Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

@PurpleStripyScarf I liked bumble and hinge as it says about the kids on there. Kids was my first question really as if a guy wanted kids I wouldn’t waste any time chatting to them, harsh as that sounds I knew it would never go anywhere. My ideal would be a guy who has kids and doesn’t want anymore. I like kids just never wanted any of my own! I wouldn’t mind being a stepma though! And having loads of pets 🥰🥰

Took the plunge last night and signed back up to Match.

Don't know why but feel quite nervous about it this time round.

Wish this old Lady Luck!

Fortunately I have quite a busy weekend as I don't want to get into the habit of spending hours on there!

[quote ButterflyOfShay]@PurpleStripyScarf I liked bumble and hinge as it says about the kids on there. Kids was my first question really as if a guy wanted kids I wouldn’t waste any time chatting to them, harsh as that sounds I knew it would never go anywhere. My ideal would be a guy who has kids and doesn’t want anymore. I like kids just never wanted any of my own! I wouldn’t mind being a stepma though! And having loads of pets 🥰🥰[/quote]
Yes likewise re using Bumble and Hinge - although some people don't populate the line re whether they want children / are open to children / don't want children, which I find a bit curious. I might also check out OK Cupid some time as people say that's really good for getting a sense of people in more detail and your potential compatibility with them generally.

Interesting to read people's thoughts on asking "what are you looking for" prior to meeting. I would usually ask this once the conversation had been established, but thinking about it now, while I might have a preference on what I'm looking for, I'm actually open to see how things develop.

The only real thing for me is if someone wants kids. As @PurpleStripyScarf said, I wouldn't want to waste someones time if that's what they wanted as I definitely don't want more kids.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend and keeping the January blues at bay ! I am struggling with that a bit at the moment although it all really focuses on Mr V and it's quite irrational.
He's had a bad cold all week and had to be off work. I took him some shopping a few days ago and he was very appreciative. Not seen him since but going over this afternoon. Several times on the phone I have felt really choked up over things like me saying I was missing him and him saying something like 'oh we'll see each other soon enough'. I know that this has deeper roots than just this week. He's not demonstrative enough for me and never flirty. I really want things to work with him but I don't know if he'll ever be any different. And when I raise these things about how we don't get to do enough quality things together he points out that most , if not all of our relationship has happened with covid restrictions in the mix. I have talked through with him so may times my feelings over the lack of sex, lack of fun, lack of flirting and he acknowledges it all. He is genuinely a lovely guy, funny, easy going, no issues with my DDs etc so I have lots to be thankful for but something is missing. Most probably the sexual intimacy. I'm trying to be patient, accept his assurances that things will change but I worry I will not be able to hold on and eventually one of us will grow tired of the same conversations. I don't want this to fail. I would be deeply, deeply upset if it did. Today is probably not the right time for yet another conversation. I want him for once to be the one who says let's organise something lovely to look forward to.

@Stepcount I really don't think that you're being irrational. A lack of intimacy and emotional connection is very hard in a relationship. Doesn't matter if that's by the different communication styles you have, or your different needs / challenges, it's still a biggie. I mean otherwise you're good friends or family, aren't you?

Also, his absence because of feeling ill can't help. There's no way of seeing each other and keeping close that way. (I'm assuming).

How else do you keep things going when you're apart? And together, do you make time for other sorts of physical intimacy?

In any case I hope you can see each other soon and sort things out

@Stepcount Sorry to read about your concerns with Mr V, I recall you posting similar before and I think then you hadn't met up a lot for various reasons and when you had you hadn't had sex, again various reasons.
I think due to him being emotionally inhibited you get your connection through sex/intimacy and as this is lacking its making other things feel not right.

I know he was waiting for an appointment before he tried medication, is he any closer to this appointment?

Up until last night I hadn't seen Mr K for 11 days as I had Covid and then other things on, I was at the stage of not caring if I ever saw him again but after seeing him I'm back in and feeling that I like him again 🤦‍♀️
The brain is fickle at times

I'm meeting Mr K's dad, brothers, dads wife and her family tonight😱
We're all off out for a meal....

Its only been 2 and abit years🙄

@Stepcount it sounds like you are in a difficult position. Sexual intimacy is off the table for now and it sounds like you have different requirements for emotional intimacy too. In your shoes I would be wondering what the relationship was bringing me at all - but that is maybe just me: I don’t want a life partner, I want sex, emotional intimacy, someone who is there just for me, not for any other reason. Perhaps you need to revisit exactly what it is you want right now?

stepcount I completely understand your need for him to be demonstrative. We all want to feel desired and desirable and both actions and words are required to provide that. Sexual and physical intimacy are what differentiate romantic partners from friends, really, so if you haven't got that, what is your relationship?

So many good things about him though, I really hope you find a way that works and cements your relationship.

@Stepcount It's hard to weigh up the good versus the bad I feel, is he generally a good guy or do you feel like you could do better than this? It does feel like you have posted similar things before and its hurt you but you tolerate stuff because generally thinga are ok. I hope you find your way through this. There's no easy way but I would say raise your concerns more seriously with him so he can't fob things off. Maybe he needs to see you are serious.

Having a great time with Mr Music, got here last night at 7, only just got up now and he's making lunch. Very much smitten.

After less than a week back on the apps I'm coming off them again. From next week I will be doing the work of 2 people while trying to get my walks and workouts in. Plus job hunting and interviewing. I don't think with all that going on I will have the time to swip let alone the head space for chats and date 0's.
I will still be lurking here and coming to the meet up in Feb

@Dancerinthemoonlight I'm similar -

Not been on the apps but in terms of scheduling I think I'll let the next month or so go by, let the MrHedgehog situation go a bit/let that pan out (cry it out a bit maybe), let spring start, save a bit up after spending too much, get fit fit, and then make some time to meet new people?

