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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I admit it. I've made a huge mistake

120 replies

unspokensecret · 26/12/2021 20:47

8 years ago, when I was 21, I had a boyfriend who was funny, kind, attractive and was like my best friend. He was 24. We had sexual compatibility. We had so much passion and spark and fancied each other so much. We lived in a city. We had fun. I made a mistake and ran away. I was immature and stupid and tried everything to fix it but he wouldn't take me back.

Now I'm married to a man 15 years older with two kids and we have a gorgeous house and a nice life and we genuinely get on. He's kind, a brilliant dad, I feel comfortable around him but we don't have that passion. I don't enjoy sex with him in the same way I did with my ex. I am not as attracted to him as I am to my ex.

I keep thinking oh god I've settled, haven't I? For someone nice and stable and a good dad but without that spark and passion. That I've written that off. That I've even written off getting old with my husband as with an age gap that won't happen. Why did I choose this? What have I done?

I should of stayed with my ex, I live rurally now and feel dissatisfied. With my ex I would of lived in a city, had kids and built a life with someone who could of been there until the end. Had many many more years of passion and sex. What the fuck do I do now?

OP posts:

BoPeeple · 27/12/2021 09:03

I think you’re being refreshingly honest OP. Many women feel like you - they just don’t admit it. So no, I don’t think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with you.
Many people struggle with monogamy and many women love the thrill of men wanting them.

I think you need to try to work out what else could fill that void though, as it could be destructive - for you, your DH and your kids. Could you afford a therapist to talk through it all?

beastlyslumber · 27/12/2021 09:08

You sound very narcissistic OP.

pictish · 27/12/2021 09:08

I would actually agree with that. I thought your posts were articulate and real. I understood you.

But. I have to be honest in return. You have invented an alternative life to pine over. That’s not real.

GoodnightGrandma · 27/12/2021 09:11

I think most people think about ‘what if’, and I think women get hormonal surges that bring it to the surface.
It’s what you choose to do with it that matters.

Itsnotover · 27/12/2021 09:16

@unspokensecret

I ran back to an ex, I realised within a week it was a mistake and tried to go back but he couldn't trust me anymore. I was young and immature I didn't realise what I had. But when I look back now it's like he made sense, we wanted the same things and were so similar and genuinely really loved and fancied each other and had such good chemistry. I just feel like he was the one I was meant to end up with, and I've fucked it. I've tried to ignore these thoughts for years but I finally admit it

It sounds like you generally get cold feet in relationships. Maybe focus on that rather than being sure your life would be perfect if you'd stayed with an ex?

Itsnotover · 27/12/2021 09:18

15 years really isn't much of an age gap either

whenwillthemadnessend · 27/12/2021 09:18

A friend of a friend has spent the last ten years chasing men. Finally she got one. Got rid of her dh and has treated her teens like shit over the new man

Totally wrong

I'm sure he will also get bored and move on as he is in his 50s and never settled down before. A real player.

She will be left with what?

I wouldn't want her life.

GoodnightGrandma · 27/12/2021 09:19

I find that the age gap feels bigger as you get older.
And him being older is no guarantee that he will die first.

Bagelsandbrie · 27/12/2021 09:20

It sounds like you are mistaking those early giddy lusty feelings for “love” and pining after that. Those feelings only last a short time. It’s not real love. Real love is finding someone you can live with happily, someone to support you through good and bad times, to care for each other when you’re unwell / develop health issues (which most people do as they get older) and share things with. Sex and romance are fleeting.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 27/12/2021 09:40

@Waftypants

You're not a shit person but you do need to get a grip of this before you make another decision you'll probably regret. The past is in the past. If you can't let it go I suggest you find a counsellor to talk to.

Agree. Because you also have 2 children to think about before you muck up their lives through any unthought through actions.

Original poster

unspokensecret · 27/12/2021 09:59

@GoodnightGrandma

I find that the age gap feels bigger as you get older. And him being older is no guarantee that he will die first.

Doesn't this just confirm that I've made the wrong choice then? An ever widening gap isn't going to be a good thing. I didn't think about that at 22. That didn't occur to me.

I'm not denying he's a good man but it sounds like long term it will not be viable so he was the wrong person to have children with.

Perhaps that's why I'm so stuck in the past.

OP posts:

Double3xposure · 27/12/2021 10:05

@HairyFanjoBanjo

You sound very emotionally disordered, co-dependant and insecure and that your whole persona depends on sexual attention/validation from men (in your case it’s exes who have been your source / supply until this point).

If you don’t get some help this will be your life. Just think how grim and exhausting a lifetime of chasing exes (or various men) will be, just to get your attention fixes. A life built around having to constantly fill your male attention black hole!

How exhausting and limited a life you are leading by constantly focusing on men and how to get abs keep their attention.

Ask yourself why? Look at your childhood experiences. Book some therapy.

This. You are not a shit person but you have developed some unhealthy coping strategies.

Please get some counselling/ therapy now, before you destroy your marriage and become even more unhappy.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 27/12/2021 10:09

@BoPeeple

I think you’re being refreshingly honest OP. Many women feel like you - they just don’t admit it. So no, I don’t think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with you. Many people struggle with monogamy and many women love the thrill of men wanting them.

I think you need to try to work out what else could fill that void though, as it could be destructive - for you, your DH and your kids. Could you afford a therapist to talk through it all?

Men feel like this too. well, I do. I had a long conversation with my brother about it.

