DP getting worse and worse

[Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy]

Hi so I have a DP we've been on and off for years now, we have 1 DC together and I have a DC from a previous relationship.

DP suffers bad mental health, he mostly feels low/sad, he gets angry over small things and then starts shouting and belittling and in the past has called me names on a regular basis and I have no doubt it will happen again, the only reason we were on and off is because any argument he would pack his stuff and go.
Anyway back to my main point, he's getting worse, he is speaking delusionally, he's a conspiracy theorist (nothing overly wrong with that) but he now believes certain people are AI (Artifical intelligence) who are in his life to suck all his energy, he believes his parents are AI and he has even suggested I might be one too because I don't understand him, I don't listen to him (I do but he doesn't see it apparently), to him every person on this planet who are negative are AI (something I imagine he's watched on bitchute website), he's incredibly paranoid that if he gets therapy they will use his medical records against him at a later date (I've told him they don't and that they aren't allowed to do that, he says I'm too trusting of them (them being the mental health professionals and the doctors/nurses in all medical professions)
He believes he's got truama from his upbringing but refuses to talk to his parents about it (or a therapist) he refuses medication as well.
He was suicidal last night and wouldn't allow me to call an ambulance or the police to do a welfare check saying if I did he would hate me forever and because our DC is with him and his parents for a few days SS would of been contacted which he said would then ruin his life even more and he'd actually do what he was saying he wanted to do.
Eventually he calmed down enough to go to sleep but kept saying he was leaving in the morning (running away) I've explained that running away doesn't solve anything etc and that he really needs to get help but he point blank refuses and as tempting as it is to send the therapy forms off in his name behind his back I know I can't do that. His parents don't really seem to care, or maybe they do but since he won't get help they've given up trying I don't know 😕

He's acting really unstable at the moment, he does have a weed and alcohol problem, in which he smokes weed and drinks alcohol every evening and it is becoming an issue (more so the alcohol)

He himself is becoming more and more delusioned/paranoid and depressed and anxious as the days go by, he flits from wanting to be a dad to wanting his old life back and speaks at times like he almost regrets our child together, because we can't do things because we have kids. The funny thing is, he does whatever he wants anyway and I'm the one looking after the kids. Our relationship is grossly unequal in every single way, but that's a whole other thread.

My question is how the frick do I get him to accept the help he desperately needs when he's so paranoid and delusional about the very people trained to help?

I'm in the throws of compassion fatigue if I'm honest.

Ruin his life.

Well, as he sees it at the moment, anyhow. Call for help, as if he means it when he threatens it, he needs it and if he doesn't mean it, he won't do it to prove a point, will he?

It's the only way you can fully protect your child and, whether he likes it or not, him.

"My question is how the frick do I get him to accept the help he desperately needs when he's so paranoid and delusional about the very people trained to help?"

You don't. You walk away before he drags you and your kids down with him further into his pit. Do not keep acting as his rescuer or saviour here; neither approach works. He does not want to be rescued and or saved and you are in no position either to help him. What can you realistically do re him (nothing is the short answer to that question) other than save your own self and your kids from this awful existence with him.

How is it that you and he actually got together in the first place; were you in a bad place yourself when you met?. This man is further now wreaking your already inadequate boundaries and likely targeted you also.

His MH issues are not a hall pass to treat you so very badly. Abusive men also sometimes cite depression and or anxiety as reasons or justification to treat their partner abusively. He is also self medicating with both alcohol and drugs; this only means further bad news for you because you are and will all be on the receiving end of that too.

He needs to be out of your day to day life permanently, no ifs or buts about it. Your children are being affected markedly by seeing all this parental dysfunction going on around them; what are going to be the overriding memories of their childhoods?.

I would also think you are very much both trauma bonded and codependent to this man; both emotional states will only serve to further drag you down.

Kids come first here - situation is too damaging and harmful for them and that HAS to be your priority. He needs urgent intervention and specialist care that you can’t provide. He also needs to live elsewhere.

Sorry you’re going through this but please act quickly.

You ruin his life. You do that before he does something that ruins your kid's life.

You should have called the police.

If you have any of that communication in text, email etc keep it and use it to make changes to his parental rights. He is not safe to be in charge of your child.

Would his own parents help you?

