Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

@InABetterPlaceNow Turns out he's a split between secure and anxious equally. I'd been trying to figure it out as he doesn't quite seem secure but also doesn't seem FA

What you have said here is exactly what fearful/disorganised is - its a mix of all attachment styles so sometimes he will act more secure and sometimes more avoidant.

I think fearful avoidant muddies the waters with being avoidant so I refer to it as disorganised because it feels more clear cut at being a seperate attachment style.

Checking in! 🤩 thanks @BelladiMamma for the new thread and the word 'snafu' which made me laugh out loud! What exactly does it mean? I'm sure @FabulousMrFifty would know, sounds like a word he'd throw out there from his 'era' 😂 so lovely @ReturnBunk you're back! Sounds like you been tackling work projects, so time to shut the laptop/switch off the monitor and step away from work for a little bit! (said in the least bossiest voice) 🤩🤞🏻

Can I join? Got a newish boyfriend of 2.5 months but not from OLD. Knew him as dated 11 years ago and met through a mutual friend. Am still speaking to someone else on and off as backup through OLD as had horrendous lockdown “fling” through OLD.

@StartingAgain6369

Just checking in, the list has rocketed along today

Had a lovely afternoon and evening with Ms YM1 at Bleinhiem Place for afternoon tea and the light show they've got one.

I'm 110% sure now she definitely doesn't want me, but is only interested in a friendship. She is amazing company and I'm absolutely besotted but it's not be

@StartingAgain6369 - sorry to hear you’ve been friend zoned. Do you want the friendship still or not?

@Catcrazy83 Its me that recognises changes in my cycle affects my mood. Ovulation time (10 - 14 days before your period starts) lowers your hormones so you feel moody and low, this is when I go into 'dump Mr K' mode, luckily I recognise that I'm being irrational so don't act on it.

I have always been clear with Mr K that I can't do too long together in one go, since my marriage ended I like my own time and space. Over Xmas we did Boxing Day afternoon to 28th afternoon and that was just perfect and enough time to enjoy each others company but not enough for me to wish he left.

I think spending too long together isn't what relationships are about nowadays. Keeping it short and sweet sounds good.

Can you pinpoint exactly what made you feellike you did?
It might be the ick or it might be something else that happened which caused you to feel like that.

@Yellowshirt

Hi everyone. I hope you dont mind me checking in . I'm male, single for over 3 years now and recently turned 40. I've just deleted myself from Badoo as I can't even start a simple conversation with the women of the Midlands. I'm just not compatible with anyone. I have been reading the dating threads on here for a while trying to pick up tips etc etc. But I've now given ip.

@Yellowshirt - dating apps though great can be the devils own work if you find it hard chatting.

Have you tried Meet-up groups, local walking groups or library/local interest? Our local library always seems to have loads on end the local markets.

Thanks for the new thread belladi
All good my end with Mr K, not seen him since Tues afternoon when he left after 2 days together and that's fine by me as I need time to 'reset' after spending that long with him.
Not sure when I'll next see him as my DD has tested positive on a LFT so PCR booked for later.
I've had a sore throat and ear ache for a few days but currently negative on LFT.

Checking in
No new tinder matches and covid earlier this month killed a planned night out (Also the only planned night out) with friends over Xmas

See what the new year brings I guess !

@ibelieveinmirrorballs - agreed with you, OKC was one of the few sites that I had dates from that led somewhere else and felt that people actually read the profiles.

Lots of the other sites like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge where you don’t answer questions or put much info down I found I was stumbling around in the darkness a bit as needed to ask them lots of questions.

If anyone’s interested. I’ve been seeing MrC for past 2.5 months (roughly) but due to both our work and distance (other side of London) it’s not been loads of dates but a few. I am a bit nervous due to seeing him before 11 years earlier for a couple of months which ended but I think I know why now. He wasn’t over his ex then and also slight worry re money and paying on dates. But he seems far more chilled and mature since then.

@Gonnagetgoing glad your cross-London romance is going well! Sounds like MrC is in a better place for a relationship now.

@ReturnBunk welcome back lady! Missed you too! (2nd creep!) 😂
@VivaVegas hey, I remember you 👋😊
@VanGoghsDog that’s a shame he wants more but you’re just not feeling it, you can’t force yourself to have a spark there hey? Hope you don’t feel too bad about it, you did try.
@WeWantTheFinestWines sounded like a lovely time, maybe if you give it time there might be something there to grow?

