Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

@Thisisworsethananticpated

apinions I wrote on tinder ‘single mum , kids away for the summer and and looking for fun’

I won’t use that line again
I was a sharp introduction to OLD and dick pix

But something very snappy ?

This made me laugh as I had in my profile that I was fun and omg they all read into it that I was up for shagging 🤣🤣. Removed it immediately!

Good luck to everyone doing dry January. I'm starting on 30 days of Yoga with Adriene on YouTube today. The class I went to has not restarted after closing for Covid and I need something go help me get on the mat more regularly.

@MizK good luck for your date zero. If the photo hadn't been delivered and you want to, why not just delete it?

@Shayelle2009 I'd recommend talking to someone too. I have a therapist though work who I've seen for the last two years. I'm a people pleaser and just want people to be happy with me. It's useful to get some perspective that I can't control the actions of others, or if I'm actually making up in my head what I think others might be thinking. It's also a good place to emotionally dump whatever is going on in my life without burdening friends. I'm sure she'll get some OLD stories going forward!!

One thing I decided to do for myself in 2022 is more pamper time. So next month Ive booked in for an hour long aromatherapy massage… never been to a salon before! The month after, an hour long make up lesson at the same place. It’s a swanky looking place just up the road. Quite looking forward to these!! 😆

@teesguy I think it’s a brave thing to get therapy. I’d be a bit worried about delving into it all but I’m sure its really good. Is it expensive to do? How do you go about finding one? Google?

Great idea: my task for today is to remove all alcohol into the garage, which is detached so there’s no way I’ll sneak over to it late in the evening if I start cravings (I’ve never drunk during the day, only after 8pm).

Agree re this ‘Mummy needs wine’, ‘it’s wine o’clock’ thing. Terrible really when you think about it that marketers/society actually encourage hard-pressed parents to drink regularly as an acceptable prop. To be fair I’ve been drinking less and less since ending my marriage, which coincided with the death of my DM. I’ve been reducing my work hours too so I have less stress. It’s no longer stress-related therefore, I just drink out of habit and boredom.

I’m still seeing this bloke from OLD (shall I call him Mr Bloke? 😂) and he drinks waaaay too much, I definitely don’t/can’t keep up with him. But he’s just told me he’s doing dry January and we can do it together 😱, which actually seems a pretty good idea. So I guess I’ll keep him for a bit longer…

[quote Shayelle2009]@teesguy I think it’s a brave thing to get therapy. I’d be a bit worried about delving into it all but I’m sure its really good. Is it expensive to do? How do you go about finding one? Google?[/quote]
@Shayelle2009 It's helped my massively. I'm very lucky that I got work to agree to continue the sessions beyond the usual 6 and they pay for it.

In terms of finding someone www.bacp.co.uk/ would be a good place to start. Have a chat to a few and see who you feel you could work with.

@Badbaddog

Great idea: my task for today is to remove all alcohol into the garage, which is detached so there’s no way I’ll sneak over to it late in the evening if I start cravings (I’ve never drunk during the day, only after 8pm).

Agree re this ‘Mummy needs wine’, ‘it’s wine o’clock’ thing. Terrible really when you think about it that marketers/society actually encourage hard-pressed parents to drink regularly as an acceptable prop. To be fair I’ve been drinking less and less since ending my marriage, which coincided with the death of my DM. I’ve been reducing my work hours too so I have less stress. It’s no longer stress-related therefore, I just drink out of habit and boredom.

I’m still seeing this bloke from OLD (shall I call him Mr Bloke? 😂) and he drinks waaaay too much, I definitely don’t/can’t keep up with him. But he’s just told me he’s doing dry January and we can do it together 😱, which actually seems a pretty good idea. So I guess I’ll keep him for a bit longer…

That's all a great idea - BUT beware of tying your success to someone else especially if they're a big drinker... make sure time you spend together not drinking doesn't turn into a kind of 'oh I fancy one, I know we shouldn't, but shall we...?' kind of mischief

Yes putting it all in the garage and then eg changing into pyjamas to make sure you don't go out to get it post 8pm is a good idea

Get some good treats in because the habit of wanting to treat yourself will still be there....

