Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

@ReturnBunk your thoughts on the app culture really nail what it’s like. And I know I’ve been guilty of starting multiple chats in the past and narrowing down. It’s good to know it’s normal to have flakes or matches that don’t go anywhere.

@ReturnBunk welcome back 😊

@BelladiMamma glad you stopped the things you didn’t want there and then. Sorry to hear about your past experiences.

@Eesha yes I think that’s it, would like it to be more tender and affectionate sometimes. Which he is when we’re not doing stuff.

I am glad to find the new thread. Placemarking

So true @ReturnBunk, thank you!! He might just be my training wheels as I've learnt so much about myself so far (and also that someone can be decent). He's seen me more times without makeup than not at this point, and we can fart in front of each other (at least he has, I'm far too ladylike so far tinkle). But won't be mortified when I do.

I actually don't think if I did it all again I'd need any of this but it's been great finding someone who's willing to go there with me. So if / when it ends I'll take things more as they come. He's been brilliant for me so far those. Despite him shaving off his bloomin beard (half way). I'll adjust.

Honestly I'm just distracting myself with the fact I can't see him till Monday and I want to jump on him the moment I see him. How did people deal during full lockdown?!

@FabulousMrFifty I’m not quite sure what a performance would involve, he he! It’s not actions, it’s words. So for example he has called me a slut before. Which as he is very sweet most of the time I put down to trying things out and getting carried away. But I’m not sure I want to get into that kind of wordplay. I think I’ll just say something afterwards if it comes up again.

Before splitting up with my ex I’d only slept with teenage boys/boys in their 20s when I was younger. They never came out with this kind of stuff. Then I’ve had one other partner since starting OLD and he has also been a talker in bed! It’s been a bit of a culture shock.

@FabulousMrFifty

Rejoined bumble and tinder, nobody ever responds to me on bumble and tinder is slim pickings but I'm persisting.

This is same problem I found with the apps, in my case, women just don’t reply

Have either of you ever tried OKCupid? I found it much better than either Tinder or Bumble and no need to pay. You can get a really decent sense of each person as well via the profile and other questions.

@InABetterPlaceNow that’s really nice that Mr T wants you to come to social things with him. I love the love languages thing!

Checking in here too (although already page 4!) - two months in with Mr Mixtape although that only amounts to four quite intense and extended dates so far. Really like him and trying to stay calm (and quell at times gargantuan anxiety).

Yo! @BelladiMamma

@Stayingstrongish can you ask for a massage or "more of what you like"?

Just say something like "for Saturday night, I'd love it and it would really turn me on if we....". I can't think of many men who would dislike the idea of giving a massage to a women they're clearly very into!

It might sound a bit cringe but I'd maybe use words like "slow, sensuous" or "take our time".

I'd say decent men would be mortified at the thought of not making their date satisfied and communication is so important for sexual compatibility?

[quote Stayingstrongish]@BelladiMamma glad you stopped the things you didn’t want there and then. Sorry to hear about your past experiences.[/quote]
Thanks. I'm very transparent about it as I find that helpful for me.

[quote Stayingstrongish]@InABetterPlaceNow that’s really nice that Mr T wants you to come to social things with him. I love the love languages thing![/quote]
It's lovely, isn't it? I've spent 2 months adjusting to the fact he's always doing stuff with people and I'll need to give him space, and in a moment found out "oh hell no, you're coming with me!". Some of it's over discord so I'm joking in as of January!

Just keep finding more ways we're compatible. Always with the distancing, it might not ultimately work for many reasons, but can't see why not for the time being at least.

Funny enough we wouldn't have matched on "physical touch" a year ago but mine has shot right up since I've met him 😁 which with his "words of affirmation" high score, he loved to hear 😅😂🤓

*joining in - and makes it super easy around the not yet meeting kids thing!

Wasn't there actually a "sexual compatibility" quiz someone put a link up to? Where you could basically fill it "everything I'm ok with, everything I'm not, and things that I want my partner to try but am too nervous to ask"

And your partner does it at the same time, so you both get a "neutral report" which maybe helps with communication a bit.

I don't seem to be breaking out of the "longish fling" stage with anyone but I think if I did I'd try one of those.

@ReturnBunk

Yo! *@BelladiMamma*

@Stayingstrongish can you ask for a massage or "more of what you like"?

Just say something like "for Saturday night, I'd love it and it would really turn me on if we....". I can't think of many men who would dislike the idea of giving a massage to a women they're clearly very into!

It might sound a bit cringe but I'd maybe use words like "slow, sensuous" or "take our time".

I'd say decent men would be mortified at the thought of not making their date satisfied and communication is so important for sexual compatibility?

