Could you live in your boyfriend’s ex marital home?

[IsThosAMistake]

Children are long grown up and he’s been divorced 20 years. We’ve been together 2 years and he’s asked me to move in with him.

I currently rent and we are definitely at that stage where living together is the next step in our relationship.

But it is his old marital home. His ex wife instigated the divorce and moved in with OM so he kept the house.

I don’t know if I can do it though, I already feel uncomfortable spending time at his house and so most of the time we are at mine. I definitely don’t want to get to a situation where we get married and continue to live in his old marital home.

I have expressed my concerns to him but it seems this is the one thing that is non negotiable.

AIBU to also think this is a dealbreaker?

How receptive is he to you changing the house so that it feels like yours?
What rights would you have here? Is he willing to sell you half the house so that legally it is yours too? Are you going to get married? Have children?
These things are all important to consider when it comes to the house.

I did it for a few years before we moved.

We did change all the decor and some furniture though. It was ok.
The thing that bugged me most is that family never saw it as ours. It was always his. Wouldn't have mattered how long I lived there it would always have been his. Now where we live is ours which feels much more equal.

@TheFormidableMrsC

My ex-h moved into OW's house the minute her husband was killed in an RTA. That was utterly disgusting. I don't think you need to have an issue 20 years later

Jesus, that is sick.

Why do you need to move in? Are you happy the way things are?

Why not buy your own place, even if you do end up living together at least then you will have your independence should you need it.

I have been with my OH 5 years. We have our own houses. It's perfect.

I have, it bothered me to start with but overhauled it (not majorly just a few bits of new furniture and massive clear outs) and not a problem now. Things like painted the front door and diff bedroom, rearranged all the major spaces.

It helped that she never owned it and I’ll shortly be buying in.

Does he have kids because they’re ‘evidence’ as well you know

Completely get why it makes you uncomfortable and that you want a home that feels like yours as a couple on an emotional level i.e. so it has both your things in it organised for both of you and both of you have been excited about moving forward.

I know nothing of your circumstances, but I think it is more common to feel like this if you haven't done it before with someone you are married to. Second relationships on both sides tend to be more practical, so I get it from his side too in the sense that it then becomes more about combining practicality with the chance to build a relationship and less about the excitement of the first time around. It is entirely valid for him not to want to sell up at this point.

If you have not been married before yourself and you feel like this, I would not get into this and go for someone who hasn't done all this before. Again I know I am projecting, but even if I am way off base don't underestimate your feelings they are not going to magically change.

My exh left 7 years ago. Moved in with OW. I remained and remained in former matrimonial home which is a beautiful house that I love. What would I move? I own it, l love it. Current DP and I live here now. Why would he object!

That said, if your concern is financial, that you will put money in and if the relationship goes south be left with nothing, I think that’s a valid concern. It can be overcome if you both have the will to do so, but your financial security is important.

I couldn't do it, I would want a fresh start.

My now dh moved into my home l shared with ex ...we decorated it and bought new furniture- just bricks and mortar imo.

I did it and never felt happy about it. I explained this to my boyfriend (now DH) at the time and we had a long talk about all the pros and cons. Ultimately we decided it wouldn't be fair to uproot his children for our relationship, if we weren't sure it would work long term. So I sucked it up because I'm a grown up and they're just kiddos. But we set a timeline (to move if we were still together) and we stuck to it, fairly closely.

We both sold up and got a place together later on.

So yeah. It can be done but you have to make choices, make timelines, make promises and stick to them. I didn't allow myself to feel resentful in the 2 years we lived in his ex marital home and he didn't string it out after we decided to move on.

If you don't think you can handle 1 single day there, then don't do it. Talk to your partner and don't hold anything back.

@MMmomDD

In my opinion you are being totally unreasonable. And behaving like a spoiled child too. He has a house, a home. He has lived there for a very long time. Most likely longer by himself than as a married man.

You don’t own a house. But instead of being grateful and consider yourself lucky that you met someone who is providing you with one - you are putting forward demands.

You have only been with him for 2 years.
Yet you want him to sell his home and buy you a place so YOU can feel it’s yours?

At worst it’s grabby on your side. At best - you have some insecurity issues over his past. Neither is great, tbh.

I hope he stands his ground. And either you see sense or he finds someone else who isn’t this entitled.

This is put a little harshly, but it's essentially correct. After 20 years it's his home and he's inviting you to live with him. As the Americans would say, do the math: work out the cost of selling his (repeat his) home and him (repeat him) buying another -many thousands of pounds in dead money (estate agent's commission, stamp duty) -how much of that would you contribute? You could easily give it your personal touch -redecorate, buy new bedroom furniture. I am a man, and was in the position of my ex moving out and my buying out her share, then (years later) my later-to-become-wife moving in. She brought nothing with her but huge debts! We never had an explicit discussion on the point of my ex having lived there, but if there were misgivings it became redundant when we married and had children and moved for more space.

'Inviting her to live with him' implies he's bestowing upon her some great favour. Not an equal relationship moving forward in an equal way. The OP might not be bringing with her mountains of debt either. She could well be in a position to contribute her fair share towards buying a house. People don't always rent because they can't afford to buy, but for work reasons or because they are getting to know an area before they commit.

I am divorced. And I live in my former marital home. My kids are still here, but for me even once they leave it’ll be a place where they grew up. I hope one day they’ll bring their own kids here.
If someone after dating for a couple of years started demanding I sell my home and buy them another, just so they feel comfortable with my past life - I don’t think that relationship would have a future. My past shouldn’t have to get erased for any of my new relationships.

