I admit it. I've made a huge mistake

[unspokensecret]

8 years ago, when I was 21, I had a boyfriend who was funny, kind, attractive and was like my best friend. He was 24. We had sexual compatibility. We had so much passion and spark and fancied each other so much. We lived in a city. We had fun. I made a mistake and ran away. I was immature and stupid and tried everything to fix it but he wouldn't take me back.

Now I'm married to a man 15 years older with two kids and we have a gorgeous house and a nice life and we genuinely get on. He's kind, a brilliant dad, I feel comfortable around him but we don't have that passion. I don't enjoy sex with him in the same way I did with my ex. I am not as attracted to him as I am to my ex.

I keep thinking oh god I've settled, haven't I? For someone nice and stable and a good dad but without that spark and passion. That I've written that off. That I've even written off getting old with my husband as with an age gap that won't happen. Why did I choose this? What have I done?

I should of stayed with my ex, I live rurally now and feel dissatisfied. With my ex I would of lived in a city, had kids and built a life with someone who could of been there until the end. Had many many more years of passion and sex. What the fuck do I do now?

I agree with all the advice given, but let's not worry too much about the DH here, thrown away because of his age etc. Come on. He choose a women 15 years younger because he wanted to be with a much younger women. He could have easily found a late 30s women but he wasn't attracted to them, and certainly isn't attracted to women in their 60s (same age gap the other way). So he is the one that is overly concerned with age, not OP. At least she wishes she was with someone her own age.

You sound like you have a thrill addiction.
It is not your ex, or the ex before that one, or your husband's age. It is you, a part of you that wishes to comand men by sexual attraction. That is all. Dangerous addiction. Give it up before it consumes you, and all your family.
I suppose you do need therapy to deal with this one.

@TreeSmuggler

I agree with all the advice given, but let's not worry too much about the DH here, thrown away because of his age etc. Come on. He choose a women 15 years younger because he wanted to be with a much younger women. He could have easily found a late 30s women but he wasn't attracted to them, and certainly isn't attracted to women in their 60s (same age gap the other way). So he is the one that is overly concerned with age, not OP. At least she wishes she was with someone her own age.

Why are you blaming him? You don't know his motives for marrying her, age might have had nothing to do with it. Op is obsessed with his age, we don't know if he is. He's the one currently being cheated on by op when she sexts her exs. Got zero sympathy for her.

You're utterly toxic - not for 'feelings' - but you've been caught already - amd you carry on! The passion that you seek is in feeling insecure - uncertain and desperate for someone you can't fully trust. It's hopelessly immature- and horribly cruel to your partner. Just tell him- show him this thread - and your life may then become dramatic, thrilling authentic and you can fully learn and grow.

[quote Dery]@unspokensecret - you’re looking for men to fix you. At a very young age, you seem to have internalised a message that you were not good enough and you have rushed from one man to another for external validation. You have spent absolutely no time alone as an adult and you haven’t learnt to stand on your own two feet, look after yourself or work out what you - Unspoken - want from life as an independent human being. The 20s is the perfect decade for doing that but instead you’ve rushed from one man to another. Now you’re looking for some complete fantasy guy to fill that void in you. Here’s a newsflash - only you can fill that void. Until you realise that, you will continue to hanker after fantasy romances.

I think you would benefit hugely from therapy to unpick all this.

As for your DH - I have slightly mixed feelings about his role in all this. As a guy in his late 30s, he chose to pursue a woman in her early 20s and then he pressed ahead with things on his timeline, not yours. That said, you chose to date him and put yourself in this situation and that’s on you.

So all in all - I think therapy to unpick why you feel so empty and why you look to men to fix that - and how to change it - would be really good for you.[/quote]
This is a very sensible post (and not horrible and name-calling like many of the others.)

I’d be willing to bet you had an interesting childhood OP, perhaps with some issues with your Dad?

And you haven’t had an affair - that word seems to have its own definition here 🙄

What is setting if not an affair?

Sexting*

[quote Dery]@unspokensecret - you’re looking for men to fix you. At a very young age, you seem to have internalised a message that you were not good enough and you have rushed from one man to another for external validation. You have spent absolutely no time alone as an adult and you haven’t learnt to stand on your own two feet, look after yourself or work out what you - Unspoken - want from life as an independent human being. The 20s is the perfect decade for doing that but instead you’ve rushed from one man to another. Now you’re looking for some complete fantasy guy to fill that void in you. Here’s a newsflash - only you can fill that void. Until you realise that, you will continue to hanker after fantasy romances.

