Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

@ReturnOfTheBunk

"What are you looking for?" .

Agree in my age range I've found it's often an unpleasant prelude to "wanting me to say I'm not looking for a relationship" which will quickly "spiral" to "100% open to a hookup with anyone" or start pushing for "instant sex tonight".

It is hard as well as tbh I think only "after the physical first meet" things become clear?

So I might be "neutral" about my motives, but if I met someone I wanted to go out of my way for or felt the overwhelming urge to get physical with, I would?

Whereas I don't want to be telling "Ray aged 31" I'm up for this, and then meet and it's like "sorry yes, but not you Ray". It's tough feeling "backed into a corner" (for men and women).

I also think the sensible guys have the same strategy - keep first meet low-commitment but keep the option to extend if you really hit it off!

I'm not back on the apps for a while, but as a strategy I think having a neutral/dull answer like "meet more people" or "go for coffee and see how it goes" and stick to the goal of getting a dull Date Zero is fine?

I've regretted chats where I've "let the other party take the lead in setting the tone".

I think i must be some kind of emotional cretin as I could never think that much about 1 question.

Oh well here is some synth pop before synth pop was a thing

Nice @FabulousMrFifty, kind of makes me all nostalgic for grungy pub gigs and nights!

Yeh I think with the screening there's no hard and fast rules for anyone - for me personally it's just been trying to learn a bit more as I go along so I don't get into "situations" . This thread has definitely helped!

I don't overly invest and feel "reasonably" Ok with my boundaries but still try to learn to make the dating experience more enjoyable for me!

I definitely think from my experience (not sure how it is from the guys) there's an over-representation of guys who just try to angle for hookups (with no pre-amble)

and even though it's not the end of the world, I'd rather screen them out sooner as otherwise I just end up emotionally burnt out!

I think when I was younger I was more tolerant/resilient/happy to face it with a sense of humour/"give them a CHANCE Bunk" but now I'd rather "block and head the chat off" sooner if it's heading to hookup-land?

Even in my last round or two of dating I've got better at just "block if it's clear they're heading the wrong way" and I feel better for it overall.

(I do actually try NOT to analyse this much when I'm communicating with irons btw! This thread is my "over-analysis Etch A Sketch board")

Current status: House full of my daughter's friends for her 19th birthday......don't think I'll be getting some sleep any time soon 😴

I definitely think from my experience (not sure how it is from the guys) there's an over-representation of guys who just try to angle for hookups (with no pre-amble)

I’m not really sure how to answer that, as I’m 50 not 30, but I certainly don’t have groups of women chucking their knickers at me, Tom Jones style.

In fact I cannot recall a single time a woman looked at me twice, gave me a wolf whistle, or sent me a clit-pic, strange that eh ?

Further, I can’t remember the last time a woman said to me, “give me some of that sweet old man loving”, the answer would be “yes of course, but mind my dodgy hips please

As for, Boundaries well those are things they score in cricket
It’s odd being a man sometimes, as you just wonder through life and people ignore you ho hum.

Just for fun, here is some reacting to some New Order, kids today eh?, don’t know their born etc etc

Oh bollocks, this is one I wanted, the poor girl (can I say that), is thunderstruck

@Stepcount

Thank you for your comments, those who posted about me and Mr V. I am not long back from seeing him. I had to get back to pick DD2 up from her Drama group otherwise I would have stayed with him longer. I’m going to re read what has been said and reflect on it. I’m feeling a bit wrung out in general, still having occasional periods so technically peri menopausal, DDs birthdays, Christmas and DD1’s bf ( plus kitten) was here for most of the last 2 weeks. All that organisation and mental load fell on me. So Mr V and I are overdue some chilled quality time together. We talked this afternoon and he was very genuine and said some lovely reassuring stuff about us and acknowledged that the lack of intimacy wasn’t good but it is something he wants. He has suggested getting away together or finding something special to do together asap. I said that this wasn’t only about sex for me but rather making time to be intimate and he said that he wants us to do that. So positive reassurance now waiting to see if this happens! Thank you again. Bit frazzled so will post again if I remember anything else

I'm really glad you had a good chat with Mr V. Being able to communicate well about these most difficult of subjects is a very good sign in itself. Life over the long term in relationships is never easy not least with juggling separate commitments, Covid, and Christmas in the mix. The fact he is open to making changes and has the same goals is very positive.

