Did I do the right thing? And WTF do I do now? I am so scared :(

[AnneSally2]

At my parents for xmas along with sister & bro in law and their two (young adult) children. We all live within a few mins walk of one another. Plan was to eat dinner there then walk over to my Sister and bro in laws closby to do presents and have a few drinks/play games etc.

As dinner is being cleared away, my Dad starts getting irritable and angry and having a go at my Mum and me

As we're getting ready to leave, my dog takes her bone and starts eating it on the carpet and she's hiding. Sister and others have left and BIL is just leaving.

I go to get her but she's tangled around a chair and my Dad starts shouting really loudly at me 'Just get hold of the fucking dog' and I said I'm trying and then I decided to go and get her lead to put on her ( I realise this all sounds stupid and over nothing, which it is) so I go to get her lead but It's a gap between table and wall and Dad's standing there and as I approach I say '' stop shouting' and 'please stop shouting' and he says 'no I won't!'

I go up to get past him and ask please get out of my way and he shouts 'I'll come through you in a minute!' I said again please let me pass' and he says 'What you gonna do?!' still shouting. I didn't flinch ( I would have in the past, get past him get dog lead and leave.

Shortly after I got home my Mum rings, everyone has gone and she needs a hand carrying things over and why have I gone. I said I am sorry but I dont want to be in same room as him, but I will come and help her.
So I return and help her carry things to sister and BILs. She says people will wonder where I am and I say 'Well he can tell them can't he'.
Then I go home again.

I've been home maybe 40 mins and Dad knocks at door and says 'Please come over. You can't just upset their christmas...' I interject with 'You can't just make threats'

'I didn't make threats'
'Yes you did, you said you'd come through me'

(Shouting angrily again now)
'You can't just go around telling lies...' I dont know what else he said because I closed the door.

Backstory is, he has been this way my whole life. I grew up terrified of men and have had some awful relationships since before coming out as gay in my late twenties. He scares me so much even now but I just don't want to accept men (including him) squaring up to me, threatening me, trying to scare me, blocking my path.

I heard him after this saying 'You lying little bitch' and 'That's it, I don't have a daughter, we're DONE'

It's hard to convey in text. He's such a LOUD person, he's a large man, he's physically and mentally abused me as a child and continues in adulthood although he hasn't hit me since I was about 15.

I'm so scared. My family probably all hate me now. I dont know what they're saying.
If Dad had remained calm and not raised his voice at me again I'd have gone back over. He can't control his anger and I dont want to be okay with it :(

What shall I do? :( I am still shaking.

I am in awe of your courage. Don't feel guilty, feel proud of yourself.

Don't feel guilty, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You didn't ruin Xmas day, your dad did. I think most people would leave and go home following that kind of altercation, I definitely would. The only reason you're questioning whether you did the right thing is because he's conditioned you to doubt yourself.

But I feel so guilty that I broke the xmas day family thing up

You didn’t break it up, your dad did with his bad behaviour.

And yes, I would take what he said as a threat.

I’m proud of you for leaving and shutting the door on him.

Narcissists like him love to ruin holidays. Do you not think him screaming at you was what ruined the day? Not you leaving.

I'd text my mum and tell her she was welcome to come stay with you. That it's about time she found her courage to leave the bully as well.

He’s a horrible bully and horrible bullies can be extremely difficult to stand up to. Especially when they are close family.
Well done for making a stand and saying ‘I won’t accept this behaviour.’
The behaviour truly is unacceptable but you’ve been bullied into thinking it is OK (Freedom Programme finisher here!).
You don’t owe him anything x

Be sure to block him btw. So that he cannot harass you anymore. And if he kicks off outside your house again, don't open the door, just call the police. That's what they are there for.

You are brave and strong. You havent ruined anything, you’ve finally taken yourself away from an abusive man. He’s ruined Christmas, and lots of other things. It’s a shame your mum can’t stand up to him but you can’t take responsibility for that. If the rest of your family don’t support you they are cowards.

You have not been unfair. You set a limit. An appropriate one. Let people know what happened (both at their house and at yours) but for now concentrate on having a nice quiet and peaceful evening. Everyone knows what he is like by now.

Please dont back down or apologise. You did nothing wrong.

Oh my darling. You didn't ruin Christmas - your stupid bully of a father did.

He did threaten you. He is denying it but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

You were 100% right to do exactly as you did.

If anybody else in the family thinks anything is your fault they've either bought his lies or they're really not worth worrying about.

Your poor mum, still in a relationship with somebody who is so clearly an abusive bully - but that's not your responsibility.

I, an internet stranger, am SO very proud of you for your boundaries. Massive well done, you handled it perfectly.

You would be well within your rights to cut your father out of your life, and to refuse to attend any functions he is at.

Sounds like he waited for BIL to be out of the door before he started on his usual targets - your DM, you and, in order to get to you, your dog.

He's furious because you stood up to him. He didn't get the terrified silence that he relies upon to be able to scare you and your Mum.

He seems to think that you'll crawl back if he threatens you some more - which is the 'we're done' shit. Like you want to go back for more abuse and threats?

You did absolutely the right thing. He knows exactly what he did. He's mad that he doesn't have that same power over you now that he used to have when you were a scared little girl.

