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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heartbroken by his double life discovered on Christmas Eve

113 replies

AquariusMum21 · 25/12/2021 00:28

Not sure why I’m posting here I just needed somewhere to write my thoughts. I was with my DP for two years fell pregnant by surprise at the start of the year and he changed overnight from being caring and romantic to absolutely vile. He said he’d be there for his son but I had my suspicions there was someone else involved he’s from the Middle East and said there was some family pressure but he hated this woman and she was after a visa. We spoke last month and he said he still wanted to be with me and would be there for our baby. I’ve just been on his Facebook and seen a tagged picture from this evening of him wearing a wedding ring. He told me he was going abroad to visit his family and would be back for new year. I feel really sick even though i shouldn’t be surprised by his behaviour it feels like a betrayal and I’m heartbroken for our son. How can someone life such a double life and lie? How do I even get over this my heart is so broken for my little boy. There is also another woman involved who he told me was just a friend, I’ve just messaged her on Instagram and shes confirmed she isn’t. Please can everyone be kind I have a newborn baby and my hormones are all over the place tonight

OP posts:

Suzanne999 · 26/12/2021 15:50

@GeorgiaGirl52

Do not give your son his father's surname. Do not name him on the birth certificate. As soon as possible, get a passport for your son and keep it securely locked in a safe place. You do not want him deciding to take his son to visit his parents and then not bringing him back.

This. I lived in the Middle East for 2 years, knew of a number of men who decided they wanted their son ( strangely, never a daughter) when he was about 8, 9.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2021 17:31

Please rethink CMS. Your dad may mean well but claiming CMS means this man has an established link with your son, there will be a paper trail establishing him as the father if you claim. Whereas if you change your son's name now and simply cease contact with him, you're free of an abusive man who otherwise you stand little chance of stopping having contact with your son and worst case scenario taking him to the Middle East. Please, please rethink the plan re CMS.

PurplePikachu · 26/12/2021 18:22

Do not claim CMS.

Change your son’s surname, change your name if it is unusual. Move home. Move jobs.

Seriously. Make it hard or impossible for him to contact you or to find you.

I have personally known a woman whose ex (from a Middle Eastern country) turned up when their son was 7, convinced her to bring the son to the Middle East to meet his family and then simply took her son when they arrived. In that country, he had absolute legal control over his son. She had to live there for over a year, having contact with her son whenever he allowed it, before she managed to get them both out of the country. It was an illegal and risky trip out. This is a really genuine serious risk. Once they got back to the uk they immediately changed their names and relocated, she knows he’s tried to find them a few times since but has not been able to. You need to do everything possible now to make sure he can’t find you or take your child away.

Outlyingtrout · 26/12/2021 18:36

Get a passport for your son immediately and keep it under lock and key.

Do not add ex to the birth certificate.

Change your son’s name as a matter of urgency so that it’s the same as yours. Pick a brand new name if necessary. Do not inform ex.

Do not apply for CM.

Move house if at all possible and do not inform ex.

Change phone number and email. Do not inform ex.

Do not contact ex, his wife or any of his family. Hope that he does not seek you out and resist any attempt by him to establish contact. Definitely do not allow unsupervised contact. Let him take you to court if it comes to that.

This is what I would do if my child were at the heart of this. The possibility that he will attempt to remove your child and take him abroad, where he may well have greater rights than you, is a possibility that exists and is not something I would ever risk.

Outlyingtrout · 26/12/2021 18:37

Also change your job if possible. Any way that he could track you down, change it. Make yourself as undiscoverable as possible.

Original poster

AquariusMum21 · 26/12/2021 20:03

Just want to say I am reading all your advice and trying to process that this man could potentially be very dangerous. Of course my priority is to keep my darling boy safe and secure. It’s hard thinking about the lies and betrayal he’s done to me but I have to put all that aside and do what I can to start completely afresh. Unfortunately moving is not really possible now as I have a 2 month old and not much money on maternity pay.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2021 20:08

Of course my priority is to keep my darling boy safe and secure.

Please reconsider your stance on child maintenance with this in mind. It establishes a direct parental link between your child and his father that will also make him more likely to want to have a say in his life. If he thinks he's 'getting away' with not having to pay, he may just leave you alone. Which would be the ideal outcome.

Juniper68 · 26/12/2021 20:20

Please listen. Change baby's name.

Tarne · 26/12/2021 20:28

It changes things that you and the father are both Iraqi and Muslim.

Do you still have family in Iraq? I think it is important that you establish as good a relationship as you can salvage with him because at the end of the day, your son has a right to know who is father is and meet his family if necessary.

I think your father knows this. I think it would be highly unlikely you would be able to block him out of his son's life as the Iraqi community is very strong and usually someone knows someone else and I believe it would be impossible for you to keep your whereabouts secret from him unless you block yourself off from the entire Iraqi community which is highly unlikely as people always gossip.

Original poster

AquariusMum21 · 26/12/2021 22:19

He doesn’t know I know about this other woman or seen the photos in a way I wish he’d stay in Iraq and never come back.
We are both of the same religion but I am liberal and not Iraqi however I understand the culture very well and the community gossip. Yes my dad may be coming from a good place as he’s seen countless “men” like this in his career. According to the CSM website I wouldn’t have to have contact with him however like everyone has said I’d have that link. Ideally we would have mediation and supervised contact but now I’m very concerned about the passport issue. 😞

OP posts:

FriendofDorothy · 26/12/2021 22:24

DO not ever restart contact with this man. The advice to change yours and your son's name and to disappear is exceptionally sound. I would usually recommend women pursue child maintenance but in this case I think it would be a huge mistake.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2021 22:26

@FriendofDorothy

Exactly this. Some of us have witnessed this first hand. I've never seen it end well for the mum, not ever.

