Elderly stepmum, dad died, so conflicted

[BangtanLove]

Hello. I'm feeling very angry, sad and frightened right now. My dad died 2 weeks ago, suddenly. He was 77. His partner of nearly 40 years is 82. She is bereft. They were not married. So as not to drip feed, some basic background:
My parents split when I was 7 after a rocky few years where they both cheated. Dad left my mum for my stepmum. I'm an only child.
Parents had a very very acrimonious divorce. My mum did all the stuff you read about - training me on what to say to social workers when they had a custody battle, telling me all sorts of poisonous stuff about him like he never loved me, never wanted me etc.
Dad never said a bad word about mum. But my stepmum was often cruel to me (verbally, she was never physically abusive) - very harsh in discipline and lots of your dad doesn't love you etc. Dad himself was always loving to me and my happiest childhood memories are with him. But he absolutely knew what stepmum was like to me, and brushed it under the carpet.
Due to their difficult relationship I saw dad rarely growing up and actually didn't see him at all from 13_18 yrs old. At the time mum said it was that dad refused but I now know it was more complicated than that.
Mum had mental and physical health issues all my life and died suddenly when I was 21. Dad and stepmum helped me a lot at that time, immediately afterwards and for a few weeks following.
I wasn't close to dad but made an effort to see him a few times a year. He and stepmum came as a pair - they were never separate.
Both dad and stepmum came from very seriously abusive and poverty stricken homes. They weren't family oriented people.
Since having kids we have been a bit closer and my kids know my stepmum as their grandma.

So dad has died. And now my stepmum needs me. She has no living relatives at all. Is frail and in poor health, with severe anxiety issues. She has not quite lost her marbles, but definitely on the edge (talks into the remote as if it's a phone, leaves the house with hat but no coat, gets the days confused). Dad left everything to her (his will mentions his 'children' as next beneficiaries but does not name me except as co-executor with her). They own the property jointly but all bills are in his name. No joint account. She has no pension except state - dad paid for everything. She hasn't dealt with finances for nearly 40 yrs. She's deep in shock and grieving. I can't leave her. I will of course help her and look after her. But I am really struggling with how nasty she is being when she feels low. I can cope with tearful, stressed, snappy. But she has made quite a few comments over the last 2 weeks around money and that she feels I am taking too much control and she might just sell the house and leave. She has had panic attacks over the bills and spent hours clutching my hand, crying and asking me to help, that she can't manage her finances. So I've offered to manage the estate as executor and have started doing that, whilst telling her everything that's happening. And so it feels like such a slap to then have her make nasty comments about me shutting her out. I've told her that I'm happy for her to manage things herself and then she backtracks and wants me to do it.

I just can't cope with her being nasty to me, it takes me back to being a kid. I know she can't help it, but it makes me miserable. And I'm so resentful that I am now probably responsible for looking after her for god knows how many years when she was so awful to me growing up.

Sorry this is long. I have a lot of feelings right now and just wanted to vent.

@BangtanLove
I understand you are worrying and feeling you have to do everything yourself but really theses things happen in stages

You've issues to sort out for dads probate/ as executor and setting up bills etc and moving his stuff / arranging funeral to help stepmum and your grief. Practical things

Making sure step mum is ok in this initial period, during sudden grief , eating , has friends she can call, getting through Christmas.

it's very early days as sudden bereavement and grief can cause confusion, anger, distress as it's a very acute emotional overwhelming state

The route you started down is fine, for the rest these things

1. - set up LPS finance and property (& if she also wants LPA health and welfare) for older relatives as this helps for future (even if you may need it soon) and she is asking for your help

1. See how she is over Xmas.

-You'll spot if she is self neglecting, showing repetition in speech, or evident short term memory loss in tasks . Wrote bullet points of anything you motive (eg "wore same tip 3 days in a row forgetting to change clothes" "unable to remember sequence of how to make cup of tea" " asked same question 5 times in 20 minutes about ...."

3 - GP for initial check of her mental wellbeing/ memory assessment and then GP decides if she needs referral to older persons community mental health team (OPMH) and they would consider if some of it is acute grief or may send for further tests or scans . (Early stages of grief & acute depression can mimic dementia or other mental health issues, or bring to light that Dad had been covering for her becoming more forgetful for years )

1. Arrange things like cleaners and shopping. Help stepmum set up online banking or DDs for bills , informally helping her. When LPA finance and property comes through, even if she can still make decisions, you can register this with the bank go help mama get her money with her consent and involvement. Always securely keep records and copies receipts and excel sheet etc with notes of transactions if you are helping someone With money

5- Adult social services will have website with general advice about community services and support, you can also sit with her and ring through and they will discuss initial assessment over phone and consider if she needs passing to social work team for more in-depth assessment . Unless she is not managing main activities of daily living , they are more likely to signpost her at this stage (provide information and advice) So you'd want to know what it is you are worried about and ASD may also await outcome of GP referral to OMPH.

