Heartbroken by his double life discovered on Christmas Eve

[AquariusMum21]

Not sure why I’m posting here I just needed somewhere to write my thoughts. I was with my DP for two years fell pregnant by surprise at the start of the year and he changed overnight from being caring and romantic to absolutely vile. He said he’d be there for his son but I had my suspicions there was someone else involved he’s from the Middle East and said there was some family pressure but he hated this woman and she was after a visa. We spoke last month and he said he still wanted to be with me and would be there for our baby. I’ve just been on his Facebook and seen a tagged picture from this evening of him wearing a wedding ring. He told me he was going abroad to visit his family and would be back for new year. I feel really sick even though i shouldn’t be surprised by his behaviour it feels like a betrayal and I’m heartbroken for our son. How can someone life such a double life and lie? How do I even get over this my heart is so broken for my little boy. There is also another woman involved who he told me was just a friend, I’ve just messaged her on Instagram and shes confirmed she isn’t. Please can everyone be kind I have a newborn baby and my hormones are all over the place tonight

I would also suggest googling which countries recognise Muslim marriage ceremonies and avoid! Luckily not many

'This man hasn’t proofed himself to be caring at all towards me or his son.'

At the risk of sounding harsh, from your opening post perhaps 'proofing' his worth as a parent might have been more of a priority for you before you got pregnant. It's not like you were a gullible 16 year old.

As he's not on the birth certificate I'd be changing your son's surname and going no contact, even if that means no maintenance.

@Calamitydrayne

'This man hasn’t proofed himself to be caring at all towards me or his son.'

At the risk of sounding harsh, from your opening post perhaps 'proofing' his worth as a parent might have been more of a priority for you before you got pregnant. It's not like you were a gullible 16 year old.

That's so helpful right now. Do you feel better for sticking the boot in?

Thank you for all your advice, yes sadly I didn’t make the best judgment and I accept that however I also know that there are situations where people can be together for years and the OH runs off or acts appallingly meaning the relationship breaks down, at the time we were happy with no issues but I am an independent person and not reliant on him financially. As a new mum you always feel some level of guilt towards giving your child the very best I just want to be strong for him and not go gown that road.

Bank holiday is over tomorrow so I will be contacting the registry office first thing and update this thread.

@AquariusMum21 it sounds like you've got your priorities straight and are realistic about what is actually relevant here to keeping your son safe. Just be careful when you talk about this man "not wanting" you anymore that you aren't mentally leaving the door open for him to have a change of heart. He could come back and tell you he's sorry and made a mistake blah blah blah but he would still remain an enormous risk to your son. You cannot afford to give this man a second chance. Your son is depending on it. As another PP said, letting this man have any access to your child comes with the risk that he will be abducted to a country where you have no rights as a mother, removed permanently from your care and placed in the care of an extended family he has never met who may not even speak the same language as him (I realise right now he's a baby but this is a threat you need to be alert to for his entire childhood sadly). No man is worth that risk.

Can I also just say he works in a very respected position taking care of people so I am sure I’m not the only person he’s fooled

[quote Outlyingtrout]@AquariusMum21 it sounds like you've got your priorities straight and are realistic about what is actually relevant here to keeping your son safe. Just be careful when you talk about this man "not wanting" you anymore that you aren't mentally leaving the door open for him to have a change of heart. He could come back and tell you he's sorry and made a mistake blah blah blah but he would still remain an enormous risk to your son. You cannot afford to give this man a second chance. Your son is depending on it. As another PP said, letting this man have any access to your child comes with the risk that he will be abducted to a country where you have no rights as a mother, removed permanently from your care and placed in the care of an extended family he has never met who may not even speak the same language as him (I realise right now he's a baby but this is a threat you need to be alert to for his entire childhood sadly). No man is worth that risk.[/quote]
I absolutely understand, no risk is worth it and I’d never let him back in. I am hurt but my feelings will pass with the support of family and some counselling. I’d never be that woman that chooses a worthless man over her children I’ve seen it so many times he deserves a happy mum and to know what healthy relationships look like.

Good idea to think through and have at the back of your mind what you and your family are going to tell your DC one day when asks for his dad or wants to know about him so that you are all on the same page.

Just thought I’d update, Dad came back grovelling not knowing I’d seen the photos as expected it turns out that infact the woman he was engaged too was not his relative but the British girl id suspected him of being unfaithful with. She now knows he has a son and is asking him not to see him (what a catch).. also said they were engaged before we met but then broke it off. Absolutely bizarre.
I am proud of myself for being strong, applied for his passport, contacted women’s aid and sent the application off to change his birth certificate. Dad doesn’t know this and is asking for contact. He has met him twice supervised with my Dad present and is now saying he is going to apply through the courts for PR.

@AquariusMum21

Thank you everyone for your advice, my dad is a family law solicitor he has encouraged me to apply through the CSA as I don’t have to have contact with him, he has also said he will support wirh getting an injunction if he gets very nasty. I really appreciate you all taking your time to offer sincere advice, yes I’m in an emotional turmoil and hurting so it’s hard to accept he’d do this to me and his child however I will be taking the passport advice very seriously. My child has his surname but is not on the birth certificate so no PR at the moment, does that mean he couldn’t apply for a passport?

That is great that you have support from your dad —- and knowledgeable support at that. You don’t have to use deed poll to change a surname , you can just give your son any surname you choose. I’d say have the same as it will simplify any travel in the future. Please get everything done legally to prevent your ex taking your child out of Britain. Having lived in the Middle East I know how fathers favour sons , heard a few difficult stories while I was there. Really your son will be far better growing up with you as a strong, independent mother than a weak, lying father on the scene. Stay strong.

What a tit. Stay strong x

Thank you ❤️ it’s bloody hard when you realise your whole relationship was based on a lie. I am so lucky to have my family and friends at the moment and have also got some counselling booked in for next month.

Absolutely agree with all the advice that was given to me before about the passport and glad I took it seriously. Considering he didn’t care about his son during the pregnancy and was more bothered about OW he is now all over him.