Elderly stepmum, dad died, so conflicted

[BangtanLove]

Hello. I'm feeling very angry, sad and frightened right now. My dad died 2 weeks ago, suddenly. He was 77. His partner of nearly 40 years is 82. She is bereft. They were not married. So as not to drip feed, some basic background:
My parents split when I was 7 after a rocky few years where they both cheated. Dad left my mum for my stepmum. I'm an only child.
Parents had a very very acrimonious divorce. My mum did all the stuff you read about - training me on what to say to social workers when they had a custody battle, telling me all sorts of poisonous stuff about him like he never loved me, never wanted me etc.
Dad never said a bad word about mum. But my stepmum was often cruel to me (verbally, she was never physically abusive) - very harsh in discipline and lots of your dad doesn't love you etc. Dad himself was always loving to me and my happiest childhood memories are with him. But he absolutely knew what stepmum was like to me, and brushed it under the carpet.
Due to their difficult relationship I saw dad rarely growing up and actually didn't see him at all from 13_18 yrs old. At the time mum said it was that dad refused but I now know it was more complicated than that.
Mum had mental and physical health issues all my life and died suddenly when I was 21. Dad and stepmum helped me a lot at that time, immediately afterwards and for a few weeks following.
I wasn't close to dad but made an effort to see him a few times a year. He and stepmum came as a pair - they were never separate.
Both dad and stepmum came from very seriously abusive and poverty stricken homes. They weren't family oriented people.
Since having kids we have been a bit closer and my kids know my stepmum as their grandma.

So dad has died. And now my stepmum needs me. She has no living relatives at all. Is frail and in poor health, with severe anxiety issues. She has not quite lost her marbles, but definitely on the edge (talks into the remote as if it's a phone, leaves the house with hat but no coat, gets the days confused). Dad left everything to her (his will mentions his 'children' as next beneficiaries but does not name me except as co-executor with her). They own the property jointly but all bills are in his name. No joint account. She has no pension except state - dad paid for everything. She hasn't dealt with finances for nearly 40 yrs. She's deep in shock and grieving. I can't leave her. I will of course help her and look after her. But I am really struggling with how nasty she is being when she feels low. I can cope with tearful, stressed, snappy. But she has made quite a few comments over the last 2 weeks around money and that she feels I am taking too much control and she might just sell the house and leave. She has had panic attacks over the bills and spent hours clutching my hand, crying and asking me to help, that she can't manage her finances. So I've offered to manage the estate as executor and have started doing that, whilst telling her everything that's happening. And so it feels like such a slap to then have her make nasty comments about me shutting her out. I've told her that I'm happy for her to manage things herself and then she backtracks and wants me to do it.

I just can't cope with her being nasty to me, it takes me back to being a kid. I know she can't help it, but it makes me miserable. And I'm so resentful that I am now probably responsible for looking after her for god knows how many years when she was so awful to me growing up.

Sorry this is long. I have a lot of feelings right now and just wanted to vent.

Make sure you see the Solicitors copy of the "Joint Tenants" agreement. Without that, everything should legally go to you. Not that you want it! You sound very considerate of your SM.

@Unreasonabubble why should it go to me? He left a will. And I have seen the deed, they are both listed as joint tenants.

How hard, it sounds like you're dealing with your own grief and unresolved childhood experiences as well as the practical complexities of a very dependent and not emotionally mature adult.

Can you identify a pattern to her outbursts? Is it when she feels she is losing control, or overwhelmed? It doesn't make it right but it may help you to understand why she's lashing out.

A solicitor and social worker sound an excellent idea. I'd also consider support for yourself. This is massive and unfortunately very hard to untangle from your experiences growing up. Do you have a good friend or could you afford counseling for yourself?

Best of luck

Look, you are trying to do what you feel a ‘good person’ would do in these circumstances because, naturally (like most other people) you want to be a good person and you’re terrified you’ll regret not helping her if you don’t. I’m here to tell you that you are already a good person and you don’t need to sacrifice your life for your abusive stepmother to prove that. Neither do you need to do it because every other Tom, Dick & Harry in your family - none of whom has any intention of helping her - thinks you should. People are sanctimonious and judgemental when something doesn’t impinge on them in the slightest, it’s quite another matter when it’s something that would affect their life.

