Isolating alone while DP spends NYE with female friend. Feeling uncharacteristically jealous

[toksvig]

Really down in the dumps on day 4 of omicron fun. Lucky to be able to recover alone with no responsibilities (DS is at his Dad’s) but it’s gonna be a lonely old day.

DP and I don’t live together, been together a few years. We spent most of Xmas together-but-not-alone-together and had plans for a NY in a deux, nice meal, etc.

Anyhow, along comes covid and those plans go out the window. Disappointing but fine.

Last night he told me that his good friend is going over to his tonight (he’s testing repeat LFTneg). I know her, like her, trust him, don’t expect him to not do anything just because I’m ill. She’ll stay over as he lives quite remote.

I’m feeling insanely jealous and not sure what to do with these alien feelings. I know it’s the grown up thing to do to discuss them with him, without accusations, expectations, etc. Didn’t sleep till 4am last night wrangling with this.

Alongside this is the feeling that he wasn’t particularly disappointed to be missing out on our evening, or recognise that this might be a vaguely threatening situation for me. I guess there’s some insecurity running deeper still.

How to approach this?

@Tisaxon

But you clearly don’t trust him, or yourself, *@NotaCoolMum* — it must be terrible to live with that level of lack of self-trust, quite apart from anything else. I genuinely struggle to imagine being so unsure of my own ability to refrain from having sex with any of my male friends that I would have to restrict my life in that way.

Do you have a long term DP? Would you be fine with him having an intimate sleepover with a married woman (just the 2 of them) on New Year’s Eve? Why isn’t she spending the night with her dh and dc? Why isn’t he spending it with family and friends?

[quote toksvig]@tisaxon I never told him what he could or couldn't do! In fact I expressly said I was happy he had plans but I was feeling weirdly jealous.[/quote]
I’m not getting at you, OP, just the bosom-hoikers saying ‘I wouldn’t have that!’ and implying you were some kind of crackpot because you didn’t immediately ditch your partner for seeing a friend on NYE when you were isolated and had to cancel.

I’m sorry you’re feeling blue about it, and hope you can make up for it with an extra-good anniversary meal soon.

[quote EarthSight]@Tisaxon Yes, and that's a fair point that should be considered.

I was offering another possibility because many, many women are gaslit into accepting their partner's friendships with women who happen either to be pretty, their partner's type, single or younger. Very rarely will the friendship be with someone who doesn't fit those categories.

Often those women find out the hard way that they pressurised themselves into accepting things they shouldn't because no one wants to be labelled as unfair, controlling or not trusting, do they? Some men will use that to push boundaries, unfortunately.

Also, whilst I appreciate that friendships can be possible between men and women, women often do make the assumption that men think about female friends in exactly the same way as those women see their male friends. In my own experience, women are more likely, willing or capable of keeping things platonic than the other way around. If my experience shows me otherwise, then I will revise that observation.[/quote]
But in opposite-sex friendships, a woman is always involved…?

I have close male friends with whom I’ve gone for dinner and for weekends away for decades — I’m happily married, as are two of the friends, while the other has been married, divorced, and is in a new relationship. Obviously, I’m not psychic, but I know these men very well, they’ve been in my life for many years, and I can only judge according to their behaviour. I’ve never intuited any non-platonic feeling. If any of them has at any point been attracted to me, they’ve had the good manners to keep it to themselves.

You’re in a miserable situation, so understandable your mind would wander - it sounds like you are more bothered about the fact he isn’t too bothered, than his friend or the fact he’ll be with her?

I’d only say that people are different - it just sounds like he’s not sentimental about key dates, and in his mind if you can’t have dinner for 2 tonight, you’ll do it in two weeks, and since there’s nothing he can do about your situation, there’s no point worrying about that either?? If so, that just sounds like a personality type to me, and nothing to worry about. But you will always need to spell out some of your needs.

I understand feeling jealous of having to stay in by yourself but I personally wouldn’t have said anything to him - it’s not his fault you’re isolating and it’s now put a damper on his evening. I would be quite annoyed that you had said that - almost implying that I should sit at home alone because you have to.

If it was me I would give him a text apologising saying that you were feeling a bit run down with covid but you’ve had a nap and hot shower and now you’re feeling better and that you hope he enjoys his night.

@Greensmoothie1, I’m married. DH has good longterm female friends he spends time with solo. I’d find a man who didn’t have female friends a bit odd, as it suggests someone who thinks women are another species. One of his friends always attends a certain type of work events with him as his plus one, as I find them unbearably dull, and he often sees another when travelling for work, as she’s a travel writer. I like that these friendships exist — why wouldn’t I? Half the desperately lonely people on Mn are ruling out 50% of the population as potential friends. We moved countries in 2020 and one of the new friends I’ve made is the father of a friend of DS’s whom I met while waiting to pick up the children from an activity.

