Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

[quote ButterflyOfShay]@Eesha that’s so lovely… bet youre glowing 🥰🥰

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thank you for asking I’m smashing dry Jan and this is me now, I won’t EVER go back to drinking the way I did.. it’s hard to pull yourself out of the slippery well (its taken me literally years to get this far) but once you’re out you really have to build that wall up not to slide back in. I feel great today and excited about going outdoors at long last!! Woo hoo!! How are you?

Hiiii @BelladiMamma 🌸🌼🌺[/quote]
Wow 🤩 what an achievement with the dry January, to get here after years of wanting to do it.

What sort of rewards do you have planned for yourself? Something lovely and pa peeing I hope, a massage or pedi maybe? ❤️

[quote Eesha]**@ibelieveinmirrorballs* @BelladiMamma* its been great because the childcare gods were aligned and we had loads of time together. He has a stressful moment to deal with and I was worried I was in the way (plus my ex used to fly off the handle so I'm sure I have some sort of PTSD) but he seemed fine and happy I was there. Friday was interesting as he was a bit dumbstruck/panicked, feeling like he was falling too hard for me but now seems chilled again. I'm just trying to be chilled in case it goes pear shaped.[/quote]
Oh wow 🤩

That's so lovely that he was dumbstruck. These things are scary, no point in denying them.

Totally hear you re the ptsd. MrDublin spiel about something, I can't even remember what now, that would have been my ex's prelude to a blow up and I was so on edge. It was all nothing of course and just the old patterns re-emerging. Those patterns can do do one for you and me @Eesha! We know better now.

[quote Eesha]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I so empathise here. My ex would often throw things or pick an argument outside (and given his fitness, this wasn't likely to end well for the other person) or rage at me. I'm very easy going in this respect. Mr Music was fuming about something that could end up costing a few thousand pounds but he ended up heading out and getting ingredients and cooking us dinner so he could chill out. I was really surprised. He's pretty great and I hope it lasts.[/quote]
@Eesha and @ibelieveinmirrorballs oh god, I used to go through exactly the same. My poor DC are still suffering with it and I make it clear to them that to protect their MH they need to find a way to cut themselves off from the rollercoaster... and somehow keep contact.

[quote Eesha]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I so empathise here. My ex would often throw things or pick an argument outside (and given his fitness, this wasn't likely to end well for the other person) or rage at me. I'm very easy going in this respect. Mr Music was fuming about something that could end up costing a few thousand pounds but he ended up heading out and getting ingredients and cooking us dinner so he could chill out. I was really surprised. He's pretty great and I hope it lasts.[/quote]
@BelladiMamma - rollercoaster is exactly it. I used to describe my relationship with my exH as being strapped to a rollercoaster for years on end and feeling unable to get off. @Eesha my ex also used to throw things, be silently raging and rude to waiters, and would also punch holes in the wall... we had one in our hallway downstairs for years which served as a grim reminder every time I walked past it. So bloody glad to be out of that.

I dont really care what anyone l does, I would just like to protect this space as a safe space for analysing, chatting, freedom of thought etc, for women. (And men lol).

@BelladiMamma I’m forever treating myself 😬

Though we weren’t married my ex was like this too. Complete psycho and anger issues. Do they come from a bad breeders somewhere… they all have the awful temperament! Full of hate for the world!

Am I too later to join this thread? Recently separated and joined the world of old. Have just posted a separate thread about what I think is me being ghosted :(

It’s been lovely to read about all the dates and relationships going well, thank you for keeping the list updated it makes great reading

So glad I’m out off the rollercoaster of arguments, fight picking and aggression too, unfortunately with the ex it’s just kicked off again this past week with her emails and manipulatively sending messages via DD2

@ButterflyOfShay mentioned a few posts back being a believer in fate, yes, I couldn’t agree more, that's why I’ve decided to steer clear of the apps see what happens in RL, I'm catching up with friends who I haven’t seen in 2 years at the end of the month which I’m really looking forwarded to and of course the 1st weekend in February which I’m sure will be a giggle.

Going into 2022 open minded and a lot more laid back

[quote ButterflyOfShay]@BelladiMamma I’m forever treating myself 😬[/quote]
Good for you 🦋

@Fitzroygurl10087

Am I too later to join this thread? Recently separated and joined the world of old. Have just posted a separate thread about what I think is me being ghosted :(

Welcome!

Feel free to post your issue here as well. You'll find lots of good advice here from us, we are a friendly bunch & some of us don't venture onto the other threads 🧵

Another dry night last night 😂, like @ButterflyOfShay, it’s not even a struggle any more (so long as there is chocolate in the house of course). Slept for nine hours. I’ve begun to think about what I’ll do at the end of January, I too want to drink occasionally when out etc, just not the mindless ‘two drinks each night as a reward’ thing.

My trigger is when Mr Bloke ‘goes out with his mates’ ( it happened twice in the whole of last year). XH used to regularly roll in any time between 2 and 8am, with no comms whatsoever, so no sleep for me at all, then be foul for 24 hours. I was dreading Mr B’s first do so much. He said where he was going, how he would get there and get back, and he would be back by 11. He was back at 10.30, quietly and happily pie-eyed, passed out in my bed, snored a lot more than usual, was up at 7 as ever to make my tea. I didn’t enjoy sleeping next to him, too triggering, but it was fine. We agreed though that the second time he slept at his own place.

