Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

@Knutface

Glad that some people on this thread are having some luck OLD. My one chat that I had going seems to have died out and I am having trouble getting anything else started. I don’t think it helps that I haven’t got any photos on my profile but I don’t want to do that until my divorce is finalised, it’s going ok so don’t want to sacrifice that! I have sent a generic message to a few men this morning so will see if I get any replies later…..

Hi @Knutface. Like others here, I wouldn't swipe on / chat with anyone with no photos - I'd assume something dodgy / something to hide. I think lots of people start OLD before their divorces are finalised (given that the process can sometimes take quite a while). Out of curiosity, why would being seen to be OLD jeopardise your divorce? What specifically are you worried about / what do you think might happen?

@Eesha the difference is that I'm more up for a longer term side relationship eg of the sort I have with MrPoet where maybe we have work or something in common and we might meet occasionally for dinner and chats and occasional sex. MrDublin would want occasional one night stands. I asked him what he wanted from me and his answer was 'life partner'. Then I got in a tizz because I was very comfortable with negotiating enm in a lover style relationship not a life partnership. So the discussion has stalled slightly and I've said maybe we need to keep talking at different times, eg on the phone or out for a walk rather than pillow talk. I explained to him that for me being a life partner is being all in and I would drop side relationships as I would want to devote my time and energy to him. His response was that I'm clearly very happy the way I am so he wouldn't want to take that away from me. For him, he doesn't want to feel ashamed of desiring someone else (neither do I) but feeling secure in his main relationship. I know that for a lot of people this would seem very much a no no from both perspectives but I have to respect the fact that both he and I are happier if we feel that freedom. Even if we don't act on it. And the idea of being tied to one person can frequently terrify me. Whereas he isn't scared of long term commitment. Humans, eh 🤷🏻‍♀️ so confusing!!

@VanGoghsDog thanks, I'll look those up.

@Knutface, obviously you are limiting the number of matches you might have by not using a photo. My DP Mr V didn’t have a photo with his profile, this turned out to be that he was worried someone he knew would see him OLD and judge him. What he did do however was to attach a photo to his first message to me. I guess you could do something similar but that would have to be on a site where you can chat/connect without it initially being a mutual match. I wouldn’t swipe on someone without a photo but I would read a message and depending on their explanation I would not necessarily write them off.

@BelladiMamma that's interesting so he would want a life partner but be OK to see others whereas you want to be able to see others but not as part of a long term relationship. I feel I'm on your side there.

ENM is not something I'd ever consider in a long term relationship personally. I think I'm just too into the idea of one on one. That said, I have seen this increasingly on men's profiles. I think my heart would sink if someone said it to me.

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma that's interesting so he would want a life partner but be OK to see others whereas you want to be able to see others but not as part of a long term relationship. I feel I'm on your side there.

ENM is not something I'd ever consider in a long term relationship personally. I think I'm just too into the idea of one on one. That said, I have seen this increasingly on men's profiles. I think my heart would sink if someone said it to me.[/quote]
So I'm on the fence. I've always believed in ENM in long term relationships as honestly how the hell is one person supposed to fulfill all of your sexual needs? But for some reason the idea of one night stands (he's saying anything up to 4/5 in any given year) is more threatening to me than the idea of him doing the same as me, eg having a side partner where everybody knows the deal. He says he's more threatened by that.

Anyway, I've literally looked up some practical guides to polyamory and I'm going to order them and we will go through them.

@BelladiMamma

I guess your situation is you'll have this rapport with other person who will end up knowing you really well whereas for him, those 4/5 might not mean anything. Maybe you fear one will take his fancy whereas he fears the same for you. Its complicated really. I feel with people I cared less about, I wouldn't have been too bothered but with OLD I've gone into it looking for someone longer term which would definitely rule out ENM. I did chat to one bloke who had 5 on the go (he had recently got hot hence he wanted to keep his options open) but I just didn't want that set up.