Is there a way to engage with him ref the flirtiness? I do think it's important, it's a way of being playful with each other... but often we have different styles of doing it and one person's preference is not what the other feels comfortable with. It's a very different situation in my case as it's a very 'early days' relationship, but I've realised that we do have common ground in terms of flirty chat, we just hadn't quite landed on something that worked for him (who doesn't tend to be that verbally forthcoming with emotion).

Hope you got a good sleep after a frazzly afternoon!

There’s 2 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back watching that video 😒🙈
Of course you’re not going to be thinking much about that question @FabulousMrFifty, OLD is a complete different world for men, women have to look out for themselves in a way men have never had to both off and online, so no offence but none of it probably ever crosses your mind. If you’re going to be posting on a predominantly female chat forum then more than likely the thinking is going to be different to yours.

@ReturnOfTheBunk

Nice *@FabulousMrFifty*, kind of makes me all nostalgic for grungy pub gigs and nights!

Yeh I think with the screening there's no hard and fast rules for anyone - for me personally it's just been trying to learn a bit more as I go along so I don't get into "situations" . This thread has definitely helped!

I don't overly invest and feel "reasonably" Ok with my boundaries but still try to learn to make the dating experience more enjoyable for me!

I definitely think from my experience (not sure how it is from the guys) there's an over-representation of guys who just try to angle for hookups (with no pre-amble)

and even though it's not the end of the world, I'd rather screen them out sooner as otherwise I just end up emotionally burnt out!

I think when I was younger I was more tolerant/resilient/happy to face it with a sense of humour/"give them a CHANCE Bunk" but now I'd rather "block and head the chat off" sooner if it's heading to hookup-land?

Even in my last round or two of dating I've got better at just "block if it's clear they're heading the wrong way" and I feel better for it overall.

It's definitely helpful to get the overthinking out on here... I also fall into the camp of being able to think that much about one question

Screening out sooner rather than later is definitely my mode of operation - although I don't think it through much more than 'er, this chat isn't really doing anything for me, let's throw this potato back'.

Keep the analysis sketching coming @ReturnOfTheBunk I for one love reading your thoughts and I always learn from them!

[quote Eesha]@Stepcount It's hard to weigh up the good versus the bad I feel, is he generally a good guy or do you feel like you could do better than this? It does feel like you have posted similar things before and its hurt you but you tolerate stuff because generally thinga are ok. I hope you find your way through this. There's no easy way but I would say raise your concerns more seriously with him so he can't fob things off. Maybe he needs to see you are serious.

Having a great time with Mr Music, got here last night at 7, only just got up now and he's making lunch. Very much smitten.[/quote]
Fab to hear - how long do you have together? Enjoy every moment!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I got here Friday evening and I'm leaving today about 5ish. Its been lovely though I always worry I've overstayed my welcome!

[quote Eesha]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I got here Friday evening and I'm leaving today about 5ish. Its been lovely though I always worry I've overstayed my welcome![/quote]
I bet you haven't ❤️

Hope the Dry Janners are doing well and enjoying Sunday morning with a clear head and that everyone's having a lovely weekend whether dating or not.

I had a lovely day yesterday seeing family we hadn't been able to see since Covid, and am shortly about to put my wetsuit on and go for a sea swim (mustn't chicken out... mustn't chicken out... etc). It's a glorious morning here after just the worst day of interminable greyness and wetness yesterday. Have been having lovely comms with MrMixtape, starting to edge into that more comfortable feeling of knowing that we do just really like each other and get on naturally very well.

@ButterflyOfShay
Thanks, will keep my thoughts to myself

[quote Eesha]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I got here Friday evening and I'm leaving today about 5ish. Its been lovely though I always worry I've overstayed my welcome![/quote]
I bet you haven't either!

