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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken by his double life discovered on Christmas Eve

113 replies

AquariusMum21 · 25/12/2021 00:28

Not sure why I’m posting here I just needed somewhere to write my thoughts. I was with my DP for two years fell pregnant by surprise at the start of the year and he changed overnight from being caring and romantic to absolutely vile. He said he’d be there for his son but I had my suspicions there was someone else involved he’s from the Middle East and said there was some family pressure but he hated this woman and she was after a visa. We spoke last month and he said he still wanted to be with me and would be there for our baby. I’ve just been on his Facebook and seen a tagged picture from this evening of him wearing a wedding ring. He told me he was going abroad to visit his family and would be back for new year. I feel really sick even though i shouldn’t be surprised by his behaviour it feels like a betrayal and I’m heartbroken for our son. How can someone life such a double life and lie? How do I even get over this my heart is so broken for my little boy. There is also another woman involved who he told me was just a friend, I’ve just messaged her on Instagram and shes confirmed she isn’t. Please can everyone be kind I have a newborn baby and my hormones are all over the place tonight

OP posts:
KILNAMATRA · 25/12/2021 00:32

Oh bless you, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been let down so badly. But there’s plenty love out there for you and your baby. So find your own friends and family and let them help you, especially now while you heal from birth. Just focus on you and your healing and your bond with your son.. you can figure out the other stuff with ex partner when your feeling stronger physically and emotionally..

KILNAMATRA · 25/12/2021 00:33

Have you home start in your area?

jeaux90 · 25/12/2021 00:34

Let yourself grieve for the life you thought you were going to have.
Then let yourself be angry about the lying asshole that he is.

Then you need to move on and be as independent as possible.

Never lower your standards and never compromise on the next relationship.

I'm a single parent, I am on my own with my DD12. Her father hasn't seen her since she was 2. No money from him, nothing.

But my life is so much better without him in it.

You can do this.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/12/2021 00:36

Have you any photos of him with your baby cos I'd be v tempted to post it and tag him in re Daddy

Arabelladrinkstea · 25/12/2021 00:39

Sending you a big hug Flowers

Original poster
AquariusMum21 · 25/12/2021 00:41

Thank you everyone 😣 my son was born in October and he hasn’t met him yet, he was planning too after new year my little boy looks the split of his father.
I will go through the child maintanence service when he’s back. I think the worst thing is he’s living a double life. I feel like exposing him but I believe in karma and I don’t want to expose my child to any emotional harm for the future.
I am so lucky to have my family and friends and had a lovely evening I’m determined it dosent ruin Christmas

OP posts:
Original poster
AquariusMum21 · 25/12/2021 00:42

I actually worked alongside homestart as I work in that area! I never thought I’d be in this situation though.

OP posts:
Maze76 · 25/12/2021 00:43

So sorry, I can only imagine how devastated you must be feeling. This is all on him, he’s lied and made excuses and treated you and his child appallingly. Don’t contact him- let him come to you- in the meantime, focus on you and your son. 💐

Magnited · 25/12/2021 00:46

@SleepingStandingUp

Have you any photos of him with your baby cos I'd be v tempted to post it and tag him in re Daddy
I would tag him as little as possible. In fact use his anger and vileness to push him away if he is not sincere. You won’t want to end up having a battle with a father in a foreign jurisdiction who may want different things for his son than you. Focus on a strong UK support network.
Original poster
AquariusMum21 · 25/12/2021 00:55

He blocks and unblocks me constantly so I’ve blocked and deleted his number now. I have lots of photos of us together and photos of us at home together from august. I feel like deleting everything and every reminder of him off my phone but there’s a part of me that feels like showing this woman. I don’t want to feel like this I’d like to say I’ve always been independent and I worked two jobs during my pregnancy. I just feel so betrayed he told me he loved me and he was my best friend

OP posts:
me4real · 25/12/2021 01:11

So sorry you're going through this. Sad

I would tell his women including wife if you can find her online. They all deserve to know.

Hawkins001 · 25/12/2021 01:14

Various professions have operatives that have the full package of a double life kids ect, part and parcel of the role and cover ect.

Redsquirrel5 · 25/12/2021 01:23

So sorry to hear this. I wouldn’t delete the photos keep some for you son. Later he needs to know you were happy together for a time. Get them printed and put them away then delete the ones on the phone.

Don’t let him have your son on his own just in case.