Before being on this thread I just did what I wanted regarding who I saw and didn’t really have many boundaries or asked many questions. I can see with hindsight I was going through a hugely difficult time in my life, DH passed away followed a couple of years later by both parents within 12 months. I was using sex and OLD in general to anaesthetise my emotions and in a perverse way to boost my battered self. Having been on the thread for almost 2 years I have learned so much about boundaries and expectations. I have with the help of gentle nudges got myself to the point where there is firmly only one man in my life and until such time as that is no longer working for me I wouldn’t want to add anyone else back into the mix.
This is said with no judgement but sometimes I have read accounts on here of multiple frenetic dates and it sounds emotionally exhausting. I guess we all go through different phases and want different things, that is the joy of everyone on here being so open in sharing their stories with all the highs and lows.

@Eesha 5 on the go?! That's a lot even for me. Plus, I think it's all about what the couple want. MrD is single and has had fewer OLD or any encounters than me (not hard!) since his breakup

@Onesmallstep67 I went through that phase too. I'm in a different one now. But because I'm in the thick of it I don't actually know what that phase is other than wanting to be extremely choosy about who I allow into my emotional life - as opposed to my sex life.

@BelladiMamma yep, one longer term and 3 others more casual. I would have been number 5. However I could see that number one had a better deal. When I said it wasn't my thing, he said I had queen bee syndrome with wanting to be number one. Erm yes.

Blimey this thread moves along.
Someone asked the blokes who don’t smoke/ drink, I’m one, no smoking, light drinking, I could do dry Jan no bother

ENM hmmm, if I wanted a life partner, that would be monogamous.

Been out cycling this morning (8k), had to stop for a breather and got into a chat lovely jogger, maybe she had a thing for unfit middle age blokes, or maybe she just wanted to know if needed an ambulance 🚑

Meet these 2 as well

@BelladiMamma for me the carte Blanche for him to have ONS would make me uneasy because part of me would always be wondering whether has has ‘got lucky’ whenever he was not with me, so I wouldn’t want to initiate contact ever as I might be interrupting then I would feel so shit. In fact I would feel shit whenever he didn’t respond immediately. The uncertainty would kill me. Whereas for him, he would know exactly when you were seeing your side-piece, and when not to contact you, so he would have certainty and therefore peace of mind.

I’m with you I think in liking/wanting not to be tied to one person forever, either sexually or emotionally, but when I’ve played out scenarios like yours in my head I always come up against this issue.

[quote Badbaddog]@BelladiMamma for me the carte Blanche for him to have ONS would make me uneasy because part of me would always be wondering whether has has ‘got lucky’ whenever he was not with me, so I wouldn’t want to initiate contact ever as I might be interrupting then I would feel so shit. In fact I would feel shit whenever he didn’t respond immediately. The uncertainty would kill me. Whereas for him, he would know exactly when you were seeing your side-piece, and when not to contact you, so he would have certainty and therefore peace of mind.

I’m with you I think in liking/wanting not to be tied to one person forever, either sexually or emotionally, but when I’ve played out scenarios like yours in my head I always come up against this issue.[/quote]
Yes I totally hear you. His thing is he would like to be free to see people on any nights I might be with my side guy. And that it would always be agreed in advance. Anyway, my head is exploding already because it's such a huge conversation even though I was prepared for it!

This thread is a total eyeopener, I never even heard of ENM. It wouldn't be for me at all, no judgement whatsoever, but long term, monogamy is more my cup of tea.
@BelladiMamma Sounds like a very open and honest communication between you too. Good luck in sorting through it all and hopefully coming to a solution that you are both happy with.

[quote BelladiMamma]@Eesha the difference is that I'm more up for a longer term side relationship eg of the sort I have with MrPoet where maybe we have work or something in common and we might meet occasionally for dinner and chats and occasional sex. MrDublin would want occasional one night stands. I asked him what he wanted from me and his answer was 'life partner'. Then I got in a tizz because I was very comfortable with negotiating enm in a lover style relationship not a life partnership. So the discussion has stalled slightly and I've said maybe we need to keep talking at different times, eg on the phone or out for a walk rather than pillow talk. I explained to him that for me being a life partner is being all in and I would drop side relationships as I would want to devote my time and energy to him. His response was that I'm clearly very happy the way I am so he wouldn't want to take that away from me. For him, he doesn't want to feel ashamed of desiring someone else (neither do I) but feeling secure in his main relationship. I know that for a lot of people this would seem very much a no no from both perspectives but I have to respect the fact that both he and I are happier if we feel that freedom. Even if we don't act on it. And the idea of being tied to one person can frequently terrify me. Whereas he isn't scared of long term commitment. Humans, eh 🤷🏻‍♀️ so confusing!!

