DP getting worse and worse

[Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy]

Hi so I have a DP we've been on and off for years now, we have 1 DC together and I have a DC from a previous relationship.

DP suffers bad mental health, he mostly feels low/sad, he gets angry over small things and then starts shouting and belittling and in the past has called me names on a regular basis and I have no doubt it will happen again, the only reason we were on and off is because any argument he would pack his stuff and go.
Anyway back to my main point, he's getting worse, he is speaking delusionally, he's a conspiracy theorist (nothing overly wrong with that) but he now believes certain people are AI (Artifical intelligence) who are in his life to suck all his energy, he believes his parents are AI and he has even suggested I might be one too because I don't understand him, I don't listen to him (I do but he doesn't see it apparently), to him every person on this planet who are negative are AI (something I imagine he's watched on bitchute website), he's incredibly paranoid that if he gets therapy they will use his medical records against him at a later date (I've told him they don't and that they aren't allowed to do that, he says I'm too trusting of them (them being the mental health professionals and the doctors/nurses in all medical professions)
He believes he's got truama from his upbringing but refuses to talk to his parents about it (or a therapist) he refuses medication as well.
He was suicidal last night and wouldn't allow me to call an ambulance or the police to do a welfare check saying if I did he would hate me forever and because our DC is with him and his parents for a few days SS would of been contacted which he said would then ruin his life even more and he'd actually do what he was saying he wanted to do.
Eventually he calmed down enough to go to sleep but kept saying he was leaving in the morning (running away) I've explained that running away doesn't solve anything etc and that he really needs to get help but he point blank refuses and as tempting as it is to send the therapy forms off in his name behind his back I know I can't do that. His parents don't really seem to care, or maybe they do but since he won't get help they've given up trying I don't know 😕

He's acting really unstable at the moment, he does have a weed and alcohol problem, in which he smokes weed and drinks alcohol every evening and it is becoming an issue (more so the alcohol)

He himself is becoming more and more delusioned/paranoid and depressed and anxious as the days go by, he flits from wanting to be a dad to wanting his old life back and speaks at times like he almost regrets our child together, because we can't do things because we have kids. The funny thing is, he does whatever he wants anyway and I'm the one looking after the kids. Our relationship is grossly unequal in every single way, but that's a whole other thread.

My question is how the frick do I get him to accept the help he desperately needs when he's so paranoid and delusional about the very people trained to help?

I'm in the throws of compassion fatigue if I'm honest.

Haven't read any replies but I have been through this. You need to get him to a doctor or A&E.
If he won't go, is there a local mental health charity you can call?
He needs to be sectioned. It will be the best thing for him as they will administer medication and keep him there until the delusions calm down.
It's awful but with the right help, he can come through it. My partner did.

Can you call crisis team to ask for advise?

I really don't understand why you are leaving your child with someone who is clearly in the throws of psychosis??

He does sound mentally ill but he also sounds like a manipulative abuser who is using your past against you.

I really think you should end the relationship for yours and your child's sake, and I hope one day you see that too.

This didn't all come to a head until last night, so whilst I appreciate what you are saying about him watching our child I also didn't realise the situation was this bad until last night (late hours last night)

I think at this point I'm too exhausted to keep trying to help him and get him better. I can't do it anymore.

Grandparents have no right to take parents to court he would have to do that himself. You can and should stop contact whilst he is in this state, put everything in writing, keep a diary of his behaviour and keep all correspondence.

Do not be afraid of the process of going to court, you can self represent, it's very common. I very much doubt a judge would grant him unsupervised access whilst he is this unwell and refuses to engage with help. The court system is there for the interests of the child.

I'm so sorry your having to deal with this OP

I've had similar issues with a sibling. Unfortunately the line I was repeatedly given when I voiced my concerns and tried to seek help on their behalf was that unless they were a danger to themselves or others they had to ask for help themselves, which was never going to happen. 3 years on, they were eventually admitted to a psychiatric unit and diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. They no longer speak to me as I am apparently one of 'them'. They also refuse to engage with any mental health professional beyond the basic they need to do to be allowed out.

