Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

@Ofalltheginjoints

Thanks *@ibelieveinmirrorballs* *@PurpleStripyScarf* *@WeWantTheFinestWines* I'll have a look into those.

Not really feeling the need to pay for an app at least not at the moment, I met ex on POF previously but I didn't really like that then, I'm just going to have to go for it, feeling like I've lost a huge amount of confidence over the last couple of years but new year new start and all that

Make sure you read the rules at the top of every thread. OLD can be brutal and not great for self confidence so - when the fun stops, stop!

If you fail 1st time, try again?

I’ll try to read and reply to other messages soon.

Just wanted input into this one new man I’ve been seeing for approx 2.5 months but not slept with yet.

We dated for a few months 11 years ago I met him through a mutual friend of mine but he wasn’t over someone then (I think) and he was quite opinionated and some other minor issues.

Now we’ve had a few dates but I’m unsure if he likes me or not. I can tend to chase but trying not to do that. I think we also didn’t do WhatsApp before just texts.

So how do I know if he likes me or not?

@Ofalltheginjoints abs @WeWantTheFinestWines - I agree totally re OLD being very brutal and not for everyone!

I gave it up completely after approx 15 years being on it (did have some relationships out of it). It can be so so brutal though.

I’d try to meet someone IRL.

@Gonnagetgoing

I’ll try to read and reply to other messages soon.

Just wanted input into this one new man I’ve been seeing for approx 2.5 months but not slept with yet.

We dated for a few months 11 years ago I met him through a mutual friend of mine but he wasn’t over someone then (I think) and he was quite opinionated and some other minor issues.

Now we’ve had a few dates but I’m unsure if he likes me or not. I can tend to chase but trying not to do that. I think we also didn’t do WhatsApp before just texts.

So how do I know if he likes me or not?

Do you like him, in a relationship sense?

How has the "seeing each other" been framed? Is it - posh candlelit dinner, or an extra pair of hands to lug a bag of fertilizer at the garden centre?

And when you say you've not slept with - have you done anything? Kiss? Hold hands? Been in bed together?

I mean, the obvious thing is to ask him of course.

..."lug a bag of fertilizer at the garden centre" 🤣🤣🤣

Morning all. Interesting to see many doing Dry January, keep updating on how it's going. I definitely have overdone the partying and alcohol last year so will be keen to hear how giving up impacts you all.

@Gonnagetgoing as @VanGoghsDog said, asking is the best way. Being direct will save you lots of stress. Good luck.

Embarrassing update from me. 'Love' life becomes ever more disastrous. MrTeacher was in my bad books and over the week has started to drop off in communication. Still texts me daily but less often and no mention of meeting up. This should suit me as I know he's not for me. But, being an absolute classic fool, the minute he's withdrawn I've become super keen. To the point of sending him a very suggestive photo last night - which has not been delivered yet on whatsapp so no idea what reaction I'm in for. Horrors. I cannot even blame it on wine as I was sober and about to get in bed and watch golden girls.
I've scheduled a date zero with someone else today (MrTall) in the hope I can rid myself of this stupid fixation on MrTeacher who I know is wrong for me in virtually every way. New Year new me is going beautifully 😅

@Shayelle2009 hey lovely, I wondered if you had considered some sort of therapy for the dynamics with your parents. You always come across chirpy here but perhaps that is impacting your potential relationships somehow.

@Ofalltheginjoints I've had dates via the main apps and I don't think any are better or worse. Tinder has the volume as its free. Bumble does appear to have more lazy, blah men now who enjoy the women messaging first and cant be bothered to make much effort once the initial move is made. OK Cupid is a good screen because of all the questions you can ask. PoF lets you chat to anyone without the need to match so great for dipping your toe in. Hinge never quite worked for me as i never felt cool enough. Personally I would give them all a go but stop once it doesn't feel fun. Also, read the rules here.

@PotatoGoblins I think enjoy the fun now.
No one can put their finger on why there's attraction. You both click well and that's what you need at this point. Do you have children? That's the only time age gaps bother me ie the child bearing years!