@VanGoghsDog thanks, I'll look those up. [/quote]
I’m no fan of ENM, but if I had to pick I would be in the Mr Dublin camp, I wouldn’t want a “life partner” to keep 3 or 4 side attachments that get regular emotional contact, I think that’s the “special bit”, that should be reserved for one person only

@BelladiMamma it's good that you're able to speak so openly to one another about things straight away, shows how close you must feel already. ENM seems very appealing in lots of ways but I think it must only suit certain personalities. Intrigued to know how the two of you will end up resolving your different hopes for your relationship.

@Naimee87 the description of DS 'lesson'shows how useless that teacher is!

@Onesmallstep67 I hope to get to where you are one day. Sounds like you're content and have managed to navigate dating successfully, even though it was clearly not easy for you to begin with.

@FabulousMrFifty well, you've met at least 2 cute birds today 😉

I'm getting on with some work today ready for term starting tomorrow. Bit of routine back calms even though life will be very busy again.
Date with MrTall wasn't great. He was very nervous but countered that by telling me repeatedly what an amazing guy he was. I felt quite bad for him actually, could see he's probably a decent guy but damaged and a huge oversharer. Ended up on the phone to MrTattoo when I got back and it just reminded me of what I actually want. Someone I can talk to about anything and laugh with, no bullshit.
MrTeacher suddenly much more chatty after the photo I sent... I do know he's not right for me and I think that if he's still messaging me daily by the end of the week, I'll just tell him what's what. If he does fade, I'll probably just let it happen so neither of us have to have the awkward chat!

I forget though @BelladiMamma, how long have you known Mr D? Is it not rather early days to be talking about life partnership, if you’ve not known each other that long? Isn’t that what love-bombers do?

(Forgive me if I’m being a bit forward here, I know I’m new to the thread and at risk of being drummed out of town, but it seems an important point to me…)

Interesting chat ref @BelladiMamma and the ENM issue. I had these conversations early doors with Mr Mixtape. Having read around the subject and had a really good think about what I think I'm looking for, although I think in time I'd be up for adventures including perhaps other people in a 'monogamish' set up, I don't think it's something you can easily do right off the bat with someone as you haven't developed the level of residual trust required to quell any insecurities. And according to those who successfully practice ENM, it does require superlative levels of communication and is not without its issues, even with two people totally on board with it. Do you think it's something the two of you could agree to park for the time being, and revisit once the relationship is more established? As @Badbaddog says, it's very early days for you both.

Quelling my own anxiety here this afternoon although on the countdown until my session with my therapist in 45 mins. Despite fantastically lovely comms with MrM on NYE (including an uncharacteristically emosh message from him saying that I'd made 2021 a very good year for him, not bad considering we only met in October ) and a really lovely chat on NYD with us recounting how fabulous our date was... I am yet again on the spiral of anxiety where after say 36h of no contact from him, it's as though I forget all of that, all the nice stuff, the fact that there is not a single indication that his feelings have changed, but the intrusive thoughts start, the doubt and the anxiety... I absolutely bloody hate it. I should be able to be smiling to myself thinking how lovely to have met someone nice, but instead I see-saw between feeling good and then feeling like this. And have to ask myself - what is the solution? I am not sure how to resolve it.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs i can relate although my 🧲 situation isn't exactly the same, i really see-saw with how i feel when we aren't in contact daily(which i know is seen as fairly extreme and unhealthy) He reassures me every time i have a wobble but given we are long-distance and see each other infrequently i do need to know he's there even when we are apart. It's really hard to just 'be ok' and relaxed with it so i know exactly the emotions your trying to navigate. Magnet-man was the first to txt on Christmas day and NYE...but i get annoyed at myself because i feel like my 'neediness' will push him away or when i do hear from
him i want to hear mooorrrreeee! I think i am too emotionally attached to messages which i need to not be. So no advice just a msg to say you aren't alone in how you feel at all...