I am not saying I can never ever move. But it can’t be forced this way. There is both an emotional attachment to the place where my kids are growing up. And a financial consideration. Moving is expensive.

Yes. We actually bought the same house again, together, a few years later. It was a fantastic house. I loved it and he loved me so no big deal.

@Jsku

I am divorced. And I live in my former marital home. My kids are still here, but for me even once they leave it’ll be a place where they grew up. I hope one day they’ll bring their own kids here. If someone after dating for a couple of years started demanding I sell my home and buy them another, just so they feel comfortable with my past life - I don’t think that relationship would have a future. My past shouldn’t have to get erased for any of my new relationships.

I am not saying I can never ever move. But it can’t be forced this way. There is both an emotional attachment to the place where my kids are growing up. And a financial consideration. Moving is expensive.

Exactly. It’s the attitude of entitlement especially as it doesn’t sound like the OP is offering to shell out financially to buy a new home.

'Inviting her to live with him' implies he's bestowing upon her some great favour. Not an equal relationship moving forward in an equal way.

This. I am surprised at the implication that he is being generous by “allowing” me to live with him. The reality is that his house in a more rural part of the country whereas I rent in a city centre and he stays with me during the week as the pandemic has made it possible for both of us to work remotely.

I actually earn more than he does and have savings that could easily buy my half of a house bought together but this wouldn’t be possible if he is unwilling to sell his house.

We have effectively been living together for the past year or so anyway as we decided to bubble for the second lockdown. It has worked well, we love each other and get on very well on a daily basis. We are both middle aged and know that finding someone special to share your life with is not something that happens every day.

But when it comes to his house he won’t budge.

I would like a fresh start and yes, we have discussed marriage, it’s definitely the direction we are going. But, as I said in my OP, living in his old marital home is a dealbreaker. It doesn’t make sense to me when we could actually buy somewhere bigger and in a better location together.

You’re entitled to your view as he is his. In his shoes your stance would be a deal breaker for me.

It would be madness to buy a house together before you’ve lived together

Are you able to meet half the moving costs and then half the cost of the new house?

If not then you cant ask him to waste a lot of money because of your insecurities. Out of interest if you did move in together how much of his current belongings would he be allowed to bring with him?

Seen your update - fair enough if you can jointly buy somewhere bigger and better thats a practical decision.

But i do find it odd you have an issue over a woman who last lived there 20 years ago.

To the people who would have a problem with this, if it wasn’t the formal marital home but was simply a home they’d lived in for 20 years would you feel the same?

But i do find it odd you have an issue over a woman who last lived there 20 years ago.

I never said I have an issue over his ex-wife. It’s not about her. It’s about his attachment to a house that is preventing us from starting a new life together, in a home that suits us both.

@CliveThighs

I think you're being ridiculous, it's a home he's lived in for decades - he's probably spent longer in it since his divorce (20 odd years?! ) than his marriage lasted. So, no, I wouldn't classify it as a "marital home" any longer, unless he's kept it as a shine to his ex wife for all that time.

From a financial standpoint he's probably paid off the mortgage, or is close to paying it off. From an emotional standpoint he's lived there pretty much his entire adult life and so obviously likes the area, feels settled, etc. I can see so many potential reasons that are perfectly justifiable for him to not want to leave his home.

I think you should give your head a wobble and stop fixating on his past from 20 years ago, look forward to the future.

Exactly this. It's not like she moved out 6 months ago. Or even 2 years ago. It's been 20 years fgs!!! And I definitely wouldn't see it as a red flag that he doesn't want to move. As the above poster has said, he's been there for so long, must like the area etc. It would cost a lot of money to move house now. Maybe suggest some sort of revamp to make it feel a little bit more yours but he has been in it on his own for 20 years remember!!

Years ago now I moved into my now DH’s house that had been the house he’d bought and lived in with his ex-wife. I moved in under the proviso we would buy somewhere else together ASAP (took about 2 years in the end). It was a nice house, but I was never entirely comfortable in a home I knew DH and his ex had chosen and decorated together.

Well his view is his house suits him just fine.
I suspect he thinks he would end up living in a house chosen by you in an area chosen by you.

Anyway if he wont budge and its deal breaker them split up.

This isn't a casual relationship though - she isn't just dating him and demanding he moves house! They are talking about building a life together. It's not very together of she gets no say in where they live. A point blank refusal to even consider if they as a couple might be better off elsewhere, is the odd thing. Especially since he's been living at hers and working from there anyway.

Maybe he could rent it out and you buy a joint place?

OP - you seem to be locked in some power struggle with him.
It’s still has only been a short relationship. More then half of which went on in weird times of lockdowns - where people huddled together.

But you seem so intent on uprooting him from his home. Even if there were no exW in that house - I think you’d still be wanting him to get rid of his place so that YOU could chose a place - in what YOU consider a better area, etc.
This doesn’t seem like a balanced and a fair approach to a relationship. He may not completely understand your desire for a ‘new start’, but you are also completely unwilling to emphasise with him or consider his feelings.

You seem quite different as people. He is happily rural. You are a city person.
He likes to put down roots. You don’t. Given your financial circumstances - it sounds like you could have purchased something on your own - but it wasn’t important.

I am not sure there is a future here. I’d not sell in his place - given how you are. One can’t be in a relationship where all the compromise in the relationship is expected to be one sided.

I think you need to pick the area where you want to live and start dating in that postcode. This would avoid future disappointments.

Alternatively - if you want to stay together - some sort of two house living could be an option. But both of you need to start considering each other’s needs.