'Why did you let him abuse you?'

[NaughtyNata]

Said to me by a friend about my ex. Mainly emotional abusive/coercive control. Physical a couple of times. Not minimising but it wasn't constant or everyday. Just to give a little more context.

Left him years ago now but things still not easy. Fwiw I was desperate to get away from him for years but was scared and was scared about the kids and wanted to keep them safe.

So comments like 'why did you let him' or 'I would have done xyz' are quite hurtful tbh. I did the best I could at the time and it took all my nerve to get away. I just don't think people know unless they've been there themselves.

Not looking for advice or anything but can anyone relate, to how bloody frustrating comments like that are?

I'm feeling a bit shit about it and haven't got anyone to discuss with IRL.

Tbh I have wondered this with my sister but the guy was really abusive and she only knew him two weeks before it started and she still kept seeing him despite him constantly threatening her and calling her abusive names a threatening to beat her up, she still even stayed with him after doing a Claire’s law and finding out he beat up his own mother, she fell out with me for me giving her my opinion on him. I can understand when someone is trapped in an abusive relationship and it’s sort of crept up on them but not when someone is abusive from the start, within 2 weeks of knowing her he was being abusive. So yes people will wonder

@RedCandyApple your sister's situation is very different from mine and many others who have posted and isn't really comparable, for people to wonder on.

He sounds utterly horrendous and I hope she gets herself away from him and is safe.

@Heruka

You see this kind of sentiment on MN all the time.

OP: I have a horrible/abusive/lazy partner, here’s what he did

MN: Why did you let him do that?

Total victim blaming. Mysogyny. Everything is womens fault. Sorry for what you experienced OP.

That’s totally and utterly untrue and seriously unfair and unacceptable to the majority of posters who post with good intentions and support. Victim blaming is not the go to of this site.

No one asks why when it’s the first time, but when it’s th second, third, fourth, and the woman stays, keeps having babies, even quits her job, then yes, people ask why she stayed after the first time, why she kept having kids, why she gave up her job to be reliant. Asking why is not victim blaming. It’s asking why.

If you are a woman then we all make our deals with the patriarchy. Some of us are lucky and have access to resources that mean we are able to make safer choices than our less fortunate sisters. Some of us just have to bite our tongues in the face of yet another outrageously sexist comment (wouldn't want to ruin the dinner party). Some of us have to float away and not be present whilst the man that stands between us and eviction 'has sex' with our body. Some of us don't say anything when our partner assumes that maternity leave = time to collect his dry cleaning. Some of us want a happy 'normal' family for our child so much that we are willing to turn a blind eye to red flags so long as they only disadvantage me... But we all make our deals and none of us gets to judge.

But we all make our deals and none of us gets to judge

No we don’t all make our deals. I have not. I hope Ive taught my daughter better. None of the women I know have Made deals.

I agree no one should judge, but do not say all women put up with abuse or sexist bullshit. We don’t. We absolutely don’t. And it’s a terrible message on a thread like this to say we all put up with this shit. It’s a cop out and does no one any favours.

Now I'm educated through experience on abusive relationships I will never have one again.

Rock hard boundaries and educating myself were what helped.

Boundaries = being willing to end things early rather than persist in the illusion of 'he'll change'
Being willing to put myself first

Lucky lucky you (and I mean that sincerely).

Annie those are the kind of deals I was making and I see it as so, so wrong that anyone should feel they have no choice but to make those deals.

I agree we shouldn't judge but I would never make those kind of deals again.

That’s totally and utterly untrue and seriously unfair and unacceptable to the majority of posters who post with good intentions and support. Victim blaming is not the go to of this site.

Fair enough, my post ignores all the amazing kindness and support offered by women to one another on MN, I take your point on that Bluntness and agree when that happens it’s wonderful.

But I see these questions all the time here and like a pp has said with a DV campaign, the more appropriate question is why does he do this. Not ‘why do you let him do this’ - imo the question implies she is responsible in some way. The question ‘is this acceptable to you?’ would be a way to explore what’s going on without blaming the woman for ‘allowing’ herself to be abused.

@Heruka

That’s totally and utterly untrue and seriously unfair and unacceptable to the majority of posters who post with good intentions and support. Victim blaming is not the go to of this site.

Fair enough, my post ignores all the amazing kindness and support offered by women to one another on MN, I take your point on that Bluntness and agree when that happens it’s wonderful.

But I see these questions all the time here and like a pp has said with a DV campaign, the more appropriate question is why does he do this. Not ‘why do you let him do this’ - imo the question implies she is responsible in some way. The question ‘is this acceptable to you?’ would be a way to explore what’s going on without blaming the woman for ‘allowing’ herself to be abused.

It's a valid question. I say that as a former 'victim'. How can people learn without taking some responsibility?

@Heruka

There's a subtle but massive difference between blaming the victim and encouraging the victim to take responsibility.