You can ask for an assessment but given their workloads especially with covid pressures and backlogs and if she isn't self neglecting / wandering/ not stuck in bed unable to walk or toilet, not eating and drinking and unsafe, then she may be given advice info at initial assessment stage and if passed over to community team she may wait sometime for that assessment as cases are given priority same way as A&E triage . As she's been left lots of money, she could be self funding so you could choose to download some of their ASD info on what agencies are available eg about how to set up regular carers for privately paying for/some domestic organising of her, social support and meals on wheels etc . They'll also have info about community luncheon and social clubs she can go to to help support her and transport .

There will be links on there to types of sheltered housing including extra care schemes and how to arrange that. Owning a house though she may be directed to private shelters schemes and not social housing sheltered schemes (HAs) as often BCs have limit of savings / assets criteria

1. GP and OPMH are best placed to help support with her mental health at the moment

If she has significant dementia and the CPN is concerned usually they will then refer to adult social services and specify of urgent, what the risks are and what may help

1. Considering residential care for stepmum at this stage is premature unless she suddenly has high risks / significant dementia that Dad had been covering for years . It's very much a future option as if she is washing dressing herself not disabled and can make decisions even if diagnosed with mild dementia, she can be supported to live at home .

Sorry my autocorrect has had a field day with that post!

This woman sounds awful. You are very kind, You reap what you sow and little sympathy for this abusive woman here.

You can't abandon her because she has a role in your kids lives but do it from afar but do not invest your funds and time in helping her personally.

Protect your emotional well being in the long term. Your children need you, there is a reason there is nobody else to help her.

@FreeBritnee

I think you’ve got to be honest with yourself and figure out your motivation.

Do you want to help an elderly woman who is the closest thing to extended family it sounds like you’ve got?
Do you want to walk away from a lady who was unkind to you when you were young?
Are you hanging around this person for future financial reasons ie. to keep one finger in the financial pie in the hope your dad’s inheritance comes back to you at some point?
All or some of the above?

I think once you can get to grips with how you truly feel and what your hopes are for the future then you can react accordingly.

What I would hate for you is you help this frail woman begrudgingly for the next decade because you’re hoping for some money at the end, only to find out she’s a malicious old bag who has written a new will leaning everything to the donkey sanctuary. If you plan on sticking around do it because you want to with zero expectation of receiving anything at the end.

If you don’t want to stick around, don’t.

Yes, this is a really good point and one I am very mindful of. Whatever help I offer has to be freely given with no expectations.

@invisiblereally, this is sp helpful. Yes, I think it is premature to think about residential care. She may be in the early stages of dementia, but honestly the mood swings etc are how she has been her whole life, its how she responds under stress. It's really not new. Memory stuff, yes that is more concerning but she is quite capable of looking after her daily basic self care at the moment.

My stepmother died a few weeks ago. Like yours she had no relatives to help and I was the only option. She married my dad after I'd left home and was not abusive to me, but after my dad died ten years ago she became quite unpleasant towards my DCs so we stopped seeing her very often.

I thought long and hard before I stepped in to support her, but I did do it with very strict boundaries. We set up carers and I organised shopping and ran her finances remotely. It was quite hard when agencies/social workers/gps rang me to be clear about how distant our relationship was and that it wasn't really my business, but I was just trying to help. Really what I wanted to say was I don't really care about this - she's not my mum!

My warning though is that in our case social services were so overstretched they pushed as much as they could onto me - with a tone of "well what are YOU going to do about this". I found that really difficult.

In one stage of my mum's dementia she became quite nasty about money. It broke my heart, but she's over that phase now and is more confused now than anything else.

FYI

I've seen people behave very oddly for a few months after their close relative have passed away
They have returned to their normal self over time
Therefore your DSM may be in shock & grief currently & she may take time to recover. This may explain some of her current behaviour.

Having said that DSM may have some dementia or other health issues on top of the above

Take care of yourself first

@ChubbyNinja

My stepmother died a few weeks ago. Like yours she had no relatives to help and I was the only option. She married my dad after I'd left home and was not abusive to me, but after my dad died ten years ago she became quite unpleasant towards my DCs so we stopped seeing her very often.

I thought long and hard before I stepped in to support her, but I did do it with very strict boundaries. We set up carers and I organised shopping and ran her finances remotely. It was quite hard when agencies/social workers/gps rang me to be clear about how distant our relationship was and that it wasn't really my business, but I was just trying to help. Really what I wanted to say was I don't really care about this - she's not my mum!

My warning though is that in our case social services were so overstretched they pushed as much as they could onto me - with a tone of "well what are YOU going to do about this". I found that really difficult.

I was about to write that SS will not put anything in place if you are even slightly helpful.