@BelladiMamma the drug thing doesn't sound serious to me though I think given your family history, I can see why it may be a dealbreaker at times. Is he down these next few days? Hope you both have great fun and frolics

@MizK I think you need to give yourself a big virtual shake here. Stop with the suggestive pictures. He's already proved a berk for coming into your home and critiquing your place. You need to let it go rather than cling on as it really sounds like hes doing the slow fade. I'm glad you are scheduling more date zeros as that shows you are moving on.

MizK
Love your honesty
That’s the kind of thing I’d do too
Which is why I’m staying off the apps for a while
I can’t trust myself !

@Eesha yes, we both have kids. He has 2 DS’s (18 and 13) and I have 3 DCs (6, 5 & 2). Both of us are 100% done with having kids though!!!

Dont worry @MizK you’ve done nothing wrong it’s just one of those things, don’t be hard on yourself. I love @Eesha’s word though, he is a berk and really dont thonk he’s your ‘1’ why don’t you just decide this is your 2022 new start and get rid, once and for all? Take control now. As once again he’s making you feel like crap, in a roundabout way, we don’t need that in our lives.

Thanks @eesha you're so right I could definitely do with someone to chat to at the moment I think, as it’s all been eating me up all Christmas and I’ve not been in a good place about it. I think the drinking and relationship (lack of) side of things is all linked in.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs love reading your posts. Today is day 2 of my Dry Jan 😅 GOT to do it! if no one minds I will be 100% honest here, as it makes me more accountable. In a way I really want to do this, and succeed it, as a way to prove to myself that these family members in my life and the hurt they still cause after all this time will not sink me. I just feel so disappointed in myself drinking every day, want it to stop completely.

@PotatoGoblins nice to have someone else on here with young kids - mine are 5 and 2. And I am also sooooo done with having kids! My current iron doesn’t have any and doesn’t want to.

@Badbaddog Im contemplating rounding everything up and putting it in the garage. Have you got a garage or loft or shed you could stick it all in? Or someone else’s garage? 🙂

@Stayingstrongish hard navigating this whole thing when you have young DCs isn’t it?!!

@Shayelle2009 I think its no surprise that you are feeling all over the place a bit given all that has happened. One thing I've seen through friends is that the right sort of therapy can really help come to terms with things. I saw www.maxkirsten.com/ for anxiety due to family loss and he was amazing. But I would see whether your work offers support in any way. I'm sure they will have some sort of employee assistance program.

@PotatoGoblins yes. Some men put in their profiles that they date women with kids, a few months in and after some dodgy WhatsApp messages I’m now a bit suspicious of this and wonder if they see women with kids as easier targets.

@Stayingstrongish I haven’t ventured into the world of OLD…all the horror stories have made me give apps a wide berth

Thanks so much @Eesha xx I have used the work one before but you only get 6 sessions of counselling. Might do it again though as it was really helpful. I’m just bloody glad Christmas is done, new year new start and all that. Move on from it all.

@Eesha thank you for your straight talk there, you're so right. And I know objectively what I should do. Put it this way, if one of my friends or my sisters were telling me a story like this, I'd order them to snap the eff out of it!

@Shayelle2009 as usual, you manage to be supportive to me and others. I think you should also give yourself some grace and not be so hard on yourself about your drinking. You've recognised a pattern you want to change and you're doing something about it. You should give yourself credit for that. Keep posting and you'll have our care and support.
@Thisisworsethananticipated at least you have the self control to stay off the apps til you can use them in a way that works. I've come to the conclusion that I'm much better off when I'm at work and frantically busy. Down time leads to overthinking and rash decisions.

@Shayelle2009

Dont worry *@MizK you’ve done nothing wrong it’s just one of those things, don’t be hard on yourself. I love @Eesha*’s word though, he is a berk and really dont thonk he’s your ‘1’ why don’t you just decide this is your 2022 new start and get rid, once and for all? Take control now. As once again he’s making you feel like crap, in a roundabout way, we don’t need that in our lives.

Thanks @eesha you're so right I could definitely do with someone to chat to at the moment I think, as it’s all been eating me up all Christmas and I’ve not been in a good place about it. I think the drinking and relationship (lack of) side of things is all linked in.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs love reading your posts. Today is day 2 of my Dry Jan 😅 GOT to do it! if no one minds I will be 100% honest here, as it makes me more accountable. In a way I really want to do this, and succeed it, as a way to prove to myself that these family members in my life and the hurt they still cause after all this time will not sink me. I just feel so disappointed in myself drinking every day, want it to stop completely.