Morning to everyone else 😘💗

Anyone going out this evening? I wasn’t planning to, but a pal of mine announced yesterday she’s coming to pick me up and we’re going out! 😁

@FabulousMrFifty wowzers, I see what you mean by a performance now! That sounds like quite a workout! Just one of those things at a time would be enough for me 🙈 I was entertained by the thought of you answering questions from the quiz. If you were getting them right that would have been a turn-on for a geek like me 😂

@InABetterPlaceNow I've spent 2 months adjusting to the fact he's always doing stuff with people and I'll need to give him space, and in a moment found out "oh hell no, you're coming with me!". Some of it's over discord so I'm joking in as of January

This sounds nice but just be careful you're not making your whole life about him.
Remember a man should enhance your life and not be your life.

Have you got hobbies of your own?
Its good for couples to have seperate interests/hobbies, it keeps you independent from each other plus gives you more to talk about when you get together/have video calls.

@Stayingstrongish
Yeah, bit of a task for an unfit middle aged man with wonky knees, but this where the DE can actually help, sometimes I can keep errr..”plugging away”, for some time.

Yeah, I got a lot right, was only a radio phone in thing.

@Shayelle2009
No, not going out, have plans NYD that require an early start, so early to bed for me.

@mrgoodatfixingrhings @Yellowshirt
Welcome fellow brothers, the apps are indeed the devils own work..

@Shayelle2009 have a fab evening! I always used to go out on NYE but I'm being grumpy this year and somehow can't face it! Have a good one on my behalf!

@StartingAgain6369 a shame about Miss YM, maybe some space might help you adjust to friendship rather than romance. Has she made it completely clear that's what she wants?

@FabulousMrFifty sorry thats hilarious - all that energetic carrying on and answering quiz questions at the same time! You've officially busted the myth about men being unable to multitask 😉

@ReturnBunk I'm going to try my best to come to the meetup - can combine with seeing my sister who lives in North London and may have a baby by then. I just can't cope with the FOMO to be honest!

@VanGoghsDog you've been really clear with Mr Stone about your feelings - it's up to him to accept it and stop pushing. That would be unattractive even if you were on the fence about him.

@SortingItOut sorry to hear you may have been struck by covid. Hope you all feel better soon.

Hello to everyone else and a happy New Year's Eve. About to blitz my house so I can do a nice dog walk this afternoon and come back to serenity! And I'm not talking to any irons today, dating has monopolised enough time and headspace over the last few months.

Thanks @MizK! I wasn’t planning on doing a thing, but my pal really wants to go, im really going as her wingwoman but I dont mind 🙂 how you feeling about MrTeacher now? x

Going to wander up the high st in a bit and see if the Turk is about 👀 nice bit of NYE eye candy!

[quote BelladiMamma]@Catcrazy83 oh no - the ICK. that's a great shame

@VanGoghsDog I had to have a minor operation to have my last IUD reMoved as it was embedded in my womb lining and extremely painful. Yes I need to think about long term contraceptive options but I also need to continue having safe sex so condoms will carry on being a thing for me, and yes they will occasionally be unreliable but I guess I need to keep an eye out - literally - for that & act accordingly. Apparently you can get a diaphragm privately so let's see if that could be an option? As for certain miscarriage etc. That is down to my age and also the number of viable eggs. My gynae had a good rummage around during my operation in September and she said I could still get pregnant but at my age probably wouldn't carry to term. So double whammy!![/quote]
I am embarrassingly ill-informed about these things. I am not using any contraception although am on HRT and don't have periods and am 51 (and I suppose the quaint term for what we are doing is the 'withdrawal method'). I need to speak to my menopause doc about it all I think and see what she says. We've both had STI tests.

Hope you manage to sort out the MAP and all goes well with that.

I need to get back on the dating wagon, my profiles are still on POF and Tinder but I haven’t put much effort in recently. I was kind of casually dating someone (more of a FWB) but he rounds hot and cold and has made me feel pretty rubbish I’ve Christmas by vanishing several times and projecting his miserableness onto me, he’s gone from worshiping the ground I walk in to hardly talking to me. So I need to try and find some new irons/friends but I’m feeling a bit down and fat after Christmas. I think I will rejoin the gym in the new year and maybe go to some fitness classes to lose a bit of weight and maybe meet people.

I think I probably need to rewrite my profile and change my photos as I have had all my hair cut off so look a little different.

I have a new iron that I’m hopefully meeting up with in the next week or so, he’s very sweet but a bit quirky, also he’s never been in a longterm relationship 😬, I will call him Mr Gardener. Hoping to meet for coffee and a walk, mainly to get me back in the swing of dating and regaining some confidence.

I have been single for 5 years, I’m usually perfectly happy being single but this Christmas has been hard, my dc are now older teens so I spend more and more time on my own. It would be nice to find someone to share my spare time with (but not live wit).