My date strike rate is so poor that ENM would be utterly irrelevant to me! The chances of finding one person I want to be with and who wants to be with me is so remote that two is just never going to happen 🤣

And if I really liked someone I couldn't bear the thought of them being with someone else. What a fabulous thing it must be though, if you can make it work.

Those as old as me may remember a cheesy song about just this situation: 🎵 Torn between two loveeeers / feeling like a fool / loving both of you is breaking all the rules 🎵 etc... At one point she goes 🎵 there's just this empty part of me / that only he can fill 🎵 😅

[quote Naimee87]@ibelieveinmirrorballs i can relate although my 🧲 situation isn't exactly the same, i really see-saw with how i feel when we aren't in contact daily(which i know is seen as fairly extreme and unhealthy) He reassures me every time i have a wobble but given we are long-distance and see each other infrequently i do need to know he's there even when we are apart. It's really hard to just 'be ok' and relaxed with it so i know exactly the emotions your trying to navigate. Magnet-man was the first to txt on Christmas day and NYE...but i get annoyed at myself because i feel like my 'neediness' will push him away or when i do hear from
him i want to hear mooorrrreeee! I think i am too emotionally attached to messages which i need to not be. So no advice just a msg to say you aren't alone in how you feel at all... [/quote]
Thanks @Naimee87. I'm now post therapy session and feeling a lot better - much discussion had about how the anxiety is latching onto 'this is all about MrM and only contact from him will make it go away' when actually it's about lots of different things. She assured me that the relationship sounds as though it's forming slowly but in a very healthy way and it's important I don't take this anxiety to him to solve as that puts him in the 'parent soothing a wounded child' role. Just relaying that here in case any of it helps! (Slightly pathetically I'm also feeling a bit better as when I came off the Zoom call he had sent me a message anyway, which I'm yet to respond to )

It's all so complex this stuff. ARghggh!

@WeWantTheFinestWines That's exactly what I was thinking.....I'm finding it hard enough to find one I want to be with, never mind more!!

Thanks for the comments everyone (on my lack of photo). I am currently engaged in 2 chats but completely agree that my chances of getting anything going is diminished. I would rather just get the divorce finished before I go public with a dating profile, I guess I’m just testing the waters at the moment and seeing who is out there.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs you sound so like my friend when she first met snd started seeing her husband, nearly 20 years ago now. There would be great long gaps in communication and she’d be going out her mind, thinking all the worst, thinking it was over or he’d gone off her, but she held it down though it was torturous for her and never showed him her insecurity, over time as their relationship grew she felt more comfortable with him to ask him to be in touch more, but it all worked out for them and he’s a great guy and has always adored her, so hang on in there and just try and breathe through it, it must be hard though and I’d feel the same as you (just as she did back then) 🙂

am yet again on the spiral of anxiety where after say 36h of no contact from him, it's as though I forget all of that, all the nice stuff, the fact that there is not a single indication that his feelings have changed, but the intrusive thoughts start, the doubt and the anxiety

Hmm . I know what you mean . I’m similar
I think I’m actually most dysfunctional in male female relationships
I don’t know what the answer is either but I hear you !!!!

@Knutface

Thanks for the comments everyone (on my lack of photo). I am currently engaged in 2 chats but completely agree that my chances of getting anything going is diminished. I would rather just get the divorce finished before I go public with a dating profile, I guess I’m just testing the waters at the moment and seeing who is out there.

That's understandable that you want to dip your toe in. But I would just expect that you'd get really minimal responses - so just don't take it personally as it's not a reflection on you! I expect you'll have lots more success once you're ready to put yourself out there with some nice pics.