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Original poster

I admit it. I've made a huge mistake

120 replies

unspokensecret · 26/12/2021 20:47

8 years ago, when I was 21, I had a boyfriend who was funny, kind, attractive and was like my best friend. He was 24. We had sexual compatibility. We had so much passion and spark and fancied each other so much. We lived in a city. We had fun. I made a mistake and ran away. I was immature and stupid and tried everything to fix it but he wouldn't take me back.

Now I'm married to a man 15 years older with two kids and we have a gorgeous house and a nice life and we genuinely get on. He's kind, a brilliant dad, I feel comfortable around him but we don't have that passion. I don't enjoy sex with him in the same way I did with my ex. I am not as attracted to him as I am to my ex.

I keep thinking oh god I've settled, haven't I? For someone nice and stable and a good dad but without that spark and passion. That I've written that off. That I've even written off getting old with my husband as with an age gap that won't happen. Why did I choose this? What have I done?

I should of stayed with my ex, I live rurally now and feel dissatisfied. With my ex I would of lived in a city, had kids and built a life with someone who could of been there until the end. Had many many more years of passion and sex. What the fuck do I do now?

OP posts:
Double3xposure · 27/12/2021 13:37

Well at least have the decency to tell your husband that it’s over and make plans for your separation and the care of your children. Because you have obviously made your decision.

Don’t keep him hanging on while you have emotional affairs.

Christmasismyoyster · 27/12/2021 13:44

So you ran back to an ex
Like you’re trying to do now?

Maybe it’s not the relationships…

Why don’t you try to improve your current relationship Rather than just seeing positive in the old ones and trying to go back to that.

Also you had no children and were several years younger. Are you dreaming of that young, responsibility free lifestyle rather than him personally

Christmasismyoyster · 27/12/2021 13:46

Just read your updates
Sounds like your done.
Go back to therapy and try being alone for a bit rather than going back to an ex everytime you want to leave a relationship

oviraptor21 · 27/12/2021 14:07

It sounds to me like you spend too much time in the past and in the future and not enough time in the now.
What is the now like? You mentioned being stuck out in the countryside and preferring the city. But you don't say anything else about your life or even really about your DH. Do you love him? Do you respect him? Do you do things together? Do you parent together well? What are the good things about hour relationship now and what are the bad things now?
Are there things you can change while staying with him? Could you move back to the city? Could you spend more time there, eg. with friends? Could you find more things to do ... exciting things - by whatever definition of excitement fits you (but not by having affairs!). Think through all this and then think whether your life would be better or more fulfilled without him. And then whether it's worth disrupting your family for.

AgathaX · 27/12/2021 14:25

If you really loved your husband, 15 years wouldn't seem like the issue you're suggesting it is.
I hope you take on board people's comments and suggestions. Your husband, and your children too to some extent, is the one in a bad situation. You owe it to him to be honest now and let him make his own choice over whether to continue in this relationship or leave it.

Doesntfeellikexmas · 27/12/2021 14:25

Op, I mean this kindly. Stop talking shit.

The problem he isn't age. The issue is you.

I probably would advertise advised against you getting with someone 15 year older.

But you have already got married. And alot of your reasons still don't make sense.

Like you being sure that your ex would definitely have stayed with you forever and not died first.

Sounds to me like you jump in, get what you want out if a relationship then runaway.

You made the decision to get married and have kids. You then made the decision to cheat. You are now making the decision to emotionally check out of your marriage....but while still getting the benefits. Like stability.

You say you regret settling down. So fix it.

Stop making out you regret certain choices, whilst still actively making the same choices then pretending its not your fault

TheWeeDonkey · 27/12/2021 14:36

Well it seems you've made your choice OP. Best get out now. At 45 and as you say a good guy with lots going for him he deserves better than being with a serial cheat who doesn't appreciate him.

You go back to your ex and then when you get bored go on to the next one and then the next one 😴

Eleganz · 27/12/2021 14:36

You are blaming your husband and his age for your life choices. You are creating some alternative timeline that would never have happened, again because of your choices.

Your choices.

No doubt you will justify any future infidelity in the same way (sounds like you are building up the excuses for that now - "too old" "lack of exciting sex"). Essentially you are saying that your husband has served his purpose and your wandering mind is entirely justified as you think about trading him in for a younger model.

I think you have some serious issues and probably need professional help. Your ex had the good sense to realise that your behaviour was a red flag, I feel sorry for your husband.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 14:39

He could have been a crap dad. He could have died of a number of things and left yo u widowed. You could have found that spark dissipated with time. You could have had unexplained infertility. You could have so many things.

If you're unhappy in your marriage, deal with that. Pretending you know life with a guy who wouldn't forgive you for a mistake would now be perfect is incorrect and pointless

me4real · 27/12/2021 14:43

@unspokensecret How bad is the sex? With my guy with a similar age difference, there was virtually permanent premature ejaculation (just something he happened to have) and near-constant impotence (he had a disability on top of his age, which effected things.

Unless someone has been in that situation and sees it ahead of them permanently, they can't really understand what it's like.

Is it that level of bad? Or 'just' that as you're shagging him you see a face above you that you don't find attractive anymore (I've been there, too.)

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 14:44

Re being together til the end. Yes he could die at 60 but then you'd be with someone else pretty quickly so you could still find someone your own age. Or you could die at 60 and leave him aged 75 on his own thinking how he could have decades alone. You just don't know.