@fabulousMrFifty no need for a gym membership!! And answering quiz questions 😂😂

Got DD2 with me so will be staying in tonight with a takeaway and a few drinks. Hopefully will make NYD Parkrun tomorrow!

This thread is moving fast right now!!

@VanGoghsDog Definitely the case that age increases risk of miscarrying - this was something I was acutely aware of when trying to get pregnant in my late 30s, your comment made me think so have googled and actually am shocked how sharply the rates rise by age here - 60% rate for age 44-46!

I think you've made the right decision with MrStone - it is uncomfortable to be around someone who you know is basically gagging for you to move a bit closer, give a bit more, etc etc. I just don't think it works, which is such a shame sometimes.

[quote SortingItOut]@Catcrazy83 Its me that recognises changes in my cycle affects my mood. Ovulation time (10 - 14 days before your period starts) lowers your hormones so you feel moody and low, this is when I go into 'dump Mr K' mode, luckily I recognise that I'm being irrational so don't act on it.

I have always been clear with Mr K that I can't do too long together in one go, since my marriage ended I like my own time and space. Over Xmas we did Boxing Day afternoon to 28th afternoon and that was just perfect and enough time to enjoy each others company but not enough for me to wish he left.

I think spending too long together isn't what relationships are about nowadays. Keeping it short and sweet sounds good.

Can you pinpoint exactly what made you feellike you did?
It might be the ick or it might be something else that happened which caused you to feel like that.[/quote]
Can I have a dose of your common sense please @SortingItOut?

Left Mr Mixtape on Wednesday morning after yet another brilliant date, this time with affirming yet non-lovebomby chats about what's going on. As ever came home with a 'there's absolutely nothing to be anxious about' mindset, and this time feeling that by contrast, I felt as though our talk and time together this time nudged things forward.

Cut to -- 48 hours later and I can feel the anxiety rising. He made contact not long after I got home to basically say 'thanks for a fantastic fourth date, hope you got home safely' and we've had contact each day. He has a house full of guests and is partying tonight. I don't even want to necessarily talk to him, I think it's an 'I'm not good enough' anxiety, sort of the opposite of that line 'I don't want to be a member of any club that will have me', that I think he's really quite a fantastic human and it's making me feel inadequate.

Thankfully I have an enormous amount of decluttering/getting things ready for the return of my builders on Tuesday to do, as well as various nice things for me - including a 2 hour massage later this morning. I've also got my second session with new therapist on Monday, so just need to sit on my hands until then!

@Shayelle2009

Thanks *@MizK*! I wasn’t planning on doing a thing, but my pal really wants to go, im really going as her wingwoman but I dont mind 🙂 how you feeling about MrTeacher now? x

Going to wander up the high st in a bit and see if the Turk is about 👀 nice bit of NYE eye candy!

COME ON MR TURK - sort it out!

I'm imagining you casually walking up and down the high street about a hundred times looking for this elusive fellow

Have a great NYE @Shayelle2009 - going as a wingwoman often ends up being the best way as you have low expectations and can be pleasantly surprised.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I am not using any contraception although am on HRT and don't have periods and am 51 (and I suppose the quaint term for what we are doing is the 'withdrawal method') 😱😱😱😱😱😱

Why are you playing fast and loose with risking pregnancy? (unless you don't mind falling pregnant?)
I know its likely very slim chance but everyone should sort their contraception out before entering a sexual relationship.
This is the basics of sex education....

I'm glsd you recognise your anxious attachment style, keep sitting on your hands until next week.
My counsellor is away for weeks, I think I'll go 5 weeks without seeing her😱
I'm making notes of things to talk to her about.

[quote SortingItOut]**@ibelieveinmirrorballs* I am not using any contraception although am on HRT and don't have periods and am 51 (and I suppose the quaint term for what we are doing is the 'withdrawal method')* 😱😱😱😱😱😱

Why are you playing fast and loose with risking pregnancy? (unless you don't mind falling pregnant?)
I know its likely very slim chance but everyone should sort their contraception out before entering a sexual relationship.
This is the basics of sex education....

I'm glsd you recognise your anxious attachment style, keep sitting on your hands until next week.
My counsellor is away for weeks, I think I'll go 5 weeks without seeing her😱
I'm making notes of things to talk to her about.[/quote]
I've just been googling around this as I honestly believed that being on HRT (and until recently when my regimen changed, having not had a period for over a year) meant that I didn't really need to worry about pregnancy. Stats for miscarriage at age 46+ are 75-95%. As I say, I think I'll discuss with my menopause doctor to see what she suggests. Reading this morning confirms that for a year or more after cessation of menstruation you can stop using birth control. We had started using condoms but then stopped - I'll check in with my doc and go from there.