Everything always seems to be my fault

[Kirstos1]

I don't know what to do or where to start to be honest. My partner and I have been together for 20 years but things have been getting steadily worse. Sometimes I just can't seem to do anything right or if something happens it somehow ends up being my fault. He sulks upstairs for days sometimes about things which I think are trivial.

Today he gets a text to tell him he's overdrawn, he shouldn't be so checks his Internet banking which shows that a direct debit for a company he has a payment arrangement with has been taken out despite me arranging a payment holiday for December so we could pay for the MOT. The company he has the payment arrangement with is closed until Monday so we called the bank and explained the situation. The bank refunded it straight away and advised they will be getting in touch with the company to make its correct it shouldn't have been taken. I advised we would speak to the company as soon as they reopen on Momday as well.

He has since sulked in the living room all day, basically giving me the silent treatment. Everything seems to always end up as my fault somehow. I generally deal with this company as I work from home and it's easier. I have just said to him 'I'm sorry I didn't double check with the company the payment holiday had been arranged properly, it didn't occur to me as they have always been so good in the past'. He then starts shouting that its easy foreach me to say as i won't be the one who gets into trouble or investigatedit for fraud (he thinks that the company won't admit that they've made a mistake and he'll have to pay the bank back ). He then storms off upstairs snapping that I am not to even try to get him to come downstairs tomorrow at all.

I feel awful that he is this worried and upset but I feel terrible as he knows Christmas is my absolute favourite time of the year. I honestly look forward to it all year! Sad when you are early 40s I know. I was so looking forward to tomorrow - making Christmas dinner for us in our new (unfinished but even so!) Kitchen and celebrating my promotion I just got this week too. Now I feel really selfish for thinking about myself and I'm sat on the sofa with tears streaming down my fave like an idiot.

I'm not sure what I want time get out of posting this, perhaps just get it out of my head.

You do realise that he doesn't give a shit about you?

This isn't love or a 100 miles near it.

When you are truly loved, people want to protect you, not hurt you, not upset you, not make you feel bad, not make you feel small.

They want you to be happy.

Your happiness is important to them.

I'm married a long time.
Nearly 30 years.
I am invested in my husbands happiness.
He is invested in mine.
It really is that simple.

This is not about you.

He would be same with any poor victim he ensnared.

Get the hell out.

OP, these things happen, banks or companies mess up, sometimes we mess up, people don't check arrangements and you go over drawn. His reaction is way WAY over the top! I actually think if this haven't happened, then he'd have found something else to fall out with you for. I think he doesn't like Christmas and wanted to ruin it for you.

The way he speaks to you is completely out of order, would he tell a work colleague or friend to fuck off? I doubt it. So why is it ok for him to say it to you...

Please start to make plans to leave this horrid horrid man, you deserve so much better.

Even if you were an awful person, and it doesn't sound as if you are, it wouldn't excuse his aggressive behaviour towards you. I agree with previous advice to have a low threshold for calling the police if he continues to escalate to try to get a reaction out of you.

Even if you had done something wrong, it wouldn't excuse his awful behaviour to you.

Don't put up with anyone telling you to drop dead! Or to fuck off! He's supposed to love you...

He's a sulky, abusive, joy-sucking monster.

I'd be tempted to ring his mum and tell him just what your Christmas has been like...

You might find the Freedom Programme helpful too.

You deserve better. He!'s a cunt.

I feel like i must be an awful person or something.

No. No. No. Nope. It's not you it's him. Believe me, you will leave and he will do the exact same thing to the next woman. Abusive men are abusive men and they don't change. Get the fuck out of there, you will be SO much happier without him.

Stay strong OP.
Next time he says something abusive just act like you haven’t heard.
Ignoring him until you can leave is your best weapon.
He’s desperate for a reaction, don’t give him one.

@Gretaburley

Stay strong OP. Next time he says something abusive just act like you haven’t heard. Ignoring him until you can leave is your best weapon. He’s desperate for a reaction, don’t give him one.

Thanks all for your continued advice, it's much appreciated. I will adopt this tactic I think and see what happens.

It's nice to know that it isn't actually me that's at fault. I'm not saying I'm perfect but it's nice to know that it isn't always me if that makes sense!

