Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

@Stayingstrongish it's something I hated which actually I should have mentioned to him before because it's such a no no for me. So i ahem used my self defence skills and just stopped everything right there and made it very clear that he'd (unwittingly) crossed a boundary. He was slightly taken aback but it's such a thing for me that in any case I didn't care what he thought at that precise moment

@Stayingstrongish with things I'm a bet meh about I'll just discuss preferences as 'pillow talk'. But due to a sexual assault when I was very young I have some things that I can't do

@Stayingstrongish I would think you possibly need more of a balance of the tender stuff as well as the harder stuff. I think when it goes one way, its easy to feel a bit used. Just talk it through and say you'd like to mix things up more.

Thanks @Heartbeats0708 I think the friendship is salvageable we just need to talk and find out where we're at. Ironically I was looking forward to hearing about his girlfriend(once my initial surprise wore off), I had even told him that before they went away.

@Heartbeats0708 @Stayingstrongish This is a really good point! I've only said "stops" for things that I genuinely don't like in the moment (I have far more issues!) and some things I've been fine with I'm really surprised I like considering my history, but I know MrT will back off the moment I say no.

Then I'm kind of like "Oh ok, you know what, keep going 😂". Those things can also evolve with time but I do think talking about it is good! As long as you don't make it a blame game (people like ALL kinds of stuff in bed and it's not "wrong") but just explaining your preferences and highlighting what works for you.

God dammit, roll on Monday 🙈 Can't believe I was so nervous a month ago.

@Heartbeats0708 that’s another concern I have…I hope it’s not just a rebound thing. I don’t think it is, because my marriage was over long before we officially pulled the plug. So I don’t feel like I’m “newly single” if that makes any sense at all?!

@Isitreallyme1277

Thanks *@Heartbeats0708* I think the friendship is salvageable we just need to talk and find out where we're at. Ironically I was looking forward to hearing about his girlfriend(once my initial surprise wore off), I had even told him that before they went away.

Just be careful how much mental gymnastics you're doing to keep him in your life.

Is he a net positive or net negative? Keep asking yourself this constantly.

Just because again, I recognise what you're saying from a past experience and when it all blew up it took me a LONG time to get over. I lost my "best friend" after all. The one that was using me and living a double life, telling me just enough to keep me hooked. FWIW I very much dislike him now. Also FWIW at one point I wanted us to be lifelong friends. Sorry 😞 Makes me sad to think about the fact he kept me away from a healthy relationship for so long.

Loo Update

Going well so far. Very conscious of not confusing my multiple irons. But I've managed not to call him Pete, Steve or Chris when his name is actually Nick (for example).

Checking in! Thanks lovely @BelladiMamma for the new thread! Carrying us into 2022!
Roll call update is that I still have MrTurk on the brain but no sighting yet but I was out the area all day. WHAT THE HELL is wrong with me… why is this guy on my mind so much when we’ve never even spoken one word to each other. Weird!! I feel like it’s his fault as he’s the one who’s sparked my interest!! Haha it’s good though! I am 100% going to try and make some contact when we next walk past each ither. Even if it’s subtle and met with zero response at least I’ll know.

@bella sounds lovely with MrDublin! 💘

To PP about the contraceptives yes it was a condom snafu. I really don't get on well with the pill or IUD's etc so we have agreed to have a proper conversation about birth control (or in my case, high risk pregnancy likely to become miscarriage control). But at the moment he's just sorting out the morning after pill logistics

@Shayelle2009 come on MrTurk, show your face again!!

@PurpleStripyScarf bit like me worrying the other day if it was going to call MrDublin that to his face 😂

@Stayingstrongish
There should be no issue with you asking for what you want, sounds like he wants more of a “performance”, and you want “love making”?
I found this with MsW ( she liked a performance ), so we did it her way, then my way etc, especially after the “Pyjama-gate” debacle

Absolutely @InABetterPlaceNow and what works with one guy doesn't necessarily work with another (for me). I have/had(?) A Thing that I could never tolerate with my previous sexual partners- not a big/weird thing, just having my hair touched- but I never thought to bring it up with Mr D, I'm not sure why, and the first time he did it I froze for a split second. He obviously sensed it and asked if I was okay and surprisingly I was. Now I love it 🙈 but only ever have with him.

