Did I do the right thing? And WTF do I do now? I am so scared :(

[AnneSally2]

At my parents for xmas along with sister & bro in law and their two (young adult) children. We all live within a few mins walk of one another. Plan was to eat dinner there then walk over to my Sister and bro in laws closby to do presents and have a few drinks/play games etc.

As dinner is being cleared away, my Dad starts getting irritable and angry and having a go at my Mum and me

As we're getting ready to leave, my dog takes her bone and starts eating it on the carpet and she's hiding. Sister and others have left and BIL is just leaving.

I go to get her but she's tangled around a chair and my Dad starts shouting really loudly at me 'Just get hold of the fucking dog' and I said I'm trying and then I decided to go and get her lead to put on her ( I realise this all sounds stupid and over nothing, which it is) so I go to get her lead but It's a gap between table and wall and Dad's standing there and as I approach I say '' stop shouting' and 'please stop shouting' and he says 'no I won't!'

I go up to get past him and ask please get out of my way and he shouts 'I'll come through you in a minute!' I said again please let me pass' and he says 'What you gonna do?!' still shouting. I didn't flinch ( I would have in the past, get past him get dog lead and leave.

Shortly after I got home my Mum rings, everyone has gone and she needs a hand carrying things over and why have I gone. I said I am sorry but I dont want to be in same room as him, but I will come and help her.
So I return and help her carry things to sister and BILs. She says people will wonder where I am and I say 'Well he can tell them can't he'.
Then I go home again.

I've been home maybe 40 mins and Dad knocks at door and says 'Please come over. You can't just upset their christmas...' I interject with 'You can't just make threats'

'I didn't make threats'
'Yes you did, you said you'd come through me'

(Shouting angrily again now)
'You can't just go around telling lies...' I dont know what else he said because I closed the door.

Backstory is, he has been this way my whole life. I grew up terrified of men and have had some awful relationships since before coming out as gay in my late twenties. He scares me so much even now but I just don't want to accept men (including him) squaring up to me, threatening me, trying to scare me, blocking my path.

I heard him after this saying 'You lying little bitch' and 'That's it, I don't have a daughter, we're DONE'

It's hard to convey in text. He's such a LOUD person, he's a large man, he's physically and mentally abused me as a child and continues in adulthood although he hasn't hit me since I was about 15.

I'm so scared. My family probably all hate me now. I dont know what they're saying.
If Dad had remained calm and not raised his voice at me again I'd have gone back over. He can't control his anger and I dont want to be okay with it :(

What shall I do? :( I am still shaking.

Forgot to add, when he was blocking my path he also said ' And what you going to do?!' to me :(

You've done something that takes a lot of guys, you've stood up to a bully and told him you're not taking it anymore. Hard enough to any old bully, even harder to a family member. You should be proud of yourself for having the strength to say 'fuck this' and walk away from it all.

Don't worry about what they are saying because the probability is they are just seeing someone who stood up to a loud mouth bully, they probably wish they could too but don't to 'keep the peace'

Well done you.

Firstly, well done. I know how hard that is. You’ve done the right thing. Toxic masculinity has ruled your life. I’m proud of you. Stay strong. Surround yourself with friends and calm loving people. Get support to stay away from him. He’s a bully and that’s why he escalated when he knew you wouldn’t back down

Guts not guys

You should be really proud you chose to remove yourself from this situation and not back down to the gaslighting.
You should never be okay with anyone intimidating you, especially someone who is supposed to love you and protect you.
He won't ever change his ways but that doesn't mean you have to be around it anymore.

Thank you.
I. At home and I live alone. If he'd have apologised and not got angry when I said he shouldn't make threats I'd have gone back over. My Mum's upset. I'm still shaking. My whole family will see me as the bad guy I'm sure. He said he's done with me and I'm worried I've ruined Xmas although I know I'm not the one who has anger issues. He'd not have done ths in front of my niece and nephew :( so worried whatll happen next now :(
But thank you

Yes you did the right thing. Now you hold your ground and put some distance between you and him. Well done, you’ve been very brave.

Well done op
. He may have lost a dd but you have rid yourself of an abuser..
He had lots to lose. You have gained power...
Your dm can visit you. You need never cross his path again.
Let the family voice their opinion.. Bet they are actually envious you have found strength.
Make 2022 about you op.

If you family believe him over you then they aren't worth having in your life tbh.

