Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

Happy New Year everyone. Lovely to read all the positive updates on dates and developing relationships. And a virtual hug for those feeling a bit adrift with patchy contact etc. Everything crossed that 2022 brings us all the love, friendship or fun that we seek.
Had a lovely day celebrating DD2 birthday and seeing in the new year with her, DD1 and her bf and Mr V. We’re currently watching football in bed. 😬
Final slight pointer from me on WhatsApp- if you click on any message you have sent it gives you an ‘ information’ option and that will tell you when the message was delivered and read. Fortunately I am not plagued by mithering about WA. Mr V and I pretty much only ever call each other.
I guess I have been ruminating a fair bit on Mr V and whether the lack of sex is going to be the clincher. I think we’re solidly in a relationship, he’s become like my best friend , integrated into my family and life and so there are lots of things keeping us together.That’s not to say I don’t miss the intimacy of sex. And it may yet become the thing that splits us. I had several years of random sex driven encounters and whilst it was fun and boosted my self esteem I knew what I really wanted was a love match, someone to share my life with. I know my best friend thinks that I am expecting too much by looking for everything in one person but as I explained when you have the choice, the life experience and you’re looking at life from a different perspective in my 50s I can and will keep pushing to find the unicorn. 🦄

I'm so boring anti drugs, it was a relief to me when I asked MrStone if he took drugs and he said he does occasionally, because there's just no way I could be with someone who ever did so as well as just not fancying him I have a more solid reason there can never be anything between us.

He's a recovered alcoholic who also quit smoking, but vapes (and vaped in my house without asking me if it was OK, it's not!) and takes drugs occasionally. Definitely not for me.

Final slight pointer from me on WhatsApp- if you click on any message you have sent it gives you an ‘ information’ option and that will tell you when the message was delivered and read.

Only if they have that switched on. It's the same setting as the blue ticks, so if they are turned off it won't tell you.

Attached an example of the "info" from a message I know was read. You don't get the date and time for the blue ticks (and they are always there in the info, just filled in when it's read).

@Eesha
Probably, no others
@BelladiMamma
Yes, knew her “before”, for some years
@VanGoghsDog
Yes, bit of dick move really

After the last couple of years, I think that’s me finished with dating now, too much aggro

Question .. matched with a guy on Tinder, messaged on there for a while and then moved the chat to WhatsApp. Messaged a bit more and arranged a date zero for next week. However he's unmatched me on Tinder. Is this something anyone would do or should I be suspicious?

@FabulousMrFifty ahh I hate to hear you say that - remember rules 2, 6 and 7!

I'm sorry MsW has been so crap with contact after your weekend together, especially given Christmas/New Year etc. It is, as @VanGoghsDog says, just not good enough - even for a FWB.

But her behaviour says nothing about you, and also is no indicator that the next person won't treat you entirely differently and entirely as you deserve to be treated. The point at which you've just been let down by someone is exactly the most depressing point at which you think "I literally cannot face going through this shite one more time" but after some time away from the apps etc, we get to a point where we can maybe contemplate it again. I remember after my first iron disaster in summer 2020 (and my first real attempt at dating after 5-6 years on my own post horrendous divorce/marriage) I was crying down the phone to my barrister (yes, completely inappropriate, thankfully he did not charge on an hourly rate) about how I NEVER EVER wanted to go through this misery again so there was nothing for it but to forget online dating. He quite firmly said that was absolutely NOT the right attitude and that we have to learn from each attempt, pick ourselves up and carry on trying to find a good connection with someone decent, especially if we've been let down by a marriage failing or whatever. Sending New Year hugs to you today.

Hi, I hope it's OK to join in. I've posted before on this thread - in fact the first time I posted was in 2012! (Which gives you a good idea of how successful my dating has been, as I'm still here 10 years later!)

I haven't really done any dating for years now - haven't had so much as a kiss for nearly 4 years! But I was at a small NYE house party last night, and something about the combination of alcohol and being in close proximity to a couple of men has changed something ... I want to have another go at meeting someone.

I've loved reading this thread, learning lots, cheering you all on and empathising when things go wrong. Hopefully I'll have something to contribute soon - though already feeling daunted by signing up to OLD again.

