Did I do the right thing? And WTF do I do now? I am so scared :(

[AnneSally2]

At my parents for xmas along with sister & bro in law and their two (young adult) children. We all live within a few mins walk of one another. Plan was to eat dinner there then walk over to my Sister and bro in laws closby to do presents and have a few drinks/play games etc.

As dinner is being cleared away, my Dad starts getting irritable and angry and having a go at my Mum and me

As we're getting ready to leave, my dog takes her bone and starts eating it on the carpet and she's hiding. Sister and others have left and BIL is just leaving.

I go to get her but she's tangled around a chair and my Dad starts shouting really loudly at me 'Just get hold of the fucking dog' and I said I'm trying and then I decided to go and get her lead to put on her ( I realise this all sounds stupid and over nothing, which it is) so I go to get her lead but It's a gap between table and wall and Dad's standing there and as I approach I say '' stop shouting' and 'please stop shouting' and he says 'no I won't!'

I go up to get past him and ask please get out of my way and he shouts 'I'll come through you in a minute!' I said again please let me pass' and he says 'What you gonna do?!' still shouting. I didn't flinch ( I would have in the past, get past him get dog lead and leave.

Shortly after I got home my Mum rings, everyone has gone and she needs a hand carrying things over and why have I gone. I said I am sorry but I dont want to be in same room as him, but I will come and help her.
So I return and help her carry things to sister and BILs. She says people will wonder where I am and I say 'Well he can tell them can't he'.
Then I go home again.

I've been home maybe 40 mins and Dad knocks at door and says 'Please come over. You can't just upset their christmas...' I interject with 'You can't just make threats'

'I didn't make threats'
'Yes you did, you said you'd come through me'

(Shouting angrily again now)
'You can't just go around telling lies...' I dont know what else he said because I closed the door.

Backstory is, he has been this way my whole life. I grew up terrified of men and have had some awful relationships since before coming out as gay in my late twenties. He scares me so much even now but I just don't want to accept men (including him) squaring up to me, threatening me, trying to scare me, blocking my path.

I heard him after this saying 'You lying little bitch' and 'That's it, I don't have a daughter, we're DONE'

It's hard to convey in text. He's such a LOUD person, he's a large man, he's physically and mentally abused me as a child and continues in adulthood although he hasn't hit me since I was about 15.

I'm so scared. My family probably all hate me now. I dont know what they're saying.
If Dad had remained calm and not raised his voice at me again I'd have gone back over. He can't control his anger and I dont want to be okay with it :(

What shall I do? :( I am still shaking.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Sounds like he waited for BIL to be out of the door before he started on his usual targets - your DM, you and, in order to get to you, your dog.

He's furious because you stood up to him. He didn't get the terrified silence that he relies upon to be able to scare you and your Mum.

He seems to think that you'll crawl back if he threatens you some more - which is the 'we're done' shit. Like you want to go back for more abuse and threats?

You did absolutely the right thing. He knows exactly what he did. He's mad that he doesn't have that same power over you now that he used to have when you were a scared little girl.

What you do now is stay safe. Stay away from him. He'll pretend that it's his decision, that he's cast you out - but he'll know that he was cut down to size by somebody with the bravery to face him and refuse to be his victim. Keep in contact with the other family members. Don't backtrack. And don't go back there, as abusers are higher risk when they can feel they have lost control/power. It's why he's claiming power by saying you're not his daughter anymore. Claiming that he has rejected you when you rejected him, his sad little life and his pathetic need to use his voice and his body and his threats to keep women in line.

You were so brave. Of course he's not going to like it. Tough Shit.

Excellent post.

You did so well, were absolutely right and mustn't doubt yourself. I have a similar father and it's taken me until age 48 to start to put boundaries in place and speak up.
I also live alone with my dog!
He is a bully. My experience of my parents is that after each blow up my mum gets teary, promises to speak to my dad, nothing changes and it's never mentioned again. And then there'll be a repeat.
Didn't go to them for Christmas for the first time this year and am proud of myself. Much happier spending the day by myself (and with dog!) and online with friends.
Good luck x

@idiotmagnet

You did so well, were absolutely right and mustn't doubt yourself. I have a similar father and it's taken me until age 48 to start to put boundaries in place and speak up. I also live alone with my dog! He is a bully. My experience of my parents is that after each blow up my mum gets teary, promises to speak to my dad, nothing changes and it's never mentioned again. And then there'll be a repeat. Didn't go to them for Christmas for the first time this year and am proud of myself. Much happier spending the day by myself (and with dog!) and online with friends. Good luck x

Well done. I bet it was much more peaceful

Well done for standing up to your toxic, abusive and most importantly, gaslighting bully of a father, OP.

