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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How bad is this?

154 replies

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 09:10

Unfortunately when I am in the situation I am finding it hard to see the wood for the trees and would appreciate balanced, neutral advice. My husband has had an anger issue, specifically from when dc was 2.5 so it's going on years.. Sad I spoke up early on, he agreed and said he would get help to stop, he has gone to therapy but not for lomg enough imo and while it is better, I am still wondering am I mad to stay and I am staying very mucj for family life as my own feelings were cut off with it all. Over those years he has kicked a whole in a door, dented a metal bin by kicking, broken a bathroom step by throwing and broken a light switch by thumping it, only the latter in last 2 years, others years ago. Unsurprisingly dc1 has issues with his own emotions and I have probably undermined oh by sticking up for dc at times so it's probably messy in general in his little head. In last 10 days he has been called a fucking brat, a horror, a disgrace and pathetic. Admittedly behaviour was dreadful in these moments but I absolutely hate the language used and it goes completely against my way of bringing up and dealing with behaviour problems.
On the other hand, husband is a hige worker at home and on in general doesba huge amount. His father was a bully to him and I know there is good in him too, which makes it harder. I also know a breakup would be very hard on dc. We have gone to counselling and probably shouldn't hVe stopped. I habe told him i think he needed more but his was very shortlived considering the issues. He has started parenting books and left them unfinished. Ds can be a real challenge with his blow ups and h doesn't lose it every time or anything like it, just to give a balanced pictute. How bad is it from the outside?

OP posts:
arcticfoxed · 27/12/2021 10:49

Staying would be harder on your DC than a breakup.

My father was like this. I really resent my mother for not leaving. I didn’t have a choice and needed her to make that choice for me.

It is bad from the outside and you do need to leave.

As for your DS being a challenge - all behaviour is communication, the difference is that he is a child and your husband is an adult. Your child is reacting to the situation. Your husband is abusive.

I am hiding this thread now because it has really upset me. Please try not to use the excuses you are using. You really are right to leave.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 11:18

Thank you. I don't mean to make excuses, I just wanted to be balanced rather than drip feed along the way.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 11:39

In last 10 days he has been called a fucking brat, a horror, a disgrace and pathetic.

You asked how bad it is.

Very bad. Your son is being emotionally and verbally abused, with insults spewed out of anger and specifically designed to humiliate him and make him feel shit about himself.

A "don't fucking do that", for example, is still awful and wrong, but calling him 'a disgrace' and 'pathetic' is next level abusive.

The behaviour in your home meets the threshold of emotional and verbal abuse.

How on earth do you and your arsehole partner think your DS will learn to control his temper and behaviour when all that's being modelled to him by his father is a complete lack of control over his own temper and behaviour? It's ridiculous.

If you stay, it's for the perceived benefits for you (financial stability, not wanting to 'start again' etc) as it's not in your child's best interests to live with someone verbally and emotionally abusing him, or with someone who is modelling incredibly poor self control and anger issues.

You may think that sounds harsh but I think you need a reality check from someone objective.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 11:41

Your son has spent Christmas time being repeatedly abused. That's the reality here.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 11:42

I do need that. Thank you. I am not backing away from hearing it at all. I appreciate it. I sat bolt upright in the night and just thought no.. I am angry with myself that I didn't press it more at the beginning, there were at least 4 admissions and promises that first year of it, while i was pregnant with dc2. I feel dreadful that this time has passed. He will still have them for some of the time of course but I can't live my life with him.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 11:44

How old is DC1?

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 11:44

9

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 11:45

It's as if because he agreed it wasn't OK that I took my foot off. I am not like that at all, the opposite, I am calm etc.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 27/12/2021 11:47

Your son is being abused and unfortunately you’ve been conditioned to minimise it. You need to leave immediately. Your OH is not going ti change and is not taking active steps. This isn’t an anger management problem, it’s an abusive parent one. Your DS may express sadness of course when you leave / split (a child can sadly still be very bonded / loyal to an abusive parent). That’s not a reason to stay. You need to break this cycle.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 11:49

I can't tell you how much I need the certainty in your advice, yes he will be devastated and younger dc heartbroken, they have a totally different relationship.. What do people say to his shared time with them? I will not be there to temper things then.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 11:54

The stark reality is that while both scenarios are unfair on your son, he can either live with an abusive parent 100% of the time (like now) or live with an abusive parent up to 50% of the time (probably much less than that as your 'partner' doesn't sound likely to want 50/50 shared care) and live the remainder of the time in a safe, happy, non shouty and loving home with you.

Would you live with a man who verbally and emotionally abused you? Who called you pathetic and a disgrace? Who was a hypocrite and bollocked you for stuff you did that he does even more and even worse? If not, why is it acceptable for your son to have to do so?

