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Original poster

Isolating alone while DP spends NYE with female friend. Feeling uncharacteristically jealous

122 replies

toksvig · 31/12/2021 09:37

Really down in the dumps on day 4 of omicron fun. Lucky to be able to recover alone with no responsibilities (DS is at his Dad’s) but it’s gonna be a lonely old day.

DP and I don’t live together, been together a few years. We spent most of Xmas together-but-not-alone-together and had plans for a NY in a deux, nice meal, etc.

Anyhow, along comes covid and those plans go out the window. Disappointing but fine.

Last night he told me that his good friend is going over to his tonight (he’s testing repeat LFTneg). I know her, like her, trust him, don’t expect him to not do anything just because I’m ill. She’ll stay over as he lives quite remote.

I’m feeling insanely jealous and not sure what to do with these alien feelings. I know it’s the grown up thing to do to discuss them with him, without accusations, expectations, etc. Didn’t sleep till 4am last night wrangling with this.

Alongside this is the feeling that he wasn’t particularly disappointed to be missing out on our evening, or recognise that this might be a vaguely threatening situation for me. I guess there’s some insecurity running deeper still.

How to approach this?

OP posts:
CouldThisReallyBe · 31/12/2021 10:50

I'd be this friend, I have a couple of close male friends who would spend the evening with me if their OH couldn't be around. I'm in the camp of 'if they've both been single at the same time in the past and it hasn't happened then tonight is no threat'. Men and women can just be friends.
That said - as the female friend I'd also being saying to him "toksvig must be feeling crap and lonely - let's do a Zoom NYE with her".

bluebell34567 · 31/12/2021 10:51

@StopStartStop

I wouldn't be comfortable with that. NYE, a few drinks, overnight already planned... nah, mate. He'd be the ex by now.
agree.
Jacketpotato84 · 31/12/2021 10:52

Hi I know you have plans with (insert name) tonight I just find it odd that us being in a long term committed relationship and me feeling uncomfortable youve chose to spend it with a female friend. No problem tho my male friend from work/wherever) who also has omicron will be bringing some drinks over tonight it will just be me and him, he will be stopping over as he lives quite far. It's a shame we can't spend it with each other but at least this way we won't be lonely. Have a good night! I will make sure I do. X
You'll know what to do from his response to that message

Opentooffers · 31/12/2021 10:53

Hard to tell, could be cabin fever, but equally, could be accurate Spidey senses.
Does his friendship predate your relationship? And have they ever been platonic friends whilst both single so could of gone there? That could tell you if there is some attraction from either side or not, that fuels the friendship.

BerthaBlythe · 31/12/2021 10:54

Jealousy aside, because it’s possibly a bit of a red herring, I’d be disappointed that he simply replaced me with someone else in his plans, without putting any thought into how I might be feeling on NYE.

It’s the fact that he’s only thinking about himself, and sorting out his own evening that would be the concern for me.

It feels controlling and needy to demand that a partner spend the evening with you (even if it’s just by zoom) but I think it’s selling yourself short not to want a partner who would want to spend NYE with you in whatever way possible.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/12/2021 10:56

I spent Christmas Day with my closest friend who happens to be male. He has a wife but she was staying with her family who live on the other side of the country and he couldn’t get the time off work to go there. I stayed over in their house so that I could drink. Nothing untoward happened. We’re just friends, we have no interest in each other as anything more. I know given the choice of course he would have preferred to spend the day with his wife but that wasn’t possible. The alternative was both of us spending the full day alone.

You boyfriend would clearly prefer to spend the night with you considering this was the original plan, but you have covid so he can’t. If he cancels his plans with his friend he still can’t spend it with you because you are isolating. He’s not choosing her over you, he’s choosing her over being alone and that’s very different.

CouldThisReallyBe · 31/12/2021 10:57

He’s not choosing her over you, he’s choosing her over being alone and that’s very different.

I agree with this.

tarasmalatarocks · 31/12/2021 10:59

I wouldnt be ok with this either— maybe it’s an age thing, I would simply feel that he didn’t care enough to consider my feelings.

CantBeAssed · 31/12/2021 11:07

I would be really uncomfortable with this for so many reasons. I have had many good friends over the years with the opposite sex and everyone of those friendships ended with "good friend" making a move. It's only my experience and I'm sure there is such a thing as a "platonic friendship" but I have lost many a friend because of alternative motives on their behalf, it's left me very dubiousHmm

Original poster
toksvig · 31/12/2021 11:22

The jealousy feels way more FOMO than suspicions about what might happen between DP and his friend. They’ve been mates over 20 years, she’s married with kids, has spent time with us together, and tbh if they went there then that would be a stupid move on both their parts. So that’s not my focus.

Those of you like @BerthaBlythe who’ve identified the crux as a lack of regard for how I might be feeling – that feels spot on.

There’s not really any way around it, he literally can’t be with me tonight, nor would I want to expose either of them to covid, even outside.

We just had a brief chat about it on the phone in the light tone that @redtshirt50 suggested. He was surprised I felt that way and said he doesn’t want to hide things like this from me (I sharply said that wouldn’t be the way to deal with it). He acknowledged that NYE is a bigger deal to me than to him, that he was disappointed we can’t be together (albeit prompted), and that we can make it up at our anniversary weekend mid-Jan. Said that after 3 years I should know that he wants to be with me.

Overall, it was good to chat, but I felt like he could have been a bit warmer and more understanding. All’s gone quiet now and I don’t expect to hear much more from him today. Would love for him to suggest a zoom or similar tonight, but I have a nagging feeling he’s a bit insulted.

