way as those women see their male friends. In my own experience, women are more likely, willing or capable of keeping things platonic than the other way around. If my experience shows me otherwise, then I will revise that observation.

@gannett

I would feel insulted if my DP thought I was going to cheat on him just because of spending an evening in another man's company tbh.

I'm so glad I'm not in relationships with most of the posters on this thread or in their worlds. Any hint of opposite-sex contact that isn't outside strict norms and their minds just go to SHAGGING SHAGGING SHAGGING. It's weird.

OP has even said her feelings are around FOMO, not jealousy, which is totally reasonable to feel! And yet everyone seems intent on telling her about the SHAGGING that must be happening.

WTF do you all think gay or bisexual people do for socialising.

@gannett

Yes, but this isn't about spending the evening in another man's company though, is it? For God's sake! That's such an oversimplification.

She's going over there -

• Alone (as opposed to going with another friend or her husband)
• To his house (as opposed to somewhere less private)
• Staying over (as opposed to going there for a couple of hours)
• On an occasion that people like to mark (as opposed to a random day of the year)
• An occasion when people often like to drink and let their guard down (which I would say she will be as she's not driving back the same evening because she's probably planning to drink)

It doesn't look great on his part, does it?

I can bet you if you asked a lot of men what they thought of this they would either raise an eye brow or say 'GET IN MATE!!'

The point is nothing to do with sexual jealousy.

It's envy.

He is selfishly planning a nice little NYE for himself with no regard to you. Has he offered to drop off nice food? Has he made a playlist for you? Has he offered to watch a movie with you (remotely).

No. He's got his company, his food, his sleepover, his celebration, and doesn't seem to have given you a second thought.

That is why it's upsetting. That he is replacing you on the coupley NYE you planned with another woman, as if you as an individual mean nothing.

It's a big mistake.

It's a tricky one OP. You have my sympathy.

My situation is similar to yours in that DP and I (of 4 years) don't live together and I am currently sick (not sure if covid or chest infection or both) and awaiting a pcr result.

Our plan for tonight was just sitting in watching telly anyway but this morning I told him I wouldn't be offended if he wanted to join in any other plans with friends given that I am such wretched company. His response?

"Don't be daft, It's NYE! Of course I don't want to spend it with anyone else (Although if you cough all night the way you did last night you'll be going out the window)." 🤣

I think I'd have been unsettled if he'd taken me up on the offer and made plans with a female friend, just the two of them (He has lots of female friends including one I've never met who comes in from another city a few times a year to see family and he always meets her for lunch or dinner. I have zero problem with this and have never asked/expected to be invited along).

It's specifically that it's NYE and, whether it's justifiable or not, in your shoes I'd be feeling a bit let down and uneasy as well

“Never alone at home with the opposite sex” … that’s batshit🤣

So in lockdown when we were both wfh I shouldn’t have let my married male neighbour in for a cuppa in case we couldn’t keep our hands off each other 🤣. His wife and my DH were fine about it 🤷🏼‍♀️.

OP tell your DP how you’re feeling.

@gannett

I would feel insulted if my DP thought I was going to cheat on him just because of spending an evening in another man's company tbh.

I'm so glad I'm not in relationships with most of the posters on this thread or in their worlds. Any hint of opposite-sex contact that isn't outside strict norms and their minds just go to SHAGGING SHAGGING SHAGGING. It's weird.

OP has even said her feelings are around FOMO, not jealousy, which is totally reasonable to feel! And yet everyone seems intent on telling her about the SHAGGING that must be happening.

WTF do you all think gay or bisexual people do for socialising.

They are welcome to have relationships according to what they fit and are allowed to set their own boundaries as they see fit.

However, heterosexual couple as also allowed to formulate relationship boundaries that they see as appropriate for them, and that do not necessarily rely on homosexual relationships for guidance.

I'm really tried of people like you using homosexual relationships as a way of arguing women out of having entirely reasonable boundaries. I have seen you do this on another thread too.

It's damaging. Please stop.