Your main responsibility is to your children and to be the happy stress-free mum they deserve. This woman will suck every bit of joy & peace-of-mind from your life if you’re not careful so you have nothing left to give them. That is wrong on every level and you need to toughen up to avoid it happening.

Your stepmother may well be frightened, vulnerable and grieving but you reap what you sow and she’s also cold, manipulative, needy and abusive. You owe her nothing and don’t let others tell you you do. Woman get this stuff piled on us all the time. We’re supposed to sacrifice ourselves for anyone just to prove we are worthy. Fuck that shit, and I say that as someone who adored my Gran and cared for her as best I could when she became ill with dementia in very trying circumstances.

I recognise the signs of early dementia in your description of your stepmother. Even when you love someone and they are compliant with care, dementia is hell on earth. Social services will ignore you as soon as they see your stepmother needs care and you are ‘willing’ to provide it. Very soon your whole life will revolve around this woman and her needs and she will rob you of some of the happiest years of your life, the years when your children are small. Do yourself a favour and be strong enough to put a stop to all this. If people tut-tut about it then they can always step in and provide care themselves - but they won’t.

I’m sorry you had abusive parents. It’s hard I know but makes it even more important to make sure you love and protect yourself and that enjoy the rest of your life. You deserve happiness, make sure you choose it. Good luck!

Thanks again all. It's been a long and sleepless night - partly because I was upset and partly because SM had a stomach upset in the night and was up and down and I helped her a bit. She tends to have a bad stomach when she gets stressed. You are all right, I need to be realistic about things and set boundaries now. It's only been 3 weeks and I'm already in knots. I have to talk to her about funeral arrangements today and then we are dropping her home tomorrow. Just need to get through the next 36 hours with her.

I don't see early signs of dementia in this for the sole reason you stated yourself that she has never been any different all the time you've known her and this isn't new behaviour for her. This woman is just an emotional drain on everyone around her and it only continues because you keep letting it. Either she was showing early signs of dementia in her youth when she first met your dad and was being cruel and wicked to his child, or this is more likely a lifelong personality disorder your dad had become immune to because he spent his life pandering to her. If it is a lifelong personality disorder that you say yourself has never been any different then you need to work on boundaries with her and not get even more sucked into her drama. The fact your in-laws are now being sucked into this emotional drain suggests boundaries are being blurred a little too far. Make it your main job now to call social services and Age uk to explain what you have here and ask for their advice, making it clear you are not prepared to be put on any longer by someone you have no family ties to. This really isn't your job, you just can't see that yet. I also wonder if there might be a bit of trauma bonding going on here. This woman isn't a cuddly old granny, she's your childhood abuser who made your life hell. Not forgetting that she isn't technically your SM anyway because they weren't married, she was just your dad's abusive gf. This is someone you have no ties to who has treated you appallingly all your life. Perhaps it's wise to explore if the years of emotional damage she's already caused is the reason dad kept putting up with her behaviour and you are doing the same. Some might say he failed to protect you and perhaps the fact you didn't go no contact with your abuser decades ago is the unfortunate legacy of that. If you'd don't what many victims of abuse did and went NC years ago, it would probably be a lot easier for you not to feel emotionally torn now. Alternatively she will just continue draining you of every scrap of energy you have until you have nothing left to give your own family and end up making yourself ill because of her. I think you have a choice to make here. The abuser you feel bonded to or your family. Is she really more important than them because clearly there's no middle ground with her, she wants ALL of your emotional energy ALL of the time.

@Chisandbiscuits

Look, you are trying to do what you feel a ‘good person’ would do in these circumstances because, naturally (like most other people) you want to be a good person and you’re terrified you’ll regret not helping her if you don’t. I’m here to tell you that you are already a good person and you don’t need to sacrifice your life for your abusive stepmother to prove that. Neither do you need to do it because every other Tom, Dick & Harry in your family - none of whom has any intention of helping her - thinks you should. People are sanctimonious and judgemental when something doesn’t impinge on them in the slightest, it’s quite another matter when it’s something that would affect their life.

Your main responsibility is to your children and to be the happy stress-free mum they deserve. This woman will suck every bit of joy & peace-of-mind from your life if you’re not careful so you have nothing left to give them. That is wrong on every level and you need to toughen up to avoid it happening.