We had to refuse to help at all before they would put any help in place. We found this so hard but once there was help arranged we could do the thing's we were planning to do all along without the pressure or guilt trips from SS

Well so far this afternoon hasn't been as bad as I feared, she had a big rant when I arrived to pick her up but since then has been fine and lovely. But just now realised she forgot her glasses and her big coat. Gah! Contacted a counsellor to make an appt for the new year. Merry Christmas everyone.

Your dad basically left you your step mum in his will

@Hothammock yes that's how it seems

Your posts ring so many bells with me but in my case it was my aunt. Her behaviour when my uncle died is just like your stepmother, she reduced me to tears more than once as she was really vicious.

I was a bit luckier than you as I didn't have the same childhood issues but she has always been prone to dark moods and could be nasty although I was close to her.

The bit about your husband is also the same, in fact with my aunt she became very interested in men, responded to them and eventually became very disinhibited with them. The poor young male carers have put up with alot and if I am honest I don't think an old man would have got away with what she has.

I had 3 years of hell and then she went into care and has very advanced dementia. Her life is awful although the care home looks after her so well.

I absolutely understand how you feel, I felt I couldn't abandon her but it took a toll i.e. emergency admission to hospital cardiac unit with no problems once she was in a home. Do look after yourself, I hope you get more help from social services than I did and if things get worse in the dementia department I can recommend getting a private social worker. Ours possibly saved my life and certainly my sanity.

OP,
Some great advice above.

I think you should think about your children and husband first and foremost.

If you take on too much and become stressed I think you need to rethink.

You didn't have a good childhood.

Don't sacrifice your children's for this woman.

A home would be best.

I’d be practical , kind to yourself and kind to her last in that order
Take an account of the fund and money , is there enough to provide care for her ?
Get a copy of the will and consider getting advice so you get your fair share in parallel

Start to walk away when she is nasty
Turn your back and leave

I think money and legal is a clean place to start and you will take control

I suspect on some level you want he cares for and if you walk away it will be to your detriment

But with all the history you must look after yourself and create some new boundaries

Good luck xxx

@BangtanLove this thread is hard for me to read because this is exactly what happened with my own mum, who adored me. She became paranoid about money & accused me of taking her money every time I went on holiday. She had nasty temper outbursts but it was all the start of her dementia.
She passed through that stage & became very sweet & funny again further down the line.
I urge you to get an assessment via her GP, a simple memory test which will give you a diagnosis. I wish I had done this sooner with my mum.
You need to make your own decisions about how much help you offer but the lack of empathy & understanding towards people with dementia on here is awful.

I think you're going to navigate your way through this difficult ongoing situation brilliantly

One thing I would mention is that it seems to be common to have to fight SS and NHS to get care needs met. I think you need to steele yourself for those battles, and practice practice practice saying that NO you cannot meet any of her care needs yourself. They need to arrange it. No, you can't "just do it for now." etc etc. For all that you can help her with lots of things even though she can be a cow to you, you absolutely 100% do not need to become her carer and should feel no guilt if you choose not to.

Regarding the nasty comments, if you are at her house I really would just get up and leave as soon as you have realised she's just packed a punch - don't pack any of the papers you were sorting through up, just have a short stock phrase around "I won't tolerate you speaking to me like that." that you say in your best calm voice, get your coat and drive home. After that happening a couple of times, she's much more likely to be much nicer to deal with.

Best of luck

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this shitty situation.

I absolutely understand why you can't just turn your back on her. But you do need to protect yourself at the same time. Definitely GP as a first port of call to discuss what help she needs/can get, and how to access it. The dementia you describe sounds possibly more advanced than you realise, and be prepared that she may go downhill very rapidly after losing your dad.

My grandad had dementia and drove away by accusing them of being out for his money. He wrote a very dodgy will when he want really capable of it. He died recently and I've no idea what sort of money he's got left, but I know he left money to one of my kids and not the other

If they weren't married and didn't have a will does she actually inherit their money or do you? You might get more help toward her care if she's not the main beneficiary

Dad left a will, he left his entire estate to her.

Thanks everyone and Merry Christmas! Early start for me with the kids up at silly o'clock so I went back to bed for a couple of hours. Now time to get the day started again.

I always look at how people treated me in their prime when they had life easy.

Because I've seen people be nasty and then change when they were dealt a bad hand and then switch back to being nasty when things fixed up again.

I also look at my own dad who has finally become clean at 60 and went to rehab. He spent a good 40 years getting high every night, left two sets of children and now expects to be welcomed back like we were all waiting for him.

I think he only fixed up because he was getting old and couldn't keep up with that life style. If we lived to 200 years old would he have waited until he was 170?

Don't forget that grief can make people lash out in anger, and always at the people closest. Give her time and let the nastiness wash over if you can.

Step away , you owe her nothing op .