Everything always seems to be my fault

[Kirstos1]

I don't know what to do or where to start to be honest. My partner and I have been together for 20 years but things have been getting steadily worse. Sometimes I just can't seem to do anything right or if something happens it somehow ends up being my fault. He sulks upstairs for days sometimes about things which I think are trivial.

Today he gets a text to tell him he's overdrawn, he shouldn't be so checks his Internet banking which shows that a direct debit for a company he has a payment arrangement with has been taken out despite me arranging a payment holiday for December so we could pay for the MOT. The company he has the payment arrangement with is closed until Monday so we called the bank and explained the situation. The bank refunded it straight away and advised they will be getting in touch with the company to make its correct it shouldn't have been taken. I advised we would speak to the company as soon as they reopen on Momday as well.

He has since sulked in the living room all day, basically giving me the silent treatment. Everything seems to always end up as my fault somehow. I generally deal with this company as I work from home and it's easier. I have just said to him 'I'm sorry I didn't double check with the company the payment holiday had been arranged properly, it didn't occur to me as they have always been so good in the past'. He then starts shouting that its easy foreach me to say as i won't be the one who gets into trouble or investigatedit for fraud (he thinks that the company won't admit that they've made a mistake and he'll have to pay the bank back ). He then storms off upstairs snapping that I am not to even try to get him to come downstairs tomorrow at all.

I feel awful that he is this worried and upset but I feel terrible as he knows Christmas is my absolute favourite time of the year. I honestly look forward to it all year! Sad when you are early 40s I know. I was so looking forward to tomorrow - making Christmas dinner for us in our new (unfinished but even so!) Kitchen and celebrating my promotion I just got this week too. Now I feel really selfish for thinking about myself and I'm sat on the sofa with tears streaming down my fave like an idiot.

I'm not sure what I want time get out of posting this, perhaps just get it out of my head.

Thanks all for your support. I feel like i am walking on eggshells most of the time around him as he's always been quick to fly off the handle (never violent towards me but has broken random things in the past).

Thinking about it I do feel on edge quite often. I think i need to work on my self esteem. I can't leave at the moment due to my financial situation but perhaps formulating a plan for the future will make me feel better. I sound pathetic.

Could you act now like what he does doesn't matter to you. Change the dynamic. Put some Christmas music on..loud and make yourself a nice treat. Completely ignore him and his childish antics. He needs to see that his carry on has no affect on you. He needs to gain nothing from this. I know you are upset but this is him not you and as you wouldn't reward a toddler for a tantrum do not reward him. Then when bedtime comes go into your own bed acting like you never even noticed he was in a mood. Do not sleep uncomfortable on the couch. He is completely out of order. Even if you never sorted the bank thing and completely forgot about it he is out of order.
I am glad you got two promotions with parallel rises l hope, so you can decide you are not dependent on this man.

OP,

You are clearly in an abusive relationship with a prick.

Please ring Women's Aid for advice and support.

Is this really the life you want?

Is this the future you want?

You need to sell the house and move closer to people who care for you.

He clearly doesn't.

He is abusive.

You are his emotional punching bag.

He will only get worse.

Google "gaslighting".

It is an abusive tactic.

He is blaming you for things you are not responsible for.

He twists and changes facts to confuse you.

Help yourself.
Get out.

“You’re right love. I don’t feel I handled this thing with the payment holiday very well. Tell you what, I think it’s better if I leave you to sort out your own financial admin from here on in”.

Throwing things IS violence. It’s intended to let you know the other person could hurt you. Is there somewhere you could go, at least over the holidays? But be careful if you choose to leave and don’t alert him, just do it.

If it's his payment arrangement, he can do the legwork of sorting out the payment holidays in future. When you say 'we' phoned the bank today, I assume you mean 'I'?

So you did his admin for him. Someone at the company made a mistake, and you sorted it out for him.

...but somehow it's still your fault it happened at all because you didn't double-check? Was he incapable of double-checking it himself?

Don't apologise when you've done nothing wrong. That sets up a dreadful relationship dynamic. And consider whether you want to be in a relationship where you always have to apologise for his/other people's mistakes.

I remember christmases like this, also crying on my birthday and any other special occasion that I enjoyed. Somehow it always went wrong, and it was always my fault.

Except it wasn’t, I was in a relationship with a controlling narcissistic emotional vampire who needed to be the centre of attention the entire time. He used sulking, shouting, throwing things and staring as intimidation tactics.