You can do it @Shayelle2009! I'm happy to support you (and anyone else doing Dry January) via DM as I don't want to flood the thread, but in the meantime I wanted to say PLEASE don't feel as though this is anything to do with any sort of personal failing on your part. It absolutely isn't. For one thing alcohol is naturally addictive, for another any sort of reliance upon it happens so gradually we don't really notice, and finally society tells us over and over again to reach for a glass of wine to make ourselves feel better or because we 'deserve it'. A personal bugbear of mine is the new 'mummy needs wine' culture which feeds upon the stress of parenthood to make us all feel like we deserve that glass of wine at the end of the day. It's bullshit and it normalises daily drinking. I stopped drinking midway through my divorce and was full of self-pity and 'if you had my life you'd drink too' misery at the time. One day I realised that not only was the drinking/hangovers making it harder for me to cope with the very thing that was causing me the stress, but that it was just the same old pointless merry go round. I hated hangovers and the anxiety/regret they brought on. Everyone is different and I know plenty of people who can soldier smiling through the day with a massive hangover, whereas I'd be cowering in bed full of regret and anxiety.

I second the recommendation to get a therapist if you can. I've just started with one over Zoom. Deciding to address the family history stuff at the same time as stopping drinking would be a very powerful time to look at all that stuff. Day 2 today - woohoo!

[quote Badbaddog]@ibelieveinmirrorballs thanks for those tips, really helpful. My objective is for Dry January to be the start of just not drinking alcohol at all, I’ve really become anti alcohol with my head so I’m hoping my body won’t let me down by developing cravings! My house is full of alcohol which I bought for Christmas and which didn’t get drunk by me or the family, so I’m not sure what I’m going to do about all that 😂

I’ve succeeded in stopping smoking and in losing weight before, in both cases I had to learn to spot my triggers. With alcohol I think my trigger is settling down at the end of a hard/busy day with a glass of vino and the TV as my ‘reward’ for… I don’t know what, living I suppose![/quote]
Agree with @Shayelle2009 get it out of the house, even if into the garage, or give it away. Do it while you're feeling strong!

@MizK @ibelieveinmirrorballs thanks lovelies 💕💕

MizK I’m with you on the downtime leading to the overthinking. Much prefer being busy and engaged!!

@MizK
If your message has not been delivered you can delete for all, so he never gets it

[quote MizK]@Eesha thank you for your straight talk there, you're so right. And I know objectively what I should do. Put it this way, if one of my friends or my sisters were telling me a story like this, I'd order them to snap the eff out of it!

@Shayelle2009 as usual, you manage to be supportive to me and others. I think you should also give yourself some grace and not be so hard on yourself about your drinking. You've recognised a pattern you want to change and you're doing something about it. You should give yourself credit for that. Keep posting and you'll have our care and support.
@Thisisworsethananticipated at least you have the self control to stay off the apps til you can use them in a way that works. I've come to the conclusion that I'm much better off when I'm at work and frantically busy. Down time leads to overthinking and rash decisions.[/quote]
Completely agree with this conclusion re the danger of too much downtime. I also am feeling that and this long weekend, without my children here, has made me feel like my life outside of dating and outside of being a mother, is lacking somewhat.

I relocated from London 4 years ago and the friends I made at that point were mostly focused around my DCs school as they were primary-aged. In the background I had my friends from London and was still commuting regularly into town during the week for work, so still had that 'city fix'. Since Covid, and now my DC are at secondary school, I've realised (this holiday in fact!) that I need to pull my finger out and start to create a life that's for me down here, outside of being a mother or looking for a boyfriend etc. I've been hiding behind excuses for that but need to pull my finger out.

The absence of a 'full independent life' is going to make me clingy and anxious otherwise, I think. It's so difficult as a single parent sometimes because life is full-on and hard work, and with lots of chores/responsibilities alongside the very real need to relax and take care of oneself outside of that... but I definitely need to put some hard graft into creating a life for me outside of all that.