Remember when you do this you aren't punishing him. You are trying help him and to safeguard your/his child. Something he would do if he were not ill.

Be proactive. Hard as it is, be the one that starts a change. Your kids deserve that.

I'd like to add we don't live together and I have no intention of doing so again for an extremely long time (if ever) because as I put before the relationship is grossly unequal and that includes financially but that again is a whole other thread.

I prioritise my children over everything and everyone, however I have seen the devastation suicide causes (my eldest childs father did it) I don't want the same for my youngest child

When we met I was in a bad place mentally but I've since dealt with that and gotten out of the hole. Difference is I accepted the help and proactively went looking for the help he refuses.

His parents and me don't actually get on well past the fake civil show we have to put on in front of the youngest, we used to but I quickly learnt that they were narcissistic.

I don't want to punish anyone, I want to help him as its my nature to help people and I hate seeing people in distress more so when I actually know the person. I don't want to ruin his life and I don't want to hurt him or cause him pain. It's a catch 22 because I firmly believe that if your going to commit suicide you won't tell a soul (like my eldest child's dad) and if your shouting it from the rooftops your not going to do it but there's a niggling doubt that he may well do it.

Saying that he's decided today that he needs to get rid of all negative people so apparently I'm going to be one of those, he thinks the 'higher ups' are forcing negativity on him to keep him from 'waking up' I dunno, I'm as confused as anyone else about it. He wants everyone to align with him, he won't align himself with others just the ones who align perfectly with him. Whatever that means.

He is severely mentally ill, and had lost touch with reality.

Whether or not he accepts it, you need to start protecting yourself and your child.

Run. With your child.

Men who talk like this are capable of violence.

Please ensure your own safety and that of your child.

Then 'ruin his life' by calling for help.

Thats a comfort you don't live together. You can’t help him and you’re only damaging yourself by trying. Its not unkind to walk away - he’s more likely to ask for help without you as a safety net.

He sounds very ill, and needs help. But you can't force him to accept it.

You l should have called the police, I think that's the only way he is going to get help, and then only if he meets the threshold to be committed.

You say he smokes weed regularly? That can cause extreme paranoia and delusions. I have experience of a friend who suffered with this as a young adult. Thankfully stopping weed helped him a lot, although he's still not 100% a decade later.

My worry if I were you is how will you safeguard your DC if he has them when you aren't there? What if he decides DC is AI?

He’s clearly very unwell OP and if he doesn’t accept he needs help, the best you can do is protect your child. Which means setting boundaries - perhaps that he is not allowed around his child while he is unwell and refusing help as this could be scary and even damaging for DC. It may mean he is not allowed in your home and you may need to meet in a park/public place instead. And if he talks about imminent suicide again, call an ambulance/police for welfare check if you’re not with him. It will not “ruin his life” he might have half a chance of getting help if someone intervenes in a crisis. If SS do get involved, you will also need to show that you are doing what you can to protect your child.

It sounds to me that there's a possibility he should be sectioned for his own safety (you talked about him threatening suicide), and for the safety of others.

Have you tried talking to his GP. Whilst the GP can't discuss his treatment with you, they will listen.
Or write the GP a letter/send an email.

"I don't want to punish anyone, I want to help him as its my nature to help people and I hate seeing people in distress more so when I actually know the person".

You are not punishing anyone but your own self and in turn your children here by doing this. What are you yourself teaching them about relationships?.

You are trauma bonded to this man and patently not qualified to help him. People who are people pleasers sometimes become so by learning to become a parent pleaser.

Its more than ok to help your own self here; after all we are told to put on our own life vest first before helping others. You're not protecting either yourself or your DCs here by being in any form of contact with him. Your relationship has been on/off for years because fundamentally it is broken and always has been broken.

I do worry immensely to the point my hair is actually falling out. I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to keep contact going for him and our DC and the safety net is that DP lives with his own parents who do the majority of watching DC, they've already threatened me with court if I cease contact and they will pay the thousands in court costs/solicitors and I unfortunately don't have the luxury of thousands of pounds stashed away.

As for speaking to his GP I don't actually know who is GP is now. When we lived together he had the one I'm at but he's moved back in with his parents who live in a different area so different GP.

If he starts talking like this again il be calling the ambulance or the police not overly sure in this instance which one is best and I don't want to waste their time with the wrong service.

