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Original poster

Could you live in your boyfriend’s ex marital home?

111 replies

IsThosAMistake · 27/12/2021 23:25

Children are long grown up and he’s been divorced 20 years. We’ve been together 2 years and he’s asked me to move in with him.

I currently rent and we are definitely at that stage where living together is the next step in our relationship.

But it is his old marital home. His ex wife instigated the divorce and moved in with OM so he kept the house.

I don’t know if I can do it though, I already feel uncomfortable spending time at his house and so most of the time we are at mine. I definitely don’t want to get to a situation where we get married and continue to live in his old marital home.

I have expressed my concerns to him but it seems this is the one thing that is non negotiable.

AIBU to also think this is a dealbreaker?

OP posts:
Beamur · 27/12/2021 23:30

I live in my DH's former marital home. Doesn't bother me at all. It's a good house in a lovely area and I've been happy here.
I didn't know DH while he was with his wife so it's only ever been DH's house to me.
YABU to generalise, but it's obviously an issue for you.

Mogwaimummy · 27/12/2021 23:34

You're being ridiculous. They've been divorced 20 years. It's not like she moved out last week.

It won't be the same home as the one she lived in. It will have been decorated etc since she left.

MacNTosh · 27/12/2021 23:37

I moved into ex dh’s home that he’d shared with a previous gf, only agreed on the proviso that we completely redecorated and changed some furniture. I still never felt comfortable there. When I met my dh when we decided to move in I was adamant it had to be somewhere new and 20 something years later we’re still going strong. I wouldn’t do it.

Viviennemary · 27/12/2021 23:39

If you already feel uncomfortable being there it seems as if there will be a real problem. The fact he says it's non negotiable is a huge red flag. I'd tell him to get lost.

Nowomenaroundeh · 27/12/2021 23:45

No. Well not again I wouldn't.

Original poster
IsThosAMistake · 27/12/2021 23:47

What do you mean @Nowomenaroundeh

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 27/12/2021 23:53

My ex-h moved into OW's house the minute her husband was killed in an RTA. That was utterly disgusting. I don't think you need to have an issue 20 years later

coogee · 27/12/2021 23:53

No problem for me. I’ve been in it now a lot longer than she ever was.

ANameChangeAgain · 27/12/2021 23:55

It wouldn't be a problem for me, especially after 20 years. I would put my own stamp on it regardless if it became a permanent arrangement.

ShesGotAMapOfTheWorld · 27/12/2021 23:57

I did, for a year or so until we bought a new house. It wasn't the fact it was his marital home that made us move, it was just I wanted to live in a different area. It felt like DH's house not 'their' house, mainly because she had left years before for a new man.

rrhuth · 27/12/2021 23:59

Yes, and have done so.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/12/2021 00:02

No - don’t do it. You will be moving into his life not starting a new one together.

The only possible way to consider it is if he moves out with you while you have the whole place revamped and then you move back in together. Which is expensive but might be possible.

Longdistance · 28/12/2021 00:06

I live up n the house dh lived in with his ex. She had nothing to do with the house ie; they weren’t married and she wasn’t on the mortgage.
I’m still here, not one for trying to move on, but we’ve lived elsewhere in the world.

HeddaGarbled · 28/12/2021 00:06

It’s a more equal relationship if you choose a home together, IMO. Plus, there’s issues around it being his children’s childhood home, for all they’re long gone.

If it matters to you, he shouldn’t just dismiss that.

CliveThighs · 28/12/2021 00:07

I think you're being ridiculous, it's a home he's lived in for decades - he's probably spent longer in it since his divorce (20 odd years?! ) than his marriage lasted. So, no, I wouldn't classify it as a "marital home" any longer, unless he's kept it as a shine to his ex wife for all that time.

From a financial standpoint he's probably paid off the mortgage, or is close to paying it off. From an emotional standpoint he's lived there pretty much his entire adult life and so obviously likes the area, feels settled, etc. I can see so many potential reasons that are perfectly justifiable for him to not want to leave his home.

I think you should give your head a wobble and stop fixating on his past from 20 years ago, look forward to the future.

Original poster
IsThosAMistake · 28/12/2021 00:09

No - don’t do it. You will be moving into his life not starting a new one together.

Yes, that’s exactly it. And even if we moved out and revamped the place, I would feel resentful that we’ve spent a lot of money unnecessarily when we could have put that towards a new place together.

OP posts:
GregTheEgg · 28/12/2021 00:09

I wouldn’t do it for many reasons. Mainly because his ex still treated it like her home, walking in without knocking and going for a nap in his bed etc. there were photos of them together on the walls when we first met. Later found in cupboards and drawers etc, including a photo of him groping her boob in his bedside drawer Envy

Even when he redecorated, she helped him, she put up his Xmas tree for him and left wine glasses and her vape stuff around the place. Absolutely no way in hell I’d move into that house ever.

Apart from anything, moving into someone else’s house there is already an established order for everything, uses for all the rooms, the way the kitchen is organised etc and I’d want to be able to make it feel like my home. So it wouldn’t only be the exes claim on it that would bother me, but also his. Some people are just more territorial about these things. Doesn’t matter now as we’re not together any more but with any future BF I wouldn’t accept a non-negotiable like this. It’s bullshit. Nobody has to live in a home that makes them uncomfortable.

55mirabeau · 28/12/2021 00:18

My ex’s now wife moved into our marital home 6 weeks after I left. I’d temporarily moved back to my parents and there wasn’t room for me to take all my things. My clothes were still in the wardrobe, photos of us on the walls. Didn’t seem to bother her one bit, and 4 years later they remain there. I believe she has decorated the living room and some furniture has changed but it is basically the house I left.

It wouldn’t be for me, it would always be another woman’s house for me.

CallMeNutribullet · 28/12/2021 00:31

This is odd. Especially the fact that spending time there makes you feel uncomfortable. It's just a house.

Onthemaintrunkline · 28/12/2021 00:54

No I couldn’t do it.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 28/12/2021 01:03

It's been his home a lot longer than it was theirs, it wouldn't bother me in those circumstances, it's been twenty years. If she'd moved out a year or two ago and was always popping round, still had a key etc it would.

MMmomDD · 28/12/2021 02:38

In my opinion you are being totally unreasonable. And behaving like a spoiled child too.
He has a house, a home. He has lived there for a very long time. Most likely longer by himself than as a married man.

You don’t own a house. But instead of being grateful and consider yourself lucky that you met someone who is providing you with one - you are putting forward demands.

You have only been with him for 2 years.
Yet you want him to sell his home and buy you a place so YOU can feel it’s yours?

At worst it’s grabby on your side. At best - you have some insecurity issues over his past. Neither is great, tbh.

I hope he stands his ground. And either you see sense or he finds someone else who isn’t this entitled.

Queeen · 28/12/2021 02:49

I wouldn't like it. The dynamic is all off. I'd want to get a new place together, one we both chose.

Selttan · 28/12/2021 04:25

If it'd been a recent divorce I'd understand but if they've been divorced 20 years how long did his ex actually live there?

I guess from his point of view it's his kids childhood home and also if you bought somewhere new would it make financial sense?

Do you have $ to contribute to buying a house together?

MintJulia · 28/12/2021 04:36

No, don't do it. The fact that he thinks he can ignore your views on your home is a huge red flag.

You'll move in, hate it and then be stuck. Say no thanks, and then see how he reacts.

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