@teesguy

Good luck to everyone doing dry January. I'm starting on 30 days of Yoga with Adriene on YouTube today. The class I went to has not restarted after closing for Covid and I need something go help me get on the mat more regularly.

@MizK good luck for your date zero. If the photo hadn't been delivered and you want to, why not just delete it?

@Shayelle2009 I'd recommend talking to someone too. I have a therapist though work who I've seen for the last two years. I'm a people pleaser and just want people to be happy with me. It's useful to get some perspective that I can't control the actions of others, or if I'm actually making up in my head what I think others might be thinking. It's also a good place to emotionally dump whatever is going on in my life without burdening friends. I'm sure she'll get some OLD stories going forward!!

That's great, I really like Adrienne and had forgotten about her brilliant free resources! I've just booked onto a hot yoga class and will now spend the rest of the day quaking and feeling nervous as I haven't done any yoga for a long time...

@Shayelle2009 I can’t recommend therapy highly enough! I’ve had two six-session bouts in the last 10 years, each one for very specific purposes. It can be hard to find the right counsellor, in the end I went with someone who a friend was also seeing, who I double checked via Google. It was a pretty good fit. Really I just needed someone who would listen and pay full attention to my stories. In telling them she helped me recognise the patterns in my life, and the (relatively small) changes I could make to change the negative patterns.

[quote Shayelle2009]@teesguy I think it’s a brave thing to get therapy. I’d be a bit worried about delving into it all but I’m sure its really good. Is it expensive to do? How do you go about finding one? Google?[/quote]
@Shayelle2009 prices vary massively - I would say have a google about the specific things you would like to address and start sifting through (the BACP website is a good starting point). If you message a few of them you'll end up having introductory phone calls and you get a sense of who you might click with. Have a think about the kind of approach that might work for you - e.g. very traditional types of therapy such as Jungian can involve a therapist saying very very little as that's part of their approach - with strict boundaries between therapist and client. I've had that before and found it quite brutal - you can sit there for as long as it takes for you to say something and they won't intervene to break the silence . I quite like the psychodynamic approach as it's more interactive and for me at least, feels more humane. Don't be put off by the cost factor as you can eg. have a session every fortnight, or speak to them about the fact you are on a budget as many therapists operate on a sliding scale.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs that’s good advice, thank you so much!

@eesha we are together again from tonight for a couple of days. I think he gets it, I have been very open about my feelings re drugs and alcohol. I'll be going back into my 'practically teetotal' life which started with a dry January two years ago. I always drink over Christmas etc but this year it's been moderate. And back to being a veggie too. Over Christmas I can't quite resist the meat but I don't crave it at other times

@Badbaddog

Great idea: my task for today is to remove all alcohol into the garage, which is detached so there’s no way I’ll sneak over to it late in the evening if I start cravings (I’ve never drunk during the day, only after 8pm).

Agree re this ‘Mummy needs wine’, ‘it’s wine o’clock’ thing. Terrible really when you think about it that marketers/society actually encourage hard-pressed parents to drink regularly as an acceptable prop. To be fair I’ve been drinking less and less since ending my marriage, which coincided with the death of my DM. I’ve been reducing my work hours too so I have less stress. It’s no longer stress-related therefore, I just drink out of habit and boredom.

I’m still seeing this bloke from OLD (shall I call him Mr Bloke? 😂) and he drinks waaaay too much, I definitely don’t/can’t keep up with him. But he’s just told me he’s doing dry January and we can do it together 😱, which actually seems a pretty good idea. So I guess I’ll keep him for a bit longer…

Maybe this is why some women think I’m boring, hardly drink, don’t smoke, don’t do recreational drugs, no gambling debts, don’t send people dick picks ( let’s be honest here, I’d need a zoom lens the size of the Hubble space telescope to get anything worth sending), maybe I am just boring middle aged bloke with a slight Monty Python addiction

“He’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy!”

‘You’re all individuals’.
‘I’m not’.

Plus I have a boring job in a dull industry and drive an old man’s car, I’ve basically turned into my Dad .

Coordinator: Crucifixion?
Prisoner: Yes.
Coordinator: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.

Always look on the bright side of life?

