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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I admit it. I've made a huge mistake

120 replies

unspokensecret · 26/12/2021 20:47

8 years ago, when I was 21, I had a boyfriend who was funny, kind, attractive and was like my best friend. He was 24. We had sexual compatibility. We had so much passion and spark and fancied each other so much. We lived in a city. We had fun. I made a mistake and ran away. I was immature and stupid and tried everything to fix it but he wouldn't take me back.

Now I'm married to a man 15 years older with two kids and we have a gorgeous house and a nice life and we genuinely get on. He's kind, a brilliant dad, I feel comfortable around him but we don't have that passion. I don't enjoy sex with him in the same way I did with my ex. I am not as attracted to him as I am to my ex.

I keep thinking oh god I've settled, haven't I? For someone nice and stable and a good dad but without that spark and passion. That I've written that off. That I've even written off getting old with my husband as with an age gap that won't happen. Why did I choose this? What have I done?

I should of stayed with my ex, I live rurally now and feel dissatisfied. With my ex I would of lived in a city, had kids and built a life with someone who could of been there until the end. Had many many more years of passion and sex. What the fuck do I do now?

OP posts:
me4real · 26/12/2021 21:50

@Bananarama21 The woman in Sex/Life didn't string along one ex for thrills while actually wanting another one.

Thinking about exs and great sex you had etc isn't unusual.

But I wouldn't watch Sex/Life @unspokensecret if you haven't yet. It'd probably make it worse. Grin

Doesntfeellikexmas · 26/12/2021 21:51

I should of stayed with my ex, I live rurally now and feel dissatisfied. With my ex I would of lived in a city, had kids and built a life with someone who could of been there until the end. Had many many more years of passion and sex

You have no clue that's what you would have had. Why would you assume that definitely what you would have had.

Chances are your life would have fallen into a familiar, but slightly boring rhythm. You have no clue if you would have still lived in a city. Or had kids. They certainly wouldn't have been your kids. You really dream of your kids not existing and having different ones instead?

And how do you know he would have been there til the end. Many marriages end in divorce. He could have died young. He may not have even wanted to marry you.

Mum and Dad are the same age. Mum died 3 weeks ago at 66. Dad is facing his final years (which is likely to be a fairly long time given his fitness and family history) alone, even though his wife was just 16 weeks older.

You made choices. Now you regret them. Instead of wasting your life wishing everything you have, away and generally acting awfully (the texting), take responsibility and make new choices. Leave your husband and your comfortable life and go chase hot sex, if that's your priority.

Or get some counselling, work on your marriage and try and find some happiness, before you do that

SunflowerTed · 27/12/2021 00:02

Must be exhausting chasing the past

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 27/12/2021 03:21

OP, similar to you I had a girlfriend who was funny, kind, attractive and was like my best friend. We had sexual compatibility. We had so much passion and spark and fancied each other so much. We had fun.

In our case, we got married. Had kids. Bought a house.

Then, in the space of a single year, the kids made life stressful. We both. She got depressed. She met someone who was fitter and taller than me (over the golden 6ft mark) who put her on a pedastal. After a decade together, I'd become too much "same old, same old" in comparison (no matter how many compliments I gave her, they didn't work the same way - as she told me, she expected them from as I was her husband). I couldn't compete. She pretty much forced me to file for divorce.

You have no idea whatsoever how it may have worked out with this guy. Chances are, if from what your saying, "passion" and excitement are a big deal for you, you'd have been looking for a way out or fantasing about someone else the moment you had the kids and hit the seven year itch. Life, alas, does become mundane - it takes effort to make it less so - and you can't passively rely on another person to keep the fires burning through their personality alone. As I found, that's not how it works.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 27/12/2021 03:23

*"We both" should be "for us both".

ShippingNews · 27/12/2021 03:39

I've even written off getting old with my husband as with an age gap that won't happen.

I resent the age difference in my marriage that I know will make my life miserable one day

These comments are ridiculous, op. So your husband is 15 years older than you - about 45 I guess . These comments sound like you assume that he'll either die or get old and frail , and poor you will be stuck with being his widow / nursemaid. What is more likely, is that IF you stay with him and don't ditch him for one of your exes, you would probably grow old with him and have a nice life together .

I'm in that older age group and I know plenty of couples where one is in their 60' - 70's and the other is in their 80's. And you know what ? They are still having a good time together.

