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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken by his double life discovered on Christmas Eve

113 replies

AquariusMum21 · 25/12/2021 00:28

Not sure why I’m posting here I just needed somewhere to write my thoughts. I was with my DP for two years fell pregnant by surprise at the start of the year and he changed overnight from being caring and romantic to absolutely vile. He said he’d be there for his son but I had my suspicions there was someone else involved he’s from the Middle East and said there was some family pressure but he hated this woman and she was after a visa. We spoke last month and he said he still wanted to be with me and would be there for our baby. I’ve just been on his Facebook and seen a tagged picture from this evening of him wearing a wedding ring. He told me he was going abroad to visit his family and would be back for new year. I feel really sick even though i shouldn’t be surprised by his behaviour it feels like a betrayal and I’m heartbroken for our son. How can someone life such a double life and lie? How do I even get over this my heart is so broken for my little boy. There is also another woman involved who he told me was just a friend, I’ve just messaged her on Instagram and shes confirmed she isn’t. Please can everyone be kind I have a newborn baby and my hormones are all over the place tonight

OP posts:
Bussinbussin · 25/12/2021 11:20

@tulips27

Depending on the country, your son may be considered a citizen of that country automatically- with or without a passport- and in some cultures the father "owns" the children and has control of where they live, whether they can leave the country etc.
I was coming on to say the same thing. Please, don't ever take your son to the Middle East or allow him to do so.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/12/2021 11:55

You must never, ever take him to the Middle East or allow him to take him there. Ever.

To be honest, having scene this cultural dynamic play out before with a woman close to me, I would be tempted to change my name and baby's name and just disappear from his father's life. I would change my name ASAP, come off socials or if they're necessary for work have them in a very limited capacity and with the new name only.

And while you should morally be able to claim child maintenance, and legally have the right to, as someone who has seen this play out I would not do this. Because it keeps a line of communication open and establishes him as the father. If he can get away with not paying and not having to deal with you, he is more likely to leave you alone. If he has to pay, he will want to punish you. And he will use your son to do so.

He hasn't met him yet. He has secretly got married. He has been abusive to you as soon as you got pregnant.

No good can come of him being in your son's life tbh.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/12/2021 11:56

Having seen not having scene, obviously

bluebell34567 · 25/12/2021 12:44

whilst it would be good his new wife knowing about you and the child in the long term i dont think it will help you.

this man is a lier and cheater of first order, wont/cant be a good father.

cutting all contact and building a new future for you and your baby is the best option.

dont touch the pictures just put them away. in the future when you look at them you will realize the true person and you will see he wont mean anything to you.

Original poster
AquariusMum21 · 25/12/2021 14:51

Just reading through everyone’s posts and there’s some really good practical advice thanks! I think once I get over the grief stage we will be ok and it’s so so tempting to just move away and start afresh. I blocked and deleted his number but he text me on a different number asking what id said to a woman he’d said was just his friend but I’d had suspicions about I’d messaged on Instagram last night it seems like the new wife is not the only lie but there’d also been another woman on the scene all this time!
I will be changing his surname but I feel like the CM is his responsibility whether he’s involved or not ( I very much doubt that) he is an absolute abusive piece of shit.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/12/2021 14:58

I will be changing his surname but I feel like the CM is his responsibility whether he’s involved or not ( I very much doubt that) he is an absolute abusive piece of shit.

You need to play this smart OP.

It absolutely is his moral responsibility to contribute to your son's upbringing. But in doing so, he will feel he has a stake in your son's life, that he gets a say in decisions, that he should be allowed to take him to the Middle East to visit family etc.

All of those things require you to have contact with an abusive man until your son is 18.

I think with men like him you sometimes need to make a tough choice between what is 'the right thing to do' and what is the right thing for you and your son.

You know he's an abusive liar. Cutting ties, even if it means no maintenance from him, means freedom from abuse. Which IMO is even more important than having some extra financial help, if at all remotely possible.

Annike4 · 25/12/2021 14:58

Move in to self preservation mode as soon as possible.

Just because he appears to be with another woman, don't think for a minute that he won't come back and try to claim his prized possession - a son.

If he ever gets to see him, he will try to take him away from you to his home country. You need to do some reading pertaining to the particular country he is from and the culture there.

I think he will be back sooner rather than later, He might not want you, but he will want control of his son. Prepare in case he does.

Speaking from experience of working in the Middle East.

cupofdecaf · 25/12/2021 15:03

Don't put him on the birth certificate
Give baby your surname
Apply for baby's passport asap and keep it hidden
Don't let him take baby abroad to visit family there's loads of cases where the child stays with the family abroad and the uk parent doesn't se them for years.

NdujaWannaDance · 25/12/2021 16:17

Which middle eastern country is he from?

Original poster
AquariusMum21 · 25/12/2021 16:35

He’s Iraqi
We are the same religion but different backgrounds I was raised here.

OP posts:
Original poster
AquariusMum21 · 25/12/2021 16:37

He has another son who lives with his ex wife, when we first met he told me she’d alleged threats he’s take him to Iraq so they has supervised contact in a Costa coffee when he was a baby. He denied all this and said it was complete lies but now I’m not sure

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/12/2021 16:42

You need to play this smart OP.

It absolutely is his moral responsibility to contribute to your son's upbringing. But in doing so, he will feel he has a stake in your son's life, that he gets a say in decisions, that he should be allowed to take him to the Middle East to visit family etc.

All of those things require you to have contact with an abusive man until your son is 18.

I think with men like him you sometimes need to make a tough choice between what is 'the right thing to do' and what is the right thing for you and your son.

You know he's an abusive liar. Cutting ties, even if it means no maintenance from him, means freedom from abuse. Which IMO is even more important than having some extra financial help, if at all remotely possible.