So when I had to go into the bedroom this morning, he tells me to 'get lost' instead. I just ignored it as suggested and went about my business. The cynic in me now thinks that as Christmas day itself is over with, he's calmed down a bit. I predict that this will last the rest of today and possibly into tomorrow morning.

The ironic thing is, I actually really enjoyed most of the day yesterday in spite of him which actually makes me think 'ha!'. Is that super petty? I will of course be courteous, polite and calm (it takes a lot to rile me up, most things just wash over me to be honest) while biding my time until I am in a position where I can leave. I do fear reprisal if I did leave but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

He’s just a prick really
And is using you as his fail safe emotional punchbag
You can don’t accept it , he changes , or you make some decisions op

It’s not your fault
You know this deep down
He’s just a dick who’s decided that a you are his closest person he can dump his angst in you
Twat

I do fear reprisal if I did leave but I will cross that bridge when

Unless he is a criminal (which I hope he isn’t) reprisal will be more of this , high volume and dragging his feet
And you grit your teeth and eventually it’s over

I predict that this will last the rest of today and possibly into tomorrow morning.

You sound like you're quite used to his patterns of abuse.

The ironic thing is, I actually really enjoyed most of the day yesterday in spite of him which actually makes me think 'ha!'. Is that super petty?

Not petty in the slightest! It's great that you still have the strength not to be in the depths of despair when he's throwing one of his hissy fits.

If you are in any doubt AT ALL for your safety when you are getting close to leaving, please contact Women's Aid as part of your preparations, it's the most dangerous time for an abused woman.

He is a pathetic specimen of a man. He is also extremely abusive. The reason you feel like everything is your fault and you are in the wrong all the time, is simply because that’s the line he’s been feeding you, on a continual loop. In the end you start to believe his narrative, and every time he tells you that it’s all your fault and you’re useless etc etc , you are already believing it before he’s finished the first sentence. Telling you fuck off out of his sight is just disgusting. How can you speak like that to someone you love ??
He loves the fact that you try so hard to appease him, he feels in control.
You are absolutely doing the right thing in not rising to the bait anymore . Don’t try to smooth things over or ‘make him feel better’. He’s being a vile, immature little twat and I’d just accept that and leave him to it. If he talks to you answer politely but don’t engage with him. Take back the power from him. His behaviour is not normal or acceptable and hopefully once you are able to access counseling through work, you will see just how abusive he is.
I’m glad you had a nice day yesterday, despite his pathetic tantrums, the fact that you got on and enjoyed your day without wondering if you should try to talk him round, and feeling uncomfortable in case you do something that inadvertently makes him angrier. It shows you are getting closer to that point of ‘ nah, I’m done ‘.

You will never be truly happy in this relationship, men like this don’t change ( until he sees you are serious about wanting to leave, then watch his crocodile tears flow).
I hope you really enjoy the rest of Christmas. Arrange an appt with that counselor, realise you are so much better than being treated like shit by a nasty insecure bully, and put in place the steps you need to be able to move on without him.

So he's just come down to make himself a sandwich (the limit of his culinary ability) and was muttering something when he suddenly blurts out 'do you know I could go to jail for what you've done?'
Me (hiding snorty laugh as a cough, I couldnt help it): 'is that what you think will happen, due to a clerical error on the part of the company that you'll get done for fraud? Worst case is the bank will ask you to pay it back as they refunded it. [Cue disbelieving snort from him] they deal with billions of pounds a year, they won't be prosecuting you for 300 quid'
I can't remember exactly what was said next but he definitely says 'it's not my fault' and I said 'no and it's not mine either, it's the fault of the company'

He flounces upstairs with his sandwich leaving me just enough time to catch the dog nibbling on the turkey I had cooked this morning as it was defrosted I didn't want to waste it so I thought the dog could have it at the least but he could have it if he wanted. He had paid for it after all. Now bearing in mind that I don't actually eat meat and therefore it doesn't affect me, would you all think me a terrible person if I admit it did indeed take a good few minutes for me to stop the dog nibbling? 😆

Great so the mutt has just puked on the living room carpet, that'll teach me to be smug!

Nah, still smug!

@Kirstos1

Thank you all so, so much for your support. It really means a lot that people who don't even know me are prepared to listen and give me advice ando support. I'm sorry I didn't reply last night, my eyes were so sore and puffy and my head was splitting that I lay my head back to rest them and must have clocked out!

