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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How bad is this?

154 replies

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 09:10

Unfortunately when I am in the situation I am finding it hard to see the wood for the trees and would appreciate balanced, neutral advice. My husband has had an anger issue, specifically from when dc was 2.5 so it's going on years.. I spoke up early on, he agreed and said he would get help to stop, he has gone to therapy but not for lomg enough imo and while it is better, I am still wondering am I mad to stay and I am staying very mucj for family life as my own feelings were cut off with it all. Over those years he has kicked a whole in a door, dented a metal bin by kicking, broken a bathroom step by throwing and broken a light switch by thumping it, only the latter in last 2 years, others years ago. Unsurprisingly dc1 has issues with his own emotions and I have probably undermined oh by sticking up for dc at times so it's probably messy in general in his little head. In last 10 days he has been called a fucking brat, a horror, a disgrace and pathetic. Admittedly behaviour was dreadful in these moments but I absolutely hate the language used and it goes completely against my way of bringing up and dealing with behaviour problems.
On the other hand, husband is a hige worker at home and on in general doesba huge amount. His father was a bully to him and I know there is good in him too, which makes it harder. I also know a breakup would be very hard on dc. We have gone to counselling and probably shouldn't hVe stopped. I habe told him i think he needed more but his was very shortlived considering the issues. He has started parenting books and left them unfinished. Ds can be a real challenge with his blow ups and h doesn't lose it every time or anything like it, just to give a balanced pictute. How bad is it from the outside?

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2021 17:50

Because that is the trick of the abuser - they convince you that they don't mean it, that they are just 'losing control'.

The truth is that they absolutely mean to abuse. It's a choice.

Absolutely this. Because he doesn't call your little boy pathetic / a fucking brat / a disgrace in company does he?

Just behind closed doors.

Because he knows it's wrong and because he CAN control it. So he chooses only to do it in private.

Original poster

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 29/12/2021 17:54

Twice he has done it in his own parents house... My own DM, RIP, also spotted it. Definitely not far under the surface even in company.

OP posts:

emmylousings · 29/12/2021 18:04

Op, I'm worried about you saying you feel sorry for this man. You have got to get past that, because it'll be your Achilles heel. Massive chink in your armour, which he will manipulate, you must face up to this. Maybe his dad was abusive - not your problem - you must protect your kids from him. You need to channel anger and resolve, no sympathy allowed!!!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2021 18:06

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

Twice he has done it in his own parents house... My own DM, RIP, also spotted it. Definitely not far under the surface even in company.

So he's done it twice in your son's life in front of his parents - the fact you remember that number means it must have been really bad.

And in just the 10 days alone before your first post he had done it multiple times in private.

So he is controlling it almost all the time but as you say he can't even do that all of the time as his anger is so close to the surface. He's abusive. An abusive bully who shouts at a little boy and makes him feel shit.

I really hope you can end the relationship and start focusing on healing the damage that's been done to your son ASAP. Some counselling would be really beneficial as he will have internalised both anger and feelings of worthlessness throughout the years.

Original poster

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 29/12/2021 18:06

Don't worry. Children are first. I'm sure you can appreciate the grief at the end of a marriage and the hopes we shared etc. I have made my decision and will do very best to remain single minded as we sort things out. I am very clear now that this is for the best, for all.

OP posts:

Original poster

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 29/12/2021 18:11

Thank you Youvegottenminuteslynn I agree with all you've said.

OP posts:

pointythings · 29/12/2021 18:48

You're allowed to grieve. It's a need I felt too. But don't think the man you have now isn't real, or that the one you married is still there. I married a great guy: funny, kind, clever, a great husband and father. Until he lost his mum and the alcohol got him. The man I divorced was an abusive addict who neglected his kids and wallowed in misery, dragging us along. The man I married wasn't any part of him. Grieve, but also leave.

Original poster

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 29/12/2021 18:53

Ah that is so hard pointy, thanks again. I can't tell you all how much this thread has galvanised me. We have had a minor incident there now, just reactive and intolerant more than angry and he said to me on our own 'Don't you shake your head at me' and gave a different version of events. I said I can shake my head if I want. He said I couldn't He then said Ds has me wrapped around his finger. Isn't it infuriating to think it has never dawned on him that ds behaviour with me is 100 times different? I'm not going to waste anymore energy spelling that out.

OP posts:

pointythings · 29/12/2021 20:21

HeyGirlHeyBoy mine did that too. He expected 100% perfect behaviour from the kids 100% of the time and if that inevitably didn't happen, it meant they were 100% bad and I was a 100% bad parent. There's no coming back from that.

So glad you are planning your escape.

MMMarmite · 29/12/2021 20:30

I'm sorry but yes this is very bad. My mother was similar to him. Could be kind and caring at times, but other times had out of control rages. It has left me with serious long-standing mental health issues as an adult.

