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Relationships

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Original poster

Could you live in your boyfriend’s ex marital home?

111 replies

IsThosAMistake · 27/12/2021 23:25

Children are long grown up and he’s been divorced 20 years. We’ve been together 2 years and he’s asked me to move in with him.

I currently rent and we are definitely at that stage where living together is the next step in our relationship.

But it is his old marital home. His ex wife instigated the divorce and moved in with OM so he kept the house.

I don’t know if I can do it though, I already feel uncomfortable spending time at his house and so most of the time we are at mine. I definitely don’t want to get to a situation where we get married and continue to live in his old marital home.

I have expressed my concerns to him but it seems this is the one thing that is non negotiable.

AIBU to also think this is a dealbreaker?

OP posts:

Original poster

IsThosAMistake · 28/12/2021 14:31

I don’t think your post is fair and you make a lot of assumptions @MMmomDD

You are correct though that good relationships require a balance of compromise and consideration for the other.

We cannot afford to buy a house in the city centre but would be able to afford somewhere just outside which would be a longer commute for me but actually closer to his place of work.

He is still friends with his ex-wife and I am happy for the sake of his DCs that they remain so. We all spent Christmas Day together because it was easier that way as they have always done so. I get on well with his adult DCs, and am on cordial terms with his ex.

But the idea of this being a permanent life is very daunting. I would like a fresh start in a new home that we build together where his children are more than welcome but it is our home, whereas living in his old family home I will always be the outsider.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 28/12/2021 14:52

I am making assumptions from your description for the situation.
And your posts keep all being about what you want and feel.
And you haven’t for even a second stopped to consider his feelings or what he wants.

This feeling of being an ‘outsider’ is in your head. Really it is. Yanking him from his home won’t erase his history and his life before you. Which you seem to be intent on doing.

You want ‘your’ house where his kids ‘will be welcome’. You are ‘happy for him to be friends with ex for the sake of kids’ - I am not sure you comprehend how it all sounds.

You keep calling that house an old family home - but it hasn’t been that for more than half of kids life. So it’s really just his home, where kids lived half or their time, at best.

Why do you have this heightened need for him to prove something to you? Why are you so insecure in this relationship that you need these massive statements of his commitment to you over everything else?

TheTrinity · 28/12/2021 14:58

Only you can decide and it will be the right decision for you. As you can see, there are different view points. Personally, I agree with you because I would not be comfortable to live in a former marital home, no matter how long ago the divorce. If the reverse was the situation I would be willing to choose a new home together. Have you talked about why it's a non negotiable for him? Can either of you compromise somehow? If not then it really would be a deal breaker.

Original poster

IsThosAMistake · 28/12/2021 15:22

Thank you @TheTrinity
I am surprised at the number of posters who would happily go along with living in a former marital home but each to their own. The reason for it being non negotiable for him is that he says he has a strong attachment to the past the house represents. I am beginning to see that that is the real issue. Perhaps he hasn’t actually moved on from his old life and marriage, after all he still sees his ex-wife every week for dinner. She comes over and they talk about the children.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 28/12/2021 16:14

He doesn't sound ready to move on, does he. Pity.

Aderyn21 · 28/12/2021 16:23

I don't think you should live with him either. He's too enmeshed with his ex wife and their history.
Would you want her coming over for dinner every week to a house that was hers and isn't really yours, even if you did live there?
I'd throw this one back in the sea

Jsku · 28/12/2021 16:24

OP - are you sure you actually are secure in this relationship. I think you actually don’t think he is committed to you. And you want him to prove it to you by selling the house.

It’s a shame really. As it’s so rare for exes to get along. Weekly dinner may sound strange to many - but I think it’s admirable.
And I am sure their kids went through the divorce with a lot less issues than most other.

It’s too bad that you feel this threatened by their lingering good relationship. As you said - it’s rare to meet someone midlife.
You have, but you can’t see forest behind the trees.

TheTrinity · 28/12/2021 16:31

@IsThosAMistake

Thank you *@TheTrinity* I am surprised at the number of posters who would happily go along with living in a former marital home but each to their own. The reason for it being non negotiable for him is that he says he has a strong attachment to the past the house represents. I am beginning to see that that is the real issue. Perhaps he hasn’t actually moved on from his old life and marriage, after all he still sees his ex-wife every week for dinner. She comes over and they talk about the children.

Erm ... I was afraid his non negotiable reason would be something like this. I'm sorry but this would make me question the basis of the relationship after 2 years. 20 years divorced and he still feels a strong attachment to the past the house represents? To the point of never wanting to move away? It seems he just wants you to fit in with and accept what he wants to continue.

RedBonnet · 28/12/2021 16:36

I couldn't, even after 20 years.