Your stepmother may well be frightened, vulnerable and grieving but you reap what you sow and she’s also cold, manipulative, needy and abusive. You owe her nothing and don’t let others tell you you do. Woman get this stuff piled on us all the time. We’re supposed to sacrifice ourselves for anyone just to prove we are worthy. Fuck that shit, and I say that as someone who adored my Gran and cared for her as best I could when she became ill with dementia in very trying circumstances.

I recognise the signs of early dementia in your description of your stepmother. Even when you love someone and they are compliant with care, dementia is hell on earth. Social services will ignore you as soon as they see your stepmother needs care and you are ‘willing’ to provide it. Very soon your whole life will revolve around this woman and her needs and she will rob you of some of the happiest years of your life, the years when your children are small. Do yourself a favour and be strong enough to put a stop to all this. If people tut-tut about it then they can always step in and provide care themselves - but they won’t.

I’m sorry you had abusive parents. It’s hard I know but makes it even more important to make sure you love and protect yourself and that enjoy the rest of your life. You deserve happiness, make sure you choose it. Good luck!

This OP. Every single word.

OP,
Your husband is stressed.

Do you want this time to signal the end of your children's childhood?

A time that they look back on as being when things soured for them in the home?

The atmosphere?
Dad stressed?
Mum stressed?
Mum constantly ruining around after X?
Mum driving back and forth to X?

Do not allow your ego and the pressure of others guilting you to suit THEMSELVES, allow your family to implode.

Boundaries are key here.

"This isn't going to work for me".

Please continue to give your children a better childhood than you had.

There is no way she deserves the power you are giving her.

SS need to be involved.

Please rethink your loyalty.

It is to your husband and children.

Thank you to everyone on this thread. It has been so helpful in getting me to see things more clearly. And actually her having this huge outburst at my MIL and DH was good as they have now seen properly what I have told them about. Me, DH and PIL had a big discussion yesterday evening abput what to do. They are so so kind and have said they will support me in whatever I decide. MIL had a very toxic relationship with an abusive SM and made the decision to go NC many years ago. She isn't trying to push me in any direction but it's comforting to know that she has an understanding of what is happening. DH and I agreed that we need to put any thought of inheritance or sentimental items from dad out of our heads permanently as this will distract from doing the right thing for her and our family. So, with that in mind, I will:

1. Engage a solicitor to assist with managing the probate and to ensure that everything is done above board and I cannot be accused of anything (well, I will be accused but I can at least defend myself)
2. Stand up to SM. Next time she has an outburst at me I will tell her, firmly, that she is not to speak to me like that. And I will exit the conversation. And will continue to do that everytime (I've never done this before so I have no idea what will happen. She might back down or she might decide to cut me off.)
3. I will arrange for her to meet with an advisor at the bank to help her set up her accounts. I will not get involved with her finances myself unless she is found to be incompetent.
4. I will contact social services and her GP to notify them that she is living alone and vulnerable.
5. I will call her once a week and I will have her to a meal at my house once a month, as long as she is not abusive.
6. I have arranged to see a counsellor next week. It has shocked me how much this situation has upset me, and how much of her treatment of me in childhood and young adulthood has come flooding back. She has been so much nicer to me in recent years that her reverting to type has sent me reeling. But on reflection, I can see that when I got married I ceased to be a threat to her (no more 'risk' that I might get between her and dad). And now dad is gone, she has nothing holding her back and sees everything as a threat.

And we will see how this goes...this thread has been the most enormous support. Thank you.

👏👏👏

Well done OP.

A really comprehensive plan that protects your children, husband, marriage and family.

Well done.

Let her pay for services from the estate.

I have seen far too many people imposed upon by some elderly for services that they are well able to pay for.

A friend of mine was made executor of her Uncle's will and was not impressed to be informed of it upon his death.

He has left an estate which is a little complicated with property and investments, between her and her four siblings.

She has handed the whole matter over solicitors to sort out as she has zero intention of being burdened with it.

The solicitors fees, which no doubt will be substantial will be paid from the estate.

One PITA brother was not impressed but she cut him off and told him it was her right and decision to make.

She works FT with a family and doesn't want the responsibility.

Probate can be a huge amount of work and time.

My SIL did it for an Uncle and I simply wouldn't do it if it can be avoided.

Best of luck and keep posting.