I think you are making some excuses to leave your DH , by predicting how miserable you'd be if you stayed with this decrepit old man . It's him I feel sorry for . It might be better to do him a massive favour and leave, so he can find someone who actually wants to be with him.

BellatricksStrange · 27/12/2021 03:50

Honestly all this talk of having made a mistake just sound like excuses for cheating.

ElinorOliphant · 27/12/2021 03:58

I’ve got a couple of friends like this,they all have affairs and they need to feel desired by men. They would also admit that they are not happy deep down and it’s an unhealthy pattern.

Another friend is newly single and addicted to online dating! Also not happy as no one currently ‘obsessed’ with her.

I don’t know the answers but these friends all admit they need therapy (and some of them have had some) to find the root cause of this issue. 2/3 have had bad relationships with their Dads,not sure if that is important or not.

Hawkins001 · 27/12/2021 04:04

I made a similar pickle, my current ex, now settled with family and dh, if I had not been stubborn in the relationship, things I suspect would of been very different, and unless they split, and even then it has to be on my ex, terms, and then her dp would always have a presence, in her life, due to his kids, so basically, I lost what could of been a trustworthy lady.

Aphrodite31 · 27/12/2021 04:10

Life, alas, does become mundane - it takes effort to make it less so - and you can't passively rely on another person to keep the fires burning through their personality alone.

@TossaCointoYerWitcha I know just what you mean. In your situation, your role by definition cut you out of the running for being the passionate excitement. You were the safe dependable part of the furniture ... (in her eyes, her perspective).

It takes active work on one's mindset to find that familiarity and domestic closeness with a partner sexy, and sustainably so. It is more than possible. You just have to shift your thinking slightly. To make a quantum difference. To find things like the power between you to make new life super sexy. To build layer upon layer of love with each new day of experience together. To feel, as a woman, that it is more sexy to have sex a thousand times with one other, than for a thousand men to want you.

(oh and @TossaCointoYerWitcha - I don't subscribe to the golden height model - I lay awake next to my (5'9'm) partner thinking a lot about that too - it's the kind of thing teenage girls value, and linked to signs of sexual maturity in adolescent males - once you're all past 20, it should stop mattering in the same way). (Especially as your sexual maturity has clearly been proven ...)

@TossaCointoYerWitcha is right, OP, that this takes work and a definite decision. His wife wasn't there, and nor, it seems, are you.

You are questioning the very foundation of your relationship. Did you marry him and build this life just because you wanted the security and status and a few other perks like a house and kids? - you ask yourself.

Do you actually fancy your husband? How much older is he, that you say one day you definitely will find the age gap a problem?

Don't beat yourself up about the decision process (or non-decision process) that got you with him. But I think do beat yourself up a bit now about your urge to need to be 'wanted' (aka wanked over ...?). You have more than just yourself now in the boat. You have your children. Life is very easy and calm and secure now - even if that doesn't feel like what you want, it is what they need. It is very good for them.

Either work on loving what you have, or be duplicitous and feed your desires with these covert conversations and flirtations, but whatever you do - consider growing up. You have it very good. It could be very bad, for you and the children (and the poor older DH).

Or leave, break up the home, distress and confuse the kids, in pursuit of a satisfaction you may never find within a secure domestic long term relationship.

Face up to this: you lost the ex you think was best. You vacillated on the major decision of who to be with. It was understandable to question your choice - it's a big decision - but it was not acceptable to run from one to another, and the result was you lost the option.

Is the dilemma now whether you should contact the best ex?

RantyAunty · 27/12/2021 04:27

No man is going to make your life perfect. A good happy life comes from you, not anyone else.

Instead of chatting to exs, seek out some counseling.

Donotgogentle · 27/12/2021 04:36

@unspokensecret

I do have a pattern. Just a few months ago I got caught up messaging the ex (not the one I ran away from, but the one I ran away to) and it all went way too far. Wildly inappropriate. But the thrill made me feel something again.