Yup. If it were me I'd find the little things he does that are more of your liking and talk about how much they do it for you. It doesn't always need to be done in a negative way.

[quote Stayingstrongish]@FabulousMrFifty I’m not quite sure what a performance would involve, he he! It’s not actions, it’s words. So for example he has called me a slut before. Which as he is very sweet most of the time I put down to trying things out and getting carried away. But I’m not sure I want to get into that kind of wordplay. I think I’ll just say something afterwards if it comes up again.

Before splitting up with my ex I’d only slept with teenage boys/boys in their 20s when I was younger. They never came out with this kind of stuff. Then I’ve had one other partner since starting OLD and he has also been a talker in bed! It’s been a bit of a culture shock.[/quote]
@Stayingstrongish. That would be a no for me. Someone I really liked said to me 'my hot black slut" and I stopped , got dressed and could never move past that. He ticked every other box, was super tall, kind, nice etc, but he had also said something prior about a fantasy- which was actually tame and I was ok with, but he then thanked me for allowing him to 'use' me like that.

www.weshouldtryit.com

I think with my ex-iron MrC he was fit and physically attractive and we had some "hot moments" but I would have had sexual compatibility issues longer term - very much a "slightly dominant, this is my routine" kind of guy and not very open to much exploration?

@ReturnBunk

Wasn't there actually a "sexual compatibility" quiz someone put a link up to? Where you could basically fill it "everything I'm ok with, everything I'm not, and things that I want my partner to try but am too nervous to ask"

And your partner does it at the same time, so you both get a "neutral report" which maybe helps with communication a bit.

I don't seem to be breaking out of the "longish fling" stage with anyone but I think if I did I'd try one of those.

That's a good idea.

I'm a massive communicator and love to talk and swap filthy flirty messages once I'm serious about someone so usually they have a fairly good idea what I'm into.

However I also normally tell them my no no's and I think I was just so comfortable with MrDublin I didn't go there.

So far so amazing with him. Really hope this one gets past the 3 month fling stage but ... open to whatever it is and wherever it's going

@ReturnBunk good idea, in fact he owes me a return massage. And I like the quiz idea too!

I'll hold my hand up and say I'm mid-thirties and I definitely do need to "rewire" myself regarding conversations about consent etc? Still on my learning journey.

Unfortunately we're so trained as women to "just accept" and "not hurt the man's feelings or turn HIM off by expressing disapproval of anything sexual".

I think as well we confuse "the guy being attracted to us" with our own arousal.

Like I note I posted here about how MrHedgehog kept asking permission to do stuff/apologising if he thought he'd gone too far in a "that was an odd thing to do" way ...

but actually that should be the social norm I'm used to? (and incidentally I think he's ruined me for many other dates for a while to come).

@ReturnBunk

I'll hold my hand up and say I'm mid-thirties and I definitely do need to "rewire" myself regarding conversations about consent etc? Still on my learning journey.

Unfortunately we're so trained as women to "just accept" and "not hurt the man's feelings or turn HIM off by expressing disapproval of anything sexual".

I think as well we confuse "the guy being attracted to us" with our own arousal.

Like I note I posted here about how MrHedgehog kept asking permission to do stuff/apologising if he thought he'd gone too far in a "that was an odd thing to do" way ...

but actually that should be the social norm I'm used to? (and incidentally I think he's ruined me for many other dates for a while to come).

Yup, MrT is one of these too. I doubt he'd have got me in bed (sober) otherwise. He's also clearly very skilled so I had to get out of my own head a bit to not feel self conscious about not living up to expectations. He went above and beyond to to make me feel comfortable though and it's paid him back in dividends (if I do say so myself!!).

I would never expect anything less, now. Kind of hoping I won't have to for a while as we have plenty more to explore 🙈

Did I mention I like this one and roll on Monday? Also another reason not to introduce kids so soon.

@BelladiMamma Fingers crossed for getting over the 3 month line!!

Hardly any men in the wild yo the few bars friend and I went to. Had a nice laugh with her so enjoyed the relatively man free evening.
@returnbunk looking forward to the meet up in Feb 🙂

@Dancerinthemoonlight

We'll need your London expertise when it comes to venues, I'm still thinking about places that closed down years ago (or would seem very shit/outdated now)!

We came up vaguely with meeting on the South Bank before so that seems a starter plan I guess?

Sounds a bit "teacher/mum" even though I'm not

But feel it would be good to make sure we can all sit in a circle somewhere quiet and properly introduce ourselves and "check in" at the start, rather than trying to find each other in a noisy venue as that can be a nightmare!

Think about setting up a WhatsApp group next month I guess so we can all discuss venues in more detail for privacy or we'll have creepy lurkers coming to stare at us! (waves!)