DH posting pics of our family on FB and hiding them from us

[WhitePolarBear]

I am quite a private person and rarely post pics of myself online. I'm a bit overweight and rarely like pictures that are taken of me.
We have two young adult DCs (18 & 21) who also HATE having pictures of them posted anywhere.
DH knows this. It has been discussed before.
Because of previous experiences it is hard to get the DCs to agree to any family photos ever.
On Christmas Day insisted on taking a photo of us in front of the tree. One DC specifically said "you're not going to post this anywhere are you?" and DH said not and 'it was just a record for the family'.
I didn't see it afterwards, but was busy cooking and probably was red-faced and shiny etc in the photo.

Today I got a message from a friend (also friends with DH on FB) saying 'nice photo of you all on DH's page - haven't the DCs grown' etc.

When I asked him about it, DH:

• denied posting a pic
• then said it was just one
• denied ever saying he wasn't going to post any of the pics he took
• said the reason I hadn't seen it was because of 'the FB algorithms'
• eventually showed me that he'd posted two photos
• admitted that he'd changed the privacy settings so that the DCs and I wouldn't see them (I,e, All friends EXCEPT me & DCs)
• Told me it was his 'right' to post pictures of 'his' family
• Refused to accept that there was anything wrong with what he'd done
• Claimed it was my fault for being so controlling
• Claimed he HAD to do it this way because he knew 'we'd make a fuss'

He kept trying to argue it was my fault until I calmly told the DCs and asked their opinion and they were both angry with him too.

I am really upset. Probably less about the picture than I am about the lying and deception. He has done things like this before and we have had arguments about 'white lies' and me feeling I can't trust him.

[DuvetHugger]

I think you're being petty. Its a photo

[EmmasMum12]

I've said this before on MN.... why do people express such surprise that person A has done something which person A has done before?

Your DH has form for being deceitful and sneaky, for lying and being disrespectful

And yet you're surprised that he's done it again

Heads up - he'll do it again at some point in the future

What can you do about it? Not much, I'd suggest. If he's so determined to disrespect your wishes that he uses zoom camera lenses, how can you stop him ?

For me, this continued utter lack of care and love would be the end for me. I would end the marriage

I feel so sorry for your children. DH doesn't always have to be your husband but he'll always be their father 😔

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

Perfect @LiveintheNow

[Aderyn21]

Excellent post Live

[LiveintheNow]

Narcissist's Prayer

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

From the OP

When I asked him about it, DH:

• denied posting a pic
• then said it was just one
• denied ever saying he wasn't going to post any of the pics he took
• said the reason I hadn't seen it was because of 'the FB algorithms'
• eventually showed me that he'd posted two photos
• admitted that he'd changed the privacy settings so that the DCs and I wouldn't see them (I,e, All friends EXCEPT me & DCs)
• Told me it was his 'right' to post pictures of 'his' family
• Refused to accept that there was anything wrong with what he'd done
• Claimed it was my fault for being so controlling
• Claimed he HAD to do it this way because he knew 'we'd make a fuss'

[Aderyn21]

Maybe the kids would have more self confidence if their dad didn't trample all over them?

[Pantsomime]

It doesn’t matter why you don’t want them posting, the fact is you asked not to have them posted. He thinks looking like a wonderful family to the outside world is better than the reality of the 3 subjects in the photo being furious- he’s a fool and a twat and you deserve better. You are all right to be incandescent- the damage is done but the 3 of you demand he take both images down and do not rest until he has

[smellooo]

I also think that your lack of confidence has clearly been passed on to your children. You can deny it all you like, but I guarantee that your behaviour (unintentionally of course) will have made them how they are.

I say that as someone who picked up unhealthy behaviours about image from my own mum, I am very careful not to pass that onto my own daughters.

[Aderyn21]

Gilda he didn't have to lie, he chose to. Things to feel proud of are good relationships with his wife and children, not the likes he gets on fb. He's got his priorities all arse about face

[billy1966]

He sounds like such a dishonest, dishonourable person.

OP, I can absolutely imagine this changing how you might feel about someone.

Lots of people don't want a social media presence.

I have FB and Instagram as do my children but we don't post anything at all.

My children are very disinterested in posting pictures of themselves and I certainly have never posted any images of them.

