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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I admit it. I've made a huge mistake

120 replies

unspokensecret · 26/12/2021 20:47

8 years ago, when I was 21, I had a boyfriend who was funny, kind, attractive and was like my best friend. He was 24. We had sexual compatibility. We had so much passion and spark and fancied each other so much. We lived in a city. We had fun. I made a mistake and ran away. I was immature and stupid and tried everything to fix it but he wouldn't take me back.

Now I'm married to a man 15 years older with two kids and we have a gorgeous house and a nice life and we genuinely get on. He's kind, a brilliant dad, I feel comfortable around him but we don't have that passion. I don't enjoy sex with him in the same way I did with my ex. I am not as attracted to him as I am to my ex.

I keep thinking oh god I've settled, haven't I? For someone nice and stable and a good dad but without that spark and passion. That I've written that off. That I've even written off getting old with my husband as with an age gap that won't happen. Why did I choose this? What have I done?

I should of stayed with my ex, I live rurally now and feel dissatisfied. With my ex I would of lived in a city, had kids and built a life with someone who could of been there until the end. Had many many more years of passion and sex. What the fuck do I do now?

OP posts:

sassbott · 26/12/2021 20:52

you stop thinking about the past. You have no idea how your life would have turned out with someone else.
you have no idea when anyone (including yourself) is going to die
focus on the relationship you have now and deal with what is in front of you Vs. Ruminating about possible other lives.

No one aside from you can talk to whether you’ve settled. Or whether what you have now is enough. That’s something only you can answer.

Is it just the spark that is missing or is there more behind this?

SunflowerTed · 26/12/2021 20:55

You ran away for a reason - it can’t have been that great. Stop looking at the past through rose computed spectacles and appreciate what you have.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 26/12/2021 20:59

What triggered you wanting to run away at the time? You might have built this up to more than it was at the time, or alternatively be under playing it now but there must have been some reason that made you want to leave. I think it might be helpful to think carefully about what it was.

Original poster

unspokensecret · 26/12/2021 21:01

I ran back to an ex, I realised within a week it was a mistake and tried to go back but he couldn't trust me anymore. I was young and immature I didn't realise what I had. But when I look back now it's like he made sense, we wanted the same things and were so similar and genuinely really loved and fancied each other and had such good chemistry. I just feel like he was the one I was meant to end up with, and I've fucked it. I've tried to ignore these thoughts for years but I finally admit it

OP posts:

WisestIsShe · 26/12/2021 21:01

I think YABU. Day dreaming about the road not travelled is pointless. If you are unhappy in your current relationship then you need to address that.
However it sounds to me like your should count your chickens.
I once read on here the reason someone was happily married after twenty years was "because we've never both wanted to leave at the same time". There's a lot of truth in this in a long relationship, there are ups and downs. It sounds like your DH is a good man, maybe look at ways to improve your relationship?

Kittykat93 · 26/12/2021 21:04

You wouldn't have run back to an ex if your relationship had been that amazing. Why do you feel your exes are better than what you have? It seems to be a pattern

1ofthosedayz · 26/12/2021 21:04

Not sure this is about the ex as much as the point you're not happy in this relationship. Put thoughts of the ex on hold for now and figure out what you're going to do about this current situation.

You're clearly not happy. You seem to miss the city and miss aspects of your freedom.

I sounds like you're pondering leaving

whenwillthemadnessend · 26/12/2021 21:05

You left your Boyd to go to an ex

Can you see a pattern here. Now your fixating on another ex

Maybe some counselling will help you to live in the present.

As a pp did you don't know it would
Have worked out.

I think you need to examine yourself before doing anything rash again.

RedMozzieYellowMozzie · 26/12/2021 21:06

Well it's all irrelevent now now isn't it - he didn't want to take you back at the time so there's no point in fixating on him.

If you're genuinely unhappy in your marriage then you need to figure out why that is and find ways to address it with your husband. I think once you settle down and you're left looking round going "is this it" it's natural to have a wobble

HacerSonarSusPasos · 26/12/2021 21:07

@unspokensecret

Sorry, but if you loved him you wouldn't have discarded him for someone else. And now you're building him up in your imagination because he's the one that got away and your life is a little too stable and boring and grown-up for your liking.

You need to stop these silly thoughts before it consumes your perfectly good marriage, especially with two kids in the middle.

Original poster

unspokensecret · 26/12/2021 21:21

I do have a pattern. Just a few months ago I got caught up messaging the ex (not the one I ran away from, but the one I ran away to) and it all went way too far. Wildly inappropriate. But the thrill made me feel something again.

I think a lot about the passion I had in my life when younger, it definitely has a hold on me. I had 2 very passionate relationships. I was quite toxic, and it was the thrill of being wanted. I felt I had power over them and abused it really. The ex I was messaging not long ago I was just lying through my teeth to, about how I always think about them, wish we could have sex one last time etc. I don't even feel that way, I just enjoyed him falling at my feet saying he's waited years to hear from me and thought he'd lost me. Strung him along a couple months then blocked him when it stopped scratching an itch. Now I'm obsessing over the other. There's something wrong with me isn't there? I think I'm just a shit person

OP posts:

Alcemeg · 26/12/2021 21:22

I don't have anything sensible to add to what wiser PPs have already said, except to say that I feel your pain, OP!

I've been feeling this way recently -- not about a lost love, but about a house I once lived in and have convinced myself I should never have sold. And yet, at the time, doing so seemed perfectly reasonable.

Are you in the habit of doubting your own judgement?

