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Original poster

Could you live in your boyfriend’s ex marital home?

111 replies

IsThosAMistake · 27/12/2021 23:25

Children are long grown up and he’s been divorced 20 years. We’ve been together 2 years and he’s asked me to move in with him.

I currently rent and we are definitely at that stage where living together is the next step in our relationship.

But it is his old marital home. His ex wife instigated the divorce and moved in with OM so he kept the house.

I don’t know if I can do it though, I already feel uncomfortable spending time at his house and so most of the time we are at mine. I definitely don’t want to get to a situation where we get married and continue to live in his old marital home.

I have expressed my concerns to him but it seems this is the one thing that is non negotiable.

AIBU to also think this is a dealbreaker?

OP posts:
Bringonsummer19 · 28/12/2021 04:46

What position are you in financially OP? You say you rent but do you have savings? I wouldn’t like the dynamic of it being his house because of the imbalance of who owns what (not the fact that his wife lived there 20 years ago). Think carefully entering into this. I imagine you’ll pay some sort of rent but you’ll be in a vulnerable position if you break up (but you are now renting etc)

userrname · 28/12/2021 05:24

YABU! Really unreasonable. I can’t believe you even feel uncomfortable spending time there. I hope he sees your jealously and insecurity issues and your sulking tactics and does a runner ASAP.

AgentJohnson · 28/12/2021 05:49

You both are not wrong but it comes down to for whom this is a dealbreaker for. It seems you aren’t ready to move in together if it’s dealbreaker for either of you.

Kbyodjs · 28/12/2021 05:52

I don’t really understand why it’s such an issue when it was 20 years ago

Why2why · 28/12/2021 06:12

OP, is either of you able to afford a new place? You are renting right now. Are you in a financial position to contribute to a deposit, etc for a new home?

And if he has already paid off his mortgage, why should he leave a financially secure position to buy a new place simply because you are uncomfortable that he shared his house with someone 20 odd years ago.

I agree with the poster who said this man needs the get away from you asap. You are highly unreasonable and you really should ponder on why you feel uncomfortable in this situation - 20 odd years ago, almost a generation has pass.

Attictroll · 28/12/2021 06:49

It’s 20 years ago it’s his home not his ex’s- I am not sure why after a 2 year relationship he should sell up. Inviting you in is perfect to test the next stage then get somewhere together- I think you are being unreasonable- and a bit mad for being worried about something that long ago.

GiltEdges · 28/12/2021 07:41

@PersonaNonGarter

No - don’t do it. You will be moving into his life not starting a new one together.

The only possible way to consider it is if he moves out with you while you have the whole place revamped and then you move back in together. Which is expensive but might be possible.

Are you kidding? He's lived there alone for 20 years, I imagine there's absolutely nothing of the ExW remaining there anyway Confused
FreeElf · 28/12/2021 07:48

It’s the power dynamic that would concern me, and that totally depends on the guy. I moved into my ex’s home, and it was always treated like HIS house where he got the final say on everything. We married/had kids and I desperately wanted to move to somewhere we chose together, and build a life together not everything on his terms. This never happened, we split and he still has HIS house. I appreciate other men may be different, but this is a mistake I’d never make again. I want someone willing to build a life with me, not just slot me into their existing life.

invisiblereally · 28/12/2021 07:49

@IsThosAMistake
You're asking him to sell his family home, where his children grew up? For your feelings that his former wife lived their 20 years ago???

Yabvvvvu and selfish

FindingMeno · 28/12/2021 07:51

I would.
Once your things are there it'll feel more like your home.

gannett · 28/12/2021 07:54

It is extremely unreasonable to expect a partner to go through the expense, stress and upheaval of selling their home that they own and are happy in, just because you have weird feelings about their ex from two decades ago.

The suggestion to move out and completely redecorate it is even more bonkers and sounds like territorial pissing.

Most couples I know ended up living together via one of them moving into the other's house (ah London where the property market decides these things for you). I moved into DP's place myself. If your partner is a decent person there's no weirdness about ownership or feeling like a guest, and you put your own stamp on the place naturally by dint of living there.

FinallyHere · 28/12/2021 08:08

Interesting question, with financial and emotional considerations.

Anyone advising would need to understand your relative financial positions first, before considering the options and understanding the impact each might make on the dynamic between you.

It's not ideal to move into someone's existing home but it is probably the least cost approach. It is of course possible to mitigate the downsides by agreeing to redecorate etc.

How important is minimising the costs ? if your financial positions are very different, the imbalance will be deeper than just who moves into whose house and your need to pay attention to this dynamic between you is important too.

Good luck.