But honestly, it doesn't sound like you want to be with HIM so leave, split custody at least 50/50 and go off and have lots of single woman sex. See if that's keeping you company when you're 70

Original poster
unspokensecret · 27/12/2021 15:19

[quote me4real]@unspokensecret How bad is the sex? With my guy with a similar age difference, there was virtually permanent premature ejaculation (just something he happened to have) and near-constant impotence (he had a disability on top of his age, which effected things.

Unless someone has been in that situation and sees it ahead of them permanently, they can't really understand what it's like.

Is it that level of bad? Or 'just' that as you're shagging him you see a face above you that you don't find attractive anymore (I've been there, too.)[/quote]
I just don't really want it with him, but still want it in general. It's not bad performance wise other than me not being into it. I don't think I really fancy him anymore.

OP posts:
Hopingforabagofbuttons · 27/12/2021 15:31

Justify it however you want . You sound really immature and self absorbed. You’re just obsessing over exes and how your life could have been so much better with them. You can’t possibly know that.
My advice would be to grow up, invest all this excess mental energy into caring for your DC and tell your DP that you want to split and work out how to co parent in a way that will have the least negative impact on them. Let the man go on to find someone decent who will love and care for him, and bring something worthwhile to his life. He definitely doesn’t have that now, nothing even close.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 15:35

How old are you op?

Gooders1105 · 27/12/2021 15:39

Read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. Deals brilliantly with regrets.

Moonface123 · 27/12/2021 15:45

You just have to accept it wasn' t meant to be,.if it was you wouldn't be in situation your in now.
Most people come into your life for a reason, or a season, very few stay the distance.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 27/12/2021 16:09

I find your age gap concerns such a weird thing to fixate on. Either one of you could be hit by a bus tomorrow. Or ger cancer and die next year. You just don't know. He's 45 not 60...

grapewine · 27/12/2021 16:11

Have the decency to divorce your husband so he doesn't waste the rest of his life with someone who doesn't want him.

Original poster
unspokensecret · 27/12/2021 16:46

@SleepingStandingUp

How old are you op?
I've just turned 29
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 16:48

So he's not even old yet and yet your obsessing over him dying of old age

Eleganz · 27/12/2021 17:03

@SleepingStandingUp

So he's not even old yet and yet your obsessing over him dying of old age
It is about creating an internal justification for her feelings to justify future actions such as infidelity. This is pretty common. She is creating alternate timelines and revising her own history to suit.
Dery · 27/12/2021 17:17

@unspokensecret - you’re looking for men to fix you. At a very young age, you seem to have internalised a message that you were not good enough and you have rushed from one man to another for external validation. You have spent absolutely no time alone as an adult and you haven’t learnt to stand on your own two feet, look after yourself or work out what you - Unspoken - want from life as an independent human being. The 20s is the perfect decade for doing that but instead you’ve rushed from one man to another. Now you’re looking for some complete fantasy guy to fill that void in you. Here’s a newsflash - only you can fill that void. Until you realise that, you will continue to hanker after fantasy romances.

I think you would benefit hugely from therapy to unpick all this.

As for your DH - I have slightly mixed feelings about his role in all this. As a guy in his late 30s, he chose to pursue a woman in her early 20s and then he pressed ahead with things on his timeline, not yours. That said, you chose to date him and put yourself in this situation and that’s on you.

So all in all - I think therapy to unpick why you feel so empty and why you look to men to fix that - and how to change it - would be really good for you.

AlternativePerspective · 27/12/2021 17:21

OP if a woman posted here that her DH was messaging his ex’s telling them how much he would like to have sex with them one last time and how it was her fault because there was an age difference and they had kids and a mortgage the unanimous response would be that she should throw him out and take him to the cleaners.

You’re not special or different here. You’re just someone who wants to habitually shag other men and is justifying it by turning your husband into the bad guy. It’s the age old script, the kind that women are told to look out for in men.

I am 99% sure you would have cheated on this ex if you’d stayed with him, and would have cheated on anyone after him, you’re essentially a serial cheat in the making because you want passionate sex.

Newsflash, no relationship stays passionate for the duration, once mortgages and kids and responsibilities happen relationships change. It’s called real life.

Your DH should leave you, and insist on 50/50 contact for the kids. Is passionate sex worth not seeing your kids for 50% of the time?

You’re not seeing the real picture here. And you could die before your husband. There are no guarantees in life.

NumaNumaYay · 27/12/2021 18:25

An ever widening gap isn't going to be a good thing. I didn't think about that at 22. That didn't occur to me.

Are you a super physicist?
How have you found a way to expand time?

If anything the age gap will seem even smaller as you get older.

FreedomFaith · 27/12/2021 18:36

So you've cheated on your husband now, with an ex that you've ran back to twice now, just because you want 'passion' and 'sex'? Jesus christ...

Just leave your husband. He deserves someone who wants to be with him. You're only with him for convenience. Leave him, go shag the ex you're so desperate for that you can't even prevent yourself messaging him. I mean you'll ruin your life, you'll have no home, your husband will hate you, your children will likely think you're an idiot and the ex will leave you so you'll be alone, but hey, you'll have more memories of good shags. That makes it worth it, right?