I think a lot about the passion I had in my life when younger, it definitely has a hold on me. I had 2 very passionate relationships. I was quite toxic, and it was the thrill of being wanted. I felt I had power over them and abused it really. The ex I was messaging not long ago I was just lying through my teeth to, about how I always think about them, wish we could have sex one last time etc. I don't even feel that way, I just enjoyed him falling at my feet saying he's waited years to hear from me and thought he'd lost me. Strung him along a couple months then blocked him when it stopped scratching an itch. Now I'm obsessing over the other. There's something wrong with me isn't there? I think I'm just a shit person

You sound too insecure and needy to ever be satisfied with the love of one person. I doubt it matters who that person is.
thenewduchessoflapland · 27/12/2021 04:51

@Bananarama21

You literally described the plot to the TV series sex life
I was just thinking that.
grapewine · 27/12/2021 05:16

You're basically on here making excuses for having emotional affairs and possibly cheating. If it's such a problem that you're husband is older, then divorce him, but don't make out you didn't know - the age gap isn't news.

You sound like you won't be happy with anyone. Perhaps get some therapy for that. No ex is going to fix your life. Sex won't either.

tcjotm · 27/12/2021 05:27

So you’re 29 and married with two kids. Sounds like you’re coming up to 30 and having a bit of a crisis about settling down young. If it’s any consolation, my friends and 8 had similar crises at that age because we didn’t have anyone to marry and settle down with 🤷‍♀️

You need to get a grip and live in the present. The past is over. You can divorce and join the early 30 somethings who are still partying but within a decade they’ll mostly have joined your current life too.

We grow up - life just isn’t that exciting in the long run as it is in those years of early adulthood.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 27/12/2021 07:34

You sound very emotionally disordered, co-dependant and insecure and that your whole persona depends on sexual attention/validation from men (in your case it’s exes who have been your source / supply until this point).

If you don’t get some help this will be your life. Just think how grim and exhausting a lifetime of chasing exes (or various men) will be, just to get your attention fixes. A life built around having to constantly fill your male attention black hole!

How exhausting and limited a life you are leading by constantly focusing on men and how to get abs keep their attention.

Ask yourself why? Look at your childhood experiences. Book some therapy.

Namenic · 27/12/2021 08:19

Perhaps think about the good things you have in your life. A good DH, children. Please delete the messages to your old ex and delete his number too - if ur DH finds those, it will be difficult to explain (even if you didn’t do anything physical) and may lead to trust issues. I think you need counselling. Maybe focus how you can improve the relationships you have right now - do new stuff together and have fun.

Bellsandsnow · 27/12/2021 08:21

Are the kids yours? If they are then you need to grow up and take responsibility for what you have.

User135644 · 27/12/2021 08:27

Do you always think entirely with your genitals?

Member589500 · 27/12/2021 08:29

Leave your poor husband so he becomes an amazing ex. Sounds like the only way you’ll ever appreciate him.

Bagelsandbrie · 27/12/2021 08:41

I was a lot like you when I was younger. I was a bit wild at 18 and settled down at 22 and had my dd, then got divorced, then had another wild time, then got married again. Then divorced again (that wasn’t my fault this time, he left me for someone else). Then had another wild time… pattern here??? Then met and married my now dh who I’ve been with for 15 years. I’m now mid 40s and finally settled down. It will happen to you - but it sounds like you aren’t there yet. And that’s okay actually. You don’t have to stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy. But I don’t think you know yourself well yet, you still sound incredibly young and not ready to settle down yet - that’s why you’re focusing on the past.

NumaNumaYay · 27/12/2021 08:47

You sound quite bound up in how things can be presented - for e.g., a mortgage has nothing to do with your marriage or passion.

You may find your dh also wants to find a bit of passion. Can you plan something fun for the two of you?

Honestly you sound like you're stuck in daily drudgery (like many of us) and think that sleeping with someone else will change any of that. It won't - your exes and other men are all humans who are boring and unattractive at times. They might say the right things for a shag but they're not the partner who is with you for life.

userrname · 27/12/2021 08:50

Get a grip and start treating your husband with the respect he deserves. Life for most people at ages of 17 - 22 isn’t the real world. You can’t compare now to then. That phase in life has passed.

pictish · 27/12/2021 08:55

Stop fantasising about your ex. You’ve invented this entire alternative life where you’re living in the city and everything’s perfect between you….but it has no basis in reality whatsoever. It’s just sheer conjecture.
You have no idea how things might have turned out with the other guy - there is no ‘other life’ you have missed out on except in your head. It’s a fantasy.

pictish · 27/12/2021 09:01

Seriously, if you’re not into your dh any more, then you’re not…but don’t be imagining this ex of your youth as the one that got away and holding him up as some sort of example to compare your husband with. Your dh will never trump a fantasy. No one can.