This is not unusual.

[52andblue]

I agree with @Aderyn. I have zero pics of me on SM & zero pics of my 2 teens. My exH behaved like your H does. HIS need to somehow prove himself with Happy Family Pics trumped our need for privacy (in his world). Not in ours (not the only reason for Ex but, it was another eg of his lack of respect for us)

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

[quote Gilda152]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken
yes...being proud of your family and your family being so opposed to and criticial of images of themselves they censor that to the point that he's got to lie about sharing a photo of his own wife and children - what a arsehole that guy is...yeet him in the nearest river!!

Come ON [/quote]
He hasn’t got to lie. He’s got to respect her wishes.

I think it’s really, really sad that you think Facebook likes from people you barely speak to mean so much to you. It must be hellish to rely on that for validation.

[Bitofachinwag]

@UnsuitableHat

If someone asks you not to put pics of them on social media you don’t do it. Not a complicated issue.
I put most of my photos into FB albums, but set privacy so that only I can see them. Memories saved, people’s right to privacy uncompromised.

For now they are private. But FB still have them. And it means you have to trust them to keep your photos private
.
Anyway, memories are in your head, photos can be saved

[Bitofachinwag]

You’re on social media here
This is a forum, not SM

[Isthatthebestyoucando]

@stressedy

my kids wont let me post them i want it to look back on memories when you loose some one in life you realise how important photos and memories are !

Ah the bigger picture person, I understand deeper, so you are wrong to have your own views and boundaries.

[grapewine]

Not everyone wants their photos all over social media, whether it's considered "normal" or not! Ugh, I hate the fact that you're considered somehow weird if you have boundaries around social media use.

[autieok]

@RantyAunty

I don't think it's wrong for him to want to post a couple pics of family on his sm.

Your aversion to photos and your poor self-image is your issue. I hope you didnt push those same views onto your DC while growing up.

Maybe you should get counselling to work on your poor self-image instead of berating your DH for wanting to do something normal.
I completely understand why he hid it from you.

It's normal to you. Not everyone posts photos on social media and they certainly shouldn't have to to fit in with other peoples idea of normal. Op's body image has nothing to do with his behaviour and blaming her is appalling.

[autieok]

@houseonthehill

I think this is a bit of a 'meh' issue, really. No malicious intent on his part - more like the opposite- and no actual harm done. Just A Bit Annoying.

No the rest of the family requested privacy. He ignored that and lied to them. That's a pretty big deal. Not everyone is comfortable with being splashed all over sm and it should be a choice.

[autieok]

@ThoseFestiveLights

I feel sorry for your DH. He’s obviously proud of you all and you won’t let him show the world his lovely family!

What?? Where's the consent to share the pictures

[HippyMoon]

@stressedy

my kids wont let me post them i want it to look back on memories when you loose some one in life you realise how important photos and memories are !

you can look back on memories and photos without posting them for the world to see!

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

So really it's a vanity thing then . I'd have some sympathy if the dc beer post pictures of themselves on sm

[RuthO86]

@stressedy

my kids wont let me post them i want it to look back on memories when you loose some one in life you realise how important photos and memories are !

Completely understandable. But you can take photos, and cherish them without having them plastered on social media for other peoples approval.

[UnsuitableHat]

If someone asks you not to put pics of them on social media you don’t do it. Not a complicated issue.
I put most of my photos into FB albums, but set privacy so that only I can see them. Memories saved, people’s right to privacy uncompromised.

[grapewine]

@stressedy

my kids wont let me post them i want it to look back on memories when you loose some one in life you realise how important photos and memories are !

It's possible to take photos and save them as memories without posting them online! YANBU, OP, at all.

[Ohmycron]

@sassbott

I hate SM with a passion. And you have every right (as do your adult children) to say you don’t want photos of you on FB or Insta etc. It’s not remotely controlling, it’s called privacy and you have every right to it. As do your adult children.

The person who is controlling here is your DH. Who thinks his wants supercede those of three other adults who have specifically said, please don’t do this.

I have taken silly photos of my DC and I over Christmas. They let me. Why? I never share them anywhere, they’re simply for us and our memories. I wouldn’t break their trust for bloody SM.

You’re on social media here 😬