Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

@PotatoGoblins

So update…. I’ve spent the last 2 days and nights with MrFootball! We went out for lunch together, went to a NYE do and then spent last night/this morning at his house. We just click. I don’t know how else to describe it. The way that he speaks to me, and actually takes an interest in what J have to say is an alien concept to me, because I spent most of my marriage practically screaming at the top of my lungs and my ex was blind to it. I know: my bar for decent behaviour from men is pretty low

That sounds completely lovely!

@WeWantTheFinestWines I felt happier than I’ve felt in a while.
But the cynical, glass half empty part of me is just waiting for the bubble to burst.

Happy New Year everyone:) Some lovely updates here over the last few days.
No NYE partying here in Ireland as we have an 8pm curfew so no point heading out. Just home today after spending the last 3 days at Mr Ls place. Had a lovely NYE, big 2 hour walk, then he cooked and we did a musical journey on You tube got a little drunk on red wine and watched Jools ring in the new year. I think it was the nicest New Years I’ve ever had He is just so lovely and I’m so happy I swiped him on Tinder Don’t give up is my advice
Totally smitten

@BelladiMamma drugs tend to bother me because both my previous 2 partners were longer term weed smokers so although its not a no, I do feel like my heart sinks a bit if any iron says they do partake. I'm pretty much teetotal plus no drugs/smoking. I think you seem like you are clear on what you want there though. With the non monogamous thing, do you think you could have been monogamous with Mr A? It seems like with him, you would have wanted that yet with Mr Dublin, you want to keep things more open. Correct me if wrong here.

@PotatoGoblins great news about Mr Football, long may it last!

Roll call
January - Feb MrcocklodgerActor car crash but stuck with him way longer than I should have as he was an ex
Feb - March - April MrScottish ex colleague ED issues then ghosted me
April - May - June MrBear started well then became critical and controlling and ‘repaired’ DD’s laptop for 8 weeks triggering mass panics and anxiety. Blocked everywhere
July - August accident days; various flakes including BeardFlake and Irishflake
August - September MrTattoo nice guy, nice hugs but when I left it to him to organise the next meet it just fizzled
September - December MrActor, really positive experience for me but didn’t want me as a girlfriend whereas I wanted that status with him
November - December MrBeau, MrPoet, MrDublin

I really have ended the year on a high. MrActor set me up with confidence and positivity to meet MrDublin and enjoy every minute. He’s driving down tomorrow so we can talk and figure a few things out without festive pressures. He clearly wants to continue making this is serious and doesn’t want to do it all on text. I’m really into him but I’m conscious that MrBear started well but soured rapidly as the control issues came through. So I’m keeping my rational brain switched on whilst just enjoying the absolute snowstorm of bliss that we are living through at the moment.

@Eesha we had an almost-conversation about the age gap (I’m 27, he’s 41) last night and I think he’s feeling like I couldn’t possibly be interested in a man that much older than me…but I really like him!

@Eesha @SortingItOut as the drugs is really a recent every weekend thing with the same bunch of mates (who've helped him get out of lockdown and breakup low points), I think he's ok not to do it around me. The thing is, his ex is an addict and he spent 15 years not touching anything, booze or drugs and he is teetotal but this is his post break up phase I think.

Re monogamy, I did snog MrSardinia and pursue MissBrazil a bit and I told MrA. When I told him I hoped that he'd respond by saying he wanted monogamy but he never really stepped into that conversation. I should really have told him how I felt earlier on, but I would see him active on feeld and think oh Fuck that I'm not going to give up my freedoms if he won't for me.

In short, the mental freedom and the confidence non monogamy gives me will be hard to give up. Im not actively pursuing anyone I just want to know that I'm free to pursue an emotional or physical connection if it felt right. I understand it's a very personal choice. So I'm more than willing to I discuss it with him and leave it on the table along with the drugs.

@VanGoghsDog I recognise that pattern re wanting men who are more aloof and questioning their interest. I've often felt the same way and I feel like I'm finally breaking the habit

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma drugs tend to bother me because both my previous 2 partners were longer term weed smokers so although its not a no, I do feel like my heart sinks a bit if any iron says they do partake. I'm pretty much teetotal plus no drugs/smoking. I think you seem like you are clear on what you want there though. With the non monogamous thing, do you think you could have been monogamous with Mr A? It seems like with him, you would have wanted that yet with Mr Dublin, you want to keep things more open. Correct me if wrong here.