One of the worst things was growing up thinking it was normal, since my gentle and kind father had his head in the sand and did not make the abuse stop. If you leave, you will be teaching your child a clear message that this behaviour is not okay, and that he deserves a home which is reliable calm and safe.

Original poster

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 29/12/2021 20:36

I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm not going to tell dc why of course.

OP posts:

MMMarmite · 29/12/2021 20:36

He doesn't ever seem to have grasped he's the adult, they're not equal adversaries, which is the way it looks at times. I have spelled it out so many times and I realise now despite promises and best intentions and own childhood, it's not going to change.

This is insightful. I think my mother, in her rages, seemed to have to the emotional age of a small toddler. Probably due to trauma in her own childhood. It's very sad, but it doesn't negate the harm it did growing up around her.

Original poster

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 29/12/2021 20:52

I'm sorry you went through that. I am raging with myself that I haven't done anything sooner but unfortunately I think I had tongo through all I did to get here now.

OP posts:

MMMarmite · 29/12/2021 21:11

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

I'm sorry you went through that. I am raging with myself that I haven't done anything sooner but unfortunately I think I had tongo through all I did to get here now.

Thanks OP.

It's good that you're doing something now. I have sympathy for you, no one ever expects to end up in this position.

Colourmeclear · 29/12/2021 22:10

I completely understand the sadness you feel for your OH as a child. I empathised greatly with my abuser because I knew his anger was caused by his relationship with his father. It's why I stayed so long.

I saw the good in him but I still cried myself to sleep, I still dreaded hearing his car pull into the drive, I still cried every time he punched something, drove at 110mph or screamed in anger. I still spent all my time trying to control everything around him so as not to set him off. I told him how his anger affected me and nothing changed. I was tired of living on hope and what we could have been. I cried and cried when I left because I believed if he had let me in we would be inseparable but for some people attacking others is all they know and all they will ever know. They need someone to abuse and victimise, it has to be someone else's fault, these kinds of people should not be in relationships but because they need a scape goat they will try anything to stay in one but without really changing because they need to attack someone. I thought by staying I was helping him but I couldn't have been more wrong. It just kept things in the status quo whilst I slowly fell apart.

feelingfree17 · 29/12/2021 23:01

Don’t beat yourself up OP. We all have our dreams of how things should be. It is very difficult to accept when things don’t turn out how we had hoped, coupled with the conditioning and minimising that will have occurred. The time is right for you now, and you can move forward with strength. Had you done it before, you may have wavered, so put your rage aside, and don’t be hard on yourself.

Original poster

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 30/12/2021 08:44

Wow thanks to you both for those posts, I have lots to read and reread.

OP posts:

ElectraBlue · 30/12/2021 09:04

I had a father like that: anger problem, emotionally instable, screaming at me for no reason.

He ended up physically assaulting me out of the blue when I was a teenager, hitting me in the face. Throughout my childhood I was told I was 'dirty', 'twisted', 'lacking in dignity', 'behaving like an animal' and many other and bizarre things.

I was a really withdrawn child and was also bullied at school so it was not even like he was reacting to any misbehaviour/attitude on my part.

My mother never raised a finger to stop him because his violence was never targeted at her, only at me.

This affected me all my life and I went no contact with my parents. I refused to go to my father's funeral.

The point is your kid can't defend himself against his father and this type of behaviour from a parent will affect his self-esteem and so on. Also if you condone the behaviour now, your husband will see it as normal and it might also escalate in the future.

Original poster

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 30/12/2021 10:40

That's terrible electra. I did my best to not condone it and encouraged him to get help but it's going on too long now.

OP posts:

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 30/12/2021 11:12

Hi there
I think your totally doing the right thing. I would also be conserned about the things you haven't witnessed/seen. I'm guessing he looks after the kids alone ? Well unfortunately I'm sure your son has witnessed more emotional abuse than you realize .
Its very easy to live in a situation and not fully realise what's going on. I for one have , my children have witnessed disfunction and abuse from their father. We are now devorced and have nothing to do with him. The family courts also agreed his behaviour was abusive and no contact was granted. The children now live in a safe environment free from harm.

Original poster

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 30/12/2021 22:26

DSis thinks I should get ducks in a row first.. Have a plan etc. Any thoughts on that? She has been fantastic and has felt the atmosphere v much in house she says.

OP posts:

pointythings · 30/12/2021 22:42

Ducks in a row is a good idea if you can do it safely and in not too long of a time. It makes the divorce easier and makes it more difficult for him to hide stuff. But ultimately if you feel unsafe, you run and to hell with the ducks.

Weenurse · 31/12/2021 04:28

Make a plan, seek legal advice.
Have somewhere to go.
Good luck 💐

SortingItOut · 31/12/2021 07:52

Get copies of bank/savings accounts, wage slips, pensions etc

Do you have your own bank account?
If you do can he access it?

Do you have joint savings?

Go and see a solicitor to get advice.

Original poster

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 31/12/2021 08:25

Yes I have my own, he can't access. No joint savings but I have savings.

OP posts:

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