Everything always seems to be my fault

[Kirstos1]

I don't know what to do or where to start to be honest. My partner and I have been together for 20 years but things have been getting steadily worse. Sometimes I just can't seem to do anything right or if something happens it somehow ends up being my fault. He sulks upstairs for days sometimes about things which I think are trivial.

Today he gets a text to tell him he's overdrawn, he shouldn't be so checks his Internet banking which shows that a direct debit for a company he has a payment arrangement with has been taken out despite me arranging a payment holiday for December so we could pay for the MOT. The company he has the payment arrangement with is closed until Monday so we called the bank and explained the situation. The bank refunded it straight away and advised they will be getting in touch with the company to make its correct it shouldn't have been taken. I advised we would speak to the company as soon as they reopen on Momday as well.

He has since sulked in the living room all day, basically giving me the silent treatment. Everything seems to always end up as my fault somehow. I generally deal with this company as I work from home and it's easier. I have just said to him 'I'm sorry I didn't double check with the company the payment holiday had been arranged properly, it didn't occur to me as they have always been so good in the past'. He then starts shouting that its easy foreach me to say as i won't be the one who gets into trouble or investigatedit for fraud (he thinks that the company won't admit that they've made a mistake and he'll have to pay the bank back ). He then storms off upstairs snapping that I am not to even try to get him to come downstairs tomorrow at all.

I feel awful that he is this worried and upset but I feel terrible as he knows Christmas is my absolute favourite time of the year. I honestly look forward to it all year! Sad when you are early 40s I know. I was so looking forward to tomorrow - making Christmas dinner for us in our new (unfinished but even so!) Kitchen and celebrating my promotion I just got this week too. Now I feel really selfish for thinking about myself and I'm sat on the sofa with tears streaming down my fave like an idiot.

I'm not sure what I want time get out of posting this, perhaps just get it out of my head.

I’d start thinking of leaving this is no way to live I’ve had it this year as well I hope you have good Christmas think of yourself as I’m doing oh meals are done like tonight tomorrow is nibbles I’m watching what I want tv which is dvds in the bedroom after night, hugs.

He's a prick. The silent treatment is abusive.
If you stay with him tell him he can deal with his own finances from now on.
Hope tomorrow is better for you.

Stop allowing him to treat you like this. He's a grown man and should be sorting out his own finances not you! You're not his mother and he's not a teenager. Just tell him to sort it himself

He is gaslighting you, for sure.

It sounds like you did everything right and more than you needed to!! You shouldn’t be crying on Christmas. I hope you have something nice planned for tomorrow. If he still has a face on him leave him to it and just look after yourself.
Congratulations on your promotion 😊

Sounds like he's picking a fight deliberately to spoil Christmas.
Is it just the two of you?

Thanks so much both. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Unfortunately I don't think tomorrow will be any better unfortunately. I'll be stuck sleeping down here on the sofa while he hides upstairs in the bedroom like a teenager but if I go up and try to talk to him he'll swear at me or tell me to drop dead or something similar. He can honestly make things like this last for days. I feel so childish thinking that my Christmas day is ruined!

You're not selfish. He's behaving appallingly.

Congratulations on the promotion. That's exciting news. I'm sorry he's trying to spoil your Christmas and your enjoyment of your achievements.

Yeah just the 2 of us. I'm not really sure what gaslighting means to be honest.

Thank you for the congratulations, now I feel guilty that I was happy for me so I was oblivious to him being so worried about this payment problem.

You can settle in for another 40 years of this... Or you can think about leaving him

Okay, so what can you do for yourself to still have a good day?

I'd imagine step one would be not trying to grovel to him to get him to talk to you when he's the one who should be apologising. It is not normal to tell someone you claim to love to "drop dead".

If you know that's how he's going to behave then don't engage with it and don't give him the opportunity. Leave him to be pathetic and have your Christmas.

Why are you sleeping on the sofa?

There is one person behaving in a childish way in this relationship and it isn’t you. Is this a regular pattern or could he be feeling threatened because you have a promotion? Does he have form for raining on your parade when something good happens to you? And I take it the idea is you’ll then grovel and say negative things about yourself? He’d be left to his own devices for longer than Christmas if it were me, but I realise it’s not always easy. Do you have friends or family to support you and offer company over the next few days?

now I feel guilty that I was happy for me so I was oblivious to him being so worried about this payment problem

How long has he been treating you this appallingly? How did you get to a place where you felt you should accept being told to drop dead by your partner?

Because to express guilt for your happiness is such a distorted response. He is at fault. He is harming you. He should be feeling guilty for deliberately setting out to ruin your Christmas and take away your happiness at your achievement.

Guilt exists as an emotion to stop us harming others. You have not harmed him and you therefore have no reason to feel guilty. It serves no purpose here and is misplaced. He should be feeling guilt - is he?

It is really distressing to read that his abusive behaviour is making you feel guilty for having been happy about your accomplishment. That's so messed up.

Can you leave him to stew in his own bile upstairs and go away somewhere for the weekend?

It seems you have a career and no dependents, why do you want to stay tied to a man who behaves like a sulky teenager and tells you drop dead?

Why do you think your partner wants you to be unhappy?

Even if you were to blame for some of the arguments or problems in the relationship, you surely couldn’t be to blame for every problem or every mild inconvenience in his life?

I guess the question is, why does he think it’s ok to treat anyone like this? Would he ignore his family or friends or work colleagues for days on end?

Do you think it’s OK that he treats you this way?

Is it OK that you’re sat in tears on Xmas eve because he blames you for a small clerical error that a company made?
Even if it were your fault (it’s not), would it be OK for him to treat you like this? To force you to spend Xmas day on your own, and sleep on the sofa because he has taken to his bed like a fucking drama queen?

I don’t think of this situation is OK. But you need to see that for yourself

He seemed genuinely happy for the promotion, always knew I could do it and should aim higher still etc (this is actually the second promotion this year) but this is a pattern whenever there is some kind of problem - he has huge problems laying our patio for example and that also ended up being my fault. That's just one example.

He doesn't really enjoy Christmas either to be honest.

Unfortunately I don't have any family or friends nearby so I'll be stuck in this sodding room on own all day probably crying and sulking myself! I'll get the dog out in the morning for a change of scene.

he has huge problems laying our patio for example and that also ended up being my fault.

And how did that one get resolved? With you apologising/grovelling?

On his side it is fairly transparent behaviour and obviously part of a pattern.

That's brilliant that it's your second promotion btw

I'm sorry for burdening you guys with this on Christmas Eve. I feel like a sad, pathetic teenager now myself.

@Kirstos1

Unfortunately I don't have any family or friends nearby so I'll be stuck in this sodding room on own all day probably crying and sulking myself! I'll get the dog out in the morning for a change of scene.

I hope you do something nicer than crying.

I don't feel burdened by you. Please stop putting yourself down. It is not necessary or justified.

@user15364596354862

he has huge problems laying our patio for example and that also ended up being my fault.

And how did that one get resolved? With you apologising/grovelling?

On his side it is fairly transparent behaviour and obviously part of a pattern.

Yes I'm afraid so. Everything always ends up my fault somehow so I apologise to keep the peace.

Sorry about your shit Christmas which you do not deserve. Use the time to start formulating your plan. You’ve had a promotion, so that’s a positive.
I had to do the same as you —- it was a terrible Christmas that made me start to plan to leave. By the following Christmas I was gone and sooooo happy. Good luck.