@PotatoGoblins great news about Mr Football, long may it last![/quote]
In the past it's been a deal breaker too as my brother was an addict and he lost a lot of friends and he eventually died because of all the abuse he had given his body. But I feel like I understand where this is coming from. I drank way too much as my marriage was falling apart and it's only now I've got on top of it again

Hey hey friends! Happy 2022! I’ve been hungover to hell all day but it was a really lovely night out. Plus being wingwoman was great as I’m so happy for my friend as after 3 years of OLD and all its crap, it appears she’s met a really great guy with this one. I hope it carries on into something really nice for them! Also lovely to be reading all of the happy loved up updates on here 💓
As for me, was a fab night lovely atmosphere.. but didnt meet anyone and literally everybody was coupled up or with families. Which made me feel a tiny bit . Not helped by the fact I’m struggling with my own relatives at the mo.. it all feels a little empty, but am going to try and look to the future and maybe be a bit more like my friend and not let family disappoints get to me so much. I’m going to try and just focus on hope and new possibilities going forward 💛
ALSO this is my day 1 of dry January! If anyone is doing that?? I HAVE to do it this time!!!

Hope everyone had/is having a good first day of the new year 💗

@BelladiMamma I did the same as my marriage was falling to bits and ended up stopping drinking after we separated - have never gone back to it and it’s the best decision I ever made… the lure to use wine to cope as a mother (or as an adult in general, tbh) is massive in society and for me personally stopping completely was the right thing to do.

So on that note @Shayelle2009 I’ll cheer you on for Dry January! When I stopped I never said it would be forever, I just said I’d try stopping and see how it felt. I loved being hangover free and hope I never go back to it - I tend towards being a hedonist so one glass of wine too readily turns into three or more.

Thanks @ibelieveinmirrorballs it would be so amazing just to give up altogether. I don't drink a lot but I drink everyday and I just want to bloody stop.

I’ll join you in dry January @Shayelle2009 - I also drink every day, though rarely more than two glasses of wine, but I’ve lost three family members of my age to alcohol since 2018, and another (slightly older one) tied one on recently when they came to stay and shat in my guest bed as a result. 🤢. I just don’t want to be a person who takes alcohol any more. (Recreational drugs of other types are also a big fat no for me, always have been, it’s mad how accepted alcohol is in our society.)

We can do it!

@Shayelle2009

Thanks *@ibelieveinmirrorballs* it would be so amazing just to give up altogether. I don't drink a lot but I drink everyday and I just want to bloody stop.

@Badbaddog @Shayelle2009 Thoroughly recommend immersing yourself in sobriety ’brainwashing’ literature/blogs/forums to get you through it. My top tips are - don’t tie it in to any sort of weight loss attempt as in the early days it’s very common to compensate by eating more. The most important thing if you’re going to take it seriously is to do whatever it takes to avoid feeling deprived so get in some nice alcohol free drinks, ice cream, etc etc - have a toolkit of non alcoholic ways to “treat” yourself if you get a craving. There’s a really good hypnosis app by Andrew Johnson that you can listen to every night before going to sleep which I found helpful. Sleep can be disturbed in the first few days/weeks after stopping but that gets massively better and if anything I found it incredibly weird to think that the process of alcohol leaving my body took so long to normalise my sleep. I wasn’t a daily drinker - I used to drink 2-3 times a week if that, but I would often drink way too much. I also went to an Allen Carr seminar thing in London and it worked for me - haven’t had a drink since

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I read the Allen Carr stop smoking book which was incredible. Thanks a lot for the tips I find the first few says the toughest but determined this time. Sorry for your losses @Badbaddog

Happy new year all!

I too am doing dry January. I over indulged far too much over the festive period.

I have 1 iron, I think this has potential to be a relationship but part of me is holding back. I'm seeing him tomorrow so will see how it goes.

Hi all I'm new to the thread, thinking about getting back into OLD after splitting up with my ex in March, feeling a bit unsure as it's nearly 7 years since I last was single and no real idea of which site to use does anyone have any recommendations?