I know @BelladiMamma! That’s what I thought to myself! Such a good looking face too, I want to lick it 🤣🤣

[quote Eesha]**@Isitreallyme1277 I'm sure you'll groan at this comment but he hasn't contacted you since last week and hardly seems to have reached out since you slept together when he had already had a girlfriend he was spending Christmas with. You again are reaching out to him to get him to open up but he reads your message and doesn't reply. Had you not reached out, do you think he would have contacted you at all?
He doesn't sound at all like the friend you think he is. I'm sorry for sounding harsh but I think he's horrible.[/quote]
^^

@Isitreallyme177 @Isitreallyme1277 just think to yourself very carefully and honestly what advice you'd be giving to any of us on this thread or to a friend. You know what you'd tell them. You'd tell them to walk away and leave well alone. Be good to yourself and give yourself that hard advice. No one else can do it for you. Make yourself the priority of every dating decision and yourself the centre of your life decisions in general. This man isn't going to help you develop your life in a valuable or meaningful way. He's lied to you and to his girlfriend. Poor woman. He's a selfish player.

@Shayelle2009 😁😁😁

@Isitreallyme1277

Checking in, I've been ill all week (not covid) and now have a really husky voice. My new years eve plans have been dropped and I'll probably have a quiet sober night in now. No point wasting good champagne if it all tastes like shit.

Nothing from Mr Cricket since last week but I did message him last night saying I think we need to talk and find out where our heads are at. He did the infuriating thing that he always does and read immediately but takes ages to reply. I think it actually would be good to talk and work out where we stand. Not for any other reason than I think our friendship is worth that and it might actually help.

Lots of men Love a husky female voice…, quick get dating …

@Isitreallyme1277 xxxxx

Placemarking quick dash through! Will catch up quickly then back to the grind.

Hope you love my new name!

All quiet here, more work and my ADHD playing up, but "leaning into it". Thinking of booking trips away though having to factor in the COVID shite maybe stay in the UK?

Looking forward to February London trip I'm hanging on in there even if I'm last woman standing

Agree with threadies on the holiday having its moments but feeling a bit "flat" at times but just sitting through the loneliness and not drunk texting men (might have spent too much on clothes though so a vice there!).

That's emotions for you - ebbs and flows.

On irons front - what one would expect really! No D.

Occasional boring but consistent messages from MrHedgehog, more from MrTescos which I haven't replied to (as I think he'll try to pin me down on a date) just standard "happy xmas" messages which I expect are going to every plausible women in a 5 mile radius.

Woken up on Xmas day by an early WhatsApp from my "one date wonder from fucking APRIL" MrPM

(German navy officer type, dinner and a kiss then lockdown and I was up for a second meet but it never happened, so I moved on as one should and stopped contacting him first)

So we exchanged the standard HERE IS A SCENIC VIEW OF THE SEA vs HERE IS A SCENIC VIEW OF LAND messages.

(Not being a high maintenance bitch so I didn't say so, but once you've seen one sunrise/sunset over the sea from one sailor you've seen them all ).

And he did the whole "we must meet up soon!" and I said "yes of course!" with lots of thumbs up and happy smiley faces and heart emoticons et al, like teenagers on Instagram.

So expect that's it till the next random scenic photo exchange

(Reminded me a bit of the whole "Thick of It" episode where they're debating how the PM "we SHOULD do something" and how in British terms it really doesn't mean anything anyway!)

Good luck everyone in the throng of date zeros right now and HNY to everyone!

@Isitreallyme1277 I was gentle with my wording as I've been there and know how hard it is once you're emotionally invested, and (sorry) I don't think you're in the place to listen to what everyone else is saying. However I agree with all the above on this too. It will end in pain for you, him, and his GF. The line has already been crossed, I doubt you'll keep the friendship as it was. And every time you cross the line you will hope this is when he realises it's you he wants.

The only way you deserve him is if you have a time machine where the first time a line was crossed, he stopped - said he needs to talk to his GF - dealt with anything that came up from that - then came back to you.