He was also financially incompetent, thought household chores were a woman’s work and was unable to hold down a decent job. He didn’t start off like that I’d have run a mile! But over time his true colours emerged.

Four years ago was my last miserable birthday (Dec bday) and Christmas. I started planning and threw him out in the March. I’ve never been happier than I am now, my life is peaceful and calm.

I honestly think you should leave him, I didn’t realise how badly my mental health had been affected until it was over and I like I could breathe again.

That is violence. It is him telling you "if you don't fall in line, this will be you" . It's designed to leave you feeling on edge. That's why you feel on edge.

I'm sorry but you are describing an abusive relationship - it's coercive control.

You don't sound pathetic, you sound like someone who has been beaten down for a long time and taught to hate herself.

Working on a plan - big or small - is a good way to take control in an overwhelming situation.

When you're ready, maybe take a look at the Freedom Programme. But don't tell him and don't go and tell him you've realised his behaviour is abusive - it'll escalate things, not fix them.

@LannieDuck

If it's his payment arrangement, he can do the legwork of sorting out the payment holidays in future. When you say 'we' phoned the bank today, I assume you mean 'I'?

So you did his admin for him. Someone at the company made a mistake, and you sorted it out for him.

...but somehow it's still your fault it happened at all because you didn't double-check? Was he incapable of double-checking it himself?

Don't apologise when you've done nothing wrong. That sets up a dreadful relationship dynamic. And consider whether you want to be in a relationship where you always have to apologise for his/other people's mistakes.

He went through security with the bank and explained everything, unfortunately the fella from the bank was useless at best so I offered to speak to him. That's when he agreed to refund the payment (he was still pretty useless).

Look stand up for yourself. You let hom treat you like this. Don't you sleep on the sofa. Go to bed. He can sleep in the sofa if he wants.

Tomorrow if he doesn't apologise, make yourself christmas lunch, watch your fav TV show. Have a nice walk. Don't cook for him as he said not to ask him to come down so assume he won't!!!! While you work on leaving the git you must just look after yourself. You can do it.

Also I am familiar with this behaviour, sounds exactly like my 5 year old! I think you find if you rapidly change your response....e.g. don't apologise or do Aanytjjng at all for him you will soon find different behaviour.

Please do read up on narcissism (the book 'divorcing a narcissist' is good, if you can get hold of it without him seeing it). My ex DH blames me for absolutely everything, including just now a text telling me that one of the kids has been behaving badly on his day with them. But that's my fault obviously. There is NOTHING you can do to change the way he is or his view of the world. There is a lot you can do to change your own situation. You don't have kids... ok it's never easy to end a relationship but it's a hell of a lot less trauma without kids to keep you bound together. Please talk honestly to friends, read up, get yourself informed and realise that this is HIS issue not yours, and that this has over the years eroded your self esteem to the point you don't even realise the full extent of what's going on. I've been there and I really do understand.

What an odious turd he is .

PS you are not pathetic. You've been abused. Your view of yourself is completely skewed and distorted by years of this dynamic. Please find people in RL to talk to (and I can PM you the name of a counsellor I found useful, if you want) x

This is abuse. He sounds vile and completely pathetic. You deserve much more

He’s an abusive bully OP

Gaslighting - loosely defined as making someone question their own reality. The term may also be used to describe a person who presents a false narrative to another person which leads them to doubt their perceptions

Stonewalling - Stonewalling involves refusing to communicate with another person. Intentionally shutting down during an argument, also known as the silent treatment.

Both of these behaviours are considered abusive in relationships.

When I left my husband I had to stay with my parents for a couple of months and then get a flat share as it was all I could afford. It was terrifying but the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. There’s absolutely no need for you to be living a miserable life with someone who doesn’t treat you well.

Mate. You are living with a total cunt. - just get out, tell your mum, tell your friends, or just tell yourself - he is a total cunt. C.U.N.T. RUN

His behaviour reminds me of my auntie’s husband. He takes a notion and goes to bed and doesn’t come out for days! He just turned 80 and is big a pain in the ass as he ever was only now he’s developed all sorts of health problems due to his excessive drinking. My aunt regrets not leaving him way back when the kids were small, the now adult children ask her why did you stay with him??