If at any point you think he is seriously going to hurt himself or others you need to report it. He may not appreciate it but from the sound of things his mental health is already deteriorating rapidly. You also need to look after yourself. Charities like Mind might have some helpful advice and links.

It's not gonna be an easy road but hopefully he will eventually get (and accept) the help he needs.

I'm not trying to be nasty OP, forgive me for being blunt💐.

I understand from personal experience how harrowing it is to have a partner take their own life, so I totally get it that you're scared of history repeating itself but I honestly think he's using this against you.

The question shouldn't be how you can help, it should be how to protect your own mental health and child. You've worked hard to heal yourself mentally and have moved on, don't let this drive to help others overtake your own welfare.

I don't think you should allow unsupervised contact, or allow him in your house tbh.

Is your child with him?

My question is how the frick do I get him to accept the help he desperately needs when he's so paranoid and delusional about the very people trained to help?

Why would you expect a mentally person to make this kind of assessment? If he's really far gone, he won't be able to.

He is really, really ill. At the very least, you need to make an appointment with his GP, talk to them alone without him and explain the situation. If you don't know who that is, call 111 and ask them for guidance on that. If he talks of suicide again, you call 999.

No wonder your hair is falling out.

With the way he's talking about AI, I don't think she's safe to be around OP. Safe for you or for your children. How long is it going to take for him to think of them as simple A.I too? That's they're not his real children and that his real children have been replaced by these A.I little beings? You see where I'm going with this?

The way he's going now he could be sectioned in future.

Sorry, but you are not putting your children first. It is unimaginable that you didn't call the police to ensure the safety of your child last night. Get this man out of your life.

Gotcha. No wonder you’re so stressed. The kids can’t go stay with him and that’s that. His parents can threaten as much as they want, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is seriously delusional and a real risk to their grandchildren.

In the short-term, you could initiate a conversation with them… start by reassuring them that you won’t be excluding them from your children’s lives but that the current living and visitation arrangement leaves them in harm’s way. Write everything down he’s said and done to worry you with dates and times if that’s feasible. Screenshot any messages, texts or emails. Tell/show them what he’s been doing and saying to you and ask them to work with you to make sure the children are protected. He is their problem, but the children are yours, so focus on that. This needs to be an intervention for the children, not for him - that’s up to his parents to figure out. The kids do not stay at their house until this is resolved. He is too unwell to be around them at all. This needs to be non negotiable and any contact he has with them moving fwd HAS to be supervised by an official agency (and even that could be harmful if he’s displaying signs of mental illlness) - his parents don’t qualify.

If they’re not willing to see sense and work with you, then more fool them. Next option is social work - you need to call the local (children/families) office and tell them that he’s having a mental health crisis and you are profoundly concerned about the children staying there. Again, have everything he’s doing and saying written down and screen shotted just in case. You could also phone adult social care and express a concern that he’s at risk of self harm - they can access his GP if they feel its severe enough.

How old are the children? Are they displaying any warning signs of being affected? Talk to their GP about getting them help if so.

You need to take control of this situation to ensure your children never stay at his house again. You’re going to have to get tough here and not be destabilised by his parent’s threats of legal action.

I totally Agee with @Christonabike. An excellent safeguarding plan for your child, and a clear strategy for you, op, to follow. Copy the advice out and refer to it before agreeing any request or making any decisions regarding your child and contact with their father.
There's no way your child should be in contact with ANYONE who is paranoid and delusional imo. It's simply too risky and without wanting to add to your stress or sound dramatic, it could be life threatening to your child.

I could honestly cry, the reason I don't take it up with his parents is because they are self centred, his DM has known since Christmas day that she MIGHT have covid and nobody told me til today and DC is there and he won't bring him back til later and I don't drive and my parents are CEV so can't get DC I need a car and to learn how to drive urgently

There are some red flags here which are quite concerning. Your priority is not to get help for him though as he isn’t your responsibility but to safeguard yourself and your child.

