Everything always seems to be my fault

[Kirstos1]

I don't know what to do or where to start to be honest. My partner and I have been together for 20 years but things have been getting steadily worse. Sometimes I just can't seem to do anything right or if something happens it somehow ends up being my fault. He sulks upstairs for days sometimes about things which I think are trivial.

Today he gets a text to tell him he's overdrawn, he shouldn't be so checks his Internet banking which shows that a direct debit for a company he has a payment arrangement with has been taken out despite me arranging a payment holiday for December so we could pay for the MOT. The company he has the payment arrangement with is closed until Monday so we called the bank and explained the situation. The bank refunded it straight away and advised they will be getting in touch with the company to make its correct it shouldn't have been taken. I advised we would speak to the company as soon as they reopen on Momday as well.

He has since sulked in the living room all day, basically giving me the silent treatment. Everything seems to always end up as my fault somehow. I generally deal with this company as I work from home and it's easier. I have just said to him 'I'm sorry I didn't double check with the company the payment holiday had been arranged properly, it didn't occur to me as they have always been so good in the past'. He then starts shouting that its easy foreach me to say as i won't be the one who gets into trouble or investigatedit for fraud (he thinks that the company won't admit that they've made a mistake and he'll have to pay the bank back ). He then storms off upstairs snapping that I am not to even try to get him to come downstairs tomorrow at all.

I feel awful that he is this worried and upset but I feel terrible as he knows Christmas is my absolute favourite time of the year. I honestly look forward to it all year! Sad when you are early 40s I know. I was so looking forward to tomorrow - making Christmas dinner for us in our new (unfinished but even so!) Kitchen and celebrating my promotion I just got this week too. Now I feel really selfish for thinking about myself and I'm sat on the sofa with tears streaming down my fave like an idiot.

I'm not sure what I want time get out of posting this, perhaps just get it out of my head.

I will start planning on the quiet - we have a large amount of debt for different reasons and I was the victim of identity theft earlier this year which means getting credit will be harder. We are also in a fixed rate mortgage until June. He is renovating our kitchen so that needs finished before I can look at leaving and forcing him to sell. I will look at getting any debt in my name down as quickly as possible to put myself in the best position I can. There is a free counselling service I have access to through work as well so I'll look into starting that for myself too.

That was a really positive last post @Kirstos1 a good and well thought out plan. Leave him to wallow. Have the best day you can xx

If he has issues with literacy, numeracy and comprehension to the point of not being capable of keeping his own bank account in the black and assumes that he'll be 'in trouble' for another company's error, he's in need of a support worker, not a spouse.

Don't waste another couple of decades on this specimen.

New Year, new you. Time to get rid!

Stay strong OP. I put up with this sort of behaviour for years- the sulking, the blaming, the swearing, so much in your posts feels familiar. I stuck with it as I had zero self esteem and assumed it was always my fault somehow. Then he left me and do you know what- life is so much better! You sound lovely and don’t deserve this treatment. This behaviour is not normal (I can see this now with the benefit of hindsight!) and you don’t have to put up with it. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your day

And your latest post is really positive and it sounds like you have a good plan. You are doing exactly the right things. I am rooting for you! X

@2catsandhappy

That was a really positive last post *@Kirstos1* a good and well thought out plan. Leave him to wallow. Have the best day you can xx

Yup I'm eating peanuts now and drinking vimto from a posh glass (I don't really drink alcohol). With ice. I know right. I'm going to light a scented candle which I can't do normally due to his asthma. But hey, he isn't in the room. I'm reading my book on my kindle and feel so comfy and content. I've treated myself to two (count em!) blankets to snuggle under. That's partly cos itshe a bit baltic in here, the backdoor is open for the dog as I can't be arsed getting up every two minutes when he decides he wants to potter outside. All I can hear is birdsong and it's utter bliss.

@Gettingonwithit12

And your latest post is really positive and it sounds like you have a good plan. You are doing exactly the right things. I am rooting for you! X

Thank you! Thank you all x

Great to see your last few posts!