I am looking forward to the February meet then I want a "me hiking holiday" in March, and I've been invited to a couple of work abroad things so excited but imposter syndrome is high! (though who knows with Omicron). Timing is going to be tight even then but I'll try to "screen ruthlessly" on meets and date zeros.

Good luck with the meet @SortingItOut ! Glad all going well @Eesha

@Stepcount I agree you've posted a few times on something similar - there's clearly good things there, but I guess it's "seeing how this relationship makes you feel"?

It is tough as I've found the "ones we like" often seem a bit distant for whatever reason (and as we like them we take it more as a blow to the ego?).

I don't think from personal experience MrV will change in terms of instigating organising - is this something you can "make peace" with?

I phoned up a long term friend today who NEVER ORGANISES ANYTHING and if I described his texting/contact patterns I'd get a chorus of "he doesn't like you it's you doing the chasing". If I listed the ways in which he has assisted me in life, it would like .

Obviously mine is foetus/baby dating stage but I feel that's how things have been with MrHedgehog - great in person, in between it's not been easy for me (I admit Omicron and both our work patterns haven't helped).

So I'm taking a step back emotionally there. If we drift apart for now I'll focus on me, enjoy the spring, maybe do another few dates, then reach out later in the year?

I forgot - what was the deal with exclusivity with MrV? Can you friend him and get some other interest in? (and I KNOW that's easier said than done).

I'll start a WhatsApp group next week for the threadie meet so we're not putting details on here (if anyone doesn't want to be in the group we can PM them the details)

Emotionally I've had a big move/work change/lots of new faces and challenges so I think that's all "playing into" a sense of emotional overwhelmedness right now and although I'm doing Ok, I need to re-configure a bit.

I've only got my schedule sorted so I know what I'm doing in terms of structuring placements and "matters of the heart" are a bit much as well!

@ReturnOfTheBunk 1 of my colleagues left before Christmas as she used up her rolled over annual leave for her notice period and another leaves on Friday. Leaving the remaining members of the team to pick up the extra workload while the companies tries to recruit 2 people. While we all have our existing workloads and most of us are job hunting. Of course my line manager is picking up an of the extra work (no idea what he actually does all day)
I hoping it will only be temporary while they wither recruit or I can hand in my notice.

Looking forward to the thread meet up (is it time for a WhatsApp group yet as it's 4 weeks away?)

@returnofthebunk should have read your second post before asking if it was time for a WhatsApp group

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I can start a group next week (or if you or anyone else wants to go for it I can join in and catch up later)? x

Hope the work situation clears up, sounds a nightmare!

For you or anyone else planning a holiday from all the creeps. degenerates, flakes, twats, I hear we're having a "predicted warm spring" so have gambled on some UK days away in March (I may be posting here as I'm rained in though )

@Stepcount I hope you’re ok as it sounds a bit empty with MrV. It can’t make you feel very wanted or sexy or alive.

Good luck with the big family meet @SortingItOut it sounds like fun!

I’m definitely up for the meet but I’ll steer clear of whatsapp group hope that’s ok 🙂

@ButterflyOfShay

No problem assume not everyone wants to join, we can update everyone by PM.

@Stepcount
I found reading your update a bit difficult, I don’t want to seem mean, but I’m going to put on my “man hat”.
It sounds kinda like you want he to be something his is not, or is not comfortable being, more fun, more flirty, more sexy, more of what you want him to be, not what he is.
Maybe it’s time to call it a day ?

Thank you for your comments, those who posted about me and Mr V. I am not long back from seeing him. I had to get back to pick DD2 up from her Drama group otherwise I would have stayed with him longer. I’m going to re read what has been said and reflect on it. I’m feeling a bit wrung out in general, still having occasional periods so technically peri menopausal, DDs birthdays, Christmas and DD1’s bf ( plus kitten) was here for most of the last 2 weeks. All that organisation and mental load fell on me. So Mr V and I are overdue some chilled quality time together. We talked this afternoon and he was very genuine and said some lovely reassuring stuff about us and acknowledged that the lack of intimacy wasn’t good but it is something he wants. He has suggested getting away together or finding something special to do together asap. I said that this wasn’t only about sex for me but rather making time to be intimate and he said that he wants us to do that. So positive reassurance now waiting to see if this happens! Thank you again. Bit frazzled so will post again if I remember anything else

Good luck @Stepcount it’s good he’s listening and wants the same things too 💓💓

"What are you looking for?" .

Agree in my age range I've found it's often an unpleasant prelude to "wanting me to say I'm not looking for a relationship" which will quickly "spiral" to "100% open to a hookup with anyone" or start pushing for "instant sex tonight".

It is hard as well as tbh I think only "after the physical first meet" things become clear?

So I might be "neutral" about my motives, but if I met someone I wanted to go out of my way for or felt the overwhelming urge to get physical with, I would?

Whereas I don't want to be telling "Ray aged 31" I'm up for this, and then meet and it's like "sorry yes, but not you Ray". It's tough feeling "backed into a corner" (for men and women).

I also think the sensible guys have the same strategy - keep first meet low-commitment but keep the option to extend if you really hit it off!

I'm not back on the apps for a while, but as a strategy I think having a neutral/dull answer like "meet more people" or "go for coffee and see how it goes" and stick to the goal of getting a dull Date Zero is fine?

I've regretted chats where I've "let the other party take the lead in setting the tone".

I don't want to be telling "Ray aged 31" I'm up for this, and then meet and it's like "sorry yes, but not you Ray".

🤣🤣🤣