Good luck to those doing Dry January. I did it once. Made no difference to my sleep, wellbeing, weight or life. Saved some money, but otherwise just found the whole thing quite dull and pointless. I'm quite good at just having one glass anyway and do not feel particularly compelled to go dry again. I suppose my username is a clue...

@Ofalltheginjoints

Hi all I'm new to the thread, thinking about getting back into OLD after splitting up with my ex in March, feeling a bit unsure as it's nearly 7 years since I last was single and no real idea of which site to use does anyone have any recommendations?

Welcome to the thread. Tinder is the biggest one so probably unavoidable. Some people like Bumble as the woman has to instigate contact. I would say your profile, your search criteria and clarity about your boundaries are the most important thing when embarking on OLD.

@Ofalltheginjoints

Hi all I'm new to the thread, thinking about getting back into OLD after splitting up with my ex in March, feeling a bit unsure as it's nearly 7 years since I last was single and no real idea of which site to use does anyone have any recommendations?

Hi @Ofalltheginjoints and welcome!

I use Bumble and Hinge. I've had a pretty good experience with both of them so far. I like Bumble because men can't make the first move; but I also find it sometimes annoying because I have to make the first move 😆 And I like Hinge because the prompts/Q&A format of the profiles means you've got a starting point for a chat; but I don't like the way certain features are dangled-yet-restricted unless you upgrade to the paying version.

Every app has its different selling points, quirks and limitations. Hopefully other posters will share their experiences of other apps too (I've only ever tried bumble and hinge).

To an extent it depends on what you're looking for and also whether you're willing to pay (I've not felt the need - I just use the free versions). Judging by experiences on this thread, it can also vary according to your geography. Maybe try a couple and see which you prefer / get best results from. Good luck!

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Good luck to those doing Dry January. I did it once. Made no difference to my sleep, wellbeing, weight or life. Saved some money, but otherwise just found the whole thing quite dull and pointless. I'm quite good at just having one glass anyway and do not feel particularly compelled to go dry again. I suppose my username is a clue...

I’d probably agree that Dry January is pointless if the objective is to think a month off will improve any of those things. One thing I think it’s useful for is it can shine a light on someone’s relationship with alcohol if it proves hard to stop for 30 days. Most of the benefits of stopping come a while after 30 days, unfortunately, and only really last if you either stay stopped or significantly alter your drinking patterns.

The difficulty for many people is that if you fall somewhere in the vast grey area between “can easily just have one glass” and “clearly an alcoholic and should stop”, it can feel like an endless cycle of trying and failing to drink a bit more moderately. For many of these people stopping is much easier then moderating, but society drills into us that only the very addicted should think about stopping. Very glad this perception is changing!

@Ofalltheginjoints

Hi all I'm new to the thread, thinking about getting back into OLD after splitting up with my ex in March, feeling a bit unsure as it's nearly 7 years since I last was single and no real idea of which site to use does anyone have any recommendations?

I really liked OKCupid as you can get a really good sense of someone from the profile questions you can answer which then shows likely compatibility. You can then easily screen for someone’s politics, sexual kink preferences, whether they’re kind to waiters, etc etc! And it’s very usable without needing to pay.

@FabulousMrFifty

Happy new year everyone *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* hope 2022 brings you everything you wish for

Cheers @FabulousMrFifty 🙂 I wish the same for you too ❤️

Have been booked for a psych assessment sometime in April so hoping they can help me
get my Mh on the rise ❤️

Thanks @ibelieveinmirrorballs @PurpleStripyScarf @WeWantTheFinestWines I'll have a look into those.

Not really feeling the need to pay for an app at least not at the moment, I met ex on POF previously but I didn't really like that then, I'm just going to have to go for it, feeling like I've lost a huge amount of confidence over the last couple of years but new year new start and all that

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thanks for those tips, really helpful. My objective is for Dry January to be the start of just not drinking alcohol at all, I’ve really become anti alcohol with my head so I’m hoping my body won’t let me down by developing cravings! My house is full of alcohol which I bought for Christmas and which didn’t get drunk by me or the family, so I’m not sure what I’m going to do about all that 😂

I’ve succeeded in stopping smoking and in losing weight before, in both cases I had to learn to spot my triggers. With alcohol I think my trigger is settling down at the end of a hard/busy day with a glass of vino and the TV as my ‘reward’ for… I don’t know what, living I suppose!