So sorry this happened OP. Good for you for standing up for yourself, and best wishes for the future

What you do now is continue speaking with the rest of your family and make sure they know what really happened, but stop speaking to your dad. Just avoid him.

@AnneSally2

Thank you. I. At home and I live alone. If he'd have apologised and not got angry when I said he shouldn't make threats I'd have gone back over. My Mum's upset. I'm still shaking. My whole family will see me as the bad guy I'm sure. He said he's done with me and I'm worried I've ruined Xmas although I know I'm not the one who has anger issues. He'd not have done ths in front of my niece and nephew :( so worried whatll happen next now :( But thank you

Your dad is a bully. Do you really think that's escaped your families notice?

Those who stand by him vocallh are either scared of him or bullies themselves. Just try and chill for a bit.

Good job standing up to the Bully.
Good job withstanding the manipulation of having to make an appearance when you don't want to.
Good job doing what is best for you.

Just embrace and own being "the little bitch" in his eyes. It takes away what power he thinks he has over you.

Move away - don't be within walking distance if your nasty father.

(Haven't talked to mine in 25 years)

Well done we did this with my toxic family went nc best thing I’ve ever done.

I bet he can control his anger when he wants to.
You don’t have to see him again. He won’t change. He won’t stop being abusive.

Does he hit your mum?

He is not abusive because he is angry. He is angry because he is abusive.

He uses the horrible behaviour to make you feel intimidated and unsafe.

Well done on shutting that door.
Keep it shut.

I'd be very clear with the rest of my family as to where I stand. Tomorrow once the dust has settled, i would let them know (not him, no need to speak to him anymore) you are done with his bullying and abuse and hope they can respect your decision. Make it clear they are not to play go-between. You are done with him, end of story.

Well done stay strong

Any family that support his treatment of you is not family you need or want in your life

Thank you for all the advice.

I just feel so upset. I think I could have handled it better when he came around but 'I'll come through you in a minute' is a threat?Isn't it? so how was I lying? Perhaps he doesn't recall saying that?

In any case I just don't 'do' angry men any more :(

But I feel so guilty that I broke the xmas day family thing up and that my Mum will be upset now and there's probably an atmosphere. I am not certain if my BIL heard or not, he was sort of hanging about but about to leave and he had left by time it was over and I left, so I dont know how much if any of it he heard but other than that just my Mum heard. I don't want any arguing or for them to not have a good xmas because of this. I dont want to cause upset for anyone.
I don't know who will contact me next.

I sent my Mum a message saying something like 'I'm sorry for upsetting you but not sorry for what I've done, I wouldn't want anyone else to accept that behavior from anyone so I don't accept it toward me either. Hope you all have a good night' and one to my Sister saying I was sorry and would see her soon. I sent those shortly after it happened.

@thenewduchessoflapland

Does he hit your mum?

He used to but hasn't in years (decades) now.

You have nothing to appologise for. he is a bully and you stood up for yourself. Brilliantly, I might add.

He recalls saying it perfectly btw. Don't be gaslighted into thinking you somehow imagined his abuse. He abused you for years, your family, he hit your mum once upon a time. He is vile and you are well rid. I really hope your mum and sisters follow your lead someday soon.

What you should do is move very far away

My husband’s dad is the same. He’s a loud, angry, aggressive gaslighter. The last time squared up to my husband and screamed in his face that he was a failure was ten years ago. After a lifetime of goading, my husband pushed past him to walk out and he fell over (he was uninjured.)

Since then we’ve had barley anything to do with the lot of them. He’s tried every trick in the book to get my H to fall back into line. Lying, spreading bullshit around the community, more aggression, persuasion. But never an apology.

It’s hurtful to my husband and he’s still very upset about the whole thing but he’s simply not prepared to be a victim to his dad anymore. All it would take is a sincere apology and an offer to try to change. But his dad won’t do that simple thing so he’s lost his son. And it is his loss.

You broke nothing.
He did.
You caused nothing.
He did.
I had a dad like that. He only stopped hitting because he didn’t have too. Everyone was too scared to step “out of line”.

I feel ive been so unfair on everybody else though by going home I've caused upset for them on cmas day. I feel terrible. But so appreciate these replies. I'm just sitting here going over it all. Don't know what to do with myself. I'm worried about my Mum. They'll argue now. :(