MerryChristmas21 · 26/12/2021 22:42

Ideally we would have mediation and supervised contact

You're clearly not really hearing what everyone is saying!!

There is NO effective mediation with a consummate liar.

He is an abusive man, he is a threat to you and your child & your child's security.

Your Dad might mean well, but he's speaking from male privilege. He has NO concept of how few rights a woman has.

Littlepaws18 · 26/12/2021 22:43

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I will be changing his surname but I feel like the CM is his responsibility whether he’s involved or not ( I very much doubt that) he is an absolute abusive piece of shit.

You need to play this smart OP.

It absolutely is his moral responsibility to contribute to your son's upbringing. But in doing so, he will feel he has a stake in your son's life, that he gets a say in decisions, that he should be allowed to take him to the Middle East to visit family etc.

All of those things require you to have contact with an abusive man until your son is 18.

I think with men like him you sometimes need to make a tough choice between what is 'the right thing to do' and what is the right thing for you and your son.

You know he's an abusive liar. Cutting ties, even if it means no maintenance from him, means freedom from abuse. Which IMO is even more important than having some extra financial help, if at all remotely possible.

This an also CM can get very messy if he is not on the birth certificate- if he says no I'm not the father then they will request a dna to prove it. Then if it's proved, he might end up on the birth certificate then he has parental responsibility. Then you will end up fighting him through the courts. Also you need to change his surname asap.

All of the above I've been through but I can't change my child's surname without his consent until she's over 16.

Your situation is very messy for now I would hold off on CM until you sort everything else out.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 26/12/2021 22:55

You're really not listening OP

Tarne · 26/12/2021 23:00

She is listening but you cannot cancel out a child's cultural ties and anyone who is Muslim would understand this.

Original poster

AquariusMum21 · 26/12/2021 23:01

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

You're really not listening OP

When I said “ideally” I meant in an ideal world, not that I am going to have mediation and supervised contact with a dangerous man. I am a new mum adjusting to motherhood which is hard enough so please be kind. If child maintenance and going through the courts means I am putting my child in any kind of danger I will not pursue it. My child is so loved and has everything he needs with me.

OP posts:

Jenpy · 26/12/2021 23:05

Congratulations on your beautiful baby. You sound lovely. Please find happiness and forget about this snake. Babies are amazing, you have so much joy ahead of you with your little one. Enjoy it all and believe in yourself. I’m so sorry about the pain right now. Good luck.

Original poster

AquariusMum21 · 26/12/2021 23:16

@Jenpy

Thank you so much he is truly beautiful and the biggest blessing x

OP posts:

Outlyingtrout · 27/12/2021 05:35

@Tarne

She is listening but you cannot cancel out a child's cultural ties and anyone who is Muslim would understand this.

By “cancel out a child’s cultural ties” in this scenario you mean not pursuing or allowing contact with the father. Yes you can do this. You absolutely can if it means protecting your child.

Being Muslim won’t protect the child against being abducted and removed to another country.

NdujaWannaDance · 27/12/2021 05:44

She is listening but you cannot cancel out a child's cultural ties and anyone who is Muslim would understand this.

Yes you absolutely can. If a man fucks off and leaves you for months on end knowing you are pregnant with his child, which he initially said he didn't want and uses as an excuse to became vile and unkind to you, then it looks like he's married someone behind your back then you can and SHOULD do whatever the hell you want.

Keeping her child safe from potential abduction is far, far more important than keeping him in touch with his cultural ties. His cultural ties haven't served him too well so far, have they?

NewtoHolland · 27/12/2021 06:07

I think your idea to change his surname is a good one. Making it hard for Dad to travel with him is a good idea. I think avoiding future contact and avoiding CMS or contact is sound advice, he hasn't made the effort to meet him so far so clearly isn't very interested yet. Unfortunately there are too many of these cases where a man feels especially as his son gets older that he can take him and keep him for himself/ to be schooled or live with family abroad. It's not necessarily being 'dangerous' but having a belief perhaps that this is appropriate and possible.. especially if it's enshrined in the laws of the country. It wasn't really so long ago that this was the case in UK too that children belonged to the father and if seperation occured the wife had not rights over what happened next for the children. I would talk through your concerns with appropriate charities and see what feels right and safe for you both.

Tarne · 27/12/2021 06:31

It depends how much the op has let this man into her life. Presumably he will have met your father and other relatives?

If he or his relatives and friends know any of your relatives and friends then how exactly is the op and her baby going to " disappear"?!

The op will need the support of her family in bringing up a baby ' it takes a village' to bring up a child.

How exactly is the op going to disappear? It's not practical nor feasible given her situation and community ties.

That's a huge ask of a new mother.

Op, the posters are correct to point out your ex's parental rights should he pursue this whether or not you try to claim Child maintenance.

Unfortunately even women who have suffered DV are forced through the courts to maintain contact with the father, as by law it is seen to be the child's right to have contact with his father.

If your ex is a wealthy man and/or has his family behind him- let's not be naive here- you are going to have an enormous legal fight on your hands especially given the promises he has given you.

Forgive me but you seem extraordinarily naive op. Are you very young?

user1478172746 · 27/12/2021 06:47

The ONLY thing I would worry about now is baby. Father could decide to take his son to be raised in his new, "proper" muslim family.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/12/2021 07:09

I wouldn’t pursue cm - I would delete my social media presence and tbh if ever queried I’d probably say he’s not his

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