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 11:54

Unfortunately practicalities have turned my head also, I have been doing a lot of caring for my DPs over the last few years and I have relied on him for this. I

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 11:58

Thank you Youvegottenminuteslynn no absolutely I wouldn't take it and i don't get called names, except sometimes that I'm 'lecturing him' and I'm 'unbelievable when I speak up for ds or attempt to smooth things over. Ds hit him last week and threw something at him also. What's also slowed my resolve is the times when things are OK.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 12:07

Thank you Youvegottenminuteslynn no absolutely I wouldn't take it and i don't get called names

So why do you expect your son to 'take it' and get called names?

Why do you think the damage to him, a child, is something remotely acceptable (which is what you're teaching your son by staying, even if you were to say out loud it's not acceptable)?

These are difficult but important questions.

TellMeItsPossible · 27/12/2021 12:08

I stayed far too long with a man who belittled our son, to the point he would cry and ask me why his dad thought he was stupid. After a parents evening with every single teacher singing his praises and the only person who knew our son and didn't appreciate him was his own father... I never let that happen again. Ds is nearly 18 and knows his own mind, has strong personal boundaries and only communicates with his father on his own terms. It's a much better outcome for him, then growing up with poison being dripped into his ears. Your son deserves the same outcome.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 12:10

Ds hit him last week and threw something at him also.

I bet your 'partner' would tell your son that if a bully won't leave him alone, he should hit him to teach him a lesson and show him he won't put up with it. Your son is essentially doing that. He is being bulled by someone bigger and stronger who has absolute authority over him and who has done it many times before and gotten away with it. Your son can't remove himself from the situation so all he can do is sit and take it or fight back. He's 9. How do you expect him to react other than lashing out, when that is exactly what his dad does and is what you enable by staying?

As he moves into tween and teen years this will just get worse and worse.

To be honest, now is an ideal time to leave so you don't then use the excuse of 'he's just started a new school' and you don't have a new flood of boy hormones in a couple of years.

HaggisBurger · 27/12/2021 12:13

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

I can't tell you how much I need the certainty in your advice, yes he will be devastated and younger dc heartbroken, they have a totally different relationship.. What do people say to his shared time with them? I will not be there to temper things then.
I assuming his relationship with your younger DC is different / better. He will use this as evidence in his mind that the issue is your DS - whereas the scapegoat/ golden child is often a dynamic created by an abusive parent. Make no mistake th that BOTH children are being damaged. The guilt of a golden child is v toxic too.
Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 12:13

It's not acceptable and I have always made that clear, and to ds. It is absolutely not. Thank you all you're giving me great strength.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 12:16

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

It's not acceptable and I have always made that clear, and to ds. It is absolutely not. Thank you all you're giving me great strength.
Sorry I know you'll think I'm being mean but no no no you absolutely haven't made that clear to your son. At all. Not remotely. However many times you say out loud that his dad's behaviour is unacceptable, you tell him through your actions that it is acceptable by staying in a relationship with this man.

One of my friends was at the end of her tether with her sister who was in your situation and said to her "you're shagging your little boy's bully" which was a short, sharp, shock for her. She's left him now. Thank god.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 12:35

Well I'm certainly not doing that and haven't in years, as I say my feelings have died completely because of it. My mental health and general energy is low at times and I think it's probably because of all this. He doesn't ever seem to have grasped he's the adult, they're not equal adversaries, which is the way it looks at times. I have spelled it out so many times and I realise now despite promises and best intentions and own childhood, it's not going to change.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 12:40

So what's the plan OP? What can we do to convince you to leave this wanker?

Can you see that now is an ideal time to do it age wise so you don't then use the excuse of 'he's just started a new school' and you don't have a new flood of boy hormones in a couple of years?

EKGEMS · 27/12/2021 13:01

My father was a verbally and emotionally abusive bully-he called my siblings and I all sorts of names from babyhood on up. My mother had anger issues and would put holes in the walls and break things like you describe your partner doing.There was a huge amount of dysfunction in the house and it was a horrible way to grow up. I had to learn how to parent without losing my temper and had to work really hard. My siblings and I suffered so much and believe me your son deserves a home with love and peace and not to be abused.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 13:03

I know it's the typical MN thing of no shit is acceptable, this isn't the whole time by a long shot. What can you say? You're saying it and I'm feeling more resolve and certainty with each post. I'm feeling energised even. I do feel sorry for him as I know he will be bereft, believe it or not.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/12/2021 13:05

I make no apology for this op bt when you chose to bring a child up in a chaotic home, and do nothing as they are emotionally abused, just stay nd let it happen again and again, then you share culpability.

You’re married to an abusive aggressive violent bully. You watch him scare and abuse a small child. You’re still there.

The message to your child is this is ok. And the abuse will be very damaging for them,

DaisyStPatience · 27/12/2021 13:08

You and your children are being abused. Please get them out of that environment. As quickly as you can. Every day you can stop them from being abused is vital.