If he's not willing to move to a new home for you both then I'd stay renting.

Everyone is different though so it comes down to your own feelings about it. There's no right or wrong here as it is an emotional thing.

You said you don't feel comfortable visiting, so living there is a definite no.

Original poster

IsThosAMistake · 28/12/2021 16:37

I’m afraid I think that is so too.

OP posts:

Allsorts1 · 28/12/2021 16:41

I think in theory it is fine, however the most important thing is that you don’t feel comfortable there. So you have every right to listen to that and not move in.

I guess one aspect is maybe he doesn’t want to sell family home and move in with you as there is that risk that it doesn’t work out - you’ve never lived together before after all? So I get that.

Is it possible that he rents out the family home - and you both rent somewhere together? If it’s going well after a year or so living together then maybe he will feel more comfortable selling up and starting fresh together!

Onelifeonly · 28/12/2021 16:59

From your comments OP, it seems he is being more unreasonable and showing less willingness to compromise than you. The inability to let go of the past, whilst natural, should really now be overridden by his desire to make a commitment to you. And it sounds as if he can't do that.

I disagree with others that you should try living together first, as it seems you have already almost done this. Have you laid out clearly for him your views on the matter?

It seems really sad to let a good relationship go for this, but if he won't compromise and you don't feel comfortable moving in, then this is what you will have to decide to do.

MMmomDD · 28/12/2021 18:21

I do wonder - if a women posted here:
…’ I have lived in this house for 30 years - 10 as married, rest of the times with my kid and on my own once they grew up. I love the area. I have a good relationship with my ex.
My new bf if two years wants me to uproot my life and move so he believes I am all in’

I do wonder what the advice would be.

But by the way you sound OP - I do think you need to go your own ways. It is likely that your relationship only worked/lasted this long because of lockdown. Many people formed bubbles and relationships that lasted because of the unusual circumstances and limitations we have lived through. These relationships may not survive now that the life is coming back to normal.

CambsAlways · 28/12/2021 18:42

No I wouldn’t do it! I would like us to choose a dif home together, regardless how long ago it was when she moved out! It happened to us when we first met , we both wanted a home that we had chosen together, fresh start, and now been happily married for 38 years

DiamondBright · 28/12/2021 19:05

I would temporarily, but our plan is to sell both our houses (both our FMHs) and to buy a property together, we've both been divorced a long time and we're a bit set in our ways, we need a new home where we decide together how things are done, where things are kept etc. I know if I moved on with him I'd always feel like I was living in his house.

SmallElephant · 28/12/2021 19:10

I'd be fine with this personally. We're all different though.

Frazzled2207 · 28/12/2021 19:13

After 20 years it would be a non-issue for me. If she’d literally just left I wouldn’t be keen.

Regardless I’d want to understand how open he was to having a new woman put her “stamp” on it though

ProudThrilledHappy · 28/12/2021 19:17

Is he planning to still have ex-wife pop by for weekly dinner when you move in? As I imagine that would be quite awkward for you. Given your updates I would agree YANBu to want a fresh start in a more convenient place

Aderyn21 · 28/12/2021 19:30

My advice wouldn't change according to the sex of the poster. Particularly since the adult children aren't actually living in this house so she's not asking little kids to move home! And if a woman said she was attached to the personal history of the home and was still having her ex round for dinner every week, I'd still think they weren't ready to move on.
Everyone has a right to a say in the place where they live. It can't be one person dictating the precise house

Candleinthebreeze · 28/12/2021 19:30

I couldn’t do it, not in a million years.

My wife has never lived with anyone else but even being in her parents house, knowing previous boyfriends have been and that she has slept with one of them in the house wasn’t particularly a pleasant feeling.

Ultimately if somewhere is my hike I need to have chosen it, or jointly chosen it. I wouldn’t want to lay seriously unwell in a bed string at he same ceiling my partners ex has laid staring at, i wouldn’t want the same view, to be seen as the new partner by the neighbours etc etc

I totally get it OP and I wouldn’t do it

Frazzled2207 · 28/12/2021 19:30

@ProudThrilledHappy

I’d bloody hope not if she’s been gone 20 years

ProudThrilledHappy · 28/12/2021 19:32

@IsThosAMistake

@Frazzled2207 it seems 20 years is not long enough…

Frazzled2207 · 28/12/2021 19:33

Oh fair point I missed that

TricolourCat · 28/12/2021 19:35

I would personally only want to stay there temporarily if at all, if his marriage failed in that building then old behaviours there could be entrenched and better to start afresh in a new place where both of you will feel it is a new chapter in a new place, not a new chapter in a former marital home of an ex.

Runmybathforme · 28/12/2021 19:44

No way would I ever do this, and if he says it’s ‘ non negotiable ‘ that says a lot about him.

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