[quote Tisaxon]@Greensmoothie1, I’m married. DH has good longterm female friends he spends time with solo. I’d find a man who didn’t have female friends a bit odd, as it suggests someone who thinks women are another species. One of his friends always attends a certain type of work events with him as his plus one, as I find them unbearably dull, and he often sees another when travelling for work, as she’s a travel writer. I like that these friendships exist — why wouldn’t I? Half the desperately lonely people on Mn are ruling out 50% of the population as potential friends. We moved countries in 2020 and one of the new friends I’ve made is the father of a friend of DS’s whom I met while waiting to pick up the children from an activity.[/quote]
Ask your DH next time he's away at a work thing, if you can invite the father friend you met over for drinks and a sleepover and see what he says.

@Yummypumpkin

The point is nothing to do with sexual jealousy.

It's envy.

He is selfishly planning a nice little NYE for himself with no regard to you. Has he offered to drop off nice food? Has he made a playlist for you? Has he offered to watch a movie with you (remotely).

No. He's got his company, his food, his sleepover, his celebration, and doesn't seem to have given you a second thought.

That is why it's upsetting. That he is replacing you on the coupley NYE you planned with another woman, as if you as an individual mean nothing.

It's a big mistake.

I think this is very well said. Also hits the nail on the head for what the issue really is.

The issue is not with it being a female friend, it's with the fact that for your DP certain aspects of a relationship can be easily replaced by a friend. Romantic relationships are not just about sex, there's a level of emotional intimacy and connection that needs to be unique to anything else. Because a romantic relationship commits a hell of a lot more than a friendship - it requires more than just sex, sharing of home/finances/kids to differentiate from a friendship.

You've mentioned you've hardly had any quality time together (in fact, none?) over this festive period. Now the next opportunity is the anniversary? Why does he need an anniversary to invest into you in a more meaningful way? Quality time should come along often - not on designated ocassions after all. He also clearly does think NYE is a bit of a big deal if he wants to celebrate it/bring it in with a friend, rather than sit at home alone or with you. So the fact he hasn't thought of a way to include you somehow (zoom call, a little takeaway surprise ordered etc) shows he isn't feeling the level of connection to you, you'd expect. Friends should never get more intimate quality time than a primary partner. And waiting till it's your anniversary to get this is just wrong.

What you're feeling is the lack of connection. And exactly why a lot of people struggle to balance emotionally intimate friendships with relationships - because if you're getting your emotional needs met from one source you don't feel you have to try and get it from another. So your DH has now got his NYE plan sorted, his emotional needs for companionship have been met tonight, so he has no interest in ensuring yours are as well. It probably feels very transactional.

I hope he gets his head together and doesn't ignore/neglect you all day and understands that as his primary partner, even if he can't be with you, he still has a responsibility to show you that your in his thoughts and he cares about how you feel (which you've now told him).

@RantyAunty, as he lives about a hundred yards down the road, he’s unlikely to require a bed for the night, but he’s been here for a drink more than once. DH likes him too.

Obviously, I’m not psychic, but I know these men very well, they’ve been in my life for many years, and I can only judge according to their behaviour.

To this point, I would also say that you don't also know for complete certainty how your own husband really feels about it. You can only go on what he tells you/his behaviour but unless you tell me that you're in your 90s and at the end of your life - there is certainly the possibility he or you, may come a cropper because of this at some point. As we've seen human beings are notorious for keeping mum on things they don't like, just to keep the peace/because they think it's the right thing to do. And enough people who get blindsided by splits, divorce and cheating to know it's a possibility we aren't all always honest with out partners on our real feelings.

So just like you are basing your opinions on what you perceive to be rules that make your marriage work, others are entitled to share rules/opinions on which their marriages work. There isn't enough scientific research to prove either way. Everything is based on anecdote and experience. One is not more morally superior to the other, there are many different types of marriages as well, and not everyone wants or has the type of marriage you may want to have. That's why MN is great at getting different opinions from different people in different stages of relationship bliss.

@todaysdilemma

Obviously, I’m not psychic, but I know these men very well, they’ve been in my life for many years, and I can only judge according to their behaviour.

To this point, I would also say that you don't also know for complete certainty how your own husband really feels about it. You can only go on what he tells you/his behaviour but unless you tell me that you're in your 90s and at the end of your life - there is certainly the possibility he or you, may come a cropper because of this at some point. As we've seen human beings are notorious for keeping mum on things they don't like, just to keep the peace/because they think it's the right thing to do. And enough people who get blindsided by splits, divorce and cheating to know it's a possibility we aren't all always honest with out partners on our real feelings.

So just like you are basing your opinions on what you perceive to be rules that make your marriage work, others are entitled to share rules/opinions on which their marriages work. There isn't enough scientific research to prove either way. Everything is based on anecdote and experience. One is not more morally superior to the other, there are many different types of marriages as well, and not everyone wants or has the type of marriage you may want to have. That's why MN is great at getting different opinions from different people in different stages of relationship bliss.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 19. He’s always had good female friends, some dating back to our student days (we’re both late 40s), I’ve always had good male friends, and we’re both upfront people who’ve supported one another through lots, dealt with the inevitable self-reinventions that take place between 19 and 49, have moved around the world several times for one another’s jobs etc, and whose relationship would simply not have survived 30 years if either of us were nursing unexpressed woes or resentments about one another’s’ friends. I think the secret of what makes our marriage work is leaving fresh air and space for other relationships (and both finding our work enjoyable and engrossing.) obviously, I’m not prescribing for other people’s relationships, but what I am saying is that there is a lot of loneliness expressed by Mn posters.

