Everything always seems to be my fault

[Kirstos1]

I don't know what to do or where to start to be honest. My partner and I have been together for 20 years but things have been getting steadily worse. Sometimes I just can't seem to do anything right or if something happens it somehow ends up being my fault. He sulks upstairs for days sometimes about things which I think are trivial.

Today he gets a text to tell him he's overdrawn, he shouldn't be so checks his Internet banking which shows that a direct debit for a company he has a payment arrangement with has been taken out despite me arranging a payment holiday for December so we could pay for the MOT. The company he has the payment arrangement with is closed until Monday so we called the bank and explained the situation. The bank refunded it straight away and advised they will be getting in touch with the company to make its correct it shouldn't have been taken. I advised we would speak to the company as soon as they reopen on Momday as well.

He has since sulked in the living room all day, basically giving me the silent treatment. Everything seems to always end up as my fault somehow. I generally deal with this company as I work from home and it's easier. I have just said to him 'I'm sorry I didn't double check with the company the payment holiday had been arranged properly, it didn't occur to me as they have always been so good in the past'. He then starts shouting that its easy foreach me to say as i won't be the one who gets into trouble or investigatedit for fraud (he thinks that the company won't admit that they've made a mistake and he'll have to pay the bank back ). He then storms off upstairs snapping that I am not to even try to get him to come downstairs tomorrow at all.

I feel awful that he is this worried and upset but I feel terrible as he knows Christmas is my absolute favourite time of the year. I honestly look forward to it all year! Sad when you are early 40s I know. I was so looking forward to tomorrow - making Christmas dinner for us in our new (unfinished but even so!) Kitchen and celebrating my promotion I just got this week too. Now I feel really selfish for thinking about myself and I'm sat on the sofa with tears streaming down my fave like an idiot.

I'm not sure what I want time get out of posting this, perhaps just get it out of my head.

@Kirstos1. Is this guy a bit thick— ? I ask because the only men I’ve ever met who were this rude were either uneducated losers who thought you were desparate for them to stay in their lives or more intelligent guys , who wanted you out butcwere cowards if I am honest.

Imprisonment does he think you've just embezzled the entire pension fund from Barclays Bank in his name!

On a more serious note, id leave him to sort it out. He's been eye wateringly rude to you, and ruined your Christmas (ok seems like you had a lovely time, but he doesn't know that) all for something you have no control over. In your shoes, hell would freeze over before I helped him resolve the issue

A grown man telling his partner to drop dead is so pathetic. I cringed the whole way through some of your posts OP.

I know you’re starting to see the light now but I hope this isn’t temporary and when he decides to snap out of his mood that you don’t let the relationship continue like this never happened.

I had an ex like this and that’s exactly what he did. He made me so miserable with this type of behaviour that I contemplated suicide so that I could be free of him. Escaping from him and his abuse literally saved my life. You are worth so much more than him. Don’t let him treat you like you’re nothing.

So he has successfully sabotaged your Christmas and made it all about him then. What a wanker. Getting your promotion and looking forward to Christmas Day was clearly too much fun for you to be having and had to be put a stop to with some arbitrary shit for him to create over. If it hadn’t been the bank error he’d have found something else. Trust me.

Get the miserable, selfish bastard to fuck.

Aspergers? Sounds like he wants to be alone and is finding reasons to depart to his safe space.

You’d sound far too nice to be in this abusive relationship

@user1478172746

Aspergers? Sounds like he wants to be alone and is finding reasons to depart to his safe space.

Even if this were true, it wouldn't mean he isn't an abusive arsehole.

He hasn't asked for space. He's emotionally and verbally abused her, saying disgusting things to her and banning her from parts of her own home.

I'm not sure which part of the post made you think he may have Aspergers but even if he did that wouldn't mean OP should react any differently to his behaviour or make allowances. She should leave him.

I occasionally wondered if my ex was somewhere on the spectrum with his reactions to some things but I know now it was all about being in control. He would lose it (literally) if I offered an alternative idea to something already discussed (but not yet decided). I thought it was that he couldn't cope with what he saw as a curveball but it was more he didn't want me thinking for myself and he relished the excuse to get angry with me.

Great to see you have realised your situation Op. You've realised he's an unreasonable, abusive arse and you deserve better.

Definitely don't call the bank for him. Why would you run around acting as his PA for him to give you grief when someone else makes a mistake?

And stop apologising. With immediate effect. Don't apologise when you've done nothing wrong. It makes no sense to do so and makes him worse (it confirms to him that you are in fact wrong, and that he can get you to admit responsibility for all his own problems and mistakes).

And make sure he knows you had a lovely Christmas Day! That way he can't blame you for spoiling Christmas ('Christmas wasn't spoiled! I had a lovely time'), and he won't get the satisfaction of having spoiled your day (which was what this was all about for him).

Stay strong.