It's good you've got a plan @BangtanLove

Just to point out on your number 4, there's no point in you contacting social services at this stage to say she is 'vulnerable' and 'living alone'. They cannot make up any file to record things about your SM unless she consents to you contacting them, with the exception of safeguarding (which this is not) and the second exception that she lacks capacity to consent (which she does not)

That's like writing to A&E that someone has a heart problem and might come their way in a few months. It takes important time away from the critical service they provide.

Her GP will presumably know her husband died. There is value you writing to her GP with concerns about her memory and mental wellbeing and e.g.s of what you've observed. It is medical services at present time that SM would benefit from

I would rethink the not getting LPA finances and property as it is more expensive, becomes messy fraught and irl can take far longer than getting LPA if you wait for loss of capacity in finances to apply for deputyship in finances. If it can be avoided I really don't recommend this route.

But you know you could suggest she appoints a solicitor's firm as her LPA f&p, expensive but they could delegate some tasks to you to do when time comes, but would be responsible themselves and then SM can't argue anyone is doing anything behind her back to benefit themselves

You can look up her local authority adult social care website - you might find lots of useful information on there, including community & luncheon groups and support groups. Then print it out and give your SM the details of some local ones.

But first things first, SM needs to see her own GP about her anxiety and possible memory loss. GP is best placed professional to decide if s/he thinks she has underlying memory or mental health problems or an extreme grief reaction and to get her the appropriate help.

Gosh, I foresee this will be me in the not so distant future. I have both a DF (not so dear) and SM. I am not close to them but they have no other relatives (that they speak to anyway). So I fear I would be expected to help.

My DF was not abusive but was simply indifferent/could never relate to me as a child. I visited every Sunday without fail but he either ignored me or fell asleep. My SM tried to be a bit better but they were either arguing or not speaking to each other. I used to feel such a sense of relief going back home and often had a headache, so gradually over the years I became more distant (emotionally and physically).

Even now my DF if we do speak on the phone, he just uses this time to rant at me things that aren’t going right for him - never asks about me or family so I give up. But I know I will be expected to step up when one of them dies. I am dreading that day to be honest.

Hope things work out for you, your SM is very lucky to have you.

If it helps, i have had a similar situation. Not exactly the same. The only way I have been able to mangage is to gradually seperate myself.
My df and sdm had an up and down relationship, she seems v self.centred and the family think she is a narc. She does odd things for atrention that I struggle with eg says that she cant get on a train without help with her case, gives me half a gift saying to get it all i have to do so and so.
.Id say to you that she wont change. She is an adult ( alonside her grief) and you must be the one that protects your boundaries as her demands may be unhealthy.
As for social services, I would be up frount and tell them.about the dynamic.. as an experienced x sw myself, I was often allocated cases with complex dynamics.
Dont get sucked in .
You are grieving. You are not responsible for her life choices etc. Protect your boundaries.

Ps sorry i cant type v well on phones.
Remember that she has been like this a long time. My df just did what he did for a quiet life sometimes.That was his choice.
Some people like this can be v self centred and will not consider the needs of others as main concern is to get their needs met. Like a bottomless pit. They are often adapt at this and also it helped me to know that they sometimes dont care WHO Meets the need so long as its met. Knowing that they will move on as its not personal.and often about them can be a release from the situation, as belive me , some of these folk are very practiced at getting the needs met.
Yes ,she is elderly, but remember she remains the same person .

Hello, I thought I'd come back and update because I got such great advice and support here when I was feeling very low. Over the last few months we've been helping SM get her finances sorted, DH has helped her a lot in the house and we've been checking in and seeing her regularly but with some boundaries in place. I put my foot down last time she was cruel to me and she backed down and since then has been generally very nice.

I had a call last night from her best friend's sister in law who I know has also helped and supported her a lot. This person (who is lovely and I have NO reason to think is doing anything but being very kind) is now seeing SM several times a week, is helping her sell her house and purchase a new place in an area near her and SM's best friend. SM has urged her to keep all this secret from me, best friend, neighbours, everyone. Its all very strange really. We talked a lot and its clear that the friend wants to be transparent which I appreciate. She acknolwedged that SM doesnt want any of her groups of friedns to mix in any way. It's a relief to know SM has this kind of help although I worry a lot about the amount of help, emotional and financial support this friend has offered- it's substantial.