I think you would benefit hugely from therapy to unpick all this.

As for your DH - I have slightly mixed feelings about his role in all this. As a guy in his late 30s, he chose to pursue a woman in her early 20s and then he pressed ahead with things on his timeline, not yours. That said, you chose to date him and put yourself in this situation and that’s on you.

So all in all - I think therapy to unpick why you feel so empty and why you look to men to fix that - and how to change it - would be really good for you.[/quote]
I laid awake thinking about these words in the night and yes as said above thank you for being blunt but not rude. I think you touch on some interesting points. I became sexually active at a young age and think a lot of my worth became based in that. I allowed boys to really treat me quite badly, use me for one thing etc. Even in my relationships, they all started with me putting out from the very first night, the difference being these didn't disregard me after one night but more acted somewhat obsessed with me and I became addicted to that. I think in all my previous relationships (bar my marriage) I have been put on a pedestal by my boyfriends, and have always been the one to end it so running back and forth, disappearing for months with another guy then reappearing and saying I still loved them was easy to do, I got away with it, especially with the ex I can still message. He's never had a girlfriend since me, has made it clear he wanted to end up with me and every time I guess I need that excitement and to feel desired again he's always there. Of course he may be lying through his teeth for a shag, but I know I won't give him that now so I guess it seems like I have nothing to lose in the moment (obviously I do though, my family)

I think this is another reason I obsess over the other ex, as he was the only one to ever take that choice away from me and rule me out over the behaviour that, in my head, made people want me more. I have tried to massively work on myself since having my first child. I have seen comments below calling me a narcissist and I get it, it's something I've worried about myself, over the years I've had some very bad traits, almost pathological lying, being really quite selfish, obsessing over men and degrading myself in the process. I don't however think I am a narcissist because I don't believe I'm better than anyway else at all, I had very low self worth and struggled massively with depression and anxiety for the best part of a decade. I don't think I'm better than everyone or that I'm special, but I do cling to feeling like I'm special to my ex's, I felt like I needed that.

Before my kids I was never satisfied in life if there wasn't a guy I was fixated on, and I don't always mean actively sleeping with but someone I saw regularly, made an effort to look good around, messaged a lot and admittedly yes, a lot of the time these weren't the boyfriend I had at the time. I have cheated on every proper boyfriend I've ever had and always with one another, e.g another ex. But the amount of, what I deemed innocent flirtations, but realise now where likely emotional affairs, with other guys who I crossed so many lines with but never any physical is far higher. I can think of four alone just during the time I was dating my now husband. My husband is the only one I've never physically cheated on, but I've gotten very close and made 4 other guys have feelings for me and even shared beds etc during this time.

I'm making myself sound worse but I'm just trying to be completely honest. I can't afford therapy, NHS therapy was useless to me, but I'm good at reflecting and really actively am trying to work on myself and I can and will take constructive criticism to heart. I genuinely want to be better. Since having my kids the EA's have stopped completely, until the incident a few months ago where I messaged the ex for a couple of months.

I do obviously have huge anxiety about the age gap in my marriage too, but at the same time I know how I ended up here. It's the first relationship I had that wasn't toxic (bar my actions) there wasn't drama, he's kind and stable and understanding and he's there for me. He knows my faults (maybe not the full extent) but he knows and he stays. If I could make him say 10 years younger he'd be perfect, but I can't and yes I probably do use that to justify my actions somewhat.

Your behaviour does sound very narcissistic OP. But that doesn't mean you are a narcissist/have NPD. But certainly it seems to me that therapy focusing on yourself and your needs might not be the right thing for you. You are already very, very focused on yourself and your need to feel good all the time, no matter what the cost.

The right thing may well be to start focusing on others' needs and thinking about how you can support and serve them. You barely mention your children at all - where are they in all this drama? Your husband stays with you despite your mistreatment of him. Maybe the right thing for you is to stop looking outside your family, and start thinking about the people inside it. What could you do to make their lives better and give them a better experience of you?

It's old fashioned, but sacrifice and service to others are a key way in which we can serve ourselves, emotionally and spiritually.

I became sexually active at a young age and think a lot of my worth became based in that

@unspokensecret Children are not sexually active, because they can't consent. Were some of these men/boys you were involved with slightly older? I mean, when I was 15 a guy of 16, a friend's brother, manipulated me into sexual activity I wasn't planning on at all. He could consent and I couldn't (and even regardless of age, I didn't really, I just didn't know how to get out of the situation.)