Our DC is coming home to me today.

Please go and get your child back. He is in no state to look after them. Why did you let a man who has a problem with alcohol and drugs take your child to his parents. I hope he didn’t drive there. He needs help and not from you. If he won’t engage with professional services then walk away. You need to protect your DC from him or they will grow up to resent you for allowing them to be around this man.

Gotcha. No wonder you’re so stressed. The kids can’t go stay with him and that’s that. His parents can threaten as much as they want, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is seriously delusional and a real risk to their grandchildren.

In the short-term, you could initiate a conversation with them… start by reassuring them that you won’t be excluding them from your children’s lives but that the current living and visitation arrangement leaves them in harm’s way. Write everything down he’s said and done to worry you with dates and times if that’s feasible. Screenshot any messages, texts or emails. Tell/show them what he’s been doing and saying to you and ask them to work with you to make sure the children are protected. He is their problem, but the children are yours, so focus on that. This needs to be an intervention for the children, not for him - that’s up to his parents to figure out. The kids do not stay at their house until this is resolved. He is too unwell to be around them at all. This needs to be non negotiable and any contact he has with them moving fwd HAS to be supervised by an official agency (and even that could be harmful if he’s displaying signs of mental illlness) - his parents don’t qualify.

If they’re not willing to see sense and work with you, then more fool them. Next option is social work - you need to call the local (children/families) office and tell them that he’s having a mental health crisis and you are profoundly concerned about the children staying there. Again, have everything he’s doing and saying written down and screen shotted just in case. You could also phone adult social care and express a concern that he’s at risk of self harm - they can access his GP if they feel its severe enough.

How old are the children? Are they displaying any warning signs of being affected? Talk to their GP about getting them help if so.

You need to take control of this situation to ensure your children never stay at his house again. You’re going to have to get tough here and not be destabilised by his parent’s threats of legal action.

Erm, putting all that to one side, where is your child atm?

PS you need to block his number so you’re not the one dealing with his suicidal ideations or mental health breakdowns. All contact needs to be in writing so emails are best way fwd here - then you have evidence should you need it.

I don't think you should be allowing him contact with your child whilst he is in this state. He's potentially dangerous, certainly a danger to himself. Your child should not be in the middle of that.
It's time to get tough. Speak to the police, tell them he's suicidal and delusional and let them sort out support for him initially. Then you really need to back off, keep yourself and your DC out of this situation, and hopefully move your life forward and away from him.

Perhaps this is the time to stop being on and off. Just be off and stay off. You can't help him and you've been sucked into this warped world he lives in. It's not healthy for you and it's not healthy for a child to be exposed to. I think you need to stop access and tell his parents why. Then tell him you can only speak to him if he gets help.

I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to keep contact going for him and our DC and the safety net is that DP lives with his own parents who do the majority of watching DC, they've already threatened me with court if I cease contact and they will pay the thousands in court costs/solicitors

Grandparent don't actually have rights to take parents to court over contact. You can offer contact for them but away from their DS as he is clearly not safe to be around him at the moment.

After trying to help my ex for over 11 years I had to cut my losses, put my children first and walk away the day my then 11 year old dd asked me why daddy was abusive.

I thought I had shielded them so well
and compensated.

I hadn't. They're damaged and I should have done it years earlier. I think I will always carry that guilt.

The only one that can help him is him. He doesn't want to do that so get the hell out.

Two years later my amazing children are coming back to me but we will always have scars. All of us. I should have been a far better mother and stopped it sooner. Don't make the same mistake.

His parents can do sod all in court for contact if the courts deem him unsafe, don’t worry about that. They can throw money at it all they like. It’s not their place to fight for it, it’s his.

On that note, what I would recommend you do is start the ball rolling with ringing police etc so that incidents regarding his mental health are recorded. It might not be the exact help he needs or wants, but in the interests of your child’s future care and safety I’d want to start getting official professional reports of him recorded.

Get your kid, get them away from him and his parents, phone the police/SS whoever. He is dangerous, they can’t see that. Document everything, save texts and voicemails. If he is seen to be a danger, then SS won’t let kids be in contact with parents facilitating contact.
Fucking run.

You know what you need to do. You just don't have the strength yet. Please seek help yourself to find the strength.