However, it also has made very clear to me what I already suspected/knew: SM is very able to latch onto people who will go to great lengths to help (as she did with my dad and her ex husband) and she will cut off people who see past this or know her better. I now strongly suspect that once the move is done she will cut me off as she has done with the rest of dad's family. She's already suggested leaving her estate to the friend in her will,which the friend has rejected and told me about. I can't worry about that, there's no point - and I could be wrong. But I do wonder what will happen long term if things don't work out with the friend.

Anyway, it's inevitable that I'll feel conflicted about this given our relationship. I feel guilty and irresponsible for allowing the friend to help so much (although SM has been refusing our help most of the time so, hey ho), and sad and rejected that the woman who has been my stepmum since I was little thinks so little of me. And disappointed that she would abandon my dad's wishes for his estate so quickly. But overall, I mainly feel OK, I'll keep in contact, help as and when asked and watch from a distance as things unfurl.

I do wonder whether she has some sort of personality disorder- this latching on to people, abandoning/cutting off others, and compartmentalised relationships so she can be this person with one group, and another person with another group - it seems such odd and unwell behaviour.

Anyway, long update, thank you to everyone who advised in those dark days over Christmas. It truly helped me so much.

I do wonder whether she has some sort of personality disorder- this latching on to people, abandoning/cutting off others, and compartmentalised relationships so she can be this person with one group, and another person with another group - it seems such odd and unwell behaviour.

She is quite obviously a narcissist.

@NoHayDosSinTres I'm not sure about that - her whole thing is that she's stupid, unworthy, she constantly puts herself down and compares herself to others putting them above her, she hero-worshipped my dad. I think more likely she might have BPD. Whatever it is, it has resulted in her being very protected all her adult life whilst also destroying or causing enormous pain to many people around her. I do hope that her friend sets appropriate boundaries, but I don't think she has any idea what SM can be like. Perhaps she'll never reveal that side of herself to friend. That would be better I suppose.

I do wonder whether she has some sort of personality disorder- this latching on to people, abandoning/cutting off others, and compartmentalised relationships so she can be this person with one group, and another person with another group - it seems such odd and unwell behaviour.

The above, and cutting people off, including using money as a weapon to hurt or manipulate people are very much narcissistic traits as is playing the victim to get what you want. They come in different guises.

Yes, she may be. Whatever it is, I am keeping my distance whilst maintaining support for her essential needs. I've learned my lesson on getting close though and shan't make that mistake again. She reminds me of Gollum/Smeagol in the way she behaves (realise that is both super nerdy and also rather dramatic!). But honestly it's what she's like.

I have read the entire thread and from the beginning you absolutely refused to take people's advice about stepping back. I completely understand that. It's seems that your childhood and entire dysfunctional and abusive relationship conditioned you into feeling obligated to her. I think from the time you posted until now you have been unpleasantly faced with the ugly truth about her.
Sorry that you had to deal with so much but your family is not worth sacrificing. You have been blessed with loving inlaws and husband. I wish you the best. X

@Whatsmyname100 gosh I think that's a really odd comment. I suppose I did refuse to go NC if that's what you mean by stepping back. Difficult to do when there's an estate to sort out and you are co-executors. As I said I am maintaining a much lower level of contact than I had initially envisaged when dad first died, entirely on my own terms and territory, and she has found someone else to provide the kind of support she wants. It's not coming from me anymore.

OP, one of the hallmarks of Mumsnet (I've found) is that the minute you share a difficult family situation, there's a percentage who immediately rock up with, 'leave him' or 'go NC'. If only life were that straightforward!

I fully understand how at the beginning you felt obligated in some way to help your children's grandma. You knew in your heart that that's probably what your dad would have wanted too. It sounds to me like you have done a great job and you've been able to learn all about setting boundaries too. Sometimes we learn our best life lessons when we stick with something which it would have been much easier to walk away from.

But now you've rediscovered who she really is and that yep, she quite possibly has BPD. BPD often stems from childhood trauma and all the kindness in the world can't fix that. As she's probably too old now for therapy, all you can do is manage your interactions with her. It sounds like you're doing the best you can in a very complex situation. Good for you!

Thanks @ItWillBeOkHonestly I am really pleased actually with how we've handled things as a family.

So glad to read that you are doing things more on your terms.

I know it cannot have been easy.

Best of luck.

I think you are doing amazing.
And I agree LTB and go NC maybe easier but not the only way.
Put boundaries in place to me is the obvious first step.