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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'Why did you let him abuse you?'

117 replies

NaughtyNata · 30/12/2021 16:37

Said to me by a friend about my ex. Mainly emotional abusive/coercive control. Physical a couple of times. Not minimising but it wasn't constant or everyday. Just to give a little more context.

Left him years ago now but things still not easy. Fwiw I was desperate to get away from him for years but was scared and was scared about the kids and wanted to keep them safe.

So comments like 'why did you let him' or 'I would have done xyz' are quite hurtful tbh. I did the best I could at the time and it took all my nerve to get away. I just don't think people know unless they've been there themselves.

Not looking for advice or anything but can anyone relate, to how bloody frustrating comments like that are?

I'm feeling a bit shit about it and haven't got anyone to discuss with IRL.

OP posts:
CerealKiller22 · 30/12/2021 16:48

It's true in most cases that people find it difficult to comprehend why people in those situations didn't/ don't do XYZ. They believe that they would do XYZ and wouldn't 'let' it happen to them. But, they don't seem to get that abuse doesn't usually happen overnight, it's a gradual thing to the point many don't realise that it is happening to them. You only have to read many threads on MN with some seriously disturbing cases with the poster still not realising that what they are experiencing is abuse.

There is still a lot of misunderstanding about domestic abuse/ violence which doesn't help.

I totally understand what you are feeling, OP x

Marble2021 · 30/12/2021 16:49

I also hate it when people make stupid comments like that. She doesn't sound like a good friend tbh

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/12/2021 16:52

That does sound enormously frustrating. Im not sure what to say to that other than its clear the other person has no idea what CC is or how it works. You dont necessarily have to have been there, but you do need to have been exposed to information in order to understand the mechanics.

I dont think your friend meant any malice, but is clueless. It says much more about her than it does about you. Try and brush it off.

You got out, alive, so youre a fucking rock star.

Alayalaya · 30/12/2021 16:53

That’s terrible. He abused you because he’s an abuser. Not because of anything you did or didn’t do. Saying ‘I would have done xyz’ ... you shouldn’t have had to do anything, because you shouldn’t have been abused in the first place. Please just ignore anyone who makes insensitive comments.

elelel · 30/12/2021 16:55

Your friend is just ignorant.

Notmrsfitz · 30/12/2021 16:55

I’ve had this a few times too, from ‘friends’, people who I thought understood and even my (now) partner.
It’s hurtful because it takes you back to feeling scared and out of control, when my partner said it he could see it had upset me but as he explained, the me , he sees who is a chatty bubbly happy (anxious) person is not the person I was - he said ‘I cannot understand why someone as beautiful and intelligent as you, would put up with that’ and I had to explain that being ill treated gradually for 20 years kind of crushes your spirit a little.
And then friends who say, why didn’t you just leave him? They knew me at that time and not one of them said ‘I’ll help you’ or anything even though one friend confided she’d heard him hit me and shout abuse at me several times.

I think these people are very ignorant of how domestic abuse actually works and either need educating or unfriending!!

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 30/12/2021 16:55

Your friend should never have said that to you.

It is , however brutal , an important question to ask yourself when you feel strong enough.

Original poster
NaughtyNata · 30/12/2021 16:56

Thank you 💐

I agree that there's no malice in it- it just pisses me off and in a way I'm pissed off with myself for not putting my foot down really and telling her bluntly that she doesn't know what she's on about!

It doesn't work like she seems to think. Either someone doesn't know what is going on- I don't think this was me so much because I knew but I was bloody scared and didn't know what to do for the best.

Thanks for the kind comments.

OP posts:
Shebangshebong · 30/12/2021 16:58

I have to be honest...I have a lot of knowledge about DV and the boiling frog scenario, I've read the books and seen friends go through it. But this question still lingers when you see the most horrendous situations with children in the middle. You wonder why? Why couldn't they summon the strength to leave for their children if not for themselves?

FortVictoria · 30/12/2021 16:58

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

That does sound enormously frustrating. Im not sure what to say to that other than its clear the other person has no idea what CC is or how it works. You dont necessarily have to have been there, but you do need to have been exposed to information in order to understand the mechanics.

I dont think your friend meant any malice, but is clueless. It says much more about her than it does about you. Try and brush it off.

You got out, alive, so youre a fucking rock star.

As Strictly says, you had the courage and determination to get out. And you and your kids are alive. That’s a pretty amazing result in itself. Good for you! I agree that you’re a rock star!! It’s easy to be a critic, very hard to live real life. Your friend has no idea how she would behave in this situation, as she hasn’t been in it.
Original poster
NaughtyNata · 30/12/2021 17:00

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate

Your friend should never have said that to you.

It is , however brutal , an important question to ask yourself when you feel strong enough.