@Shayelle2009 there are some good therapists in our little local town (the quaint one we like so much!). I echo what others say about the psychodynamic approach and also shopping around to make sure you click with someone xx

@FabulousMrFifty are you my twin? 😂😂

I'm the same, never smoked or done drugs, don't drink much, like music and the outdoors, keep fit and not overweight, great job in corporate land, naff car but it goes from a to b., only dirty pics I send are from my running adventures. Just "normal" really 🤷‍♂️

Hi all,

I have been reading this thread for a long time and have really identified with all the ups and downs that being single/dating brings. I really love the honest but supportive way you all relate to each other. I'd love to join the thread if that's ok?

I have been single for years, I have a good job, some great friends and family but decided I wanted to meet someone last year and have dabbled in a bit of dating since. Mostly first and second dates. I enjoy chatting, the build up, I do get asked out and generally enjoyed the dates but I struggled to meet anyone I really connected with or that I really wanted to see again.

In dating, Iv been told a lot of really positive things about myself but also, that I have a bit of a wall up and that I am hard to read. I find that online dating makes me put my guard up in a way no other part of my life does. I'm taking a break from online for a while but ideally, want to get back dating again as I would love to meet someone lovely. Any tips on letting my guard down a bit while I'm getting used to dating again after a long time?

Sorry didn't realize how long that was!! 🙈

Good luck to those doing Dry January, luckily I hate the taste of wine so have never drunk in the evenings.

@Shayelle2009 I found my counsellor on BAPC and she is great, I went to discuss how to overcome emotional unavailability and discovered my childhood is the issue and the parent/child dynamics were off kilter. I was then prime for getting in to an emotionally abusive marriage.

Its definitely worth it for me, she is away for 5 weeks so I'm noting things down to speak to her about.
I don't mind paying privately, if I'd broken my leg I'd get treatment so why can't I pay to fix my head is how I think.

@teesguy @FabulousMrFifty keeping fit and liking the outdoors are very high on my list of must haves! OLD is a numbers game and no reflection on whether you're cool or interesting, that might help to get likes but doesn't always translate into a meaningful connection

@ibelieveinmirrorballs but I definitely need to put some hard graft into creating a life for me outside of all that
I'm glad you've recognised this as we discussed it before and you were worried about this week and had hoped to book to get away, maybe staying home was fate so you could learn this lesson.

I hope you are able to create your own life and happiness.

I've got loads of groups/classes I want to join but no real time. Maybe I need a rich man so I could stop working and do all the things I want to do😂

@Startingover37

Hi all,

I have been reading this thread for a long time and have really identified with all the ups and downs that being single/dating brings. I really love the honest but supportive way you all relate to each other. I'd love to join the thread if that's ok?

I have been single for years, I have a good job, some great friends and family but decided I wanted to meet someone last year and have dabbled in a bit of dating since. Mostly first and second dates. I enjoy chatting, the build up, I do get asked out and generally enjoyed the dates but I struggled to meet anyone I really connected with or that I really wanted to see again.

In dating, Iv been told a lot of really positive things about myself but also, that I have a bit of a wall up and that I am hard to read. I find that online dating makes me put my guard up in a way no other part of my life does. I'm taking a break from online for a while but ideally, want to get back dating again as I would love to meet someone lovely. Any tips on letting my guard down a bit while I'm getting used to dating again after a long time?

Welcome!

I also get told that I have a bit of a wall up on first meets or chatting. I can be flirtatious but actually protecting yourself is also key.

Maybe it's more about the fact that you haven't really connected with those people that you've met. After all, they're strangers and why should you let your guard down just so they can have an easier time?

I'd say stay fussy and stay busy in the rest of your life. Then you're happy to be single but you've also got lots to talk about when you're on dates. And if someone has the same interests / hobbies as you then you will always find something to talk about

@Shayelle2009
Good luck 🤞

I agree that finding the right person (therapy !) is all about chemistry and to shop around
I’ve had two wonderful therapists and a few so so
And as for finding one for my son , Jesus it’s hard !
I’m on SSRI now and god I love them
I have ups and downs like everyone but the horrible dark death thoughts have gone away (mostly )
I actually wish I started them decades ago

And , I’m also considering therapy this year but I do want the right person as last few were , meh