@dancemom

Question .. matched with a guy on Tinder, messaged on there for a while and then moved the chat to WhatsApp. Messaged a bit more and arranged a date zero for next week. However he's unmatched me on Tinder. Is this something anyone would do or should I be suspicious?

I've had this happen to me before, and in my case it was not a good sign. He said at the time he had come off Tinder, but actually I think he had unmatched me so that I could no longer see when he was online there and so that I would think he was giving me his undivided attention on WhatsApp. As it turned out he ghosted me a few weeks later, after we'd met several times and slept together. I rejoined Tinder with a new profile and immediately found him on there with a 'recently active' and updated profile, and feel quite sure he'd been active on there the whole time. He is also the iron I refer to in my previous post - I think he was a dab hand at managing the whole thing by unmatching people as soon as he had them 'hooked' on WhatsApp so he could continue unchecked on Tinder.

I didn't actually know you could tell when someone was last active on Tinder but I'll definitely bear that in mind and be on alert ....

Tinder need to sort that out
In fact they all do
I was messaging a guy and then I had to cancel date
I then went onto the app a few days later for a browse
He saw me and asked about it via WhatsApp ! Which is cheeky as he was clearly on there too
The chat died a little death after that

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@Eesha
Probably, no others
@BelladiMamma
Yes, knew her “before”, for some years
@VanGoghsDog
Yes, bit of dick move really

After the last couple of years, I think that’s me finished with dating now, too much aggro[/quote]
To be fair, you weren't "dating" MsW were you? So her behavior shouldn't put you off dating.

I wasn't dating MrWG, so while he's been an arse, it doesn't impact on my feelings about dating.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs @VanGoghsDog

I’m wallowing in a vat of self pity, expensive coffee and out of date sausage rolls.

It’s not just that, To be honest I have no problem with “meeting” is the keeping going that’s a struggle, just a list a failures, ms business, ms nhs, before these, ms Restaurant, back to ms Australia ( she left the country after dating me FGS), the common theme here is me.

It it me, my behaviours, maybe? 🤷🏼‍♂️

I’m going to invoke rule 8 for the next 30 years, that should deal with the issue.

Aw FabulousMrFifty it sounds like you're feeling really down. It's so tough when you try again and again, and things keep falling apart.

I know in the past I've thought the same - that if all my relationships don't work out, I'm the common theme, so it's probably something I'm doing wrong. But usually it's not something one person has done "wrong", it's just two people not fitting together, or other stuff (distance, kids, etc) getting in the way and stopping things from working. I'm in my 50s too, and meeting people seemed so much easier when I was in my 20s and we all had less "baggage".

On the plus side, expensive coffee sounds good!

Good thing I kept that message. I've had to send it about 5 times already. I'm not really sure where these guys thought it was going as all of them had completely random communication patterns.
I think I'll leave MrPoet a voice note today or tomorrow

@dancemom I don't think this is a good sign. In my experience they just don't want you to know they are still on there throughout.

@FabulousMrFifty I think you need to take a break till you feel more positive. Were all these women THE ONE or were you just giving things a go to see it the dynamics worked. I think it's less you, more that you just didn't have that click. Plus you seem to have gotten further than chat with them all.

[quote FabulousMrFifty]**@ibelieveinmirrorballs* @VanGoghsDog*

I’m wallowing in a vat of self pity, expensive coffee and out of date sausage rolls.

It’s not just that, To be honest I have no problem with “meeting” is the keeping going that’s a struggle, just a list a failures, ms business, ms nhs, before these, ms Restaurant, back to ms Australia ( she left the country after dating me FGS), the common theme here is me.

It it me, my behaviours, maybe? 🤷🏼‍♂️

I’m going to invoke rule 8 for the next 30 years, that should deal with the issue.[/quote]
But we all struggle with the 'keeping going' bit, otherwise we wouldn't be here, would we? I'm only saying that because it really isn't just you - or if it is, then it's all of us too.

Are there any patterns you have detected as to why things don't work out... are you tending to go for emotionally unavailable types, or (something I struggle with) are not very good at saying goodbye even if red flags start to present themselves, thereby leaving it always to the other person to be the one who leaves?