Aderyn21 · 28/12/2021 08:25

The OP does have to be grateful that she's met a man who owns a house ffs! This is supposed to be a relationship of equals, not a relationship where one party has to feel beholden to the other because they've put a roof over their head! And doesn't benefit the OP anyway because she's hardly homeless - moving in with a man who owns everything puts her in a more vulnerable position than maintaining her own home, even if it's rented.

That he won't even entertain the idea of moving is what would worry me. What else will he be inflexible on? Will she be allowed to redecorate or move the furniture? OP might not want to live in his children's family home and is it not more important that she is happy in where she lives? This could be a costly mistake, where OP gives up her own security and ends up feeling like a guest in his house.

Kookookachuu · 28/12/2021 08:25

I think you’re being absolutely ridiculous. He’s owned that home for years, raised children there and he left his wife 20 years ago. I think you’re being very insecure, everyone has a past.

IcedAbstinente · 28/12/2021 08:26

@Beamur

I live in my DH's former marital home. Doesn't bother me at all. It's a good house in a lovely area and I've been happy here. I didn't know DH while he was with his wife so it's only ever been DH's house to me. YABU to generalise, but it's obviously an issue for you.
Exactly the same with me.
gannett · 28/12/2021 08:30

That he won't even entertain the idea of moving is what would worry me

Why on earth should he have to move out of his own home? Selling, buying and moving house are not things you do on a whim. It's a very stressful process.

AlternativePerspective · 28/12/2021 08:39

That he won't even entertain the idea of moving is what would worry me why? If a man insisted I sell a house which I probably owned mortgage free after several decades of living in it, and shelling out for solicitors, searches, deposits, surveys and stamp duty just so they didn’t have to live somewhere someone else had lived 20 years ago I’d think they were deranged and would think I’d had a lucky escape when I got rid.

The entitlement of some people never ceases to amaze me.

FWIW my eXH’s DP moved in with him into a house we’d lived in for about 2 years. Actually I’m not even sure it was that long, but still, it was the marital home none the less. They’ve been together for years now, far longer than I lived there.

I know they did try to sell it once, although I’m not sure whether it was so she could move out of what she perceived to be my house or whether it was so they could move somewhere else, but they couldn’t sell it and so they’ve stayed there.

@GregTheEgg if your dh’s ex was napping in his bed/doing the decorating/popping by to put up the Christmas tree and he was allowing it then tbh I don’t think that she was the problem.

Chasingsquirrels · 28/12/2021 08:43

It doesn't really matter what anyone else would think, if YOU are already uncomfortable spending time there then YOU are likely to find living there very difficult.

Late DH moved in with me into my former marital home, he appeared to be fine with it. I wanted to get somewhere together that was ours but we never found anything that was worth moving for.
Current DP now spends weekends with me in the same home, so has the exH and late-DH issue! Again he doesn't appear to be bothered and says he isn't.

gannett · 28/12/2021 08:48

It's possible that if OP is renting, she doesn't realise what an almighty arse buying and selling property is.

AlternativePerspective · 28/12/2021 08:52

It's possible that if OP is renting, she doesn't realise what an almighty arse buying and selling property is. agreed. But that is not being helped by posters coming on here and suggesting that he’s selfish for not wanting to go through it, and that refusing to sell his home of over 20 years and shell out another £15k or so for a new house is a red flag.

Aderyn21 · 28/12/2021 08:59

It's not unreasonable entitlement to want to live in a home you helped to choose and feel comfortable in. Or to not want to live in someone else's house. These are perfectly normal things.
He's not doing her a massive favour in asking her to move in - this is a next step in them building a life together. Her moving into his house is just her moving into his life, not them moving onto a new life as a couple in an equal relationship.

Yes, moving is a pita and expensive. But it's sometimes necessary - some people would be perfectly happy living in his house but OP isn't one of them and do he's going to have to decide whether his house is more important or his long term future with the OP. If saving the money on moving is his priority, then this isn't a man she should be tying herself to.

BlueCupOrangeCup · 28/12/2021 09:01

If I were your partner OP I wouldn't move either.

You are being unreasonable.

BlueCupOrangeCup · 28/12/2021 09:03

Can I say though - you would not be unreasonable to break up with him over it. It is your choice after all.

Just as its his choice to not sell his home and she'll out £kkkkk

Livandme · 28/12/2021 09:05

Op, where were you living 20 years ago?
In a different place in a different life no doubt.
Everyone has history and given its 20 years ago when I'm presuming you didn't know him and see her living there etc. I'd say it's time to move in but put a few changes in place.

spotcheck · 28/12/2021 09:15

I've lived in my 'marital home' in the 10/12 years since my ex moved out.

Paid all the bills, did all the repairs, upgraded the boiler, refurbished a few rooms.
It's MY house.

I think you're being overly sensitive.