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Original poster

DH posting pics of our family on FB and hiding them from us

110 replies

WhitePolarBear · 26/12/2021 20:59

I am quite a private person and rarely post pics of myself online. I'm a bit overweight and rarely like pictures that are taken of me.
We have two young adult DCs (18 & 21) who also HATE having pictures of them posted anywhere.
DH knows this. It has been discussed before.
Because of previous experiences it is hard to get the DCs to agree to any family photos ever.
On Christmas Day insisted on taking a photo of us in front of the tree. One DC specifically said "you're not going to post this anywhere are you?" and DH said not and 'it was just a record for the family'.
I didn't see it afterwards, but was busy cooking and probably was red-faced and shiny etc in the photo.

Today I got a message from a friend (also friends with DH on FB) saying 'nice photo of you all on DH's page - haven't the DCs grown' etc.

When I asked him about it, DH:

  • denied posting a pic
  • then said it was just one
  • denied ever saying he wasn't going to post any of the pics he took
  • said the reason I hadn't seen it was because of 'the FB algorithms' Hmm
  • eventually showed me that he'd posted two photos
  • admitted that he'd changed the privacy settings so that the DCs and I wouldn't see them (I,e, All friends EXCEPT me & DCs)
  • Told me it was his 'right' to post pictures of 'his' family
  • Refused to accept that there was anything wrong with what he'd done
  • Claimed it was my fault for being so controlling
  • Claimed he HAD to do it this way because he knew 'we'd make a fuss'

He kept trying to argue it was my fault until I calmly told the DCs and asked their opinion and they were both angry with him too.

I am really upset. Probably less about the picture than I am about the lying and deception. He has done things like this before and we have had arguments about 'white lies' and me feeling I can't trust him.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/12/2021 21:59

@maddiemookins16mum

I just find it odd a friend would message about it too. But, yanbu.
Maybe the friend was surprised as it's unusual
Snowsaurus · 26/12/2021 22:01

If nothing else. has he not heard of gdpr?
It’s your choice what you want to put out there.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 26/12/2021 22:02

That would be the last photo I'd let him take of me tbh. You're right. You aren't puppies for him to plaster all over Facebook, you've expressed a wish, he promised and the did what he wanted. I'd be livid

Shoxfordian · 26/12/2021 22:07

He’s acting like a knob
Sounds like it’s part of a pattern though

StanleyGreen · 26/12/2021 22:18

This reply has been deleted

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CockSpadget · 26/12/2021 22:30

YANBU in the slightest! I would go ballistic. Totally disrespectful. What's so important about posting a pic on FB, that warrants going against your wishes and breaking your trust?!

thetinsoldier · 26/12/2021 22:30

@ThoseFestiveLights

I feel sorry for your DH. He’s obviously proud of you all and you won’t let him show the world his lovely family!
So his wishes are more important than the wishes of the rest of the family? Why do his wants override anyone else's??
Lunde · 26/12/2021 22:32

@stressedy

my kids wont let me post them i want it to look back on memories when you loose some one in life you realise how important photos and memories are !
Why is it essential to put them on social media though? His feelings are not the only ones that matter

I have lovely photo folders on my devices that I look back on and a private group to share with immediate family only but I am not desperate for other people to view them on facebook, instagram or twitter.

ENDOFMESSAGE · 26/12/2021 22:39

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Valaris · 26/12/2021 22:43

He's gaslighting you all.

layladomino · 27/12/2021 18:58

Totally disprectful, completely ignoring yours and your children's wishes which were explicitly stated and which he agreed to. To then post the pics and hide them from you is awful. To then lie and gaslight compounds the problem.

You say he makes a habit of lying. That combined with his lack of respect for your wishes, and especially the gaslighting, would make me question why I was with him at all.

Aderyn21 · 27/12/2021 19:05

I'd be really angry. He thinks that he has a right to overrule you, to the extent he will deliberately deceive his own family. It says a lot about him and none of it is good!
I'd have quite serious reservations about this relationship

Aderyn21 · 27/12/2021 19:07

Over the years I've come to the conclusion that truth and respect are more important than love. Actually, you can love if there's no respect. And relationships can't function where there is dishonesty and manipulation. What he's done isn't a little thing

Aderyn21 · 27/12/2021 19:07

Can't love, that should say

Aust98 · 28/12/2021 00:24

He obviously wants to post his family... HOWEVER if yous don't want to be posted he shouldn't.

I get that he wants pictures/memories to look back on but he could just as easily look back at them on his phone/computer.

Some people want to post everything on social media and others don't. It's about understanding that and if he can't or does understand and just doesn't care then that's not right.

sammylady37 · 28/12/2021 06:55

@stressedy

my kids wont let me post them i want it to look back on memories when you loose some one in life you realise how important photos and memories are !
You will still have the memories and the photos even if they’re not plastered on social media for half the world to see.

Keep them on your phone/in the cloud, print them individually, make photo books etc.

Not being on social media doesn’t make them any less real, valid or special

whitewashing · 28/12/2021 06:56

I have lots of family photos…I feel,no heed whatsoever to post them on SM! Why would I???

SarahBellam · 28/12/2021 07:06

@ThoseFestiveLights

I feel sorry for your DH. He’s obviously proud of you all and you won’t let him show the world his lovely family!
He’s so proud of then he disrespects their wishes and their rights to privacy in their own home. I think it’s a rotten thing to do.
Namenic · 28/12/2021 07:09

Yanbu. He was Deliberate, sneaky and selfish.

TomBradysLeftKneecap · 28/12/2021 07:12

Am I the only one that, when I read a MNer posting they”calmly told” their DH something, just presume it was anything but?! Grin

EarringsandLipstick · 28/12/2021 07:17

He is wrong to disrespect your wishes, no question.

However, I do feel sympathetic to him wanting to share a photo of his family, it's quite a normal thing to do & a pity that you don't ever like photos of yourself as you worry about your appearance. I'm sure to your DH you all look lovely & he would like to share with friends & family.

While it's unquestionably wrong to do it seeing as 3 of you have said not to, it's not like what he's doing is some massively odd or strange use of SM, as some other replies suggest. Many people post family shots at Christmas. Is there anyway you could agree to an occasional photo that you agree to, being shared on FB?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/12/2021 07:17

Sadly, for far too many people, appearing to have a happy family on Facebook is more important, and much easier, than putting the effort in to create a happy family. It takes too much time, effort, thought, respect, patience, compromise when they can post a smiley photo on Facebook and wait for the likes to roll in.
It’s sad but it’s all too common.

MirthlessChuckle · 28/12/2021 07:21

Forget the photo element of it.

He lied about something and then tried to hide it.

That's the problem here!

MirthlessChuckle · 28/12/2021 07:24

Plus, good luck ever pulling everyone in for a candid family-only photo again.

From now on they'll just refuse.

Dozer · 28/12/2021 07:30

Awful breach of your and DCs’ privacy, lies and DARVO when you brought it up with him.

Would tell the DCs what he did.