I am, and I have a feeling that although we tend to beat ourselves up in retrospect for these terrible mistakes we've made, if you put the clock back and we found ourselves back in that position, with all the factors that influenced us, we'd do the same again. I don't think we're as daft as we fear.

Your ex has come to represent various things that are missing from your life. You know it's fantasy, but the appeal is strong. I don't have much advice except to say just sit tight and ride out the storm. If you still feel this urgency in a year's time, do something about it, but don't expect your ex to be part of the solution. X

Waftypants · 26/12/2021 21:25

You're not a shit person but you do need to get a grip of this before you make another decision you'll probably regret. The past is in the past. If you can't let it go I suggest you find a counsellor to talk to.

Palmfrond · 26/12/2021 21:25

Let me advocate for your ex; if he’d taken you back after you (presumably) cheated on him, might he not be thinking right now about how he’d settled for a cheater, and all the negative repercussions that entails. Might he not be thinking (dreaming?) of an exit strategy right about now?
Tbh there can’t be anybody who is tied down by marriage and children who doesn’t spend sometimes inordinate amount of emotional energy on pondering what might have been, and that’s okay, I think, so long as you keep a handle/lid on it, and remember that your happiness is primarily dictated by your relationship with yourself, and very definitely not by mythologised figures from your past.

Alcemeg · 26/12/2021 21:25

Looks like we cross-posted... and reading your last post, gosh!

Keep thinking about what you really miss. Is it really excitement? Because it does tend to wear off.

Could it be that you feel powerless now? Just guessing.

Bonbon21 · 26/12/2021 21:27

No, there is nothing wrong with you.
You are a bit bored, you need to grow up.
You have a lovely husband, kids, home and life. Get over yourself.
These men are in your past, long in your past. They might be fat, bald, drunk, wifebeaters!
Be grateful for what you have and start showing your husband and kids some respect.
Get more involved with their lives and keep busy.
And I will say it again... GROW UP!!

sassbott · 26/12/2021 21:29

@unspokensecret you’re playing with fire.

Imagine your husband finding/ seeing those messages. Imagine the heartbreak and heartache. I mean essentially you’ve had a form of an emotional affair and you’re on here justifying it and playing some form of victim because you’re not getting hot sex?

FFS.

me4real · 26/12/2021 21:33

I just enjoyed him falling at my feet saying he's waited years to hear from me and thought he'd lost me. Strung him along a couple months then blocked him when it stopped scratching an itch. Now I'm obsessing over the other. There's something wrong with me isn't there? I think I'm just a shit person

We can all go through phases of being a bit shit @unspokensecret . I think therapy would help you stop doing stuff like this, decide what you want and bring it about.

KeyLimePies · 26/12/2021 21:34

I’m afraid your last post does sound awful. I doubt you’ll ever be totally happy with anyone, but then again, who is?

I feel sorry for your husband.

FelicityBob · 26/12/2021 21:36

I feel sorry for your husband. Stop living in the past and be grateful for what you’ve got

Yousexybugger · 26/12/2021 21:36

I think I understand you to an extent. What you learnt from the 'one that got away (OTGA)' is that you can push people away, messing around trying to prove how much they and others want you by setting these sorts of tests. However people will only take so much, especially if they have healthy boundaries. OTGA understandably didn't want to know after you cheated and went back to your ex.

At some point, if you try something similar with your husband, such as resuming contacting the first ex, you will push him away too.

Have some therapy to work out why you're doing these things and whether you're genuinely satisfied or not. Try and learn a lesson from the OTGA. Also leave the first ex alone. You don't seem to mention other people's feelings much in all of this and it sounds like you might have hurt his.

Original poster

unspokensecret · 26/12/2021 21:41

I know I sound shit, I am shit! I had a lot of toxic but extremely passionate relationships between like 17-22 and then fell straight into a serious settled relationship with an older guy and now I've got kids and a mortgage and maybe I went from one extreme to the other. I chase the passion of the younger relationships but resent the age difference in my marriage that I know will make my life miserable one day. I haven't been single for longer than a few weeks since I was 16, I probably could of done with that to be honest as my life just seems to revolve around men. Even now I have 2 kids and should be focused on them I'm fixating on men and past relationships and crossing lines to excite myself. Realistically I thought tonight that everything that's happened has all been cause I was in denial about leaving that ex, but it can't really be can it, when just months ago I was fixated on the other. I wish I knew what was bloody wrong with me

OP posts:

me4real · 26/12/2021 21:41

Coming up to 30, many people can start to get a taster of the thoughts people get at mid life.

FOMO etc and wondering if they've made the right choices or have missed out on stuff they should've done in their twenties/first flush of youth.

It's normal to have these feelings, especially if you have an older partner. The age gap starts to be more obvious sometimes as you go on.

But the stringing along the other guy wasn't good. And it sounds like you've gone off your husband.

I was with a guy 14 years older with health issues- I eventually realized the sex was dreadful (though every man is different of course, it's not always that way with an older guy.)

I think you do have to seize good sex, (especially if you like PIV) as gradually the number of men capable of it consistently in our dating pool reduces as we get older.

Bananarama21 · 26/12/2021 21:44

You literally described the plot to the TV series sex life

Bluntness100 · 26/12/2021 21:45

Honestly? Grow up. It wasn’t love etc, he’d have had you back if it was, stop this fantasising and looking for cheap thrills, you’re not a teenager any more, he wasn’t that into you or he’d have come back guys always do

If you’re not happily married end it, but stop all this fantasising.

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