Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you live in your boyfriend’s ex marital home?

111 replies

IsThosAMistake · 27/12/2021 23:25

Children are long grown up and he’s been divorced 20 years. We’ve been together 2 years and he’s asked me to move in with him.

I currently rent and we are definitely at that stage where living together is the next step in our relationship.

But it is his old marital home. His ex wife instigated the divorce and moved in with OM so he kept the house.

I don’t know if I can do it though, I already feel uncomfortable spending time at his house and so most of the time we are at mine. I definitely don’t want to get to a situation where we get married and continue to live in his old marital home.

I have expressed my concerns to him but it seems this is the one thing that is non negotiable.

AIBU to also think this is a dealbreaker?

OP posts:
essaytwenty · 28/12/2021 19:44

My wife has never lived with anyone else but even being in her parents house, knowing previous boyfriends have been and that she has slept with one of them in the house wasn’t particularly a pleasant feeling

Are people really this insecure?

Candleinthebreeze · 28/12/2021 19:50

@essaytwenty

My wife has never lived with anyone else but even being in her parents house, knowing previous boyfriends have been and that she has slept with one of them in the house wasn’t particularly a pleasant feeling

Are people really this insecure?

I’m not insecure, I would just rather not be in the place where she’s had someone else in bed with her, doesn’t feel too unreasonable to me
essaytwenty · 28/12/2021 19:54

It doesn’t matter where you are, she will still have slept with someone else.

RantyAunty · 28/12/2021 20:05

Has he actually changed anything about the house in the last 20 years?

Furniture? Décor?

He sounds very set in his ways.

Candleinthebreeze · 28/12/2021 20:24

@essaytwenty

It doesn’t matter where you are, she will still have slept with someone else.
No issue with her sleeping with someone else, we have an open marriage and she sleeps with other people regularly, just don’t want to be in a family home where she has been with someone she had feelings for
DiamondBright · 28/12/2021 21:10

@RantyAunty

Has he actually changed anything about the house in the last 20 years?

Furniture? Décor?

He sounds very set in his ways.

We all get set in our ways, moving in with someone when you're older and both used to being the only adult in the house is a very different prospect to setting up a home with someone when you're young and it's all new to both of you.
Why2why · 28/12/2021 23:46

You’ve only been with him for 2 years, most of which has been during the Covid period. You want him to sell his home and buy a house together with you? You barely know each other given the circumstances.

You are better off looking for someone with no significant relationship history and someone who is prepared to move and buy a property with you. Make that clear from the very start of the relationship.

Personally, if I were in his shoes and a man I barely know wants me to move from a financially secure position to buy a house with him because he felt “uncomfortable “ with my past life in my house, I’d be showing him the door. The cost of living, including mortgages are on the rise. Now is not the time to be reducing financial security because someone you know for a short time feels uncomfortable about your history and wants you to plunge yourself into huge financial costs.

Buying a house with someone you know for a short time and shelling out thousands of pounds in the buying and selling process, plus the stress, on account of self-inflicted discomfort, isn’t something I’d even advice my worst enemy to do.

2022beesknees · 29/12/2021 07:40

If you moved in with him would his ex wife continue to visit once a week?

Momijin · 29/12/2021 08:56

Well, my bf lives in his marital home but they've been split 5 years and I don't think about it. I sleep in his bed that he has slept with other women on and he sleeps in my bed where a few of my kids were conceived.

So no, that wouldn't bother me. It has been 20 years. I can't even remember what it was like being with my first born's father and that was 20 years ago and we share a child.

Her stamp/influence is long gone.

LessTime · 29/12/2021 09:32

Not read all the thread.

I think you are being daft - he's been divorced TWENTY years. It's his home. Moving is expensive abs pointless if you like the home you are already in.

liveforsummer · 29/12/2021 11:12

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest in this situation. If I was an OW and the kids were still young then yes but he's been divorced for 20 YEARS and the dc are adults. If this was the only issue it wound to cross my mind tbh. Obviously there are other considerations as to whether it's practical

New posts on this thread. Refresh page