@Tisaxon

But you clearly don’t trust him, or yourself, *@NotaCoolMum* — it must be terrible to live with that level of lack of self-trust, quite apart from anything else. I genuinely struggle to imagine being so unsure of my own ability to refrain from having sex with any of my male friends that I would have to restrict my life in that way.

How do you come to the conclusion that I don’t trust myself of my DP just because neither of us would want to disrespect the other by having HEALTHY boundaries as to what we feel is acceptable behaviour?

@NotaCoolMum, but your post speaks of ‘jealousy’ and ‘human nature’ meaning you would be ‘jealous’ of your DP/DH spending time alone with a woman at his house and vice versa. Yet you keep saying you trust one another. Assuming this is true, what’s to be jealous of?

And I don’t understand what you mean by ‘respect’ in this context. Fair enough, you say you would feel ‘disrespected’ if your husband spent time with a female friend. I don’t feel that way. DH doesn’t feel that way when I go hillwalking with a male friend for a weekend.

@Yummypumpkin

The point is nothing to do with sexual jealousy.

It's envy.

He is selfishly planning a nice little NYE for himself with no regard to you. Has he offered to drop off nice food? Has he made a playlist for you? Has he offered to watch a movie with you (remotely).

No. He's got his company, his food, his sleepover, his celebration, and doesn't seem to have given you a second thought.

That is why it's upsetting. That he is replacing you on the coupley NYE you planned with another woman, as if you as an individual mean nothing.

It's a big mistake.

This!

@Tisaxon nothing wrong with male/female friendships. My DP has a few. But don’t you think it’s odd that this married woman would rather spend NYE having a cosy sleepover with another man (just the 2 of them) instead of with her dh and dc?

[quote Tisaxon]@NotaCoolMum, but your post speaks of ‘jealousy’ and ‘human nature’ meaning you would be ‘jealous’ of your DP/DH spending time alone with a woman at his house and vice versa. Yet you keep saying you trust one another. Assuming this is true, what’s to be jealous of?

And I don’t understand what you mean by ‘respect’ in this context. Fair enough, you say you would feel ‘disrespected’ if your husband spent time with a female friend. I don’t feel that way. DH doesn’t feel that way when I go hillwalking with a male friend for a weekend.[/quote]
Ok then- I’m not going to argue with a total stranger in the internet who knows absolutely nothing about me. Happy New Year to you, your husband and all your friends! 👍🏼

Is this friend pretty, kind of his type and single?

Even worse than that! She's married with kids and has ditched them in favour of sleeping over at the Op's partners.

How anyone can think this is fine is beyond me!

Erm, you're ill. He should not be hanging out with another woman, friend or not. No fucking way!

Oh and my husband has many female friends, but that is weird.

Why didn’t he stay and isolate with you? I wouldn’t have left my partner alone in those circumstances, particularly not if I was already a contact

Even worse than that! She's married with kids and has ditched them in favour of sleeping over at the Op's partners.

How anyone can think this is fine is beyond me!

So once you’re married and have kids you’re not allowed to spend New Years with your friends anymore?

If a female came on here saying she wants to spend NYE with her friend because she can’t be around her partner as he’s got covid but he’s jealous and doesn’t want her to - everyone would be calling him controlling.

@Gensola- absolutely! I had Covid last year and my DP didn’t leave my side (as he was obviously in close contact anyway!). No way would I leave him and spend the evening with another man celebrating NYE. It’s just inappropriate in my opinion

@CouldThisReallyBe

He’s not choosing her over you, he’s choosing her over being alone and that’s very different.

I agree with this.

I'd rather him be alone

If you trust him, then I suspect you are feeling awful because 1. You are ill and that's no fun, 2. NYE is hyped up as an evening when you should be having fun and 3. the person you want to be with will be having a nice evening elsewhere. Of course he isnt as disappointed as you are because he has plans and he doesn't rate NYE as highly as you do. I'd be feeling sorry for myself too and might well feel my partner wasn't bothered about that too.

I don't agree with all those who wouldn't let their partner be alone with the opposite sex and have made it all about that. They don't know the people involved or their past history the way you do.

It doesn't sound like OP and her boyfriend have a rule that neither are allowed friends of the opposite sex. Sure, everyone can set their own boundaries but OP says her boyfriend has been friends with this woman for a long time, likely long before he met her.

Every relationship is different but personally, if I am home sick or my DH is home sick - we are fine with the other person still seeing friends or doing things. there is no expectation that the non sick partner must stay home and commiserate with the sick person. I find that pretty co-dependent. That if OP can't have fun due to COVID, her partner can't either.

I assume that OP knows this woman and she has stayed at his house before and this is par for the friendship they have.