That was not before he had come downstairs for some pringles etc to take up with him and I said 'we'll sort this bank thing out together' to whigh he muttered something so I said something like 'you're acting like this is my fault' when he said 'it is your fault'. I said 'how do you figure that?' and he replied with his trade mark 'drop dead' and went upstairs. I didn't go up for the rest of the night.

This morning he comes down to get a drink so I follow him up to use the bathroom and go into the bedroom after him to get towels etc so I can have a bath. I say something along the lines of 'why would you tell your partner to drop dead?' He tells me to f off and get everything I need from the bedroom for the day. I pointed out its our bedroom and not just his.

He knows I love Christmas yes. He was feeling a bit down yesterday morning before he gotbthe text about the payment going out and said he was conscious of trying not to show it for me because its Christmas. He has depression anyway so i think i cut him more slack than i should. His mother phoned before to wish us a merry Christmas and thank us for their presents (picked, bought and wrapped by moi as I genuinely love it) and he acted like everything was fine and we were going to be having a 'nice, relaxing day' before storming back upstairs without a word when I asked if he had thanked her from me for my (unopened as of yet) presents.

So today I have thought, you know what? Sod this. I've had a lovely hot bath, washed some dishes, hoovered the living room and steam mopped the kitchen. Hey, I know how to push the boat out! Actually those things relax me. I'm not going to go back into the bedroom today and will not speak to him when he comes downstairs to get snecks or whatever. He can't cook for himself so it will only be snacks for him.I want to make something nice for me but unfortunately I have no appetite. Alas that only happens when he has fallen out with me, not the rest of the bloody time!

Hello OP,

My husband does this same routine almost to a t, including the 'drop dead' or sometimes a 'go to hell.' It is very horrible and very predictable, even down to the acting ok for an hour or so then returning to the previous sulk.

My husband was absolutely set to ruin xmas, even the xmas meal (with our two little kids who were so looking forward to it), to the extent that I degraded myself by giving him a fake apology which he loved and which made him rejoin the group in a normal way. I say normal but he was still being a totally depressing tw@.

He's got form for this, in a long marriage, but this year has been a tipping point for me. I am resolved to find a way to leave in the new year.

Oh he wants you to feel sorry for him.

In a calmer moment say that clearly you being involved in his personal finances just initiates too much blame. He's on his own from now on.

End of conversation.

If he asks you to deal with anything again, just say no thank you too much trouble and blame.

Oblonglady, thank you for understanding! When people ask me if I have any children I am sometimes tempted to say 'yeah a 40 year old boy'

Frozen - totally my plan. The company reopens tomorrow and ordinarily I would be ringing them straight away myself (what can I say, I'm a fixer ando unfortunately always have been) but I won't tomorrow. If he says anything I will just say 'no thank you, it's not worth the hassle' and walk off.

You’ve done brilliant I think a few of us have had enough, he’s got rugby on I’m having nibbles with a book then will shower then go get milk and bread. Oh yes I’m feeling much better after dreadful headache. But you are brilliant well done.

It's been so lovely to discover that I'm not alone, it's made a massive difference to me x

Op, he sounds abusive and manipulative. He set out to make you miserable at a time of year he knows you love. I am glad that he failed and that you are making plans... You deserve so much more than this awful man, who is behaving like a mean, petulant child.

Jesus christ, what a fucking cunt. Does he actually really think he could go to jail? If he does he's a moron, I suspect he's just desperately trying to make you feel bad though as you're not looking miserable enough

@AryaStarkWolf

Jesus christ, what a fucking cunt. Does he actually really think he could go to jail? If he does he's a moron, I suspect he's just desperately trying to make you feel bad though as you're not looking miserable enough

Common sense tells me that he can't surely think that and if he does, I'm worried for him. I suspect that as he was already stressed due to it being Christmas that this simple issue pushed him over the edge as it can't be resolved for at least 3 days. I think he now realises it was a ridiculous OTT reaction, even by his standards so he's trying to make the issue into something that sounds wayou worse than it actually was.

@Kirstos1 yeah that sounds about right, knows he's been a dick but is digging his heels in because he can't swallow his pride and say sorry, so childish and unattractive

Exactly, sometimes if we are having a normal argument/discussion like, you know, normal people have there is often a moment during it where you can see it register on his face that he's wrong but he still carries on. Super childish.