'Why did you let him abuse you?'

[NaughtyNata]

Said to me by a friend about my ex. Mainly emotional abusive/coercive control. Physical a couple of times. Not minimising but it wasn't constant or everyday. Just to give a little more context.

Left him years ago now but things still not easy. Fwiw I was desperate to get away from him for years but was scared and was scared about the kids and wanted to keep them safe.

So comments like 'why did you let him' or 'I would have done xyz' are quite hurtful tbh. I did the best I could at the time and it took all my nerve to get away. I just don't think people know unless they've been there themselves.

Not looking for advice or anything but can anyone relate, to how bloody frustrating comments like that are?

I'm feeling a bit shit about it and haven't got anyone to discuss with IRL.

I was abused for years. At first I didn’t know I was being abused. I look back now and realise I was being emotionally abused and controlled and financially abused but at the time it didn’t occur to me. After our second child was born it became physical. Started with him pushing me out of the way when he was arguing with me about the fact he’d gone out in the Friday afternoon and not returned home until the Sunday. I dismissed it - I was in his way. It then became worse and it started getting sexual. I didn’t want sex with him because he was being a dick he then guilted me into having sex with him or he would shout and scream at me if I refused. A lot of the time I just left him to do whatever because it was easier. It was only when he really battered me that I left. I also took out a restraining order and he is not allowed to see his children.

Why didn’t I leave him? Because I was terrified. And I was right to be. Women are far more at risk when they leave the relationship than they are when they’re in it.

After I left I (what my therapist called it) bruised his ego. He went nuts. I moved house, he found out where and was turning up at all hours. He breached his restraining order 3 times before he got jail for it and then he only got 8 weeks and was out in 4. 2 days later he breached it again. He then took me to court for access to the kids which he didn’t get. He also made numerous reports to social services.

He’s left me alone since he came out of jail the second time.

I understand why people ask the question. It’s really hard to understand unless you’ve been in the situation yourself. But why didn’t I leave sooner? Because it was slow and subtle and by the time I recognised it I was terrified

Some people really don't know how to listen. It really is a basic skill which so many people just don't have. The number of times I've heard people dismiss abuse with statements like 'I'm sure he didn't mean it', 'I'm sure he loved you really', 'I'm sure she meant well' etc etc etc. Similarly frustrating. I think some people can't sit and listen to these things without trying to minimise, dismiss or fix it because it makes them feel uncomfortable. It's unhelpful way to be.

Plus they're not like that all the time.
If they where constantly abusive it would be "easier" to leave .
But unfortunately there are good times,family times without abuse.
Weeks maybe months and then it starts again.

@Shebangshebong

You did get away and that's brilliant. By ask yourself it's more about preventing it from happening again and understanding whether anything in your past or upbringing or beliefs about yourself etc. has happened that may have played a part. The Freedom Programme is often recommended on here.

Nope. Nothing about me- it was entirely HIM.

Started the freedom programme- couldn't finish it due to work commitments but it all made sense to me anyway. I have very firm boundaries now, an innate wariness and lack of trust which I feel serves me well.

I used to think this until I encountered narcissist abuse myself.
Short answer: I couldn't believe the person I thought he was was an illusion and the real person was actually the opposite and enjoyed making me suffer. It was very hard to admit I'd been emotionally conned.

So many posts resonate.

I'm really sorry that there are so many of us. And thank you so much to those who've taken the time to share things that must be really difficult. Makes me feel a bit shaky to think on it all too much.

@CactusLemonSpice

IME, it also becomes exhausting to sit and listen to your friend crying down the end of the phone because he's hit her for the umpteenth time and she won't call the police, won't let you call the police, won't grab the kids and let you pick her up and stay at yours but then the next day everything is okay because he's bought flowers and is cooking tea and said sorry. It is emotionally exhausting (and no I'm not disregarding how the victim feels). But sometimes you can listen and confirm it's abuse and signpost to support till you're blue in the face, but still those children are trapped because Mum won't leave.

The expression "walk a mile in their shoes" sums this up. No-one, unless they've been through it themselves, will ever understand how hard it is to break free. You did. And you should feel proud of yourself every single day.

@NaughtyNata what I mean is that you'll eventually need to identify what made you vulnerable to an abuser. In my case it was having an alcoholic parent , and a parent that stayed with that alcoholic. I had no idea what a relationship should look like , l thought love was forgiving all of somebody's faults no matter how damaging their behaviour was. I never saw boundaries growing up and had to learn them after a 10 year+ abusive marriage.

People who say things like that have very little empathy and also have zero idea of how abuse works.

[quote Shebangshebong]@CactusLemonSpice

IME, it also becomes exhausting to sit and listen to your friend crying down the end of the phone because he's hit her for the umpteenth time and she won't call the police, won't let you call the police, won't grab the kids and let you pick her up and stay at yours but then the next day everything is okay because he's bought flowers and is cooking tea and said sorry. It is emotionally exhausting (and no I'm not disregarding how the victim feels). But sometimes you can listen and confirm it's abuse and signpost to support till you're blue in the face, but still those children are trapped because Mum won't leave.[/quote]
I agree but thank fuck for my friends who stood by me. I did leave in the end and will never forget their compassion.

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate there is nothing that I can identify that made me 'vulnerable' to an abuser. Nothing in my upbringing etc.

As with them all, he didn't start out abusive. I get what you are saying to some extent but I also think that sometimes, until it happens, there would have been nothing that anyone could have done to prevent it from happening. Apart from the abusive scumbag not being an abusive scumbag.