I'm the type that always worries about that when I'm in a bloke's house. When I stayed over at MrMixtape's last week I left straight after he'd cooked us breakfast, although that was as much to do with the fact it was unplanned and I therefore had nothing with me and was feeling mildly horrified by that! But partly it was also that 'I want to leave before I start to sense he wishes I did leave' insecurity.

Lovely to have spent the weekend being yourself though I bet... away from small people and the demands of work.

@Eesha that’s so lovely… bet youre glowing 🥰🥰

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thank you for asking I’m smashing dry Jan and this is me now, I won’t EVER go back to drinking the way I did.. it’s hard to pull yourself out of the slippery well (its taken me literally years to get this far) but once you’re out you really have to build that wall up not to slide back in. I feel great today and excited about going outdoors at long last!! Woo hoo!! How are you?

Hiiii @BelladiMamma 🌸🌼🌺

Sorry @ibelieveinmirrorballs cross post!! All sounds swell! Wish I could do the sea swimming with you!!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs @BelladiMamma its been great because the childcare gods were aligned and we had loads of time together. He has a stressful moment to deal with and I was worried I was in the way (plus my ex used to fly off the handle so I'm sure I have some sort of PTSD) but he seemed fine and happy I was there. Friday was interesting as he was a bit dumbstruck/panicked, feeling like he was falling too hard for me but now seems chilled again. I'm just trying to be chilled in case it goes pear shaped.

[quote ButterflyOfShay]@Eesha that’s so lovely… bet youre glowing 🥰🥰

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thank you for asking I’m smashing dry Jan and this is me now, I won’t EVER go back to drinking the way I did.. it’s hard to pull yourself out of the slippery well (its taken me literally years to get this far) but once you’re out you really have to build that wall up not to slide back in. I feel great today and excited about going outdoors at long last!! Woo hoo!! How are you?

Hiiii @BelladiMamma 🌸🌼🌺[/quote]
That's great to hear

What's your ultimate goal with the drinking? To settle into drinking occasionally?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs just to drink when I'm out with people.. rather than necking voddy and wine when Im home alone it’s just a bad habit more than anything.

That’s so cute @Eesha 💕💕

[quote Eesha]**@ibelieveinmirrorballs* @BelladiMamma* its been great because the childcare gods were aligned and we had loads of time together. He has a stressful moment to deal with and I was worried I was in the way (plus my ex used to fly off the handle so I'm sure I have some sort of PTSD) but he seemed fine and happy I was there. Friday was interesting as he was a bit dumbstruck/panicked, feeling like he was falling too hard for me but now seems chilled again. I'm just trying to be chilled in case it goes pear shaped.[/quote]
My ex also used to fly off the handle and I find it very interesting to observe being with someone who just doesn't and is generally very positive and amiable, even in the face of stressful situations.

It sounds stupid but on one of our first dates, I had booked a restaurant and when we turned up (at 8pm on a Friday night) it was closed. I immediately flinched at the realisation because this would have caused my exH to go into a silent fury, either at the restaurant, or at me, or at the world in general, but of course no, this time I was with a relatively normal human being who can handle things going wrong. MrMixtape then charmed his way into us being offered a table at a place nearby that seemed full but they squeezed us in after feeling sorry for us . It's not that there should be anything that unusual about being able to cope with such things but I'm definitely still triggered by the sort of minor incidents that would set my ex off. It could be absolutely anything - even him trying to do a tiny bit of DIY, if it didn't go the way he wanted it to, could ruin his and therefore our entire weekend.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I so empathise here. My ex would often throw things or pick an argument outside (and given his fitness, this wasn't likely to end well for the other person) or rage at me. I'm very easy going in this respect. Mr Music was fuming about something that could end up costing a few thousand pounds but he ended up heading out and getting ingredients and cooking us dinner so he could chill out. I was really surprised. He's pretty great and I hope it lasts.

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@ButterflyOfShay
Thanks, will keep my thoughts to myself[/quote]
I don't think that's what butterfly meant at all. You have a chance to learn about the female experience on here, we are all very open with what we go through. Embrace it and don't be so curmudgeonly when someone suggests that it's beneficial to get the other perspective!!