The fault is the abuser's.
The responsibility to get away from the abuse is the victim's.

Until the victim accepts this responsibility, they will not choose the right path to make them happy. But that doesn't mean they are to blame for the abuser's behaviour.

That's what helped me get out: recognising that, looking back, it wasn't my fault, but looking forward, it was all down to me, because expecting an abuser to change is a thankless effort.

I got obsessed with working out how I'd fallen into the narc trap. I know not all abusers are narcissistic but narcissistic abuse is a total mindfuvk.

But by understanding it I could kind of step outside it. The hardest part was accepting Mr nice guy at the start was all an act. I felt conned.

Quora and reddit were excellent resources.

In a way thr experience humbled me. I had a friend in an abusive relationship and I couldn't understand it. I thought she wax weak. But trauma bonding is like nothing else... very hard to resist the chemical reinforcement.

@RoseMartha it was tough. To cut a long story short, the kids and I were eventually placed in temporary emergency housing by the council because he refused to leave our house which had a joint mortgage. It was in the same town and he would repeatedly turn up at the door at all times of the day in all kind of states. I felt sick every time I heard a knock at the door and the police had to warn him twice to stop harassing me. I was lucky that the police were always kind to me but because he was very aggressive/abusive but not violent they couldn’t do much. I moved to the next town which is my home town where my mum lives. He wouldn’t walk that far and he saves every spare penny for gambling so it stopped him turning up on my doorstep all the time. I wanted as little disruption as possible for the kids but I couldn’t afford to buy him out so we sold the family home. I’m in a smaller house which I actually prefer and the kids are settled at a new school which it turns out has been a better school. I don’t know where I’d be without the amazing support of my mother, sister and brother in law, work manager and doctor. My family all hate him so have nothing to do with him.

I do agree about taking responsibility. I didn’t realise how abusive he was until I left the relationship and Mumsnet has helped open my eyes. I used to say ‘everyone has problems. These are just our problems’ and dismiss how awful he was to me and the kids. I didn’t grow up in an abusive household and I’ve only been in one abusive relationship.

I thought a lot about what I should have taken more seriously when we first started dating and what my red flags were. I remember when we were on a night out celebrating my birthday after being together for 2/3 months and he stormed off home without saying anything to me because he thought I was paying too much attention to a male friend (I wasn’t) he hadn’t met before. That kind of thing had never happened to me with a man before and I was so confused. I repeatedly phoned him (I was ignored until the following day), got so upset I went home ruining the night and I was texting desperately trying to find out what I’d done wrong. If that happened today I’d be angry at his total lack of respect and could see he was conditioning me to not make him angry and control me because he was unreasonably jealous. I’m the same as the OP in that I spot red flags easily and I’m hyper vigilant nowadays. I have tried dating in the four years since we separated but for multiple reasons, including a real struggle to trust or let a man close to me, I’m still single. I’m still much happier than when we were together but he does still affect me because he treats our kids like disposable props for social media. I look forward to when they’re adults and I never need to deal with him ever again.

Anyone in a narcissist abusive relationship I cannot recommend r/ narcissistic abuse highly enough. Really helped me to get out.

@JorisBohnson2

Anyone in a narcissist abusive relationship I cannot recommend r/ narcissistic abuse highly enough. Really helped me to get out.

What are you recommendimg?

Reddit: r/narcissistic abuse

Lovely community which helped me see that my narc was deliberately and delightfully playing mind games for kicks.

Before that I couldn't understand why anyone would do such a thing.

Also a wealth of information that helped je understand it all.

Although a short relationship it was one of the most intense experiences ever.. insane lovebombing I really felt like he put a spell on me. Its just a forum that really helped me to get out.

@thefourgp
I am so glad you are all in a better place now.

You were lucky the council housed you. And you have some support.

I tried to find alternative accommodation during the divorce but every door shut in my face, despite us being considered from professionals to be at risk from abuse and on the police watch list if a 999 call to the police was made from our home address.

Meanwhile he had the bedroom and I slept on the floor for 18 months. The atmosphere and tension was horrendous.

We sold the house too. It was just a regular first time buyers home. I was lucky to buy a starter type 2 bed flat. Although the dc feel its beneath them. And often remind me so. That I am not providing the home they deserve. I think some of this comes from exh as he feeds them lies about me. They often tell me that he does and it makes them not want to see him.

I, like you dont know if I will ever be able to trust again enough to have a relationship. To just be totally free from him atm feels enough. And I can't see he will be out my life properly until dc have both reached 18.

I didnt think I grew up in an abusive home but in retrospect my sibling is very controlling and always was and my mother did some years ago apologise for not giving me as much of her time as she felt she should as my sibling demanded all her attention. I now think that perhaps sowed the seed to me being an easy target for abuse in my marriage.

I am working on cutting the chains off one link at a time.

Thinking of you