NHS therapy was useless to me

Not all therapists are equal/they mightn't be the right fit for you. It's worth having another go with the NHS, just for the free therapy. If you don't click with the therapist then ask to change (they won't have an issue with you doing that.) It's worth waiting to work with one you click with.

See if you can somehow prioritize therapy financially (discuss it with your husband, I'm sure he'd want to help you- just don't mention the sexting thing, give some other reason.) I'm not earning and I pay for therapy through my disability payments. I didn't have much surplus income sometimes, but it was and is worth it.

Another thing that helped me- journal all the abuse, including verbal abuse/insults or any other kind www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/ I made it into 'chapters' in a story and I actually made videos about them. You could do this for yourself without sharing them with anyone else. Making these videos helped me write down the main points and then summarize them. It helped me reclaim the narrative, understand what I experienced, and was cathartic. www.youtube.com/channel/UCR9SI2irTDkByWC7rZTh3Dw/videos?view=0&sort=da&flow=grid But you can only go so far on your own.

The Freedom Programme is free freedomprogramme.co.uk/ You can do it online yourself but it's even better to join your local course. They're doing a lot via Zoom, so it's very convenient.

Some women aren't taught how to protect themselves (to have a 'shark cage') and so they have repeated abusive relationships- not necessarily with all their partners, but some. www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

You sound like one of these people who'll never be satisfied in a relationship, you'll always be on the lookout for something else. The ex you're pining after now is the same guy you fucked over for a previous ex. Even if he gave you the time of day for 5 minutes (which in his wisdom he won't), you'd get bored of him and look elsewhere for your next "fix".

Having read your last post OP you sound like you’re being painfully honest with yourself to understand what is going on with this destructive/self destructive behaviour.

No advice to offer but the best of luck with working it through.

@unspokensecret - I’m glad my post was helpful. I agree with @BoPeeple, @me4real and @Donotgogentle - it sounds like your compulsive, toxic behaviour comes from a very wounded place.

As Me4 flagged, your comment about becoming sexually active at an early age sounds like you may have been pushed into activities which you weren’t ready for and didn’t truly want, as does you saying you always put out on first dates.

I think it’s a real shame you felt the need to do that. It sounds like - before your husband - sex and physical desire drove your relationships and young men’s interest in you and it was also the only thing you felt you had to offer. Of course, in a romantic relationship sex and physical attraction play a role but emotional and intellectual compatibility and shared day-to-day interests are very important too.

As a mother of teenagers, it makes me a bit sad how quickly - and how young - things seem to turn sexual now and I can’t help thinking easy access to poor quality phallocentric porn has something to do with it. There seems to be very little sense now that sexual intimacy with someone is something to be earned and worked towards rather than something to be expected. Don’t get me wrong - I’ve had one night stands but I was in my mid-20s by then. My first experience of actual sex was at 17 with my first love and we had been together for many months by then.

Sorry - I’ve gone off on one a bit. As PP have said, it’s great that you’ve realised this is no way to live and you’re challenging yourself over this. Therapy with the right therapist could be really helpful and following the tips set out by me4real would be really good for you too.

Read "The Midnight Library" by Matt Haig

How're you feeling @unspokensecret ?

It's important to remember that you actually don't know what would have happened if you'd stayed with your ex. You don't know you'd be living in a city, you don't know you'd have children, or that you'd have grown old together.

You need to focus on the relationship you have now, and whether you are satisfied. What you want from the future, and if that happy future is with your husband.

The other guy thing could just be something you are fixated on because you are unsatisfied in some way. But that really isn't to do with the other guy, at all.

@OldWivesTale

Read "The Midnight Library" by Matt Haig

Please don’t!

OP - what was your relationship with your parents like growing up?

I don’t think you’re a narcissist at all. I think you’ve developed certain beliefs about yourself and others and have let your self esteem get quite low. You can solve this.

For what it’s worth, although I haven’t been particularly promiscuous, I totally understand the desire to make men fall for you. I do it too. It’s addictive. The thrill of knowing someone is obsessed with you is better than any drug. But it comes from some deeply held beliefs about yourself (in my case that I felt unlovable as a child). When you change those beliefs you don’t need to do it any more and you develop better boundaries.

OP - is it possible that if you had stayed with the other man you would now be thinking longingly of a rural home, children, an older settled husband and a comfortable lifestyle?

I'm twenty years older than you and DH is 15 years older than me - I never obsess about the age gap. I have a friend who died aged 30 leaving her older husband bereft, I also know someone who has dementia in their 50s who has to be cared for by her older partner - we don't know what the future will bring so don't borrow trouble.