I don't have a time machine, and I don't think you do either. And MrT is everything MrBlue (as I will call him) was, plus added stuff on top, and actually bloody emotionally and physically available! I never thought that was possible but I would tell MrT if MrBlue ever tried to contact me and would let him write a choice message back to tell him to back the F off. Maybe not. I would let MrT know he'd tried to contact and read what I sent back as I've had to disclose (as I expect the partner involved would try to sabotage if she could).

Just makes me angry. I've unpicked why and how it happened for me and MrBlue was vulnerable too but he's still a complete spineless douche. He needs a lot of therapy before he can make choices that make him happy and stops hurting people around him.

Yaaay @ReturnBunk I've actually missed you!

@FabulousMrFifty haha thanks in fact it is just getting worse now 🤣.

@Shayelle2009 thanks hope you are doing well.❤😘Xxxxx

@Heartbeats0708

high-five! I'm writing the dullest report lot less fun than this thread.

New threadies - welcome and there's a planned thread meetup in London for some time on February 5th/6th, fingers crossed no lockdown!

Lots of loved up people at Xmas, it's nice to see!

I think I would like to get there (no prizes for guessing who with ) but feeling either "om peaceful" or "meh indifferent" about things?

Can't really do much dating-wise so doing nowt, have some social stuff for next month so will review the dating situation after that.

Re: I think someone was talking about low contacts on the apps?

It's the same for everyone I think, so many fizzlers out so really don't take it personally.

I don't have any childcare and live central and work flexible so am arguably in quite a good position to meet people, and still...so many contacts burn out or they just don't reply or flake or you don't get to the first meet.

When I first used Tinder I mentioned on this thread how most of my "wall of nice looking contacts" didn't reply or message and learned that was normal? So I just have to adjust my expectations.

Unfortunately I do think there is a negative apps culture (which I've been part of sadly) where people maybe have ten matches and really only prioritise a couple then drop the others?

Or are just there to see who likes them as an "ego boost" or to see who is out there or are still hung up on someone else.

The only thing I regret about the low match period is maybe "lowering my standards" a bit when I should just have continued filtering and "if I got no dates then so be it".

I personally found feeling a bit "rejected and like no-one loves me" makes me want to swipe harder to feel better but made me feel worse as I was then dealing with contacts I wasn't into or with minor red flags.

When really it is just luck of the draw.

I know I'm weird in terms of my relationship with MrT on the talking front (though seems to be working so far - think we're a bit unique in that respect or could all blow up in a few months!). But I remember a few of us talking about attachment theory and being Fearful Avoidant / Disorganised a while back.

The other day I asked MrT to do a personality test on it as he'd had me do a light hearted one previously, but stressed it wasn't the typical "love languages" one. Imagine absolute glee when he said "Oh, me and my mates did the love languages one not long ago and I'm X and Y" (match to mine). Yes, we're geeks.

Turns out he's a split between secure and anxious equally. I'd been trying to figure it out as he doesn't quite seem secure but also doesn't seem FA. Seems to be working really well as when I want to run away, he leans in slightly but allows me space too.

What really surprised me is that ideally he'd like his "extra curricular" activities to end up joint ones. This is something I'd spent a while coming to terms with as he's so busy with social life I thought I'd need to get used to him doing all that. He'd prefer for me to tag along where I want to (without pressure).

I know I'm just rambling. Just thought it might be interesting for those who do follow attachment theory. Lets me know where to be mindful (we might both want to do TOO much together and could be where the early meeting of DD came in).

This is why I can't date normally 😁

@InABetterPlaceNow

If it works for you and you're both into it, then why not?

Every different interaction has a version of how they like they play things early on so if the tests are working for you both to geek out on, then geek away.

I guess the point of dating is to get to the point you can be yourself - and whatever that means in terms of communication.

(I mean "ideally" we'd all let things pan out as they will, but look at us all on MN discussing the minutiae of everything!)

I also think after trauma/bad social interactions (I've been there myself) it can be pretty hard to think "someone just likes me and enjoys/desires my company straight up, no games, nothing else to see here"

so that can be a pleasant surprise but also harder to adjust to if it's not what we're used to?