Like a pp, four years ago I decided "I'm not having another Christmas like this". ExH spent that Christmas Eve screaming at me for various made up reasons but mostly because he'd left his shopping to the last minute. Then I dutifully cooked Christmas lunch for his parents and adult stepson. I'd found out he was cheating on me a couple of weeks before but hadn't let on that I knew. I got my ducks in a row and left for my mum's in February. It hasn't always been easy but I've enjoyed every Christmas since.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your day and keep working on your plans. Christmas 2022 will be different.

I am so happy to read your update! You are worth more than this!

Been in your shoes, it's really tough and lonely but we are here.

Well done you.

Focus on a plan.

Reach out to family and friends.

Tell them the truth.

Keep posting here as you form a plan, organise your thoughts, get advice.

We are here for you.

This time next year you are going to have such a lovely peaceful Christmas.

I would rather be alone than be with a partner like yours ANY day of the week.

Sorry guys I need your help again. He's just come downstairs to get himself some bread, cheese, crisps etc (as I said he can't cook) and said 'are you feeling any better?' to which he replied 'get the f@fuckoffImcounting
Normally when he does this, I sit there all upset but I think I want to watch a christmas film now but I worry if i do that, will he flip out even more as I don't normally do it?

Bloody autocorrect, he replied 'get the f×ck out of my sight' and then repeated it when I said I hadn't done anything wrong.

It's deleted half of what I've written! After he said this he marched back upstairs and is now watching a film by the sounds of it.

OP,
Don't hesitate to ring the police if you feel if the slightest bit threatened.

He is a nasty bully.

He is ramping up because you are not pleading with him.

Women's Aid would be a good organisation for you to call and talk to.

This is a hugely abusive man.

I don't think you fully realise just how abusive he is.

You do exactly what you want to do. If he comes down again, ignore him. If he is abusive I agree with the pp that you should phone the police and ask them to come and remove him.

Tell them he is aggressive and you are afraid and want them to come and remove him from your home.

Then enjoy your Christmas Day whilst the ignorant, unpleasant twat you live with spends it in the police station.

Thanks Billy, I definitely will.

I have fixed myself a plate of cheese and crackers and some Mars bar cake and am sitting down to watch polar express. I have just realised that his intention is not only to spoil Christmas but then actually blame me for it. For me Christmas isn't just one or two days, it's an entire season and that isn't something he can spoil no matter how hard he tries.

The scales are falling from your eyes.

You are so much deserving of more than abusive scum.

He is a very nasty piece of work.

Reach out and tell those who will support you just how nasty he is.

Switching it on and off like a light.

Read up on abusive men.

There is a book, Why does he do that? which is highly rated.

You are in a really shit abusive relationship.

Get out before it destroys your life.

He may ramp up his nastiness if he thinks it isn't working.

Then he may switch to being pleasant.

Google "the script/cycle of abusive men".

Do some research OP to educate yourself OP.

Ring Women's aid as soon as you can for real life support.

Be so thankful you don't have children with this prick....that makes it so extra hard for women.

Get your finances in order.
Get the house valued and sold and get away.

Dear @Kirstos1, please please don't stay with this incredibly unkind man. Chrismassy hugs xxxx

This is all because you love Christmas. What are your birthdays like? Does he try and ruin them too?

I agree that he will ramp up his abuse because he doesn't like that you are content (how dare you!) and he is sensing that you are not behaving how you normally would. Be careful and be prepared for worse, do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe.

And please think about contacting Women's Aid, they will offer support no matter what stage you are at. They will not force or rush you into ending the relationship, everything will be at your pace and they have loads of invaluable advice on the practicalities.

Ignore him as much as you can
He’s an abusive knob
Make some plans to leave him as soon as you can

Thanks all. I have realised that where earlier today and yesterday I was upset and hurt, I'm now really angry. He will twist this on me that it's my fault christmas is ruined along the lines of it didn't ask him if there was something else wrong yesterday when he realises that carrying on like this because of the original reason is nonsense, he will change it to something else I've apparently done. I can't believe someone could dislike me this much so as to try to ruin the best time of the year for me, regardless of what I've apparently done. I feel like i must be an awful person or something.

Google narcissistic abuse, Kirstos

You’re most definitely not an awful person OP, he’s just a dick who’s having a childish tantrum to try and punish you for not grovelling at his feet and massaging his ego. It’s completely ridiculous behaviour from a grown adult, and best ignored as long as you’re safe.