Have a lovely Christmas with your darling baby, friends and family.
He isn’t worth it. Just cuddle your baby as he is everything.

SantasOnHisWay · 25/12/2021 01:35

Urgh where did you meet him? Sounds like you were a bit of fun on the side, so sorry this happened to you. I'd draw a line in the sand and forget about him, just think of him as a sperm donor and bring your son up without him.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 25/12/2021 02:17

Do not give your son his father's surname.
Do not name him on the birth certificate.
As soon as possible, get a passport for your son and keep it securely locked in a safe place.
You do not want him deciding to take his son to visit his parents and then not bringing him back.

Coyoacan · 25/12/2021 02:36

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I was a single mother from the get go and it was grand. But I just want to say don't delete your photos. I understand how you are feeling now, but your son will be curious about his father in the future and you will want to be able to tell him as much as possible.

Kanaloa · 25/12/2021 02:42

@GeorgiaGirl52

Do not give your son his father's surname. Do not name him on the birth certificate. As soon as possible, get a passport for your son and keep it securely locked in a safe place. You do not want him deciding to take his son to visit his parents and then not bringing him back.
Was just about to say exactly this. It sounds ridiculous/far fetched but it does happen.

Get the baby a passport and even if you get back together with this man still keep the passport hidden and never let him take it.

Sorry this has happened to you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/12/2021 03:51

I would definitely resist the urge to have any contact with the man, even when your ds is older. I’ve seen threads on here when women have done this with misogynistic exes and it hasn’t gone well. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. If he decides to show up being nice to you again, there will be a reason. And the reason will not be because he loves you and wants to be a family.

I agree with the advice to keep your ds’s passport safe. Does he have your surname?

Rangoon · 25/12/2021 03:55

Well since he hasn't seen the child or her and they're not married, she couldn't have put him on the birth certificate. Doesn't mean that she can't claim maintenance. I'd second the getting of a passport and keeping it very secure - like in a safety deposit box. I would absolutely give the child my name and if I hadn't already, I'd change it now. I'd completely stay out of posting online or interfering in his life so I was out of sight and out of mind as much as possible. I don't think you ever want to share custody with this man who is a completely dishonest cheat.

Original poster
AquariusMum21 · 25/12/2021 08:01

He has his surname unfortunately as I hate mine. I am thinking to change it by deed poll. I didn’t ask him to be on the birth certificate and haven’t added him I am so glad I didn’t so I have full parental responsibility.
I had not thought about getting a passport, I don’t think I could ever share custody with him now or even have a conversation I’m so angry at the lies and can’t trust him.
Woken up to beautiful baby smiles which has made me feel better

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 25/12/2021 11:01

Can't you change their name within the first year? If you don't like your surname, pick a new one and give it you both. Don't let him have your son carrying his name.

I'd tell her because I think she deserves to know.

Pinkbonbon · 25/12/2021 11:13

It might end up being a good thing that he found someone else to harass and nit you and your boy. He showed himself to be a nasty abusive piece of shit and your son will be so much better for not having someone like that in their life.

Change his surname. I'd be tempted to move somewhere new too and start over. Make it harder for the asshole to find me if he ever decided to try crawl back.

Georgieporgiepuddinandpie · 25/12/2021 11:15

There’s no point in telling his new wife, sounds like an arranged marriage for her and him so she’s probably miserable already.

Delete, block, move on. This man will be loyal to his family and culture and expecting you on the side as a bit of fun.

tulips27 · 25/12/2021 11:15

Depending on the country, your son may be considered a citizen of that country automatically- with or without a passport- and in some cultures the father "owns" the children and has control of where they live, whether they can leave the country etc.

CagneyNYPD1 · 25/12/2021 11:15

Yes to changing the surname. Are there any other family surnames (e.g.your mother's maiden name) that you like? If so, pick that. You can then change your surname by deed poll if you wish to match your son's.

Assume that this man will want nothing to do with your lovely boy. I know that sounds hard but he hasn't bothered to see him yet. But that is OK because you are more than enough for your little one.

Yes to the passport and locking it away. Never, ever provide a copy of the birth certificate to this man. Claim through the CMS but do not chase for contact. The hard reality is that this man will never put your son first so don't expose him to that.

Walk away, head held high. Give yourself a little bit of time to grieve for what you thought you had. But not too long. You and your lovely baby have a wonderful life ahead of you both.