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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How bad is this?

154 replies

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 09:10

Unfortunately when I am in the situation I am finding it hard to see the wood for the trees and would appreciate balanced, neutral advice. My husband has had an anger issue, specifically from when dc was 2.5 so it's going on years.. Sad I spoke up early on, he agreed and said he would get help to stop, he has gone to therapy but not for lomg enough imo and while it is better, I am still wondering am I mad to stay and I am staying very mucj for family life as my own feelings were cut off with it all. Over those years he has kicked a whole in a door, dented a metal bin by kicking, broken a bathroom step by throwing and broken a light switch by thumping it, only the latter in last 2 years, others years ago. Unsurprisingly dc1 has issues with his own emotions and I have probably undermined oh by sticking up for dc at times so it's probably messy in general in his little head. In last 10 days he has been called a fucking brat, a horror, a disgrace and pathetic. Admittedly behaviour was dreadful in these moments but I absolutely hate the language used and it goes completely against my way of bringing up and dealing with behaviour problems.
On the other hand, husband is a hige worker at home and on in general doesba huge amount. His father was a bully to him and I know there is good in him too, which makes it harder. I also know a breakup would be very hard on dc. We have gone to counselling and probably shouldn't hVe stopped. I habe told him i think he needed more but his was very shortlived considering the issues. He has started parenting books and left them unfinished. Ds can be a real challenge with his blow ups and h doesn't lose it every time or anything like it, just to give a balanced pictute. How bad is it from the outside?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 13:14

I know it's the typical MN thing of no shit is acceptable, this isn't the whole time by a long shot.

So?

And it's more than enough of the time, even if once wasn't enough.

In the last 10 days alone, "he has been called a fucking brat, a horror, a disgrace and pathetic".

I'm not sure why you feel the need to qualify this with 'it isn't the whole time'. This issue with his anger started 6.5 years ago. In the last 10 days alone he's said all that shit to your little boy.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 13:26

Yes and that's why writing that down helped as it is absolutely dreadful and he won't have given it a second thought while I am sick about it. No apology needed I know my children deserve better. I jad somehow hoped to avoid them living in separate houses.

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 27/12/2021 13:28

Put your poor child first for once and leave. This sounds like a horrible environment for a young child to grow up in. You will cause your child serious dage by staying

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 13:46

Put your child first for once...
This tone is really unhelpful, just so you know. I have amd am taking on board the comments but making me feel like shit won't help. I would have been gone long ago if I'd only considered myself, wrong as it might bave been I was trying to preserve my children's family and family home.
Youvegottenminuteslynn the plan such as it is... Well I'd love input and to keep posting here if I can. My first step will be to tell him, and that's probably the hardest bit. Then there's the practical stuff, ideally I'd like my children not to have a big upheaval. I have a DParent home nearby which could also be a base. He will absolutely look for 50/50 I have no doubt, certainly at first. I am very grateful that though he has ruptured his own precious relationship with dc1, I am extremely close to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 18:48

Moneywise I should be OK, I work ft and am pretty sensible, that's a massive relief at least. We have a family Christmas outing tomorrow and then I need to tell him. Sick at the thought but think will be OK on the other side. I have good friends and tho family not nearby, bar my DDad who I care for, they will be absolutely supportive. I don't think I will be too open with details and I am wondering what best to say to dc..

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 19:31

Why wouldn't you be open with details? You need them to support you in leaving, so you need to tell them why you're doing so. Otherwise they'll likely persuade you to stay as they won't understand why you're leaving... why don't you want to be honest with them?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 19:33

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Why wouldn't you be open with details? You need them to support you in leaving, so you need to tell them why you're doing so. Otherwise they'll likely persuade you to stay as they won't understand why you're leaving... why don't you want to be honest with them?
To be clear, I'm saying you need to be honest with your friends and family. Not that you should have adult conversations with your children in the first instance. But your friends and family you absolutely need to tell so they can provide appropriate support and not guilt / persuade you into staying.
GrazingSheep · 27/12/2021 19:49

Your child will need a lot of help to undo the damage that has been inflicted on him.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 20:09

Well I suppose I would trust my siblings anyway. I don't want people in general yo know mine and my children's business. I have told my family already that I haven't been that happy and I think they've seen it for themselves also so don't think there will be a huge surprise..

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 20:13

On the plus side, we are so separate that i don't think either of the dc will miss us 'together' apart from just not having us both there but it was there in body only. It will probably be an all-over healthier atmosphere once we get ourselves sorted.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 27/12/2021 20:21

@HeyGirlHeyBoy - I mean this kindly - but subconsciously not revealing the details of what’s been going on with at least one or two trusted friends or family can be a way of giving yourself an out. Consider that once youve told someone you are committed to seeing this through.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 20:25

Thank you. I have told both my DB and Dsis about some of the behaviours before and harshness but not specific name calling. I have just contacted my other DSis now, overseas, and have let her know situation. Luckily first DSis is neaby over next few days so I will have her support. My stomach is sick.

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Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 20:30

I suppose I feel if siblings had given the definitive response you all have, I'd have been out quicker (tbf only told DB a few months ago) but understandably, they see us a long standing couple, know his good side etc. But at same time I don't think they will persuade. Despite everything this is still a very difficult decision and I am very sad about it.

OP posts:
nzeire · 27/12/2021 20:31

You are right, no one needs to know your business, it would be awful for your kids too. But agree, tell a couple of trusted friends so there is no going back, they won’t let you.
Don’t listen to the harsh comments, you are amazing, you can and will don’t this in a respectful and kind way that fits you. Your husband needs some serious help and I hope this is the kick he needs to get it
You sound lovely, all the best x

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 20:54

Thank you for thay solidarity. Very much appreciated. Flowers

OP posts:
FrancescaContini · 27/12/2021 20:55

It’s really really atrocious. It’s an abusive environment.

Greensmoothie1 · 27/12/2021 20:59

If you stay then your ds may end up like his dad. Just like how your “d”p is like his violent dad. It’s a vicious cycle. How old is your ds? He probably needs some counselling. You don’t want him to think the behaviour displayed by his male role model are normal ways to treat women and dc.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 21:03

Thankfully he has some other wonderful male role models also which I hope will be a buffer of sorts. His other Grandad is gentle personified and he is close to him.

OP posts:
feelingfree17 · 27/12/2021 21:08

You know what you have to do.
You will find you have far more strength than you ever thought. Just getting away from him will be so beneficial in so many ways. Financials are not a problem, and it sounds as though you have great support.
I wish you well, and a happy future ahead.
You can do this 💐

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 21:12

Thank you. Financially it won't be a breeze by a long shot and we will have to do without a lot of luxuries but I feel lucky to have a secure job that should mean it will be OK. The human part of it is hard. I know the good side too and I know the childhood he had but I cannot fix it. I tried to support and help and advise but all for naught.

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HaggisBurger · 27/12/2021 21:13

Good luck op! Stay strong.

KissedintheDark · 27/12/2021 21:37

You can only do your best, op.
Take heart that it will get better once you are out
and are in charge of your own ship.

Flowers
nzeire · 27/12/2021 22:02

You love him, you married him, you had children with him, you want him to be ok. That’s why it’s so hard. You’re a human being, people seem to forget this.

lisaandalan · 27/12/2021 22:29

If you don't want to leave, explain to him again about his behaviour ask him to attend longer term therapy and maybe send your son too, before it gets any worse. X

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 27/12/2021 22:29

Thank you all.

OP posts: