DH posting pics of our family on FB and hiding them from us

[WhitePolarBear]

I am quite a private person and rarely post pics of myself online. I'm a bit overweight and rarely like pictures that are taken of me.
We have two young adult DCs (18 & 21) who also HATE having pictures of them posted anywhere.
DH knows this. It has been discussed before.
Because of previous experiences it is hard to get the DCs to agree to any family photos ever.
On Christmas Day insisted on taking a photo of us in front of the tree. One DC specifically said "you're not going to post this anywhere are you?" and DH said not and 'it was just a record for the family'.
I didn't see it afterwards, but was busy cooking and probably was red-faced and shiny etc in the photo.

Today I got a message from a friend (also friends with DH on FB) saying 'nice photo of you all on DH's page - haven't the DCs grown' etc.

When I asked him about it, DH:

• denied posting a pic
• then said it was just one
• denied ever saying he wasn't going to post any of the pics he took
• said the reason I hadn't seen it was because of 'the FB algorithms'
• eventually showed me that he'd posted two photos
• admitted that he'd changed the privacy settings so that the DCs and I wouldn't see them (I,e, All friends EXCEPT me & DCs)
• Told me it was his 'right' to post pictures of 'his' family
• Refused to accept that there was anything wrong with what he'd done
• Claimed it was my fault for being so controlling
• Claimed he HAD to do it this way because he knew 'we'd make a fuss'

He kept trying to argue it was my fault until I calmly told the DCs and asked their opinion and they were both angry with him too.

I am really upset. Probably less about the picture than I am about the lying and deception. He has done things like this before and we have had arguments about 'white lies' and me feeling I can't trust him.

[billy1966]

@WhitePolarBear

And the comment about it being 'his' right to post pictures of 'his' family gave me the creeps really - as if he somehow owned us and our preferences counted for nothing?

You are dead right to have that reaction.

He has "rights" to fxxk all.

I would be apoplectic at my husband disrespecting mine and our childrens wishes.

His efforts to do so are shocking.

Is this really completely out of character or does he have a problem of disrespecting his family.

The length he went to means he is a untrustworthy little shit.

YANBU

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

[quote Gildedbrooks]@RedBonnet you're making a Christmas photo of a family about boundaries. I'll excuse you for having boundaries of course, but the ludicrous sanctimonious nature of your tone? Less defensible. But we can agree to disagree , that's the beauty of this 😊[/quote]
Yes. Of course it’s ludicrously sanctimonious to expect your husband to not lie to your face and deceive you about something you feel strongly about. Oh, and your children too!

Facebook likes are worth so much more

[mbosnz]

I'd love to post more photos of my dd's to FB, but I don't. Because if I take a photo, they'll say, 'you can take a photo, but I don't want it going on FB'. So I promise that and respect that.

I expect anyone taking a photo of me, to give me the same honesty and respect.

I'd be fucking ropable.

[Gilda152]

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken
yes...being proud of your family and your family being so opposed to and criticial of images of themselves they censor that to the point that he's got to lie about sharing a photo of his own wife and children - what a arsehole that guy is...yeet him in the nearest river!!


Come ON

[WhitePolarBear]

@SportsMother
OP has obviously modelled behaviour to his children that one should be hypercritical of oneself and how one looks in photos.

I’m not sure how you’ve made this massive assumption, but it’s wrong!
The “children” are young adults (and not just ‘his’ either ) and perfectly capable and happy to post their own pictures on their own social media channels, but the difference is that they get to choose and control the images of themselves. As I said in my OP, we have had issues with DH over this sort of thing before - in the past he has posted pictures of people opening birthday presents in their pyjamas or photos of us all around a swimming pool on holiday, which we didn’t know he had taken with a zoom lens! Strangely he always chooses the group photos which he looks good in, never mind if someone else is stretched at the side of the frame, or caught at an awkward and unflattering angle.

Anyway, by way of an update, the Xmas photo caused such a falling out, particularly with the DCs that he has since removed it and apologised, but it was done begrudgingly and I’m still not convinced he understands the issues about trust and respect. And yes, as other posters have predicted, the DCs have refused to have any photos taken by him since!

[gofigureit]

He's bang out of order, I can't believe he actually done that...it seems absolutely insane to me, Facebook does seem to have a lot up answer for that people think it's more important feeding Facebook than respecting your families wishes about their images.

Crazy!

[houseonthehill]

Hang on... are you all in a Witness Protection Programme, and he doesn't know?

[Ohmycron]

@sassbott

I hate SM with a passion. And you have every right (as do your adult children) to say you don’t want photos of you on FB or Insta etc. It’s not remotely controlling, it’s called privacy and you have every right to it. As do your adult children.

The person who is controlling here is your DH. Who thinks his wants supercede those of three other adults who have specifically said, please don’t do this.

I have taken silly photos of my DC and I over Christmas. They let me. Why? I never share them anywhere, they’re simply for us and our memories. I wouldn’t break their trust for bloody SM.

You’re on social media here 😬

[grapewine]

@stressedy

my kids wont let me post them i want it to look back on memories when you loose some one in life you realise how important photos and memories are !

It's possible to take photos and save them as memories without posting them online! YANBU, OP, at all.

[UnsuitableHat]

If someone asks you not to put pics of them on social media you don’t do it. Not a complicated issue.
I put most of my photos into FB albums, but set privacy so that only I can see them. Memories saved, people’s right to privacy uncompromised.

[RuthO86]

@stressedy

my kids wont let me post them i want it to look back on memories when you loose some one in life you realise how important photos and memories are !

Completely understandable. But you can take photos, and cherish them without having them plastered on social media for other peoples approval.

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

So really it's a vanity thing then . I'd have some sympathy if the dc beer post pictures of themselves on sm

[HippyMoon]

@stressedy

my kids wont let me post them i want it to look back on memories when you loose some one in life you realise how important photos and memories are !

you can look back on memories and photos without posting them for the world to see!

[autieok]

@ThoseFestiveLights

I feel sorry for your DH. He’s obviously proud of you all and you won’t let him show the world his lovely family!

What?? Where's the consent to share the pictures

[autieok]

@houseonthehill

I think this is a bit of a 'meh' issue, really. No malicious intent on his part - more like the opposite- and no actual harm done. Just A Bit Annoying.

No the rest of the family requested privacy. He ignored that and lied to them. That's a pretty big deal. Not everyone is comfortable with being splashed all over sm and it should be a choice.

[autieok]

@RantyAunty

I don't think it's wrong for him to want to post a couple pics of family on his sm.

Your aversion to photos and your poor self-image is your issue. I hope you didnt push those same views onto your DC while growing up.

Maybe you should get counselling to work on your poor self-image instead of berating your DH for wanting to do something normal.
I completely understand why he hid it from you.

It's normal to you. Not everyone posts photos on social media and they certainly shouldn't have to to fit in with other peoples idea of normal. Op's body image has nothing to do with his behaviour and blaming her is appalling.

[grapewine]

Not everyone wants their photos all over social media, whether it's considered "normal" or not! Ugh, I hate the fact that you're considered somehow weird if you have boundaries around social media use.

[Isthatthebestyoucando]

@stressedy

my kids wont let me post them i want it to look back on memories when you loose some one in life you realise how important photos and memories are !

Ah the bigger picture person, I understand deeper, so you are wrong to have your own views and boundaries.

[Bitofachinwag]

You’re on social media here
This is a forum, not SM

[Bitofachinwag]

@UnsuitableHat

If someone asks you not to put pics of them on social media you don’t do it. Not a complicated issue.
I put most of my photos into FB albums, but set privacy so that only I can see them. Memories saved, people’s right to privacy uncompromised.

For now they are private. But FB still have them. And it means you have to trust them to keep your photos private
.
Anyway, memories are in your head, photos can be saved

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

[quote Gilda152]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken
yes...being proud of your family and your family being so opposed to and criticial of images of themselves they censor that to the point that he's got to lie about sharing a photo of his own wife and children - what a arsehole that guy is...yeet him in the nearest river!!

Come ON [/quote]
He hasn’t got to lie. He’s got to respect her wishes.

I think it’s really, really sad that you think Facebook likes from people you barely speak to mean so much to you. It must be hellish to rely on that for validation.

[52andblue]

I agree with @Aderyn. I have zero pics of me on SM & zero pics of my 2 teens. My exH behaved like your H does. HIS need to somehow prove himself with Happy Family Pics trumped our need for privacy (in his world). Not in ours (not the only reason for Ex but, it was another eg of his lack of respect for us)