Thank you @BelladiMamma . It's a minefield this online dating isn't it!
I recently joined a subscription OLD site, thought may get blokes that were looking for relationships rather than just sex (although that would be great at some point!). Just before new year got chatting to to a really nice guy and then we moved onto WhatsApp where the chat was really frequent, few time a day and he always relied really quickly with lots of questions about me etc. Then he asked me for a date which we went to last Sunday. We had a lovely time, was a lunch date so quite sensible, no kiss but lots of banter and I thought attraction. Still more messages after and the suggestion from him of a second date. But since then the contact has dried up and I don't know why! Why ask for a second date and then even talk about locations etc but then not follow through! I though I'd take the initiative and yesterday I send him a text asking if he would still be happy to help me with a DIY job that he previously said he would like to do. Now I'm thinking that maybe that was rude or presumptuous of me? So do I forget him and accept that I've been ghosted or should I send one more message in case the last one came across wrong? Thanks all! X

He may have become busy or started getting closer to someone else - it’s very early days, one date, so he’s basically a stranger who owes you nothing. And I’m sorry but it could have come across as a bit entitled to push him on the DIY. I suggest you leave it now and pursue other options.

@Fitzroygurl10087, welcome. Prior to you sending your message yesterday how long had it been since you heard from him? On one hand the text you sent could be construed as a little cheeky if it didn’t include any other reference to potential next meet/date. Although it could also be taken as an indication that you would like to see him. I think I would see if you get a response by later or tomorrow. OR if you feel that the real purpose of the message was to elicit a response then I would be quite open, say hope he doesn’t think that is the only reason for you being in touch and if you still fancy meeting again you would like that. After that I think a no response would give you the answer to whether he’s no longer interested.

Thanks @Badbaddog , yes i think it a poor choice to mention the DIY. Guess I'll move on then!

And having read @Badbaddog’s response I would also agree that it is extremely early days, drop off rates are high after first dates, many are chatting to others and keeping their options open. All of this unfortunately goes with the territory of OLD.

Yes @Stepcount I guess I will have to toughen up and get used to it!

@Fitzroygurl10087

Yes *@Stepcount* I guess I will have to toughen up and get used to it!

I agree with the pp on this but don’t be disheartened - it’s all a learning process and I look back on the way I was when I started last year and realise I’ve changed so much in the way I approach things and it’s all been necessary.

@Fitzroygurl10087 something very very similar has just happened to me! Met up during the day, he contacted me afterwards said would love to do it again, daily chatting via text but no date pinned down, and now has just disappeared! What is with these men?! I was the last one to text (and he replied quickly and we had a conversation), so I feel I should just wait it out and see if he gets in touch. I guess it really is part of the online experience!

@Fitzroygurl10087

Welcome welcome

I agree with pps - please don't be disheartened. I don't even think of it as ghosting tbh, you're still virtual strangers?

You might have the same experience where you meet someone really cool, but "just not quite 100%" with them or something else comes up or another great date comes through or you're not emotionally in the right place.

So you'll let things fizzle out but it's not a reflection of how attractive they are.

I wouldn't say the DIY request was wrong, it could have been seen as an "in" by him too?

I worry sometimes about messages I've sent but then again I've learned that if someone is going to "misinterpret my tone" then then they're probably not that into me anyway! Better to find out sooner than later so I can move on.

I'd say two options - either let it go and get back on with dating or write a quick text saying something like "Hope you had a good weekend, all good but hectic here. Have a good week and do let me know if you're up for another lunch or a drink some time!"

..and then leave it! I agree with pps not to get caught up in "indirect chatting" now, as that will just confuse things!

In my experience unless things pick up quite quickly after the first date it really isn't going to go anywhere and isn't worth dragging things out over.

It's really hard for some people to find a way to say "thanks but no thanks" and the hard lesson I've had to learn is that just because someone says something, it doesn't mean anything at all - it just means that in that moment that's what they wanted to say. If you don't know them very well at all - and at this point you are basically strangers - then you cannot assume that you're dealing with a person who is capable of having hard conversations. There are a lot of fairly cowardly people on the apps, and the best way of thinking about it is that if they're the kind of person who can't say what they mean, or can't let someone down gently and would rather disappear, then they're not the kind of person you want any further involvement with because there's a good chance they'd carry on like that with someone even more invested.

I worked with someone last year who came home to find her partner of 5 years, who she cohabited with, had moved out while she was at work and then emailed her saying it was over. She never heard from him again other than to collect his stuff. That kind of devastation takes years to recover from - and the people who are prepared to do the big let downs are the ones who can't even say "thanks but no thanks".

Next!

I've taken the plunge and joined a couple of old sites, so far it's going ok, talking to a couple of people feels a gentle introduction only one negative person so far (parting comment was didn't realise you were a cripple, I'm sure he was a total charmer!)

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

That's absolutely mental with your colleague!

Agree it's so common for people to say "we must meet up/do X" and then it never happens, not just dating, so never should be taken literally. Until someone is sitting opposite me I don't believe anything.

I do think it does work both ways as well, I've found at times in dating I've maybe had to retreat for some private reason, the best etiquette/policy is just to not overinvest?

Especially at the first-second meet stage, there's a lot of "one-date wonders" out there!

Like with my iron from the spring/summer MrPM (that long ago now I can't remember ) we had a nice first meet (dinner), second meet strongly proposed from him, I responded positively, didn't happen .

So I just got on with my life, dated others, as sending a "closing" text seemed a bit intense/excessive.

I actually don't mind exchanging a few random WhatsApps with him now (he sent some messages on Xmas Day as he works on ships), it's a bit of an ego boost (I don't mean sexting just polite compliments) and I've not put my life on hold for him?

I'm in a new city/workplace and I've joked with other new starters about how we've all had great social meets with people we never see again! But it's just busyness it's not personal.

Good luck @Ofalltheginjoints [smile

Glad the chats are going Ok, would say there's a big proportion of people on sites who are rude/weird to EVERYONE regardless of who you are so "ignore/block/taking regular breaks" is your friend.