You need a paper trail asap, and a MASH referral. Most professionals can action this so GP, police, womens aid etc.

I am not medically trained but it would seem you are not qualified to help him although you have said that is what you have been doing. He needs professional medical help soon (before it is too late).

Hello, advice from a mental health professional… you have 2 options.

If he isn’t under services (in contact with the community mental health team) your best bet is to find out who his GP is and contact them. They will be able to escalate it in an appropriate way without your involvement.

If you have concerns he is a risk to others or himself you can request a mental health act assessment by ringing up your local adult social care services. Request to speak to an approved mental health professional.

I am very sorry but I feel very frightened for you and your children and I think your priority is making sure you are safe. He does not sound mentally stable. I think you need to put your safety first and his wishes second.

If he is as mentally ill as he sounds, he doesn’t need to agree to treatment. You need to speak to local mental health crisis team and get him assessed. The paranoia and delusional beliefs are massive red flags for schizophrenia. The weed won’t help but this is too big for you to deal with alone

If he starts talking like this again il be calling the ambulance or the police not overly sure in this instance which one is best and I don't want to waste their time with the wrong service

You're overthinking this. You aren't the one that has to make the decision, all you have to do is call 999 when he threatens suicide, explain what's going on, and let the call handlers decide who, if anyone, to send.

Also, it's not your job to try and fix him, you aren't qualified. Leave it to health care professionals. And don't expect him to help himself, he's too unwell. Best thing for him is a welfare check from the Police followed by an assessment in a mental health unit, surely. Your job is to look after yourself, your children, and (if you really want to help him) alert the authorities.

@MMMarmite

He is severely mentally ill, and had lost touch with reality.

Whether or not he accepts it, you need to start protecting yourself and your child.

This in spades , you'll never be able to help him he's to ill . He needs specialist care.

Ignore his parents threats of Court. If they issue proceedings Social Services will be involved and will not agree to the DC being anywhere near him whilst he is so unwell. Grandparents do not have access rights and certainly won’t be able to get custody. You need to stop all contact with him and protect your children. That includes his parents having contact too as they clearly can’t see the problem and aren’t helping.

@Whyyyyyyyohhhhhwhyyyyyy

I could honestly cry, the reason I don't take it up with his parents is because they are self centred, his DM has known since Christmas day that she MIGHT have covid and nobody told me til today and DC is there and he won't bring him back til later and I don't drive and my parents are CEV so can't get DC I need a car and to learn how to drive urgently

Perhaps because of the stigma attached to mental illness, people can fall into enormous amounts of denial about their loved ones' conditions. It sounds as if denial and minimization are at play here too.

I had a friend all through my childhood and teenage years who was like an extra sister. When we went to uni, she developed psychosis. Among other things, she became convinced that I was telepathic and using magic powers to hurt her. She would phone me fifty times in a row in the small hours (no exaggeration) and either tell me she was suicidal and beg for help, accuse me of mind control, or just hang up before ringing again. And again. She was self-harming by cutting, missing all her lectures, and the paranoia was getting worse and worse. I persuaded her to go to the GP, who arranged an emergency assessment. Next day she told me the doctors said she was fine.

What I didn't find out until much later was that her mum had insisted on being present for that assessment and told them that I'd bullied my friend into saying she was ill. That there was nothing really wrong. She also told my friend that she must never admit to mental illness or she would be barred from having a job with children (friend wanted to be a teacher). I nearly went out of my mind worrying about how to get her the help she needed...until I realised it wasn't my responsibility to do that.

You are not responsible for your DP's health. You are responsible for the safety and welfare of your children. You are responsible for your own sanity. The grandparents can't take you to court for protecting these things. They have no legal leg to stand on. You can't control your partner's state of mind, but you can control this.

He is seriously and dangerously mentally ill. He should not be having contact with his children at the moment.

He needs proper, specialised help. You are not responsible for helping someone who is so ill. You would not expect to jump in and treat someone with a spinal injury and there is no way you can treat this.

And ignore his parents.

OP, can you please let us know when you get your DC back from him?