OP posts:
SocialConnection · 31/12/2021 11:26

Do you know her well enough to message her nicely and tell her how you're feeling? Appeal to empathy and #bekind (ugh). Ask her to consider it from your point of view, how she'd feel if it were her partner enjoying NYE with another woman? I've been there, enraged with jealousy over that sort of thing and it can eat you up. You'll feel awful on the night both from being ill and from feeling uneasy. So it's best to be open and honest with them both.

Lucked · 31/12/2021 11:30

Presumably she had no other plans and was going to be alone? If they are friends why both be alone and having a crap time when they can hang out?

Azerothi · 31/12/2021 11:37

@Jacketpotato84

Hi I know you have plans with (insert name) tonight I just find it odd that us being in a long term committed relationship and me feeling uncomfortable youve chose to spend it with a female friend. No problem tho my male friend from work/wherever) who also has omicron will be bringing some drinks over tonight it will just be me and him, he will be stopping over as he lives quite far. It's a shame we can't spend it with each other but at least this way we won't be lonely. Have a good night! I will make sure I do. X You'll know what to do from his response to that message
I can be horribly petty, but I love this response.
OnTheSafeSide · 31/12/2021 11:40

Wjy isn't she spending it with her husband and kids if married? He could go and spend it with them, which I am sure would massively reduce any insecurities you have. BUT if he doesn't think NYE is such a big deal, as you said, why the need to do anything special if not with you, rather than just a wee glass of champagne at mignight Zoom call with you?

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 31/12/2021 11:43

I think the key question is what would you do if it was the other way round?

I know that if it was me, I'd rather spend it alone and be on the phone/zoom with my partner and just text my friend to say happy new year. There's no way I'd be spending it with another man while my partner is stuck in isolating.

Essexmate · 31/12/2021 11:54

OP you’ve had a chat about it and he’s mostly reassured you. Don’t dig any deeper. MN tend to really take you down a dark hole with things like that and with you isolating alone I can see you getting dragged right in. I would ignore this thread now. Hopefully you’ve got a shit ton of junk in that you can scoff and just enjoy yourself with some movies

Tisaxon · 31/12/2021 11:57

@TomAllenWife

I wouldn't have that sorry, massively unpopular view on MN

Me & DP don't live together but we also don't put ourselves in situations where we are alone at home with the opposite sex, or a weekend away, holiday etc
We trust each other implicitly go on separate holidays etc but it's just respectful not to get in those situations

What on earth is it that you imagine would happen if you or your partner were left home alone with a member of the opposite sex? What is ‘respectful’ about implicitly saying ‘I can’t trust either myself or you not to rip the clothes off any man or woman, given the opportunity’?
rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2021 12:02

Why isn't his friend spending NYE with her husband and children?

Original poster
toksvig · 31/12/2021 12:02

Wise words @Essexmate

My friend has just dropped off unspeakable amounts of bread and soup so I'm all good.

OP posts:
FurryAntiWaxer · 31/12/2021 12:02

She's leaving her husband and kids to stay overnight with a male friend whose girlfriend has Covid?
This is a whole world outside of my experience and not one I'd cop for a minute?

A night out with the lads is what I'd expect, not a sleepover with a married woman.

Greensmoothie1 · 31/12/2021 12:03

@toksvig They’ve been mates over 20 years, she’s married with kids, has spent time with us together, and tbh if they went there then that would be a stupid move on both their parts. So that’s not my focus.

Why isn’t she spending New Year’s Eve with her dh and dc? Why isn’t your DP spending the night with his family and friends? Very very weird that he’s chosen to spend the night with one female friend. Very intimate.

BlondeDogLady · 31/12/2021 12:12

They’ve been mates over 20 years, she’s married with kids

Where are her DH and kids tonight??

Do you know her well enough to message her nicely and tell her how you're feeling? Appeal to empathy and #bekind (ugh). Ask her to consider it from your point of view, how she'd feel if it were her partner enjoying NYE with another woman?

Don't do that! How embarrasing!

Re the suggested message, I would make it less accusatory :

Hey, Dave from work just posted in our group chat that he's texted positive. I've invited him over for the night, as there's no point in us both being alone. He's bringing lots of gin, yey! At least I have someone to drown my sorrows with, ha ha. Have a good night. xx

Branleuse · 31/12/2021 12:13

I wouldnt be happy with that tbh, feels too much like a date on a significant event. I think you should tell him that its making you feel jealous and sad and left out. Is it just going to be him and her??

CouldThisReallyBe · 31/12/2021 12:14

@Essexmate

OP you’ve had a chat about it and he’s mostly reassured you. Don’t dig any deeper. MN tend to really take you down a dark hole with things like that and with you isolating alone I can see you getting dragged right in. I would ignore this thread now. Hopefully you’ve got a shit ton of junk in that you can scoff and just enjoy yourself with some movies
Completely agree with this!
Tisaxon · 31/12/2021 12:14

@SocialConnection

Do you know her well enough to message her nicely and tell her how you're feeling? Appeal to empathy and #bekind (ugh). Ask her to consider it from your point of view, how she'd feel if it were her partner enjoying NYE with another woman? I've been there, enraged with jealousy over that sort of thing and it can eat you up. You'll feel awful on the night both from being ill and from feeling uneasy. So it's best to be open and honest with them both.
I think that would be a lunatic move. If the OP isn’t comfortable discussing this in detail with her own partner of three years, I think the friend is likely to wonder about the dynamics of the relationship if the OP were to go over her partner’s head and appeal to the friend not to spend the evening with him — surely her obvious response would be to tell the OP’s partner to sort things out, as it’s not any of her business?

And to the people asking why the friend isn’t spending NYE with her husband — that’s exactly the attitude that screws up so many marriages and friendships, the idea that you default to your spouse for everything and all other relationships fade out.

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