I had a similar situation with my Dad. I became the outcast as my mum was upset and he became more annoyed towards me as he blamed me that she was upset (not himself for causing the situation). I stood my ground though, it wasn’t easy but I’d “kept the peace” all my life and I’d reached my limit. We weren’t on speaking terms for nearly 5 years and eventually when he realised that I was serious he apologised to me. Things will never be the same but we do communicate now. Covid almost helps with a natural distance being kept. Standing up to someone like that is hard but eventually I found it almost empowering. Hope you’re ok.

It's not your job to protect your Mum, it was her job to protect you growing up so she has to take some responsibility for how things are now. Your Mum hasn't always been mid 70's and she's had a lifetime to change things but hasn't. It doesn't matter what day of the year it was yesterday, you stood up for yourself and if anyone has an issue with that they are part of the problem and not part of the solution. Live your life and don't feel bad for those who have allowed the situation to continue. You may find your Mum recognises she is part of the problem, felt she couldn't do anything over the years to resolve for whatever reason but feels no ill will towards you for standing up to your Dad.

Good for you OP. You should be so proud of yourself for standing up to a bully.

It's incredibly hard when it's family, but you did the right thing.

Take care of yourself. Have a look at the 'stately homes' thread. The captain awkward blog has great advice for dealing with (or not dealing with) abusive and difficult relatives around the holidays.

@AnneSally2

I feel ive been so unfair on everybody else though by going home I've caused upset for them on cmas day. I feel terrible. But so appreciate these replies. I'm just sitting here going over it all. Don't know what to do with myself. I'm worried about my Mum. They'll argue now. :(

Not your problem. Distance yourself from it. You aren't responsible for everyone else's experience, or their feelings.

You're going over it. I'd do that too. But, we have to stop. If it starts in your head, cut it off. Make a hot drink, go for a walk (not at 2am!), do whatever it takes to separate yourself from that anxiety.

Keep standing up for yourself. Your life will be so much better than before.

AnneSally2 how are you doing today?

I hope you're listening to these wise posters?

Good morning

Thank you,yes I am. I waited until very late just in case anyone got in touch, before drinking two large glasses of wine,watching some cmas TV and going to bed. Nobody has messaged or anything apart from the one from my Mum.

I'd say the exact same sorts of things had this happened to someone else, so odd that it is difficult when it comes to ourselves. Some posters are wiser than me though, the ones about how abusers think, so so true.

I'm just so sad that Xmas ended for me that way. I think the reason I wasn't sure I should have done what I did is this behaviour is normal for him and has been my normal for so long.

When I was helping my mum carry presents etc over, she said that people would expect me to be there and i said 'Why, because they think I still put up with this crap? Because I don't.'

I'll see what pans out today. I'll update the thread if anyone would be interested.

AnneSally2 of course we're interested. A lot of us, myself included, had or have overbearing parents. My dad died in his 50s but he was very aggressive. I was the youngest and the only one who stood up to him. It affects you though. Luckily I worked through it and have turned out pretty balanced.

Keep strong and don't let anyone emotionally blackmail you. You're right they are wrong.

I agree about the fact dm should have protected you. My dm was very poor at this.

I'm sorry your mum stayed with him and taught you his temper is more important than your safety. It isn't.

@AnneSally2 I think you did amazingly. My dad also has a history of violence and being verbally aggressive and I know how scary it is to stand up to him. And how lonely that can be when everyone else is ignoring the elephant in the room. I am proud of you. Hang in there- the new behaviour and boundaries get easier over time.

Haven't read more than the opening post but you have absolutely done the right thing and I am so so sorry you had to experience that.

Big massive hugs. You are so brave and I'm so proud of you. X

@Juniper68

AnneSally2 of course we're interested. A lot of us, myself included, had or have overbearing parents. My dad died in his 50s but he was very aggressive. I was the youngest and the only one who stood up to him. It affects you though. Luckily I worked through it and have turned out pretty balanced.

Keep strong and don't let anyone emotionally blackmail you. You're right they are wrong.

I agree about the fact dm should have protected you. My dm was very poor at this.