I think I’d have to really consider whether I want to still be doing this when I’m 80, putting up with his shit

Oh op, I’m sorry. And you aren’t pathetic in anyway AT ALL. I’m so sorry he is behaving like a massive dickhead/man child, that must be awful for you and I would be gutted if my DH behaved like that. I’m assuming he knows you love Christmas? (Nothing wrong with that by the way, I’m 43 and STILL love it!) If he knows that but is still prepared to ruin it for you over something which frankly he should have sorted himself? Then serious decisions need to be made in the New Year. As for tomorrow? Take your lovely doggo out, cook yourself a fuck off lunch (whatever you fancy), cook FUCK ALL for him and focus on YOU. Christmas music going, Christmas films on, open the good wine. He’s behaving like a spoiled child so treat him like one. But seriously, have a good think in the New Year about what you really want xxx

Op, my Dad is a sulker - they do not get better with age, they get worse.
If something goes wrong it’s my mums fault (if he can somehow blame me too he will) once he’s annoyed he sulks & it can go in for weeks. It often happens when they are due to do something nice.
I can’t tell you how many lunches, weekends away & holidays my Mum has had to cancel because my dad is sulking.
I have no idea why my mum doesn’t leave him.
My mum has put up with this (worsening) behaviour for almost 50 years. She has tiptoed around him for all that time.
Don’t be like my mum - this man will make your life a misery. Leave him & find someone nice.

Everything always ends up my fault somehow so I apologise to keep the peace.

As long as you keep doing this the so called peace will be short lived. You deserve better than an immature man baby. I bet he doesn’t pull this shit at work because if he did, he’d have gotten his P45 long ago.

In the new year give your emotional well being a promotion and treat yourself to some solo counselling.

OP any normal person wouldn't blame you even if it had been your mistake. But it wasn't.

Give yourself an amazing Christmas present and decide to end it today. Take your dog out, make yourself a poorly meal and chill out watching what you want whilst drinking and eating chocolate.

From now on, don't worry/bother about him. About what he says and what he does. That's none of your concern. 2022 will be so much better xxx

OP this is no way to live. Telling your partner, the person you’re supposed to love, to drop dead, is disgusting and completely indefensible. There’s no coming back from that!

Storming upstairs and leaving you downstairs in tears while he sulks is similarly reprehensible. I’m concerned that you’re accepting this behaviour as normal and, even more worryingly, seem to be assuming the blame as though any of this is your fault? You’ve probably been gradually conditioned by his behaviour so that you have grown to perceive it as normal. Hopefully the strength of everyone’s responses here have shown you that this is absolutely NOT normal, so you can start making plans to leave.

Congratulations on your promotion(s) as well! Two in one year is brilliant and you should be very proud 🎉

Thank you all so, so much for your support. It really means a lot that people who don't even know me are prepared to listen and give me advice ando support. I'm sorry I didn't reply last night, my eyes were so sore and puffy and my head was splitting that I lay my head back to rest them and must have clocked out!

That was not before he had come downstairs for some pringles etc to take up with him and I said 'we'll sort this bank thing out together' to whigh he muttered something so I said something like 'you're acting like this is my fault' when he said 'it is your fault'. I said 'how do you figure that?' and he replied with his trade mark 'drop dead' and went upstairs. I didn't go up for the rest of the night.

This morning he comes down to get a drink so I follow him up to use the bathroom and go into the bedroom after him to get towels etc so I can have a bath. I say something along the lines of 'why would you tell your partner to drop dead?' He tells me to f off and get everything I need from the bedroom for the day. I pointed out its our bedroom and not just his.

He knows I love Christmas yes. He was feeling a bit down yesterday morning before he gotbthe text about the payment going out and said he was conscious of trying not to show it for me because its Christmas. He has depression anyway so i think i cut him more slack than i should. His mother phoned before to wish us a merry Christmas and thank us for their presents (picked, bought and wrapped by moi as I genuinely love it) and he acted like everything was fine and we were going to be having a 'nice, relaxing day' before storming back upstairs without a word when I asked if he had thanked her from me for my (unopened as of yet) presents.

So today I have thought, you know what? Sod this. I've had a lovely hot bath, washed some dishes, hoovered the living room and steam mopped the kitchen. Hey, I know how to push the boat out! Actually those things relax me. I'm not going to go back into the bedroom today and will not speak to him when he comes downstairs to get snecks or whatever. He can't cook for himself so it will only be snacks for him.I want to make something nice for me but unfortunately I have no appetite. Alas that only happens when he has fallen out with me, not the rest of the bloody time!

but I feel terrible as he knows Christmas is my absolute favourite time of the year. I honestly look forward to it all year!

He does know this yes. That’s why he’s doing it. It’s purposeful and deep down you know it don’t you?