What do you mean by this?

I didn't leave at first because he was making threats about what he would do if I did! It's not an easy position to be in at all.

It's the kind of learning curve that no one should ever have to go on. It's made me massively cautious of relationships since then and has frankly put me off of serious relationships. I would never allow someone to get close again so as not to go through the same because unfortunately, abusers don't go around with a light up sign on their heads pointing it out.

I know I deserve so much better as does everyone.

OP posts:
Sleepytimebear · 30/12/2021 17:01

Agree with PP that people just don't understand and it's really impossible for them to know how they would react if something happened to them because it is theoretical - you have actually lived it. For me I get frustrated that people think it wasn't abuse because he didn't hit me. There were physical elements, serial abuse, emotional abuse, coercive control and he used to be violent in other ways. This all broke my spirit and made me terrified every day but isn't "real abuse" to lots of people because I never had a black eye. So basically for half of the world the abuse wasn't really that bad and for the other half it's all my fault for staying. Catch 22!

Sleepytimebear · 30/12/2021 17:02

Sexual* not serial!

Original poster
NaughtyNata · 30/12/2021 17:02

@Shebangshebong

I have to be honest...I have a lot of knowledge about DV and the boiling frog scenario, I've read the books and seen friends go through it. But this question still lingers when you see the most horrendous situations with children in the middle. You wonder why? Why couldn't they summon the strength to leave for their children if not for themselves?
See again- sometimes it is because they are scared for their children that they don't. It really, really isn't straightforward.

It's nothing to do with strength. I actually think the concept of strength is wrong- I've had other people say to me I'm strong and I dont think I am. Or many other people tbh. You just deal with what you have in front of you at the time and sadly some people have more shit to deal with than others.

OP posts:
Suzanne999 · 30/12/2021 17:06

“ I did the best I could at the time and it took all my nerve to get away. I just don't think people know unless they've been there themselves.”

You’ve hit the nail on the head there.
Everyone’s story is different. Maybe we think ( hope) on a “good” day it’ll stay like that. I don’t know, I only know I did the same as you, the best I could at the time then I made my plan and escaped, as far away as I could.

If it makes you feel any better, I did meet and marry years later, a lovely man who couldn’t have been more different. He was strong in body and soul and considerate and caring. It’s the weak and pathetic who are abusive.

Original poster
NaughtyNata · 30/12/2021 17:07

Identify so much with comments about feeling like your spirit is broken- also the way that some people don't view it as actual abuse if you aren't left with physical injuries.

It's very, very difficult.

OP posts:
passionfruitpizza · 30/12/2021 17:09

Honestly that's a question I ask myself constantly when looking back on past abusive relationships. It's an insensitive question to direct at someone else but it is one I constantly ask myself so I kind of get it.

keycar · 30/12/2021 17:09

I feel your pain.

And let's not forget the guilt tripping questions too making it clear that you are responsible for sorting the situation out despite being on the receiving end of a pile of shitty behaviour.

Oh and the 'shit or get off the pot' type support of some 'friends' when seeking support.

Shebangshebong · 30/12/2021 17:10

I understand that. But children are helpless and vulnerable, and only only have you to protect them. So despite the terror, it's very hard to look at a situation where a mother (or father in that situation), doesn't leave. Leaving is the most dangerous time. But there are resources and agencies out there to help and enough out there about DV for people to know that things will not change. I appreciate that's blunt, but I agree with PP who says at some point you have to ask the question.

Original poster
NaughtyNata · 30/12/2021 17:15

@Shebangshebong but what question should I be asking myself when I didn't 'let' him, and indeed I did 'get away'?

With regards to support- it's patchy and inconsistent- my experience is that at the beginning it can be good and then rapidly tails off, when the situation is no easier really.

OP posts:
Bellafrenum · 30/12/2021 17:16

My mum is awful for this. Whenever a man is guilty of anything, her response is well what is wrong with his wife putting up with it? She despises her own mother as she blames her for her dad's abuse.

troper · 30/12/2021 17:16

You should've been proud that you finally did have the courage to leave. Focus on that Thanks

Original poster
NaughtyNata · 30/12/2021 17:18

I think it's important to remember too that abuse isn't always being beaten black and blue, it isn't constant 'danger' as such- it's all on a spectrum but all disgusting and unacceptable.

OP posts:
Shebangshebong · 30/12/2021 17:25

You did get away and that's brilliant. By ask yourself it's more about preventing it from happening again and understanding whether anything in your past or upbringing or beliefs about yourself etc. has happened that may have played a part. The Freedom Programme is often recommended on here.

givethatbabyaname · 30/12/2021 17:26

It’s such a complicated thing, you can’t reduce it to something as simple as it might look from the outside.