Can you see this point of view OP?

LifeIsTricky · 25/12/2021 22:57

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I will be changing his surname but I feel like the CM is his responsibility whether he’s involved or not ( I very much doubt that) he is an absolute abusive piece of shit.

You need to play this smart OP.

It absolutely is his moral responsibility to contribute to your son's upbringing. But in doing so, he will feel he has a stake in your son's life, that he gets a say in decisions, that he should be allowed to take him to the Middle East to visit family etc.

All of those things require you to have contact with an abusive man until your son is 18.

I think with men like him you sometimes need to make a tough choice between what is 'the right thing to do' and what is the right thing for you and your son.

You know he's an abusive liar. Cutting ties, even if it means no maintenance from him, means freedom from abuse. Which IMO is even more important than having some extra financial help, if at all remotely possible.

This. x1000
Workinghardeveryday · 25/12/2021 23:26

Sorry he did this to you, you don’t need him - you can do so much better x

HereticFanjo · 25/12/2021 23:29

@cupofdecaf

Don't put him on the birth certificate Give baby your surname Apply for baby's passport asap and keep it hidden Don't let him take baby abroad to visit family there's loads of cases where the child stays with the family abroad and the uk parent doesn't se them for years.
All of this. It's very important.
GettingItOutThere · 25/12/2021 23:38

@AquariusMum21

He has another son who lives with his ex wife, when we first met he told me she’d alleged threats he’s take him to Iraq so they has supervised contact in a Costa coffee when he was a baby. He denied all this and said it was complete lies but now I’m not sure
you need to be very very careful here OP

change the babys name to your surname asap - even if you dont like it, just do it.

Do not add him to the birth certificate. He could take the baby abroad and he wont need your permission - especially as it stands with names.

Do not leave the baby with him unsupervised. ever.

Block him. move on. I would be tempted to never even claim CM, just be glad of the lucky escape and keep your child safe

Magnited · 26/12/2021 10:03

Do not claim CM. Do not goad the other wife.

Read Fatwa by Jacky Trevane.

MakeMineAdoubleChocolate · 26/12/2021 10:09

He's rotten. He clearly wanted a muslim wife from his own country and chucked you off or is just playing your around.

He should have let you know from the get go, that his intention was to marry and that it wouldn't be with you or he commits to you and that's that. Its actually not allowed in the Muslim religion to do boyfriend and girlfriend. Even dating is prohibited. If you are serious, you get married. He was just stringing you along..... . But he is saying he hates her and she is only after a visa. Maybe that's to throw you off the scent. I would just rid and let him be with his wife. You just focus on your baby.

MakeMineAdoubleChocolate · 26/12/2021 10:15

Am confused op.
So, you're Muslim too?? Sunni???
Did you do a nikah with him,?

Muslim men do have the right to seek a second third or fourth wife. But only on the grounds everyone is happy and he can support, love and treat all equally. AFAIK he should have let you know this. He has done it all in secret, which is not allowed either. He should have told you, and you can either accept or divorce. Women have tonnes of rights in Islam. And if push comes to shove, you can go to the mosque and seek divorce.

Am glad you're the same religion so the baby can be raised Muslim also.

NoToLandfill · 26/12/2021 10:26

OP please take these posters advice seriously. I know you are emotionally hurting. But apply for babies passport immediately.
Do not post any more on social media. Block him on everything.

Then think about changing both your and baby names.

To keep yourself and baby safe is your top priority. I'd say a man like that is capable of anything. Including taking your baby on a holiday back home- and you never seeing your baby again.

No child maintenance money is worth that risk.

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 26/12/2021 10:29

@NoToLandfill

OP please take these posters advice seriously. I know you are emotionally hurting. But apply for babies passport immediately. Do not post any more on social media. Block him on everything.

Then think about changing both your and baby names.

To keep yourself and baby safe is your top priority. I'd say a man like that is capable of anything. Including taking your baby on a holiday back home- and you never seeing your baby again.

No child maintenance money is worth that risk.

This. So sorry OP. Keep away from him. Glad you have supportive family.
Original poster
AquariusMum21 · 26/12/2021 12:02

Thank you everyone for your advice, my dad is a family law solicitor he has encouraged me to apply through the CSA as I don’t have to have contact with him, he has also said he will support wirh getting an injunction if he gets very nasty. I really appreciate you all taking your time to offer sincere advice, yes I’m in an emotional turmoil and hurting so it’s hard to accept he’d do this to me and his child however I will be taking the passport advice very seriously. My child has his surname but is not on the birth certificate so no PR at the moment, does that mean he couldn’t apply for a passport?

OP posts:
Koshnique · 26/12/2021 15:02

I would apply for a passport so he is not able to. I would also be very tempted to chose a completely new surname for the baby and change my name too. Its the perfect opportunity for a new start. You have a year to change any of your child's names.

Is your father traditional at all, would he think that a father has more rights than a mother?

Scarydinosaurs · 26/12/2021 15:11

Change the surname on the birth certificate ASAP and then apply for a passport.

It sounds like he had broken things off with you a while ago if you had already blocked him?

I’d stop worrying about what he’s doing now and don’t contact anyone else to inform them what has happened - don’t enrage him further or you risk shaming him into having contact with your child.

He’s clearly a man without morals and I’m sorry this happened to you.

uhohspaghettiohh · 26/12/2021 15:12

Don't claim for maintenance- this gives him some 'stake' in your son's life. You need to ensure he has nothing to do with your son.

Change your son's surname to yours. ASAP - this is really important.

If you do go down CMS - chances are he will go home and you'll never see a penny so why go to the effort.

Block and forget him. Raise your son to be a loving and kind man.