What you do now is stay safe. Stay away from him. He'll pretend that it's his decision, that he's cast you out - but he'll know that he was cut down to size by somebody with the bravery to face him and refuse to be his victim. Keep in contact with the other family members. Don't backtrack. And don't go back there, as abusers are higher risk when they can feel they have lost control/power. It's why he's claiming power by saying you're not his daughter anymore. Claiming that he has rejected you when you rejected him, his sad little life and his pathetic need to use his voice and his body and his threats to keep women in line.

You were so brave. Of course he's not going to like it. Tough Shit.

Thank you
Ive stopped feeling shaky. I'm still so upset and don't know what will happen next. They got me some lovely presents :( (we exchanged yesterday, meaning to open ones to/from sisters family today).

I really am glad I posted here. if he'd have been nice to me and/or apologised when he came round I would have accepted and gone back with him, it isn't as if I don't want to be wirh family today.

None of this is your fault. None. It's all his fault. If he hasn't behaved like that, you wouldn't have had to react like that. He ruined the day, not you.

Well done for standing up to him. He's a bully.

You are brave x

Fuck him off. Too many of us grew up with these kinds of 'men'. Some of them change, many don't. Was he drunk?

I am so proud of you.
My DP has still never managed to do what you did today and he's 42 and his dad is an aggressive, shouty narc just like yours.

Stay away.
You broke nothing
You ruined nothing.
Protect yourself.

@AnneSally2

Thank you Ive stopped feeling shaky. I'm still so upset and don't know what will happen next. They got me some lovely presents :( (we exchanged yesterday, meaning to open ones to/from sisters family today).

I really am glad I posted here. if he'd have been nice to me and/or apologised when he came round I would have accepted and gone back with him, it isn't as if I don't want to be wirh family today.

What will happen is that either he will sulk because he feels emasculated by you rejecting his 'power' or he'll try banging on your door again to force you to fall back into line. And if the second happens, don't open the door.

The other thing that might happen is that you might get 'he's really sorry' messages. Don't believe them. He isn't.

You will be great without his malignant presence around you. And there's a very good possibility that on the quiet, everybody else is quietly thinking that it's the best bit of the day to see him being told pretty much to fuck off repeatedly.

None of this is on you, OP. You asked him to stop shouting, to let you get past. All you've done is remove yourself from an abusive situation where the person who should love you was bullying you instead. You apologised to your mum and your sister, in fact you have nothing to apologise for, only to explain why you had to leave. Well done, that was brave. Keep your distance from him now.

Grimchmas thank you-I'd feel so much less terrible if this had have happened on ANY other day of the year to be honest.

HereticFanjo No, he wasn't drunk. I think he'd had one or two glasses of wine at most, so not totally sober but most definitely not what anyone would describe as drunk.

Ugh. I just so wish it hadn't have happened. I was really looking forward to today.

He did something similar a while ago. Flew of the handle over something and nothing and I left their house. When my Mum rang me I told her I would do the same every single time. I'm a bit annoyed anyway that they all b*ggered off and left my Mum to carry things over on her own but that's by the by really.

Thanks for all the replies especially the people who've taken time out to give me lengthy responses, taking time out of their xmas day, and those who've shared their own stories.

Me and my Mum are very close. I am so scared still of what may happen now with mine and her relationship and I am certain he'll have a go at her about this or she'll have a go at him and he'll become nasty with her.

I feel I shouldn't have done this for the reason I should protect my Mum. She's mid 70s and I'm worried how he is going to be with her.

He is causing this.
Your mum could have left at any point. You can’t make her do so. You aren’t responsible for their relationship.
You need to focus on you. Protect yourself from his abuse. Stop blaming yourself for the issues he creates.
You deserve better.

Bloody hell —- I’m not easily scared but I’d have had trouble dealing with your father. Disgusting behaviour, he sounds a bully.
I think your text to your mother was spot on. You’re in the right, he’s in the wrong. No doubt he’ll try to say it wasn’t his fault, you’re lying etc…. Ignore that and just repeat what you’ve said. He threatened you and no one has the right to do that.

Listen to everyone on here, op. You seem to be concerned that maybe he wasn’t really threatening enough or bad enough for you to have left and then stood your ground. You don’t have to justify or second guess yourself. What you’ve described is clearly well over the line of acceptable behaviour. No need to analyse the details to see that. And, yes, it does sound threatening.

Thanks again all. I'm so pleased that others agree. For years I'd never have dared do this sort of thing. I wouldn't wish anyone i cared about to do any different.

My mum has also text me saying she doesn't think I should have let him stop me going to my sisters. I asked was she okay and she says she is, just upset about the situation and doesn't know how it changed so quickly.

It's true, until that point we were all having a nice time!

Ironically, my dog hates shouting and I think she'd have come out of where she'd tucked herself a lot sooner had he calmed down! But upon typing that now, I don't think it was ever about the dog chewing her bone. He loves my dog and he's not usually bothered about things like that, and it was nothing a distpan and brush couldn't sort out.

He was just angry and anything could have tipped him.

But knowing my mum is alright has made me feel a bit better. :(

I get that it's horrible to think of your mother alone with him when he's in a temper. It does sound like it's dangerous for her. But she's had however many decades of time to leave him, she seems to have truly made her mind up.

IF he abuses your mother as a result of today it is ALL his fault. You cannot prevent him from being abusive to other people. You cannot cause him to be abusive to anybody - if he does, that's his decision to, not your fault.