This is why I now no longer trust men. Because there was nothing that made me vulnerable. And there is no way of telling which ones will turn out to be rotten- there aren't always signs.

Blaming the women for the abuse by men is misogyny. Very disappointing when its other women I also think it's a way of them trying to tell themselves that they will never be in that situation, and if they are, they will do a, b or c. I hope they never have to find out that it's really not that straightforward. Let's blame men for the abuse, when it's men abusing women shall we, and not the 'wimmin' for tolerating it

Victim blaming. I don't think people realise how stupid and hurtful they are when they make these comments.

I think when people realise that they are deep in an abusive relationship it can feel overwhelming the thought of trying to detangle their lives from the abuser. In many cases it's not as simple as 'just leave'. The resources are sometimes just not there to help them, that doubled with pressure from friends/family who are unable to see how bad it is either and try to convince you that it's just typical relationship problems, especially when the abuse isn't physical and you are made to feel like a fraud. Many victims also often downplay how bad it actually is and don't feel that they are entitled to accept the help of DV charities, just incase someone is in a much worse predicament.

It is devastating that children get caught up in it and more should be done to prevent it, but I don't think it's fair to blame the parent who didn't escape. I feel the failure there is much greater. It's only in recent years that the law has taken DV more seriously, but still fails massively. The plentiful cases where abusers get away with their violence doesn't fill anyone being abused with confidence that their case will be any different. And I also know 2 DV survivors personally who experienced shocking abuse that there children witnessed and the courts insisted that the fathers should still have contact, only to continue to use the children to torment their victims again.

Until more is done by the family courts/ government etc to protect DV survivors, parents will continue to feel that staying in the relationship is better than leaving only to still be abused, have people you need turn on you (having your own family take the abusers side is soul destroying) and the thoughts that you can't protect your children when you are not there with them.

When it does stop being victim blaming and very bluntly and honestly looking at your part in something and the actions you did or didn't take? No woman deserves abuse, it is never, ever a victim's fault. But it is a choice to stay or go.

@CerealKiller22

I think when people realise that they are deep in an abusive relationship it can feel overwhelming the thought of trying to detangle their lives from the abuser. In many cases it's not as simple as 'just leave'. The resources are sometimes just not there to help them, that doubled with pressure from friends/family who are unable to see how bad it is either and try to convince you that it's just typical relationship problems, especially when the abuse isn't physical and you are made to feel like a fraud. Many victims also often downplay how bad it actually is and don't feel that they are entitled to accept the help of DV charities, just incase someone is in a much worse predicament.

It is devastating that children get caught up in it and more should be done to prevent it, but I don't think it's fair to blame the parent who didn't escape. I feel the failure there is much greater. It's only in recent years that the law has taken DV more seriously, but still fails massively. The plentiful cases where abusers get away with their violence doesn't fill anyone being abused with confidence that their case will be any different. And I also know 2 DV survivors personally who experienced shocking abuse that there children witnessed and the courts insisted that the fathers should still have contact, only to continue to use the children to torment their victims again.

Until more is done by the family courts/ government etc to protect DV survivors, parents will continue to feel that staying in the relationship is better than leaving only to still be abused, have people you need turn on you (having your own family take the abusers side is soul destroying) and the thoughts that you can't protect your children when you are not there with them.

I agree with all of this @CerealKiller22, you've described my thoughts so much more articulately than I could.

My ex still sees the DC. If they ever said anything that caused me concern I would put a stop to that immediately but thankfully they haven't. I have little faith in the courts.

Honestly- I have very little faith in the police as well.

Unfortunately if we have narcissistic nasty ppl in our life in one capacity, we often realise I time that we have them in other capacities too.

She is not your friend. She is the same thing he was.

@Shebangshebong I understand from the outside it seems like the victim should be protecting her children by leaving but in my case (and I think the OP's) I stayed to protect my kids. I have heard too many stories of abusive men being 'allowed' to continue having unsupervised access to their children despite there being obvious signs of abuse. I do not believe for a minute that anyone would have helped me keep my children safe. He admitted to so many people, who were in jobs where there was a duty to safeguard, that he abused our children and no one did a thing about it. I remember telling a counsellor about it and her telling me she would pretend she hadn't heard that. At least when I was there I could physically put myself between him and my children to protect them. I still strongly believe I did the best thing for them by staying.

@FlamingoYellow that sounds utterly horrific and very different to my own situation but I understand completely what you are saying. I don't think many people understand it. Also every single situation is different.

I'm sorry for what you went through 💐

@FlamingoYellow and that is truly awful that nobody acted upon those disclosures. But no child has benefitted from their parent staying with an abuser and I think a number of posters on MN who have grown up in DV households would support that.

My boy's dad is a real con artist. He stole tens of thousands of pounds from me , committed fraud and emotionally and financially abused me . Like all abusers he didn't show his true colours from the get go , of course not. He waited years and when I was pregnant that's when he started.
Your friend needs to educate herself on the whole thing, I don't think she's being unkind , she is just ignorant .
It also took me years to find the strength to leave.

I think they should teach children about abuse at school , as many still believe that it can't be abuse if there is no physical violence.

My daughter only knows what she does because I have been open about her father and always answered her questions honestly.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly I agree, she's not unkind, she is just being ignorant and it's frustrating. But no malice there.

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate

I think they should teach children about abuse at school , as many still believe that it can't be abuse if there is no physical violence.

My daughter only knows what she does because I have been open about her father and always answered her questions honestly.

I agree @ToastCrumbsOnAPlate, it really needs to be taught in schools