One of the issues with being promiscuous is, the memories and experiences with others can pollute our thinking, it's very pervasive.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 27/12/2021 10:20

I'm not denying he's a good man but it sounds like long term it will not be viable so he was the wrong person to have children with.

Then leave him. Stop cheating and spending so much brain space on made up perfect lives you would have had with exs. Stop being wank fodder for men, whilst still being with him. Stop getting your jollys by being 'desired' by men who probably have several women setting them.

How that makes you feel better, I can't understand.

Leave. Not for someone else. For you. Start actually thinking before you jump from relationship to relationship.

wheresmymojo · 27/12/2021 10:20

@unspokensecret

Perhaps consider that 'running back to an ex' and 'not appreciating what you have now' is your pattern.

A pattern that is down to you and actually unrelated to how suitable your relationship is.

I would seek counselling to understand where this pattern has come from and the root of your dissatisfaction and desire to run back to an ex before making any big decisions.

One of my favourite sayings is quite relevant here: "The grass is greenest where you water it"

AgathaX · 27/12/2021 10:50

Your pooor husband. Does he know the way you feel? That you resent him for being older, for being a good man and father, for building a solid life and home for your family? Does he know that you just want to run off and find someone younger to shag?
I'd imagine he must at least suspect that you are unhappy and dissatisfied.
Where do you see your children fitting into this fantasy life you want so much?
I suggest you start with some counselling to try to work out what your issues really are. If that doesn't help then it might be time for an honest conversation with your husband. Tell him how you feel, let him have the opportunity to leave now and find real happiness with someone who'll love him for him.

Ibane · 27/12/2021 11:13

If you leave your DH, OP — though your logic for why the relationship will not be ‘viable’ in future is strange — I would spend at least five years without dating or even considering a relationship. You need to be longterm single (and have some strenuous therapy with someone good) to get over your addiction to male validation.

inheritancetrack · 27/12/2021 11:15

You sound as immature now as you did at 21.

Nailsbythesea · 27/12/2021 11:21

When I was 24 I met the 'love of my life' he was interesting, thoughtful, passionate, great sex, committed and perfect.

However I had be raised in a highly toxic household and with abusive parents.

We were together for 3 years. Eventually I left him as for me it didn't seem right something was missing I realised too late it was stress -they was no stress no arguing just mature conversation -ie what I had not been raised with -I realised my mistake and asked him to take me back -he was broken and didn't trust me and realised I wasn't right for him -I WASN'T RIGHT FOR HIM so the answer was no. A year later he got together with someone I knew and married her and 20 years later still happily married with 4 great kids -they pop up on Facebook sometimes. I will love him until the day I die. He was perfect.I tried to contact me as a friend -he never replied -because he just wouldn't even be friends with me.

Counselling is your answer.

Enjoy what you have.

I'm single and would really love to meet a nice kind man who would support me.

spotcheck · 27/12/2021 11:28

I just enjoyed him falling at my feet saying he's waited years to hear from me and thought he'd lost me. Strung him along a couple months then blocked him when it stopped scratching an itch. Now I'm obsessing over the other. There's something wrong with me isn't there?

Maybe get to therapy.
Narcissistic behaviour there.

ChristmasFluff · 27/12/2021 11:30

Yeah, the obvious thing is to end it with your husband.

He'll soon enough be the next ex you are hankering after

TheWeeDonkey · 27/12/2021 12:16

I had a friend like this. An Oliver Twist, always looking over the current boyfriend's shoulder. Never contented even with a really good one, also loved the drama and happy to create some if there wasn't any going on.

Her dad was exactly the same, always a bit on the side. He treated her and her mother like shit.

They were both exhausting and deeply unhappy people.

Its a cycle OP, get help before you ruin your life.

NandorTheRelentless · 27/12/2021 12:21

I live rurally now and feel dissatisfied. With my ex I would of lived in a city, had kids and built a life with someone who could of been there until the end. Had many many more years of passion and sex.

Or you stayed with your ex and had 3 dc without getting married, he had a high powered career, and left you for someone else, and now you're using food banks and cleaning toilets on minimum wage (* nothing wrong with cleaning toilets, it just hard work)

Ginger1982 · 27/12/2021 12:22

I feel really sorry for your poor husband. Do him a favour and leave him.

Original poster

unspokensecret · 27/12/2021 13:27

I may well sound childish but I am just trying to be completely honest so I can get the best advice. I bet the many posters here saying how sorry they feel for him would be the same posters to warn against age gap relationships in different threads.

I can entirely acknowledge what people are saying about there being a pattern, and about seeking therapy to work through these issues. I had a bout of NHS therapy but found it not much use to be honest, they just spoke a lot about mindfulness and didn't help me with anything meaningful.

It is hard to fully appreciate what I have here when there are some factors that can't be changed. If I was in the exact same situation but with a man my own age I feel I'd be totally on board with the advice to just try and make it work and be grateful for what I have. However there is always going to be something that my ex's, or anyone I could potentially go on to meet if we weren't together have over him and that is age. If I stay here I am unavoidably at a loss in many ways.

They are his kids, and yes perhaps selfish of me to have them without thinking of the long term implications. I guess I never thought that long term, at 22 I didn't dwell much on when I'm 50, or 60 etc.

I guess that's what it comes down to - maybe settling for nice, kind, good father, loyal and caring is enough - but not when you're betting against the odds with your future?

OP posts:

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