I think you are allowed to invoke rule 8, just not for 30 years tis all

@ibelieveinmirrorballs @VanGoghsDog
I just don't want to be there when he does it. I don't mind so much if he does it occasionally when I'm not around - and I know that it's a very recent post break up hanging out with his single mates thing. I like to get wild occasionally too but it has to be an occasional thing for me as I value my balanced lifestyle too much to want to be on a comedown or be hungover more than once a month. Equally he's really into me and whilst he wants me to feel free about the non monogamy side of things I don't want to hurt him if it's something he can't handle in the long term.

@FabulousMrFifty you seem to have been good at getting something going so don't give up just yet! I do agree that MsWales hasn't behaved well and that maybe merits a conversation so that you can get some closure. Especially if you already knew each other.

@FabulousMrFifty Maybe take a break for a few weeks and then see how you feel? It's rubbish that MsW hasn't been in contact over Christmas but says a lot more about her than you.

The new year has started great for me...DD2 has tested positive this afternoon . She had felt under the weather for the last few days but was negative, woke up this morning feeling much better then tested positive. No PCR tests available to confirm.

Thanks all, will take some time off

I have a feeling the out of date sausage rolls will be making an appearance sooner rather than later 🤢

@Goldfish50 if you have a B2C machine, try this site for good beans
coffeelink.com/pages/our-story

It’s not just that, To be honest I have no problem with “meeting” is the keeping going that’s a struggle, just a list a failures, ms business, ms nhs, before these, ms Restaurant, back to ms Australia ( she left the country after dating me FGS), the common theme here is me.

Well, for whatever reason I seem to get matches, and in RL men (in my walking group, but that's the only place I meet men) seem to take a liking to me. But I so rarely like them, or rarely find enough in them to be attracted to.

And I do most definitely think there is something wrong with a guy if he likes me (I assume it's a 'pity' like or a 'she must be desperate, therefore she'll be easy' kind of thing), so I go for those who are more stand-offish around me. I might find a new counselor and try and talk that through, my most recent counselor was fine for the grief stuff 18m ago but she was rubbish last year for discussing relationships.

Anyway, I don't consider all my dating (etc) in 2021 to be failures, just part of the process, and interesting at the time.

2021 rollcall in terms of dates was MrChef (4 dates), MrGig (1 date), MrDecorator (a few dates then things got blurred), MrWG (0 dates!), MrStone (not dates), MrGardener (never dated, he just flirted and asked me out, I never took him up on it), MrIdunno,wewent onsome walks, and MrNeckKisser from 2020 lagging over and hanging around. Also met another guy from Tinder who I've made friends with and see a bit.

I think that's it.

I could really do with a good FWB this year!

HNY everyone! Mine was a quiet one with the kiddos, made the second part of MrTs Xmas present (figured id better get it done as Monday will come around soon now!) and watched the celebrations on TV. Then once the little(ish) ones were in bed on both sides he gave me a video call and I opened the bottle of champagne that work had sent me for Xmas and we had a few drinks together. All in all, one of the nicest starts to the New Year I've had in a long time ☺️

So update….
I’ve spent the last 2 days and nights with MrFootball! We went out for lunch together, went to a NYE do and then spent last night/this morning at his house. We just click. I don’t know how else to describe it.
The way that he speaks to me, and actually takes an interest in what J have to say is an alien concept to me, because I spent most of my marriage practically screaming at the top of my lungs and my ex was blind to it. I know: my bar for decent behaviour from men is pretty low

@BelladiMamma Mr K takes drugs recreationally, I would say probably a few times a year, usually at festivals or really big nights out. In his youth he partook daily but has grown up since then.

I personally haven't ever touched drugs, it was a deal breaker for me but that was more around regular weed smokers or every weekend cocaine types. I'd not considered anything else.

I've told Mr K I don't care about the drugs as long as he doesn't do them while I'm with him which he agreed to. This would be a deal breaker and he knows it.

I can't post images but wanted to thank you for the WhatsApp tip - I can see when a message/ voice note was delivered, seen and read/played. If only I'd known that before I started fretting about my drunken voice note being ignored - it wasn't delivered until hours later and he listened and replied within minutes. Was the top tip from you vangogh?

And Fabulous, take a break for sure but don't give up. I remember we needed to boost your confidence a bit when you first started posting, both re your username and the way you sometimes spoke about yourself. This game is awful and soul destroying for all of us at times, and it's hard not to think there's something wrong with us, but it really is just a question of compatibility, luck and timing. I hope you stick around.