Thank you and 'm glad to hear that, it gives me some hope as I don't think I've worked through it very effectively if I am honest. I just bowed down to men as a young woman and got treated very badly but thought it was okay. Even quite recently I've been in toxic relationships. I don't know what will happen today. My sisters take has always been to tell my mum to totally keep out of it, as my mum will naturally try to negotiate. We'd normally do something together today as a family too. I'm just going to have a lazy day to myself (I'm usually very active) unless I hear from anyone.

huy I think a lot of it is due to their business. They're very successful and well off. They work together very well as a partnership and also she's a lot 'harder' than me and has very high self esteem, none of his attitude really gets to her.

apparentlystill oh god that elephant in the room thing rings so true to me! A lot of xmasses and family occasions have been that way for me following this sort of thing or just being spoken to like I'm some sort of subordinate or just nothing.

AnneSally2 if you're active and on Facebook look up wild wanderers. It's women who like adventures. They go hiking etc. There's local wild wanderer groups too. My friends adult dd goes all over with them.

Hope you’re feeling better today @AnneSally2

Surely your sister knows what type of man he is as well, so don’t get feeling guilty about your decisions yesterday.

Pop round your sisters with your presents, have a cup of tea and be matter of fact with what you did (if it comes up). Own your decision, you did nothing wrong, he did. I wouldn’t refer to feeling guilt nor would I say sorry - you have totally handled this the right way. Be proud of what you did and why you did it. Others are not entitled to claim you overreacted or ruined Christmas.

Have a good day today

Without a doubt you did the right thing. Very sadly I have a friend similar to you and her father is exactly the same. She constantly thinks it's her doing because everyone else just puts up with his unacceptable behaviour and her mum minimises it. Also she always feels sorry for her mum and worried about her when this type of thing happens.

Stand firm. He's an abusive bully.

Well done @AnneSally2 : you set a boundary and stuck to it and didn’t let yourself be bullied by him.

As others have said, your mother has chosen to tolerate his behaviour towards herself and you, as a child and an adult. It’s not your responsibility to shield her from the consequences of her own choices or to put yourself in harms way to keep the peace.

Your family know who and what he is. If they label you the ‘bad guy’ it’s only to cover up the fact they don’t have the courage to stand up to him the same way.

Let him rant and rave and say what he wants to cover this up - he knows you aren’t afraid of him or interested in playing along with his toxic nonsense and it will be eating him alive.

Whatever tactic he tries - bullying, tears, blackmail, gaslighting - leave him to it. You are breaking a toxic cycle. This is so powerful and important.

I may be a random stranger on t’internet but as the child of a man just like your dad, I am so proud of your for choosing yourself.

@MoveHouse

Hope you’re feeling better today *@AnneSally2*

Surely your sister knows what type of man he is as well, so don’t get feeling guilty about your decisions yesterday.

Pop round your sisters with your presents, have a cup of tea and be matter of fact with what you did (if it comes up). Own your decision, you did nothing wrong, he did. I wouldn’t refer to feeling guilt nor would I say sorry - you have totally handled this the right way. Be proud of what you did and why you did it. Others are not entitled to claim you overreacted or ruined Christmas.

Have a good day today

It's funny to read this as my sister has just invited me over to do just that :) I've said I'll go over in an hour or so. I delivered my presents to her family, with our mum last night but she's just told me thy didn't open them because I wasn't there. He isn't her dad, she's a lot older than me. He raised her from young though and apparently was even worse with her. She'd moved out before I were born.

@Juniper68

AnneSally2 if you're active and on Facebook look up wild wanderers. It's women who like adventures. They go hiking etc. There's local wild wanderer groups too. My friends adult dd goes all over with them.

Thank you, I will do that it sounds great!

sorry you had to put up with that

Have a lovely time with your sister @AnneSally2.

They are trying to emotionally blackmail you to fall back into line.

Don't let them. I know how hard it is not to go back to being abused (I went NC with my Mum three months ago).

Your Mum is complicit in the abuse, as is your sister. Why do they want you to experience your Dad's anger? Because they are controlled by him and need you to be too.

You can do this. Any parent who allows another parent to physically and emotionally abuse their child is an enabler but also an abuser.

Your Mum should have kept you safe.

Get angry with them.

Would you contact Women's Aid to get advice? There is support out there. He is an abuser and you don't have to take it anymore.